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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Sunday, 2002.12.01:
Went out to dinner and saw one of the most frightening things: an old woman's boobs hanging just shy of her waistline. That's right: total bag boobs. So, if you take one piece of advice from me during your transition know that you must support them or you'll be dragging them! Actually, I've gotten so used to wearing a bra all the time now that it feels weird not wearing one...
I came home and saw Seth was just about to watch Fight Club on DVD. So I plopped down and saw it. Wow. Talk about a strange life. And I thought I had a identity disorder!
Monday, 2002.12.02:
I'm still thinking of something Jen and I talked about yesterday. It has ramifications on this site, my involvement in the T* community, and a few other things. I'll have to Ramble it later.
Tuesday, 2002.12.03:
Caught up on a message board. Wow. Talk about a lot of entries!
Wednesday, 2002.12.04:
For some reason I've got Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song III running through my head. It has been going day and night. This is so 3v1L!!!
Thursday, 2002.12.05:
I love warm beds and warm houses, but I spent the morning as a human icicle. My nose was ice cold and my ears were ringing. I thought something was awry so I went downstairs to check the thermostat. The guys turned if off the night before and now it was 62 degrees inside the house. Brrr... I like it 68 degrees or above, and my parents like it 74+. My roommates are trying to save money on heating and so they have been turning the heater off. I made the executive decision and flicked on the heater and set it to rise until 65 degrees.
Friday, 2002.12.06:
Sorry, nothing has been uploaded in so long! I've been having a very hectic life. I've been writing documentation, fixing the car, planning a birthday, and doing other miscellaneous things. I'm tired. Ugh. But the website is updated.
I'm over at a friend's house and their cat just walked onto my stomach. I've pet it a few times and it seems to like me. As I was updating AWZ laying on the couch the cat wandered onto my stomach. It plopped its fat self right down on my stomach. And it purred. And purred. And then it fell asleep. All the while I was rat-tat-tatling on the keyboard with trance music playing softly in the background. I'd give it a let pet and massage, and it would seem to purr some more. It was very cool.
Saturday, 2002.12.07:
Please read the Ramble.
Sunday, 2002.12.08:
I just had a very frustrating phone conversation with one of my roommates. We had all purchased three identical computer components (me one and him two) and wanted to take advantage of rebates on them. I had understood that each of us would pick different addresses because it's one per household/address. I filled out our home address believing the other person would use two other addresses. This was miscommunicated because I was under the impression that Seth would use his fiancée's home or his work, and Steven could use his work. Anyways, so it's all SNAFUed and Seth now says he doesn't have any address he can use. I told him that this mistake has a remedy if I just white-out the information on my form and set it to a different address. Instead he just gives up and says "no, just do what you want, I'll work it out." I stared at the phone and said that all I had to do was change the address I'm using and then the situation would be OK, right? But he persisted saying that he'll just find a different way to deal with it---he even said that he'll forfeit the $40 rebate. I just can't believe that I present him with a solution to put things back the way they were and he doesn't take it. (I was going to use my parent's address.)
If there is one thing which makes me believe my household is going to split up it's this whole attitude of "I give up, do what you will". It started about 2 months ago when I was playing games with them, and more and more recently it has become the mantra of the place. These guys are just letting Life get to them. I think both of my roommates are very intelligent and resourceful, but I have never quite seen them both throw in the proverbial towel so easily. Why must we be victims of circumstance? Why?
Maybe I see this because I've always been a fighter. I always felt that the environment I was in didn't fit me. I was always smaller, weaker, less mobile, etc. I had to find ways to accommodate my lifestyle. This leads to an attitude that tells me never give up. I always try to look for a way out. I don't believe most things are final. I think things can be corrected.
Take the biggest recent example: I have decided to transition. Borrowing words from another friend: I didn't like the cards I was dealt and so I'm going to select a few and trade them in for new ones. I think I have the freedom to do this. I have the means and motive to change things. I am not going to be a victim as long as I can help it.
I sometimes want to slap my friends around and instill in them the values of self-reliance and creative solution-finding. I don't want them to acquiesce. I want them to communicate exactly what they mean every time so there are no misunderstandings. And when things go wrong I want them to know that often there are ways to fix what's broken---Life is not predictable even under the best of circumstances.
Should I just let this go? I probably have to because I can't influence them any more than they me. It's just painful watching a good situation turn sour because people don't hang around to resolve the situation.
Oh, completely different topic...
I read a few of the beginning pages of Venus Envy. Pretty funny. This was recommended to me by another friend. The story centers around the life and times of a high school sophomore, Zoë, whose entire family had to move across the state to restart their lives. It gives a nice perspective on the TS issues from the youth standpoint, something which isn't all that often heard today---but maybe in a few years will be more common. Zoë's mom is semi-supportive but trying to cure her son, Zoë's dad is trying to figure out his own feelings, and the little brother is resentful that his older "brother's" transition trashed his life.
But you have to read about these episodes about how Zoë had to dress up as a boy because her mom wants her to go to a new church. I so feel like this right now, and not just because my Mom is against me showing up in Girl Mode. You have to understand the funny in this situation. I have to go to a wedding in just a few weeks and I'm going to wear my old suit. (I own only 1 because I hate them with a passion. But I digress...) I'm not going to wear a sweater or just a shirt because, frankly, it doesn't look passable. So I put the suit on and I swear I looked like Zoë does in this frame. It just looks weird. I mean the creepy-weird/this-is-so-wrong-weird type.
Monday, 2002.12.09:
OK I've got a Ramble going on in my head. If you want to witness the inner workings of my scary mind, read on.
Tuesday, 2002.12.10:
Found California driver's license info for the DL-328 form on a Yahoo group. If you're looking for this you might try the DMV_Issues group.
Just had a therapy appointment which scared the heck out of me. We're talking about transition timelines and people are asking me to pick a date. I hate picking hard deadlines because it means commitment. Not that I have a fear of commitment, per se, but that I fear committing to something that I may not be ready for. Big difference. So, I have to start looking within myself and revisit all those same questions that I asked myself in the beginning (mid-1998) about why I'm doing this.
What's holding me back? Job market, money reserves, nuclear family, friends, weddings. I need to find a way to stop worrying about other people's schedules and worry about my own. I'm sure I'll do all right but I would like to survive this in good spirits.
This morning I had to wait at a clinic to get my blood tested before my next doctor's appointment. I can't believe how crowded it was there! I swear, there were about 30 people stuffed into a waiting room literally the size of my bedroom! (About 15-20 people were waiting outside the room.) There were plenty of advanced-age women and men there too---I would have offered them my seat if they had looked my way but other people moved. I had to stand in line for like 5 minutes just to put my name down and sit another 40 minutes until I went in for the quick blood draw. They initially only had 1 technician on site and then 2 more came in. But by the time the other 2 came the damage had been done since the room was so jammed up with people. I missed my morning meeting because it took so long to get through.
Wednesday, 2002.12.11:
Listening to Japan-A-Radio streaming MP3 I heard a group I haven't heard in ages: Anzen Chitai. A friend in college had introduced me to them and I liked their sound. They were a popular 80s pop band in Japan. Though I don't understand the lyrics I still have a couple of their albums: "Best - I Love You Kara Hajimeyou" and "Best 2 - Hitori Bocchi no Yell".
I'm so outdated now on what's in the J-Pop scene but some of my favorite old groups are: Lindberg, Every Little Thing, Mr. Children, Shinohara Ryoko, Chage & Aska, Kanno Yoko, CoCo, Deen, and X-Japan. I've never understood the appeal of Kinki Kids, Judy and Mary, Globe, and Morning Musume.
Thursday, 2002.12.12:
Oh, so I never told you that something funny-scary happened on Monday the 9th:
Oops. Big oops. My housemate Steve called me up Monday night while I was out in Girl Mode with some other friends. His first words were: "you screwed up." Gee, nice way to open up a conversation! He then went into detail that he had come home in the early evening and dropped the incoming snail mail on our dining room table. My other housemate Seth and Kelly (who still hasn't been told) came home a little bit after. Apparently as they were walking in Kelly happened to go by the table and started thumbing through it. Moments later she picks up a magazine, Shape, and says, "oh, I wanna read this." As she glanced down the cover she spied the address label. "Amber Chan?! Who is this...?" Seth and Steve must have gone into sudden shock. They immediately changed the topic of conversation and didn't speak any more of it that night. But maybe the damage has been done.
If Kelly were to think back to all the funny conversations we've had in the past month she'd probably know what's going on. First there was Steve blurting "Amber!" in the car, then there was the razzing Kelly herself gave me the night after, I had found my Venus razor moved after she had used our shower one time, Kelly and I had an odd conversation about household cleaning a week ago, and now this.
I can understand that Seth wants to keep this a secret from Kelly but I just don't see how it's possible. Kelly is over at our place a lot, plus Seth and I share a bathroom. I have a lot of stuff there that no guy probably would have---not just the razor. Oh, I don't know what to do.
And get this: Steven says to me on the phone the Seth, Kelly, and him are going out to a movie. I told him I was in Girl Mode. He said it didn't matter. I thought about it and I think it would have reinforced the situation. But I also think it would make it an awkward evening. So I told Steve I'm not going to go and make the situation worse. It would have been very interesting though!
Comment 1: We TSs make a big deal out of losing our families as we transition. But, what about the people who have married outside of their religion or chosen a career path contrary to the family's wishes? Aren't they ostracized too? Don't they experience similar pain of separation and guilt of personal choice?
Comment 2: I find it really uncomfortable when people ask if I'm still with a girl or not. I usually say no and that I'm enjoying bachelor life. After all, I had been dating almost consistently between age 15 through age 26---about half of my life has been spent in the arms of other girls. Most people don't question me further why I'm not looking for other girls or why I'm still with my same roommates and all. *sigh* One day this whole story will make sense to everyone else. Maybe sooner than later...
Tried on a skirt I just got back from the cleaners. Ugh! I hate the fact my body has no curves. (Being realistic it probably won't have curves for a very long while if ever.) But it just sort of sucks to see that clothes don't quite hang "right" if you know what I mean. Of course, one of my colleagues has no curves either. No, take that back: two of them don't. But they have good proportions otherwise. I'm stuck with a male frame. ... Nevermind, I'm just venting.
Friday, 2002.12.13:
Working from home has its dangers. I wonder if the mailman remembered me from the last time I talked to him. Earlier today I got a ring on the doorbell. Being in semi-girl mode I didn't know if I should be answering the door in Girl Mode or Guy Mode. I figured what the hell so I opened the door and used Girl Voice, took the package, and chatted with him for a couple of minutes about what to do if he needs to drop something off and it won't fit in the mailbox. Weird.
Saturday, 2002.12.14:
Late late late at night after a party Steven, Seth, and I were just sitting on the floor of our furniture-less home shooting the breeze. We talked about this and that; the subject of my transition came up. Steven asked when am I going full-time---he was saying I should do it January 1st. I was like, "ohnononononooo". I think it would certainly be pretty cool to do that but I don't think I'm quite do that yet. Instead I'm aiming for the first half of next year sometime.
I know I'm not quite ready for this and I haven't planned things out enough. (That's my homework assignment from my counselor before I see her again next month.) People keep telling me, "I can't believe you're not full-time already." But I'm a slow-mover and I need time to absorb the whole situation and commit to it. Plus there are so many little details that I think should be addressed.
I think in about 3 or 4 months I can do adequate prep. I need to get my legal paperwork done, come out to everyone, declare my intentions to my parents (much to their continuing dismay), get clothes that fit, work on feeling comfortable with myself, get my trach shave scheduled, and figure out how to transition at work in a challenging environment like this. I mean, with all the cutbacks and continuing layoffs I am not hopeful for keeping my job. And that is what may make a serious impact on my transition---I do not want to come out if I'm going to be laid off.
You're going to witness me wavering a lot during the next few months. This isn't unusual for me, but what you should be paying attention to is the overall trend. That's the telling factor because my moods and opinions are changing rapidly. I think overall I've come to a place where I'm more resolved towards transitioning.
As I put it to Steve, I'm on a clock now and unless I feel like getting off the drugs and reverting back to Boy Mode indefinitely, my body will be running at its own pace. Even Steven made a very interesting comment to Seth and I. All of us happened to be over at a department store the other day and I guess at some point Steven had been walking behind me. So what he noticed was that my jeans just aren't fitting quite right anymore and it looked odd. Actually, that is true. I fit into my girl jeans quite well but there's at least two pairs of guy jeans which are becoming ... difficult ... to wear. They either fall down too often or are too tight on the upper leg region. On the other hand, my trusty 6P fits perfectly around the waist and, oddly enough, is exactly the right length.
So once again I bring up an old point, but with a twist: I hate buying clothes right now. Not that I don't like clothing and shopping but it's a frustrating experience. I have quite a few things now which don't fit me, and this is both girl stuff and guy stuff. It's like I'm in this real in-between zone where my guy stuff looks silly on my and the girl stuff doesn't fit right. I've been very reluctant to going shopping because of this because I just don't want to throw money at clothing that I'll grow out of in a short period of time. But ... if I'm going full-time then I have to start building a truly functional wardrobe that will let me get through home, work, and semi-formal occasions year 'round. One thought on my mind is to buy season by season. I know this is expensive but it might avoid the problem which I have with at least one of my wool skirts: I bought a 7/8 about half a year ago because it fit my waist at the time and now I'm much more a 5/6 so it just falls down. Argh!
Sunday, 2002.12.15:
Got up late and at some leftovers from last night. Mmm... North Indian/Pakistani cooking. Mmm... Almost all of it was infused with spices and oil. It probably has stained my microwavable container by now.
I'm also hanging out at my parents place today. I'm supposed to help put up the Christmas tree and set the lights and decorations on it. I had a little time so I read the Careers section of the local paper. There are hardly any jobs out there and it's scaring me. My knowledge is very outdated and there's little budget to retrain myself. I may be out of a job soon and stuck in the middle of transition. So, I'm looking at a very bleak situation but one that hasn't materialized yet. I should be saving my money and looking for ways to maintain income. Somehow I'm just a little demotivated right now. I'm tired, I guess. Maybe after X-mas gets over with I'll refocus. But I have the whole transition prep to worry about.
I wish there was more time for everything...
Monday, 2002.12.16:
Yesterday I helped decorate the family Christmas tree. Dad beat me to the punch and got the tree set up before I arrived.
I went to the garage to fetch the strings of lights that he had taken
down from storage. I uncoiled them and snaked them along the living
room floor, finding two good sets of colored lights and three sets
of white lights. Dad got the angel and put her up first then walked
away as I layered the lights on string by string. Mom reminded me,
"it has to sparkle when you squint your eyes! Make it
sparkle!" I put in a couple of blinker bulbs and that helped make
some of the strings twinkle. A good while later all 5 strings and the
angel were up and sparkling as bright as ever. (This is a shot of the
tree in our living room. Off to the right are some other window
decorations that Mom and Dad put up.Another Miss-Identification happened today. I was over at a store after work trying to take advantage of some of the sales. I approached a counter where there was a lone sales rep running herself between customers. I waited patiently as she went through them one at a time---she reassured me, "you're next." Some other guy approached the counter as well and she said, "I'll be right with you as soon as I help this young lady out." I was thinking to myself, oh, you have to be kidding me. And sure enough she walks right back over to help me and I was like: "um, uh, I sort of need your help." Her face drops and she says, "oh! I'm sorry, it's just that ... I thought you were ... I mean but you're so cute..." Right about then in my head I thought of two things: (1) since I'm clearly in my crappy/bulky/baggy drab clothes this is a very good sign that I pass, but (2) I wonder how much longer I can keep from transitioning.
Tuesday, 2002.12.17:
I'm stuck as to picking a middle name. My first name I picked out in my childhood. My last name I don't plan on changing. But my middle name is elusive. I can't easily make a variation of my Guy Name as my middle name. My Dad's first name is my middle name, my brother's middle name is my Grandfather's name. I thought of using my Mom's first name as my middle, but it just doesn't seem to sound quite right. I could use my Chinese variant of "Amber" as my middle, but few would be able to spell it. My Grandmother's name is good but I'm still unsure of the cadence. My Guy Name is of Hebrew origin; my Grandmother's name is also of Hebrew origin. (Yes, because we were all born in North America we all have Western-style first names.) "Amber" has 2 syllables, "Chan" has 1 syllable; I think a 3-syllable middle name would give it an overall nice sound. I could move my last name to my middle and pick a different last name, but I'd rather not. I could also just ask my parents what they'd like and might mean scrapping the name "Amber" altogether.
Just for good measure I checked to see if there were any other Ambers in my building or site. There's six at my site, but none in my building. That's supposed to be a good thing.
Wednesday, 2002.12.18:
I'm water resistant! Whoohoo! (OOHhhhhhkaayyyy, Amber, what the heck are you talking about?)
Well, glad you asked. I was really bummed that my new watch was only marginally water resistant. That's because the booklet didn't say what kind of water resistance I had nor did the front or back sides of my watch. So, I kept thinking: "geez, I spent all this money on a watch that isn't water resistant for more than rain and splashes?" This was my thought until ... just a few minutes ago. I happened to take off the protective bracket around the watch face. Hidden under it were the majestic words: "WATER RESIST 100M". Eh?!! No way! So it is water resistant and to a great degree! Coolness! Now I'm happy with my purchase. Only ... I wish it wasn't so bulky like my Disney Tigger watch. (Fairly close to this one.) Anyways, I'm happy about this.
Oh, and I'm drunk. Thanks to my friend Rod, I now have much margarita in me. And boy do I feel weird. I never drink. So, I have an extremely low alcohol tolerance. I've been trying to get more into it so alcohol doesn't bowl me over, but holy crap... The drink he mixed has me not being able to sit up straight to type. Good thing that I may not be driving tonight. It's kind of a weird feeling to have your mental faculties and zero physical coordination. Even typing is a chore...
And, I just found out a very disturbing thing: my site is unavailable due to hitting maximum transfer limits. Dang! (Well, that's what I get for being cheap and not paying for domain hosting.) I wonder if it's these blogger things that are killing the bandwidth. I mean they're no less than 80KB each plus whatever Geocities headers/footers/JavaScript that gets automagically embedded into it. It doesn't help that I've been including 1 image/blog...
You know what I need? I need a place to schlep off all these large images and extra files. Thanks to Arianna I have such a place; it's just a pain to maintain two sites at exactly the same time and I really should get my own. One of these days I may decide to get this site hosted on a real server with my own real space and higher bandwidth limits. In a way I wonder if doing the Kate thing is a good idea where the majority of the site is pure text...
Thursday, 2002.12.19:
Huh...? When did I start drinking my coffee black...?
I'm staring down at an empty cup and realizing two things: 1) I just drank coffee without the aid of sugar and cream, and 2) I've started eating fish more often. Both things I used to detest. Funny. Is this a sign of age or transition?
And, argh, I still don't know what to get my parents for Christmas. Don't you hate it when people say, "oh, don't get me anything." Gee, well, at least a hint of what would be useful/enjoyed/cute would be nice. And what do you get your parents after they've been married for like 31 years? They have all the household things that they could want and they really do have too many knickknacks hanging around. I keep trying to come up with new stuff... crystals, convection ovens, rice cookers, videos, snacks, ornaments, music, ... I realize that our time together is more important but it's always nice to recognize the occasion with something material.
My therapist recommended me to also check out Dr. Edward Falces for trach shaves. I guess I'll be contacting his office soon---yet another doctor. What's kind of unique about his practice is "Westernization" of Asian eyelids. Weird.
The problem with choosing doctors, I think, is the lack of patient response. We don't have enough data points and the ability to use free speech to openly discuss the problems. I've been hearing some bad things about some doctors which are held in high esteem. The problem is that people just don't talk about it. And it's interesting in that the more you talk to people you realize that there are conflicting opinions. Who's to say who's right? Well, I hope eventually there will be open discussion without fear of lawsuits.
You can probably tell I'm pretty paranoid about the whole Adam's apple thingy. I am. I hate it. In general if I had to pick between SRS and trach shave, I would probably pick trach shave---people don't see your genitals that often.
Oh, I got test results back today from last week. Muahahahaa... My numbers for my age range:
Will you look at that? Cool, eh? I checked out some other web sites and the numbers for the normal ranges seem to be accurate enough. So here are additional statistics:
hormone normal range my result testosterone 260-1000 NG/DL male
15-70 female14 NG/DL estradiol 21-50 PG/ML 77 PG/ML
So, my doc also pointed out I need more sleep. She says my melatonin levels are probably low. I believe her. Now I really have to consider what happens to this site. My whole involvement with the trans community has been great. It's cathartic and pleasureful at the same time. Many great friends have been made, many lives interacted with. Heck, I just spend 4.25 hours on the phone tonight, not counting the other phone calls during the day. (This is not unusual!) Maybe it's time to move on? I hate to say that. But... Well, I'm just going to have to sleep on it for a while...
object/attribute dosage/description Estrogen Estradiol patch 0.1mg/day Antiandrogen Spironolactone 150mg/day Months on HRT 6
Friday, 2002.12.20:
I think I decided on a middle name, but I'm not sure. It's just that there aren't too many names that work well with Amber in my opinion. I mean, I've cruised so many long lists of names and few seem to be palatable, and only a couple stand out. Amber does not work as a middle name itself, and because I'd like to keep my family name I'm looking for something compatible. I think I want something that sounds soft or regal. On the "short" list were: Alexandra, Alexis, Alicia, Alison, Amanda, Ashley, Caroline, Catherine, Christina, Christine, Cordelia, Diane, Elane, Eleanor, Elizabeth, Emily, Erica, Evelyn, Isabel, Jessica, Johanna, Josephine, Katherine, Marcella, Maria, Marianne, Marilyn, Marissa, Melissa, Michelle, Natalie, Natasha, Nicole, Patricia, Rebecca, Teresa, Vanessa, and Victoria. I think I'm going to drop all the "M", "N", and "V" names. All the ones I like are As, Cs, Ds, and Es.
Saturday, 2002.12.21:
I look like a frickin' joke. Holy crapola. So, I wore my one and only suit today, white shirt with tie, non-white socks, and spiffy shoes. After I donned the attire I looked at myself in the full length mirror and just sulked. This sucks. Not because I'm wearing a suit but because I just don't fit this stuff really anymore. I mean, it still hangs on me but the shirt is puffy in weird places and extremely roomy in the back---I swear I have like half a foot of slack now. The coat is now roomy around the shoulders where it once sat on top of muscle bulk. Ugh. I just felt so darned odd wearing it today.
And another one goes by the wayside. No, this isn't a complaint or a rant but an observation. The transgendered community is strange because it is so transient. Some come and stay, but many just go through as if just doing an airport change of flights with a short layover.
So, back to the suit thing. I went to a friend's wedding. It was nice in a church and all, then the reception was held in a cozy ballroom. Anyways, I was watching the bride and groom and was very happy for them. They really are a cute couple together. Thoughts ran through my mind as well. Will I ever find a relationship? Will I ever get married? See, my older T-friends have already gone through marriage---I may never get to go through it...
Also gave away a semi-expensive coat today. I felt I didn't need it anymore. In fact, I had only worn it three times. I bought this sort of London Fog coat that on a normal guy would probably come down to his mid-thigh. But, because it has always been big on me it hangs down around the knees level. Why didn't I get one that fit exactly? Long story, but it involved me needing a coat in a hurry and there not being anything that fits me. So, I've had this long coat doing nothing in my closet, and now it looks even more ridiculous on me than my suit. One of my friends today asked for a coat because his suit coat was a bit thin for our cold weather. I let him borrow my big coat and at the end of the day just told him to keep it. Yup. It looks about right on his frame (closer to 5'10") than mine (around 5'4").
Sunday, 2002.12.22:
I looked at an old watch that ran out of batteries. I was thinking: Gee, I should probably get this battery replaced. Oh, wait. I'm not going to wear this watch anymore. Well, I guess it's fitting that I don't do anything about it...
Oh, nuts. I went to a department store to find another pair of Style & Co. jeans but they don't have my size! Grr... I knew that when I had first tried them on they fit so well (and continue to do so) that I should have bought multiple pairs of them. It's just like someone told me about bras: if you find something that you like then buy a bunch because manufacturers have a funny way of phasing out the stuff you've come to rely on.
I did find out something interesting, though: Style & Co. is apparently a house brand of Macy's/FDS just like I·N·C, Charter Club, Alfani, The Cellar, Greendog, Jennifer Moore, First Impressions, Tools of the Trade, and Arnold Palmer. No kidding.
Monday, 2002.12.23:
Thanks to Avicel PH I may be able to take my compounded micronized progesterones. See, I am allergic to peanuts---oddly enough so is my internal medicine doc. So, she pointed me to a pharmacy which will do compounding for me. Of course, this is going to cost $$$ out of my own pocket but I don't see a way around them. My insurance does not cover compounding. We're looking at the smallest size pills, too, because I've got problems with a strong gag reflex so I can't take down anything large like pills and stuff. (Hey, stop laughing. I know you are! Get your mind outta the gutter! Yes, yes, yes, this has been a long running joke around here.) This is actually a serious problem because if I can't take the meds then there's no point in filling a prescription. The smallest size they apparently can fill is a #3 capsule. I saw it when I went in to place my order. It's manageable.
We're estimating at least $40/month to get these things done and no insurance will probably cover my compounding let alone the fact this is for transgendered treatment! And so we're estimating about 2-4 years of this stuff, so, um, about $2,000 in total. I guess that's a cost I will have to pay if I want the progesterones...
Well, I just found out what happened to my rebate form for my new HDD. I shredded it. Yup. Shredded. That was $40 of rebates (oh, plus a $0.37 stamp) that I just obliterated. How, you may ask? *sigh* It involved a fiasco which transpired a couple of weeks ago. In the process of transferring my address from one envelope to another I shredded the old envelope. I thought I had taken all the items out of it, but I guess not. Today I was hunting for the form and then I wondered if I had left it in the envelope which I had shredded. I opened up the bucket of confetti and sifted through it. I found a few shards of the envelope itself and I knew I was close. And then I saw the metallic reflective label that was previously my proof of purchase sticker. I sank to my knees in despair. You're thinking, it's a small thing. What's $40 lost? Well, it's more symbolic than anything else. It was that a strain on our friendships happened and now I've also lost the rebate. I can't even reuse the frickin' stamp from the envelope because it had been re-glued. In the end all was lost and nothing gained. I hate it when things like this happen. It's not right. It's not fair to anyone. And I'm now saddened. It should not have come to this...
Tuesday, 2002.12.24:
I just realized I need to cut my fingernails. I know having long fingernails is so girly and stuff, but I have always believed that it interferes with my typing. What I notice is not so much the sound but that it changes the angle my hands are over the keyboard. Since I use a laptop with small, flat keys I think the effect is pronounced---a normal slightly elevated keyboard would cause me to strike the keys more of at an angle rather than more vertically. Anyways, this is annoying. I'm going to go clip them back. I still think it's funny that one of Stevester's friend's sister remembers me as the "guy with long hair and nice nails". I do not know where she got that.
Anyways something a little more serious...
Back to non-serious.
I grew up on Maruchan cup-a-noodles. When I need a snack to fill a few hours (like now, because it's 4 hours before dinner) I just wander over to my cabinet in the kitchen and pop open a cheapo pack. Instant ramen packs suck by themselves. That is why there is crushed chili pepper. And Shichimi/Namami Togarashi. Mmm... Any of these add instant life to your bowl o' noodles. A couple good shakes of this stuff into the boiling water with the noodles turns that boring little bowl into a mouth watering delight.
I can't believe this: I got an Afro Ken calendar. It's cute ... but, oh ... I dunno. It's just weird having that hanging prominently in my bedroom.
Wednesday, 2002.12.25:
Merry X-mas!
You know what'd be fun next year? Christmas caroling. Here I am poring over a Christmas songs book. Lots of fun stuff in here---they even have Grandma Got Run Over By A Raindeer.
But, what the heck is a
wassail? My American Heritage CD says a salutation or
toast given in drinking to someone's health or some festive kind of
celebratory action.Want to know some random things? I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life. I don't like My Favorite Things because it sounds dark and scary.
Oh, and I came out to my brother tonight.
Thursday, 2002.12.26:
Diana Krall. I wish I could sing/play like her. I'm watching the Diana Krall: Live In Paris DVD right now.
One of the fun things about high school was that I was in a small jazz trio/quartet. A couple of friends approached me one day and said they were looking for a piano player. I had a few reservations but agreed. Soon we were borrowing equipment, practicing in garages, playing in the driveways, cafés, street fairs, school. It was a really unique experience. The three of us really seemed to have something going together. We were young but we had a good sound---one on sax, one on drums, and me on keyboards. Later we would add a bass player. The drum guy and sax guy were great. Not just because they had tutoring but because they had an internal drive to make music. The bass guy matured and became fairly good. I progressed in my own ways.
We didn't have to be all professional but it was nice to try. I don't know what happened to everyone. I still have a tape or two hanging around which I probably should rip to MP3 before the tapes disintegrate to nothing. I ran across our business cards yesterday when I was cleaning up my room.
Anyways, I'm watching this video and it brought back memories of the "old days". Krall even says "When I was 16 years old ... I was playing in the school jazz band and I had my own trio." Maybe, one day I'll get back into music when/if I get serious about it. I'm an odd duck in the sense I haven't figured out what music I really like. So, one day you may see me pop up in smooth jazz, electronic music, pop, or something else. You never know...
Oh, I just uploaded a new coming out story. What a Christmas this has been.
In my left hand is a bottle of 60 capsules filled with micronized progesterones. For the price of $78.90 these little guys will help me out twice daily for a total of 200mg for the next few years. $78.90 is a lot more than I expected the cost of this to be---my endocrinologist thought it would be closer to $40. Oops. Anyways, so figure about $80 over the next 2 years will amount to about $3,840, 3 years would be $5,760. Ugh. Is this really worth it? Well, progesterones apparently are an optional component, but I really do want mature glandular growth. I guess we'll see how the sprio/estradiol/progesterone combo works. Wish me luck... *gulp*
Sunday, 2002.12.29:
A marathon. That's what it feels like I've run right now. I've been trying to build a new computer before the New Year because I need personal processing power and CD-burning capabilities. My last computer was purchased in 1996 for around $3,500. This time I'm trying to keep most of the costs to under $2,000---hardware only, software will be a lot more.
On Thursday I decided to buy half of the components to my new computer. I was going to wait on the graphics card to be available (ATI Radeon Pro 9500) and I thought $219 was too much for it. So, I waited ... until Friday night. Friday I couldn't sleep. I started doing a lot of research and decided on the memory and CPU I would need to get. I searched the web for countless articles and now I think I have a good idea of what FSBs, CAS latencies, and PC2100/PC2700/PC3200 memory can do. Midday yesterday (Saturday) I picked up the rest of the components! The shop turned out to be completely sold out of the Radeon 9500 Pro I was pining for and so in an impulse purchase I upgraded to the 9700 Pro. OMG. This is such an awesome graphics card. No wonder people rave about it. Allow me to put this in perspective: I've been playing Warcraft III on my laptop with a $h!tty card and slow processor at 640x480x16 and only getting about 9 frames per second. With the new computer and the 9700 Pro I'm at 1280x1024x32 and getting results so smooth I have no idea how fast it's running. For a test I ran a custom game at max resolution, all options enabled and on the highest settings, with 12 computers and there was zero lag. Unbelievable. I also just installed Quake III Team Arena and it's so smooth it actually makes me dizzy.
Anyways, the total cost of the machine is a bit much at $1,655.08 (which includes Win XP Pro). I only want to add Office XP (about $350), a flatpanel (about $550), and maybe a WinZIP license ($30). Yes, I'm trying to build a 100% legit system with all my own licenses. Long gone are the days of using pirated software and work-supported licensing. Yup. The cost of going legit on your own is staggering, IMO. Like my Adobe Photoshop is in the $650-$750 range last time I checked. That's a huge chunk of money!
Right now I've got it all built and humming on my desktop. It's running Final Reality nonstop. I'm trying to burn in the system by this coming Tuesday. I honestly don't know what other free/low-cost utility to use to burn it in. But, FR seems to be doing a decent job. CPU is cruising at 43°C/109°F, which seems to be pretty normal for an AMD Athlon XP 2400+ right out of the box. (According to an AMD technical doc an Athlon XP 2200+'s normal operating temperature is around 61.7°C/143°F.) The ASUSTeK A7N8X nForce2 motherboard is happily passing bits and bytes at 266 FSB, all while integrating the LAN, audio, I/O, etc. Really, the only things inside the central part of the case are my motherboard and the graphics card---it is so sparse inside. Oh, and the case I got is metallic black with a clear acrylic front plate that glows blue when the power is on. This is really cool...
So, I may be offline for a couple more days while I get this rig set up and my AWZ data (among other things) transferred over to it...
And, oh my. I thought it was my imagination yesterday but I'm pretty sure today. Today (Sunday) marks Day 4 of using progesterones and I've taken down six 100mg pills so far. I started feeling an itch yesterday in my right nipple area and I just passed it off as something usual. But then there was a short pain, almost a phantom pain, but nothing more. Today while driving I bumped into myself and I'm definitely 2x or 3x more sensitive than normal. I'm thinking it's related to the progesterones. But, if it is true then it means I'm going to have to be more careful in moving about because I tend to run into things. Now instead of just light pain I'll probably get sharp pain...
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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