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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Saturday, 2003.02.01:
What a night, what a day.
So, yesterday was the eve of Chinese New Years. (Yay, happy year of the sheep.) Anyways, to celebrate, a bunch of friends and I got together and did dinner and an all-night gaming session. Until 4 AM. Warcraft III, Mario Party. We also watched Bourne Identity. (Me likes.) And at 4 AM I got a snack and then went to bed. Only to wake up 4 hours later.
I dragged my sleepy butt out of bed around 8:00a-9:00a and then found it futile. So, I went back to bed until 9:45a. The household pretty much got out of bed (except for Steve-o) then we went to address towing a friend's broken car to a shop. We used AAA and got it there no problem. But then it was back home for a quick shower, change, and then out again.
I hit a department store and really wanted to get shoes, an office-suitable purse, and some concealer. Well, I got the concealer and then some, but none of the purses really grabbed me. I'm looking for something tan/brown, smooth leather, small/medium size, and can be carried over the shoulder tucking just slightly around the elbow. I saw lots of stuff but didn't like the texture or the stitching. Argh. A sea of choices out there and not one really resonated with me. I'm just too picky. Shopping is fun but a lot of work.
Anyways, I'm beat. I got home just before 5:00p and I'm just falling over. I talked to Jen via a chat window for a while but then just had to pack it in until dinnertime....
One thing that really bothered me is that my voice has been crappy all day. Ever since I got sick I've had a very very difficult time using my girl voice. It is always feeling like it's strained and the doc had confirmed at my pre-op appointment that there was some major stress on the chords. I think I'm going to try to be mute for the rest of the weekend, but actually I don't think that's going to work exceptionally well... I just hope I recover from my trach shave quickly and that I can get back to voice retraining.
T-3.
Sunday, 2003.02.02:
Had a good shopping day and a terrible voice day. That whole thing about my voice being strained is very real and I wonder if I'm doing more damage to it by the day. Really, it's sad. So, my voice sucked all day long when I was out in Girl Mode all day long. I don't think it got me read but nonetheless it was somewhat embarrassing. The funny thing is that it all cleared up after dinner. I don't know why.
So, today was another trip back to Banana Republic, J. Crew, Gap, Sephora, Bath & Body Works, Benetton, and Macy's. I had some online coupons for Gap and B&BW but for some reason didn't find anything. I mean, I found this nice cable knit sweater but they just didn't have it in my size. Go figure that.
Something funny for you: I've always had problems finding clothes in my size as a guy and now I'm running into the same problems as a girl. Does anything ever change? Actually, though, while the outcome is the same, the reasons are different. Shopping for guy's clothes is futile because I'm a bit on the small and thin side. Shopping for clothes as a girl sucks in my area because we have a lot of tiny Asians (grr...) and they take all the smaller sizes. Darn them. Oh, wait, I'm Asian too. Argh!
T-2.
Monday, 2003.02.03:
Ran around all day in Boy Mode just getting supplies and stuff. So my cabinet is well-stocked with soups and the freezer has some chicken nuggets in there. I got a bell from a friend (and bought a back-up one) just in case I need to get Steven's attention. And I got some miscellaneous office supplies. Oh, I went to a neato beauty store and got some vitamin E oil as well as some nail and hair accessories. One of the girls looked at me totally weird and the other was very nice. Maybe they were puzzled why a guy seemed to at ease just wandering around picking out supplies without looking embarrassed or anything. I don't know for sure.
Tonight was just quiet. I had some pearl tea, watched a little DVD, and then decided to take a long shower. I figure as long as I get about 7 hours of sleep I'll be fine for tomorrow.
T-1.
Tuesday, 2003.02.04:
T-0.
6:46a.
So thirsty. My lips are almost cracked and my mouth is all pasty. This thanks to the fact the pre-op instructions said absolutely nothing to eat or drink past midnight. Oh joy. I couldn't even use moisturizer after my shower so I'm feeling a little dry outside too. Ugh. I just hope I get this over with and back home. The schedule is supposed to be simple:
- 8:00a: Be at the surgery center.
- 9:00a: Operation begins.
- 10:00a: Into recovery room.
- 11:00a: Leave surgery center.
Wednesday, 2003.02.05:
T+1.
The trach went OK. I'm still sore, but I'm up and bouncing around. About the only thing I can't really do is swallow. Ugh. It hurts pretty bad when I do that. But I ate something because I was getting queasy not having eaten all day. Actually, I'm going to write up a surgery report instead of blogging it here.
| If you don't know who Genma is, he's a panda. Actually, no, he's not. He's the father of Ranma in the manga/anime Ranma 1/2. Due to him falling in a cursed spring he is forever cursed by becoming a panda every time he is splashed with cold water. In his panda mode he cannot talk at all so he always carries around the large wooden signs with whatever he needs to say. |
Saw the Dr. Orisek today and he removed the bandage covering the site. He looked and said that it should heal well. I just need to keep it dry and use the antibiotics (pills and ointment) that he provided. Interestingly enough, he said two things: 1) there is no conclusive evidence that vitamin E will reduce scarring, 2) pinching and rubbing this scar shouldn't be necessary due to its location.
Saw the Pearl Harbor DVD. I'm not a history buff so I can't attest to its accuracy, but I have to say that I really liked the way the whole film was composed. The only thing that was lacking would have been more of a perspective from the Japanese pilots' side to understand what they were going through, knowing full well that this would be the trigger that would bring America into war. But, in the context of the movie, maybe it wasn't necessary to bring that up---they did give some very brief statements.
Thursday, 2003.02.06:
T+2. (OK, I'm going to stop counting now.)
Still recovering. Pain is still there. The sutures are itching a little, so I think I'll dab some more antibiotic ointment on it to keep the area a little more moist. Otherwise, my voice is still virtually nonexistent. I did try a range test late this morning and got very interesting results. My male range hurts quite badly to do, but the female range is not that hard to do. In fact, I would actually say that the female range has taken on some different resonance characteristics---it's sharper, tinny almost, lighter. I haven't figured out what is attributing to it yet but I thought that to be very interesting in itself.
I finally got in a shower yesterday. When I first moved into this new house I hated the fact we had a removable shower head, but now I am so glad we have one. I was able to keep the throat dry and get everything else cleaned. Thank goodness. But I have to figure out a decent way of washing my hair. It needs a good conditioning.
Finally got around to watching the New Kimagure Orange Road movie this afternoon. It was so-so. I've been trying watch 1 movie a day to get through my old backlog of movies.
Downloaded the update to Microsoft Movie Maker 2. Finally! Something that can read my Motion JPEG files made by my camera. What this means is I may be able to compose several of my small media clips into a longer reel. Cool. So I just assembled a 5 minute video about my thoughts pre-surgery. Maybe you guys will see it one day, maybe you won't. I don't know if I plan on publishing it.
Another interesting development: took my nightly pills in 1 swallow. That's 1 capsule and 2 tablets. You don't realize how significant this is until I tell you that I have never been able to take more than a small pill at a time because any more and I gag. Well, I was just able to take 3. I'm not quite sure why this is the case but I'm forming some theories.
Friday, 2003.02.07:
I was planning on reading books most of the day and sleeping. But, no, I ended up playing with Movie Maker 2 half of the day. Actually, for a simple program it's not too bad. It has way too many limitations for anything other than simple home videos, but at least I can get this new video reel done. Last August I took a trip to see my Grandma and I took over 800 videos and photos along the way. My thoughts were that one day I would find a way to combine them all either into a photo album, video, or a blend of the two. Well, I started out this late morning putting a few of the clips together and now I actually have 2 of the 4 days of footage rolled together. However, I have finally run into a major annoyance: I can crash Movie Maker. Right-clicking on one of the audio tracks seems to make it freeze. So, I'm going to have to find a way around this. I tuned the auto-save to every 2 minutes because I'm tired of losing data. Still it's a bit of a problem every time I have to recover my work.
Saturday, 2003.02.08:
I now have a love/hate relationship with Movie Maker 2. It does most of what I want it to do, but it constantly crashes. Granted, the reel is extending over 20 minutes now and has probably over a hundred or so pictures and videos (not to mention background music tracks), but I've rarely seen a program cause my entire computer to soft reset. Really. I was just moving a photo around and then, pop!, my screen goes blank and my computer does a warm-up beep. I looked at disbelief at the box and indeed it was rebooting. So, not even a chance to save my data it all goes poof in a microsecond... Ugh. I just hope this thing holds up until I can finish the reel.
Voice is still pretty bad but recovering a little from yesterday. Pain still is there but less than the day before.
Sunday, 2003.02.09:
Stupid gagging problems are getting on my nerves. Today I must have triggered the reflex about 5 or 6 times. I'm tired of it. I used to be able to quell the reflex by drinking water, now it doesn't really seem to matter. It just happens. I guess I'm getting used to it. I know it just looks bad and I feel even worse about it. It's all temporary though. This too shall pass.
Logged on to my work mail servers to check out the messages I've missed since I started PTO on Jan 31 and there's 599 messages there. Yippee. Most of them are probably junk---mailing lists, company announcements, etc. But at least 1/3 are probably important. I guess I'll be up for a while tonight checking them out and syncing my schedules. I didn't really miss work this past week but it sure did not feel like a vacation.
I can't wait to get the sutures out tomorrow. In retrospect I should have gotten them out in the morning before work so I wouldn't be walking around with them, but if I can last until about 2:30p then I'll be OK. I'm going to take off early, get the sutures pulled, have a few pictures taken, and then I'll be in the long-term recovery phase. Thank goodness. I just hope my voice continues to improve so I can go back to training my Girl Voice---that probably sucks now since I haven't used it in over a week.
Monday, 2003.02.10:
Yay! Sutures out! I'll post some more of the results on the Surgery page a bit later. I still think the incision site looks pretty ugly, but I'm told this will heal and fade over time. Sure, a trach shave is minor compared to full-blown FFS, but I think it's important nonetheless.
I hearken back to something my Dad once told me about cosmetic surgery: the greatest benefit was the psychological benefit. And, really, that's what we're doing in my case. Let's face it (no pun intended): I didn't absolutely need it, but it helps in two ways. First, I know that it is obvious in some situations especially when having photos taken of me and I'm wearing makeup. Secondly, I don't feel like I have to hide my neck anymore---because there really isn't anything to hide. It's just like when I completed electrolysis: nothing left to hide.
I think that's more of a general philosophy of mine. I hate having to use smoke and mirrors all of the time. Deception is not one of my traits. I'm hoping that once I get into full-time and then way beyond that then there will be even less to hide. The only thing I would choose to hide is the portion of my past that I was a guy at one point. True, that is something big, but it hopefully means that I can live most of the rest of the aspects of my life in an open fashion the way it used to be before I started transition.
Tuesday, 2003.02.11:
I think I figured something out. One of the reasons why I trigger that stupid gag reflex is because my throat is itchy. So, I ask myself: why is it itchy? Well, I know the tissues are healing, but maybe the itchiness comes not from the decrease in swelling and the nerves reconnecting but more from the skin just drying out. So, I thought about it. I've been drinking a lot of water. Water is generally a good thing, right? Well, maybe not in this case. Water cleans your throat exposing it more to air. Well, air dries things out. What if you were able to maintain a thin protective barrier all of the time? Would that stop the itching? So, the experiment began late yesterday when I stopped drinking water and switched to milk and juice. Today I did mostly soda. The result? Zero itching. Interesting, isn't it?
Got fed up with the whole Movie Maker experience. Maybe a 30-minute video is really just too much for the software to handle. So I have been checking out alternates. About $550 for Adobe Premiere 6.5 and $700 for After Effects 5.5 Standard. Sheesh. Well, I guess I'll check out the 30-day trials and see if I like the software. The way I rationalize all my software purchases is that if I know I am going to make significant use out of something then I don't mind shelling out the $$$ for it. I would have bought Photoshop myself ($609) except that I acquired a license for free. So, since that saved me $600 maybe I'll look to getting the other packages. I use Photoshop extensively---probably about once a day or so---and have for the past 3 years. I don't think I'll make quite the same use out of the video editing programs, but I would like to have a nice one to play with. Then again, I wouldn't mind Maya as well.
Of course, one of the big decisions is that if I can put off getting these kinds of expensive packages, you can get a lot of clothes for that amount.
Plus, I probably ought to be concentrating on my coming out letters
anyways.
Thursday, 2003.02.13:
Edited and re-edited my coming out letters again. Even Steven and Jen chipped in. I think things are pretty much done. Now I have to worry about the logistics of all the documentation I plan to have done. I still want to delay putting plans in motion until a couple more months so I can see how the job situation is going to pan out. But we'll see.
Saturday, 2003.02.15:
Oops. Forgot to mail my therapist my coming out letters. I guess I'll convert them to Word doc format and mail them to her. I use OpenOffice because, um, well, I'm cheap. I like Microsoft Word, Excel, and PowerPoint, but not quite that much. OpenOffice is a nice alternative.
Spent all of early afternoon on the phone with friends talking. But, before I got onto the phone call spree I opened a can of chili and popped it into the microwave. Then it was call after call after call. As a result, the can of chili that I opened around 1:30p has been reheated more than 3 times. I used to work in a sandwich shop and we used to be given food prep and handling guidelines. I know that food should generally be held at 180 degrees or higher to keep bacteria from multiplying quickly. I also know that you should serve foods within a relatively short period of time for similar reasons. It is now 3:30p. I have cheese on this chili. The chili has cooled down to room temperature twice. Well, I haven't had food poisoning in a while...
As in the words of Austin Powers,
"I
also like to live dangerously."Tomorrow it looks like I'll be meeting up with Mom and Dad just to hang out, sorta. Our hanging out usually consists of sitting around and watching TV or going out to eat. Pretty much anything else they are not up for. Hopefully I'll have the video spliced and rendered by this afternoon so I can show it to them tomorrow.
Sunday, 2003.02.16:
I absolutely hate the way Movie Maker clobbers my computer. Observe:
You should keep in mind that my computer only has 1 GB of RAM. Under normal circumstances all the processes in my computer only total 225 MB. When rendering movies this thing sucks up so much RAM! I never thought the day would come when I seriously considered putting 3 GB RAM in my home computer. Of course, the better solution is to get better software that won't kill the system like this.
Monday, 2003.02.17:
Ugh. Too much computer gaming! I've been gaming like 5 hours a day for the past three days. We've been usually starting these sessions at night and continuing into the wee hours of the next morn. 2 AM? Nah. 3 AM? Nah. 4 AM?! Yup. I've usually been calling it quits somewhere between 3-4 AM because I'm just so dead tired. I was pretty sleep deprived at the end of the work week and then we (friends and roommates and fiancées) met up for something to eat and a little video game entertainment. That meant I brought my PC downstairs from my room to the main living room which is littered with cables and computer equipment. No kidding. Friday night there must have been about 8 computers in the room, though only 6 were being used for gaming.
The name of the game is still Warcraft III. We've been playing custom maps for maze defense (Azure Tower Defense) and gladiators (Gladiators 2.92). I've actually gotten pretty good at the tower defense and gladiators really depends on what character you pick. My new favorite is a giant space rat.
Don't laugh! It actually is
a very good (almost too cheap) character. If you make it immune to
magic so it can get close to other players (e.g. not entrapped) then
you do massive damage at a very fast rate.I wonder if I'll miss the LAN parties when I'm moved out? As time has gone on I've drifted from computers as entertainment and now I use computers more as communication tools and media centers. In the future I don't know if I really want to be lugging my computer around either. Ah, but I'm sure this will be remembered as a good time in my life.
Read Pretty Face * translated manga chapter 14. OMG. If you ever read this then this chapter was just totally gratuitous "fan service". * This reminds me: one of my roommates has an Aika DVD which epitomizes fan service. But rather than use my own words to describe it, I'll use a quote from Protoculture Addicts magazine: "The most panties we have ever seen!" Um ... yeah. Anyways, don't think I'm knocking PF because it is pretty funny. It's a combination of the gender silliness of Ranma 1/2 and the lustfullness of DNA^2.
Finished up the video yesterday. Just to give an overview of what it was, I went on a trip last year to see my ailing Grandma and I brought along my new (at that time) Powershot G2. Thanks to an IBM 1 GB microdrive I was able to capture photos and videos, well over 800---about 1/3 of the media I deleted while on the trip because they were shots I knew I didn't want. Anyways, so all that stuff with Microsoft Movie Maker 2 ended up being me rolling together a good number of those shots and videos into a half-hour documentary. I was actually surprised at how long it was in the end, but there were a lot of clips.
Despite incessant crashes and crappy encodes, I did manage to finally render the video into 3 WMV segments. Run back-to-back it tells of a story spanning 4 days that I travelled with my parents in the car, through hotels, to the hospital, to family dinners, and finally to a convalescent home. The final video has about 340 pictures, 12 soundtracks, tons of transitions, and subtitles to produce 332 MB of files. I'm sure you didn't want to hear me talk about the specifics of the video, but it actually leads me to the next point: home video.
I've thought about movie-making for a long time but never really had the equipment to work with it. Well, that's sort of changed. If I can find software that won't crash on me and gives me more functionality, I may soon be purchasing a MiniDV camera and a remote mic. I guess what I've found out in the past couple of working with the software and footage is that like music and art I just have an affinity for audio/visual stuff. What this translates into is that I may be embarking on some expensive and time-consuming hobbies. I dunno. I just find it rewarding somehow. Maybe this is one of the things to look forward to post-transition.
In related topics, I showed my parents the video and they seemed to have liked it. It gave them a chance to see the pictures from the trip and for them to appreciate the journey.
And now for another segue...
So I saw my parents yesterday for the first time in probably 3 weeks. This was the first time that they've seen me post-op. Mom wanted to know about the scar and after showing her she said, "hm, you can't even see it." I have to say that the incision placement neatly hides it in the folds of my neck. They both weren't all that turned off from it even though they still harbor disagreements about me transitioning. I'm hoping that they may come around but I was hoping that they would before I have to pick a middle name. I would really like them to be part of that process.
Took more post-op pictures today and affixed them to the Surgery page.
Tuesday, 2003.02.18:
Found a cool site today: WikiPedia. Go now and join the content revolution...
My work laptop is acting up again. Spontaneous system freezes and crashes. I wonder if the hard drive is going again? I entered in a support case and so I hope our floor tech is going to get around to me this week. It's terrible losing your work so often. Then again, I guess I'm not the only one with computer troubles.
Wednesday, 2003.02.19:
"Mild chronic chorditis" is what the doctor says I had at my pre-op exam. I can only imagine what happened after that. That first week of recovery probably did a lot of damage to an already traumatized site. I'm really hope (almost praying) that Dr. Orisek will not recommend a second surgery. Really hoping. I'm also trying to decide which of those words is worse: "chronic" or "chorditis". My voice was OK up to surgery then after that it was gone. But if he's right about the chronic part then I may really have to change the voice production technique.
Friday, 2003.02.21:
Laptop is still dying w/out any apparent cause. The tech that came to my cube took my laptop away and reported that there was no hardware problem with it. Then, out of the blue, a friend who works for the same company calls up and asks me if I had heard of laptops spontaneously freezing. I jumped for joy: it was probably a software problem! Oh, but I.T. has their software image updates being pushed across our network all the time and it probably fouled things up again.
I did more vocal range testing today in the afternoon and I'm very certain I do have some kind of obstruction near the middle of the chords. What that's causing is for higher frequencies all I get is air rushing through my larynx, no vibration. Bad, eh?
I'm pretty depressed over this. The whole voice thing has really put my transition in limbo. I mean, I'm going to continue w/ HRT and quietly keep to myself, but no part-time Girl Mode in the short term and maybe a delay in the transition dates. That thought alone is pretty depressing. I hate being in this limbo of part-time guy part-time girl, and now it's like I'm stuck being an all-time guy. Ugh. Ack. Eee. Argh. Words cannot describe the frustration, really; I think I'll make primitive caveman-like sounds.
What's really at the heart of the frustration is that there's a lot of waiting and testing to do to figure out what is really the problem here. It's nothing I can personally do, no matter what I do. So, I give up all control and place my hopes back into the hands of doctors. Just giving up all that control is hard enough, let alone now considering the various surgical or steriod-type treatments I may have to go through. Talk about turning a simple surgery into a serious ordeal! Hopefully I'll see the doctor soon and we'll get a real action plan.
You can probably tell that the next several blogs are going to be focused on my brooding over what to do about the voice thing. Please continue to bear with me.
Sigh. Sigh.Enough with the depressing stuff... Now for the weird stuff.
So there's this weenie roast for a friend tomorrow. I plan to go in semi-girl mode. Actually, this is the first time in a long time where I think I'm going to feel like an absolute tranny. As in, I'm going (if I do end up going) in girl-ish sort of mode and yet my voice is going to be the old Guy Mode voice. I'm going to try to soften it a little, but then I'm going to just sound effeminate. I'm hoping my cheery attitude will carry me through.
Besides, the weenie roast isn't about me. It's about my friend. This is her struggle and this is her night to recognize this milestone. I'm not going to let my issues get in the way. As long as the other people in the party aren't going to be all embarrassed, then I think I should just go for it. I should show my support and friendship. That's really what it's about, right? Not me. Her. Not my problem. Her accomplishment. So, the decision is simple. I think...
I also think back to what it will be if I don't go. I will have
missed an opportunity to see her. And that I don't want to have.
Saturday, 2003.02.22:
The weenie roast was OK. It was a small gathering and I only really knew one person, the roastee. I would have joined in the conversation probably but everyone was talking about their cars and tech support jobs---topics that just didn't quite grab me. But we ate grilled hot dogs in the cool night mountain air. I'm glad I went but I would have liked to have had more time to go looking around for a gift. I found a couple chintzy things and wrapped them for my friend, though I think she liked the card. One of the stanzas in her card was:
It's yet another stage in your journeyMaybe we'll have a reunion get-together when my friend returns. I wish her the best.
as your future unfolds.
Enjoy your life-in-between-dilations.
(Or so I am told...)
So, the part I really didn't expect about the weenie roast was the
drive up there. Really, it's amazing. My friend has a house atop a
hill and the road to get up to the house is something of a harrowing
adventure. As soon as I
got off the highway and onto the path I knew this was going to be tough.
Imagine my little sedan trying to tackle a winding 10-foot wide loose
dirt and
rock path at a 20-degree incline with sheer drops off one side and just
my high beams guiding the way through the pitch black forest.
I took the hill probably around 5 MPH and it was like a 10-minute climb.
I kept wondering if I'd lose traction on the dirt and my car would slide
off the open edge! The picture on the right really doesn't show you the
grade of the incline. On the bright side, if I wanted excercise
it would have been a great
path to jog up and down in the daytime...E-mail.
It's that time of the month again! The E-mail Clearance Time. Yup. Time to go back through my In Box of all the e-mail that has queued up that I haven't answered and to actually write something back to these nice people. I'm so bad that I don't answer e-mail all that often---personally, I find it rude. But, I guess I have to prioritize things and answering e-mail from visitors takes a back seat sometimes. Though, I think I warned most people that I really fail to respond quickly these days...
Sunday, 2003.02.23:
This cracks me up. I look at my mail and one of them is a pre-approved credit card offer for my girl name. Consider that I'm not even legally that name yet and if I put in my SSN it'll not match at all. Oh well.
I also got my credit card bill for last month's shopping adventures. $669.02, most of it over 2 days of shopping. Yay. And I didn't even find shoes and pants that I need. I guess once I get my voice back I'll go out shopping again. I can see how it's real easy to drop over $500 in a day. Scary... Though I'm happy with some of the stuff. I think the bluish/whitish J.Crew sweater and some Banana Republic longsleeves are going to be favorites of mine already.
In a moment of frustration yesterday I did an interesting thing. I attempted to run a full vocal range. Something happened and I can now access all the pitches I used to have---yay! But, the problem is that there is still an obstruction on/near the vocal folds and so the resonance levels are totally off. My range runs from about C#-3 to D-6, I get resonance cut-off after A-4.
I did get a chance to play with my new earphones that Kristina brought back from Asia. They are much more expensive than over here, if they are sold at all. Sony MDR-EX70SL (English). I won't go into detail, but let's just say for earbuds I've never quite heard as deep bass and crisp highs as these things produce. I should buy these in bulk. (They are pretty fragile.)
Tuesday, 2003.02.25:
Mozilla is great. For some reason until now I've never used the pop-up filter feature but I think I'm going to! When a window pops up just right-click and choose the option to ignore those windows. It's so easy!
Wednesday, 2003.02.26:
| Ah, Ping from the Disney movie Mulan. If you've never seen it, she was the main character, a girl, who ended up masquerading as a man and fighting with an army. She acted overly masculine to compensate for her femininity and she covered up to look more like a guy. |
To tell you the truth, something has changed in the past 3 weeks and I'm not really quite sure what it is. I'm getting misread much more often than usual. I mean, I've been getting misread since I started growing my hair out but this now is ridiculous. I'm covering up, hair back in a ponytail and usually under a baseball cap. My voice is also still low in the male range. The only thing that I have had change is the Adam's apple removal. And when you think about that, the Adam's apple is not that big. But maybe getting rid of that was one of the final straws?
I got misread several times yesterday at lunch which creating a very weird situation in front of my colleague who I haven't told. Plus today I was going into the men's room on my floor and this guy passes me on his way out of the restroom and just stopped and stared. I mean a really confused stare. If it wasn't for the fact that I sort of pushed my way into the restroom I'm not sure that he would have let me in.
Thursday, 2003.02.27:
I am so losing it. I went down this morning to the kitchen with my usual pills in hand---2 spironolactone and 1 progesterone. I put them down on a bag that's sitting on the counter so I can open the fridge when I stop and look at the bag. There's already 2 spironolactone and 1 progesterone there, staring right back at me. I gasped. They were from yesterday! Which means ... well ... for the first time I can remember I have actually forgotten to take my meds. Forgot! I know I was distracted but usually I don't make a mistake like that. Oh well. It's not like I can make up for it anyhow.
...
I feel trapped. I never thought I would ever use the phrase "a girl trapped in a man's body", but this is exactly how I describe my current predicament. Besides having a very much restricted vocal range, doctor's orders are not to talk loudly or even attempt any higher pitch---did I mention he put me on a corticosteroid, Prednisone? Anyways, so here I am being misread all the time and also different friends are calling up and I have to use the guy voice. It is pretty frustrating because I don't have an option as whether or not to use my girl voice, I'm really just stuck. Restricted. Trapped. Mega ugh. I'm just hoping this downtime is going end sooner than later.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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