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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Friday, 2003.08.01:
Went out with Jen and Sarah and the most amazing thing happened: I got back half of an octave of my vocal range. No kidding. I'm not sure what really transpired but it was after we were coming back from dinner. We had been yelling to each other because the restaurant was so loud. And in Jen's car we were talking and then all of the sudden, POP! went my throat. I felt a small rush of liquid down the back of my throat and it felt like some kind of tissue had just flung itself loose and was jostling in my windpipe. It was giving me a very uncomfortable tickly feeling that usually precedes me triggering my gag reflex. But no, instead the itch resolved itself and as we neared my home I noticed something very odd. Jen and Sarah were telling me at that point to rest my voice but what I wanted to tell them was that something good just happened. Well, I don't know if it's good but I'll tell you that I no longer have a frequency cutoff at G-4. (My girl range ran from about D-3 to G-4 after my trach shave.) Oh ho ho ho... But now I can run in girl voice between about C-3 to D-5. It was like I just broke through a barrier. Get this too: I've almost got my laugh back too! Before tonight I couldn't access the range of my voice which I usually laugh at (F-4 to B-4). This is so cool. I don't know what happened but I'm glad it did. I should note that my voice is still hoarse but at least it has most of its range back.
Saturday, 2003.08.02:
Was going to go out bar hopping with Jen and Sarah tonight 'cuz I have my picture ID now. Got all dressed up in heels, black skirt, sleeveless top, and some of my roomie's borrowed jewelry. But due to events during the day we got too late of a start. All that we accomplished was dinner. All that beauty effort for nothing? Well, I did get to practice painting my toenails again. See? There is a silver lining to it.
...
And the freezer trick works! Wow. I have a terrible time sharpening eyeliner pencils so I stuck mine in the freezer for about 30 minutes. Finally I was able to get the thing to reach a point without breaking off. I think next time I might try leaving it in there a bit longer, maybe 2 hours, and see if that helps it a little more.
Tuesday, 2003.08.05:
I guess a few days have gone by where I haven't had a chance to write stuff down. Not that you really care. No it couldn't be that entertaining, could it? Naw...
Let's see now ... When we last left our heroine she was going to do a grrls night but was thwarted by a lack of group stamina ... She had a little beer instead of getting plastered ... And that's a good thing because she had to drive a ways to meet a friend the next day. A hangover would have been a very bad thing.
...
Ah, the 3rd. So, Sunday I'm sitting in my new lil' mobile zooming down the highway (trying to not keep constant RPMs 'cuz it's still in the break-in period) and I realize I'm going 90 MPH. Huh? I didn't even notice it. I mean, the ride is good enough that 50 MPH feels pretty much like 90 MPH. No kidding. Jen tried it out the other day and remarked something similar. (Cue Queen's "Headlong".)
So I ease up on the throttle back down to 70 MPH and then I realize I'm getting close to San Francisco. You know that place has plenty of hills, right? Well hills make me nervous. Why? 'Cuz I'm driving a manual transmission now and I've only been doing it since Thursday night. One would think that if you didn't have a bit of experience behind you that you wouldn't attempt driving hills. Right? Right? Uh, did I mention that I'm slightly insane? (Cue Queen's "I'm Going Slightly Mad".)
I roll into the city and all's well because I entered from the East side---oh thank heaven for the 280/6th street on/offramp! It drops you down in a non-crowded part of the City on some pretty flat streets. Well, you get across Market street and the fun begins.
Inclines!
The frosty side of me yells "whoohoo!" but the
wheaty side of me cowers in a dark corner dreading
my car rolling backwards into some tailgater.
So I got my first taste of really starting and stopping on non-level ground. No biggie, 'cuz they're not steep. But then there's the 7-level parking garage. Heh. Can we say one really big hill climb? I finally make it all the way to the top, realize there's no valet parking in the upper levels, and then have to spiral down about 3 floors to the nearest available valet. Out of the car then down to the ground floor I went.
My feet back on solid ground I amble down the streets towards the hotel that's our rendezvous point. I get a call on my cell but I can't hear the other person, so I hang up. When I get to the lobby there was Sianna looking up at me, and to her right her wife. I didn't know if it was her at first but she had her cellular out too as if to indicate she had just called me. (I had met Sianna through some message boards so this was the first time in-person. It's kinda cool when you finally get to see people in 3-D.
)Our next target is lunch and we have no clue where we're going. I offered to drive and was reminded that I have just started driving a stick. Sianna was like, "uh, no, I think we should walk." What she didn't say, of course, was, "dude, I wanna live." (Or maybe, "you scare me and I don't want to have to change my underwear more than once today.") Party poopers. Grrr. (Cue Queen's "Keep Yourself Alive".)
So we trot down the streets and at one point find ourselves equidistant between two Starbucks that are on opposite intersections. Talk about having too many locations! (Then again, there's this place in Vancouver, British Columbia, where there used to be 3 Starbucks at the same intersection.) Well, we eventually spy this place and duck into it.
We chat for a while. We talk about transition, her town, her roomies, their marriage, video games, work, more video games, and some other stuff. In the course of everything I learn how truly evil and insane Sianna is. Heh. I won't go into detail---you'll have to ask her directly to explain the bizarre madness that is her life.
After all that shooting the breeze we roll out of there and find a shopping center nearby. Rather than walk around we head for coffee. And sit. Again. And talk. Again.
But that's all good for us. I mean, our conversations
were not boring in the least so it was well worth it.
And at the very end we parted ways......
Monday I dropped my car off at the dealer to get it detailed. When they first presented it to me it was not in its cleanest shape. Steve noted that there was some kind of discoloration or damage on the left door. It was very slight. Anyways, there were other little things about the car which could use a bit of cleaning so the deal I made with the sales rep was to bring it back at a later date to get it cleaned up.
Now, what's interesting about this is that the loaner car they gave me is an identical version of the car. Meaning, it is also a manual transmission. I told the guy who gave me the loaner that I was just learning how to drive sticks and that I thought usually loaners are automatic transmissions. The guy thanked me for being honest about it but just shrugged it off saying that if I could drive SF then I could probably manage the car. Fortunately I haven't beaten up on the loaner too badly. And the guy was right, it is more practice. (Crunch! Uh, that wasn't my gearbox, uh, I think.)
...
And that brings us to today. Nothing really eventful. I was going to pick up my newly-detailed car but then was told that they'll have it ready tomorrow. Grr! Ah well, more practice for me!
I think I'm getting the hang of it. Not bad for only having done it for 5 days. I still stall out once in a while but I'm getting the ability to balance the clutch and the gas better. My fear isn't really stalling out but rather burning the clutch. I'm told though that clutches are pretty durable and as long as you don't go out of your way to ride it or abuse it then it should last. I'm also at the point where I drive more by the sound of the engine and less by the tachometer.
I really like the feel of the car. I just feel more connected to it than most other cars I've driven. I think it's about the right size for me and all the controls just seem to be right where they should be. It does have more power than I know what to do with, so I gotta be careful with that. I'm pretty careless as it is and so I will most likely get my first speeding ticket soon.
I had a truly pathetic dinner experience tonight and I'd like to tell you about it. I wasn't in the mood for anything in particular tonight considering in the past week I've cycled through Japanese, Chinese, Mexican, American, bar & grill stuff, and Italian. But I figured I'd cook. After all I have to hone my abilities don't I? And of course I chose something totally tantalizing: macaroni and cheese! Bachelor(ette) food! Mmm mmm mmm... Nuttin' like a lil' box of mac to fill up yer tummy.
Ah, but this is no ordinary cheesy mac. This is Amber Style. (Read: Amber doesn't know how to cook but let's watch her try!) So I bust out the Kraft mac 'n cheese. I've made this so much that I don't read the instructions anymore---isn't that sad? I get the frozen veggies out of the freezer along with some frozen lap xuong (Chinese sweet pork sausage pronounced something like "lop chung"). Oh and the piece de resistance: crushed red chili pepper.
Everything is going as planned. Water boils. Macaroni cooks. Water drains. Add margarine. ... And then I pick up the quart of milk to pour in my 1/4 cup. I tilt the carton and out comes frickin' cottage cheese. HURL!
OMG, I cursed at the heavens as I surveyed
the lumpy white mass sitting atop the hot macaroni
mixture. I can't believe the milk had been left in the
fridge that long! WTF!After my rant I flushed the rest of the curdled milk down the kitchen sink and set aside the FUBARed mac in a bowl to cool down. I still needed dinner. So I did what I could think of: I took another box of mac out from the cabinet.
(Second time's the charm, right?) So I repeated the
above process and used an unopened carton of milk this
time. Mmm... It worked! It was even a bit cheesier
because I had the cheese packet that came with the box
I used as well as the extra cheese packet from the
botched attempt. So I used 1.5 the normal cheese load.
Hey, but I like cheese, remember?Oh, a word of advice about mac and cheese: if you plan to eat the entire box in one sitting (like I normally do because I'm some sort of a freak) be sure to add some meat and a lot of veggies in there. Why? Well let's just say that all that cheese mixture congeals after a while in your stomach. If you don't have the veggies in there it will be quite the painful experience later. Oh, a little Coke or orange juice to wash it all down is a good thing too to help break down the food and oil. (And now you're saying, "okaaayy Amber, that was TMI." Whatever. See if I care when you don't add veggies to your mac and cheese! Sucks to be you!)
Hey, Queer Eye is on in 5 minutes! Gotta run!
(Cue Queen's "These Are The Days Of Our Lives".)
Wednesday, 2003.08.06:
Since when did I get married? What the . . . ?
I was with Steve tonight at a store poking around the audio equipment stuff. He spied this system he wanted to get and finally flagged down a sales rep. We followed her over to her kiosk and then they started filling out paperwork. I got bored in, oh, about 2 seconds of waiting and I spied a rack of music keyboards on the next aisle endcap. So I toodle over there and muck around with things for a few minutes. Steve comes up a bit later and says, "you're my wife." I look at him and go, "what?!" He tells me, "yeah, the sales woman asked me, 'so your wife's Chinese?' And I said, no, she's my friend." OMG. That was funny! So just for tonight I'm Steve's wife.
...
Oh, I got me car back! Yay! Mmm ... welcome home my little silver-clad beauty. Now I can mess up my own clutch again. I did notice something different between this car and the loaner: this one feels more solid. I don't know why but this one just feels better. The loaner was good but the clutch was more rough, for lack of a better word. Mine, on the other hand, sort of glides between gears better. Maybe I just have a better relationship with it.
While I was at the store with Steve I got a small metallic CD case. I was trying to be all color coordinated with my car. So much for that effort. The colors aren't quite close enough so I'll probably end up returning the CD case and just going for an all-black one.
Speaking of CDs, it occurred to me that I should start making my own CD mixes. After all, I end up skipping a lot of songs when I'm listening to the CDs currently loaded in the CD changer. So why not make an album of stuff I like? I bounced the idea off of Jen and I'm going through the list of her music and trying to figure out what I can have for driving music. I think on my short list for one of the CD I'm including:
- Get The Party Started, Pink
- Desire, Ozzy Osbourne
- Halcyon, ATB
- Headlong, Queen
- Larger Than Life, Backstreet Boys
- Elektrobank, Chemical Brothers
- Revolve, Nine Days
- Flavor Of The Week, American Hi-Fi
- Heaven (Green Court Remix), DJ Sammy & Yanou
In other news, I finally passed 6 weeks of having my studs in. So I popped them out this morning and cleaned them. Ahhh... Finally! Getting them back in I used a trick Jen's mom had: put a wee bit of Neosporin on the post. Not only does it make it just glide in but also helps disinfect. I had a bit of an awkward moment putting the left stud back in. I missed the exit hole and I realized that the post was now swimming inside my ear. What a weird feeling. So I gently got it back out and reinserted it successfully. I held the bottom of the earlobe and tugged slightly and that seemed to help the entry/exit holes line up too.
Friday, 2003.08.08:
The whole "flashmob" concept is pretty interesting. I like the fact it's spontaneous, odd, harmless, and just plain ol' fun. Too bad it'll probably die out real quick or evolve into something nasty. Kinda reminds me of Fight Club where the members get crazy "homework". I am Jack's mocking curiosity.
...
Found a new tracker: Psycle. Shares a lot of the same Buzz Tracker concepts but has a more tracker-like interface. Since I'm an oldskooler I think I might prefer Psycle. I could never quite wrap my head around the multiple Buzz patterns. I mean Buzz is very flexible but the problem is "debugging" a song. You end up walking through all the patterns for all the dozens of machines. I'd rather see all the machine tracks side by side like Psycle has because then it makes reading things in sequence easier. As well as cutting and pasting between tracks.
...
Got my new checks in the mail. Finally! I'd love to shred all those other checkbooks in my old name but they misspelled my address on the new ones. Oh sweet irony! Argh!!!
It's kind of weird when I think about it that this is all really happening. I look at my old name and it's feeling less and less like it's mine.
Saturday, 2003.08.09:
Yay! Two days straight w/out stalling the car out! Whoohoo! Hey, it's a milestone for me considering ... um ... let's see ... Thursday before last ... uh I guess that's 9 days of practice? Kewl.
...
Was listening to the radio and finally got the artist and the name of a song which I like: Jason Mraz, "The Remedy (I Won't Worry)". I know it's just catchy pop stuff but I like it. So there.
I dunno if I'll get
the album, but the single maybe. I watched a bit of the
documentary stuff on his web site. Kinda makes me wish I
could get back into music. I'm always thinking about it.
I worry that I'm already too old to get into the scene.
I dunno. You never know. But it would be cool to get back
to a place where I'm back on stage at some point....
It has been 2 days off of progesterones and I think it is true: when I'm not on them I have like 30% more energy. I seem to be a lot more mentally alert, I sleep better, I can just function for more hours out of the day. When I'm on them I feel like I'm thinking through a fog and I feel more lethargic in general. I'm glad I started on the cycling program that my doc suggested.
...
I'm really going to have to learn some real recipes. Tonight's gourmet feast was the Salisbury Steak flavor Hamburger Helper. And my roomie (the sucker!) tried some. At least she can take the heat. I added a little Chinese chili paste and a bit of pepper in it to kick it up a notch. BAM! Hey, you have to admit that Hamburger Helper on its own is pretty blah.
...
Went shopping today at a local mall to get a friend a gift for her birthday. About a dozen of us are planning to descend on a small restaurant on the coast tomorrow for a birthday brunch. It should be fun. Hopefully I'll get to run my lil' machine out to the venue.
Anyways, it's always hard trying to figure out what to get someone that you don't know all that well. (She's a friend but I don't see her all that often.) But you know how some people have a "typical" gift that they give? Like my ex used to give people picture frames a lot of the time. Me, I give candles.
I've always liked scented candles. I hate incense but that's another story. I was just thinking back that out of all my guy friends no one else has ever expressed a like for candles, scented or not. In fact, one friend I came out to (Rod) commented that he thought I was gay or some kind of queer because of that. In his mind it was a red flag that something wasn't right. Oh how little he knew...
...
I caved and bought a PS2 console. Yeah, I wasn't going to buy it but I started thinking that I really miss Dance Dance Revolution (DDR). Remember I was crazy about that game? Well, I stopped going to arcades for it some time last summer when it was getting really uncomfortable to try to do it when I wasn't wearing a bra. No, heck, even with a bra it was just bad.
Nowadays I'm looking for some kind of exercise I can do any time of day w/out having to worry about other people looking at me. Plus, I didn't really put any money for the downpayment on the new car---the trade-in covered that squarely. So I figure I can absorb the cost of the PS2 as a "health and fitness expense". My doc says I need to be in better shape. I think walking is boring, I don't want to run, and it's a bit of a drive to get to the trails.
Now, I've been eyeing the new RedOctane Metal Pad. According to the users who've tried it the feel is pretty good. I was going to build my own last year but that just turned out to be hard. And now someone's selling it commercially. The only problem is that it's $199.99, same price as the PS2 bundle! Grr... Do I really want to spend another $200 to get a metal pad? A good dance pad runs you about $50---they have it on sale for $40 right now. For $80 I can have two pads and it would be quieter so that when my roomie wants to sleep she doesn't have to deal with my stomping. But I really want a metal feel to it! I was going to try to build my own and that would have cost quite a bit. So I'm saving time here. Maybe I'll wait until DDRMAX2 comes out in the US. I'm going to go off and debate for a while...
Eep! Time to go off and level up a new paladin in NWN. The guys are going to game-on around 10:00p.
Sunday, 2003.08.10:
It was certainly an adventure today trying to drive with a large soda. I came to the realization that the base of extra large soda cups won't fit in any of the cup holders. Oops. So I did the next best thing I could think of: cradle it between my legs. Bad idea, but it was better than anything else I could think of doing at the moment. Thank goodness for my microfiber cloth that I always keep in the car. It is somewhat water resistant and so that provided a catch for the extra soda that inevitably spilled out. I was pretty impressed that only a couple of dribbles made it out of the soda cup and that I didn't miss a single shift.
KIDS: DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS AT HOME. ...
Saw American Wedding. Despite my roomie's opinion and one of her colleagues, I liked this more than American Pie 2. The gang was up to their usual antics but Seann William Scott really carried it. Was it worth the money? I'd say if you check your brain at the door you'll at least have a few laughs. The sight gags are still good and the new characters add a bit of spice. Still I think the best one of the three is still the first. Why? Because I say so.
Monday, 2003.08.11:
Ooo... The Helix Nebula (NGC 7293) is cool. But I still think the best-looking one is the Eagle Nebula (M 16) inside the Horsehead Nebula. Ooo, here's a better picture of the Eagle. ...
I'm still upset at myself for losing my sunglasses. I still have my favorite Ray Bans, but those are non-prescription. My clip-ons are what has gone missing. I checked my usual places and I can't find them. I'm hoping that I left them over at Steve's or on my desk at work. My faith is wearing thin, though. I think it's much more likely I either lost them due to my bag being open or they're somewhere in my old car. I don't have a massive attachment to them---in fact I hated them. However, they cost a bit of money and it hurts when you lose something that was practical and expensive. When it's sunny out now I have to make a choice: suffer the brightness but be able to see far, or help soothe my eyes and see short distances.
...
My weight is going up. Yay! I'd like to say that the extra pounds are going in the right area, but bzzzzt! they're not. Sorta. All the weight ended up on my thighs and not on my waist---good! But I really wanted to have it end up more on and around my hips to help them fill out. In related news, my blood pressure has also gone up. Oops.
...
Woke up this morn and my voice was virtually gone. Just for kicks I tried out my guy voice and the bass in it was phenomenally low. (My sound software puts the fundamental frequency around 95-105 Hz, compared with my girl fundamental frequency running 170-180 Hz.) I tried my girl range and it just was nonexistent. Oops. Ever since last Thursday after I had a couple of glasses of some orange dessert wine I've been feeling funny. I mean, my throat has been itching and stuff. I've had to clear my throat numerous times in the past few days. I'm probably going to see a doc, but in the meanwhile I've been doing more poking around to try to figure out what singers do in this situation. The general advice looks to be:
- Get a lot of rest!
- Drink warm liquids---not hot or cold.
- Avoid caffeine and alcohol. That includes tea, coffee, soda, and spirits.
- If you do drink tea add honey, not sugar.
- Get a humidifier.
- Don't speak and absolutely avoid whispering and clearing your throat.
- When you do get back into making sound, start with soft humming and then work up your strength.
- Peppermint and eucalyptus oil are good things.
- Thayer's Slippery Elm Throat Lozenges are a must.
- Zinc and Vitamin C are also recommended.
- Avoid milk and dairy.
- Don't smoke. (And there's a million other reasons why.)
- Gargle with warm salt water.
Found my Thayer's Slippery Elm! Cool. It's different than the other lozenges I've had. My old favorites were these grape flavored ones that really numbed my throat. This one is different because it creates this thin film feeling. Not bad. I also found some other tea that was recommended by people: Throat Coat. It smells kinda funny, it's not bad with honey.
(And, no, I didn't buy the lozenges on recommendation from Queer Eye. The lozenges are really recommended by singers and I'm treating my problem as a singing-related problem.) ...
On a whim I learned a few new signs in ASL (American Sign Language) just for the heck of it.
Tuesday, 2003.08.12:
<opinion>
Liberia's new president today is Moses Blah. Blah? Blah. I'm sure it's a perfectly acceptable last name. It's just ... well ... don't you think that last name is more appropriate for our President?
</opinion>
Speaking of politics, have you heard what's going on in our whacky state of California? Well, as of today we have a new alphabet which is ordered: R, W, Q, O, J, M, V, A, H, B, S, G, Z, X, N, T, C, I, E, K, U, P, D, Y, F, and L. Crazy! I thought as a practical joke I should substitute all our sorting algorithms in our code to sort using this alphabet. Nah, that'd be mean.
...
So my physician says I've got laryngitis. Yay. I'm mandated a week or so of voice rest. Maybe I'll do two. I dunno. I was planning on doing it later when I wasn't so busy with stuff, but oh well. Now I get to deal with it right now.
Was out and about in a different city at lunchtime after my doc's appointment so I decided to get lunch there than pick up lunch in my usual stomping grounds. I settled on a bakery and got myself a turkey and avocado sandwich on Dutch crust bread. Mmm... I love that bread.
...
It's a good thing I can type fast. (I think the last time I took a test it was around 106 WPM.) It's coming in real handy as I'm with other people in conversations and I'm using my laptop to write out my responses. I can almost get up to dictation speed. It's pretty cool when you think of it that way.
...
Got my new business cards in my office mailbox today. I guess I have a lot of shredding of my old cards to do! (Since I never give out business cards I still have some 200 left I think.)
I'm still a little taken aback by looking at the card and seeing Amber C___ printed on it. It's my name but at the same time it's not quite my name, if you know what I mean. I guess I'm continuing to get used to recognizing it as me.
Wednesday, 2003.08.13:
Hrmm... The new PS2 Eye Toy looks pretty cool. I'm a big fan of games that actually make you do something versus sit on your tuchas and twiddle a small controller with your opposable thumbs.
...
Getting more practice with American Sign Language (ASL). I rifled through a bunch of sites but two ones that seemed to be good are:
I now know some of the signs like yes, no, open, close, here, there, today, yesterday, boy, girl, eat, drink, and so on.
I was out with Jen last night for dinner and used a little bit of it. She is better at reading fingerspelling. But we resorted to the pad and paper at one point because neither of us knows enough to really get by. Since I'm stuck with voice rest for a couple of weeks I suppose now would be an opportune time to learn some ASL to have some level of communication ability. I'm rapidly burning through all of my mini notepads because I'm writing so many notes.
Thursday, 2003.08.14:
I've been going through a plethora of different text-to-speech programs. Most make use of Microsoft's TTS SAPI. Some of the voice generation isn't bad at all! You can still tell it's mechanical but it's pretty good overall. But if you want to pay a lot of money you can get some very good systems. I was very impressed with PhoneTree's engine. I think that was the most impressive one I have heard. Elan Speech's Sayso was also great. I wish I could sound like that, actually.
I really have to spend time to put up the latest Voice Zone stuff. I think you'll notice the difference in the sound and you get the bonus of hearing my female voice right alongside my male voice for instantaneous comparison. And you know what? This is the sound even with my voice being damaged. Imagine if it wasn't all screwed up.
Friday, 2003.08.15:
Called up Steve for dinner but obviously since I can't talk I got my computer to do it for me. So, my side of the conversation went like this:
Hi Steve, it's Amber.
I found a new voice toy.
Yes...it's me!
Look, biyatch. I'm hungry. Have you thought of a place to eat dinner?
Let's get something. Think of a place otherwise I'll suggest Togo's.
So, I'll be at your place soon!
Are you going to make me type all day?!
Look, I'll see you soon. Bye!
Saturday, 2003.08.16:
Ooo... The latest Tuck is out. Now I can pull it down to my drive and pass it through my Perl text-to-HTML formatter. Yes, I know Ellen prolly despises me for not reading Tuck in its "pure" format---i.e. text. But it's easier on my eyes and I have a secondary formatter to process it into a version that I can carry with me on my Palm. Hey, I think if technology can enable you to have more freedom then so be it. So sing it with me:
99 episodes of Tuck on my drive! 99 episodes of Tuck! Take one down and format it around, 98 episodes of Tuck on my drive!
...
Almost every time I look in the mirror I get depressed when I see my arm muscles. Had I known 15 years ago that I was going to do transition right now, I certainly would have been more reserved in my choice of sports. I used to do a lot of swimming and we used to work out in the gym quite a bit as well. So, I was pretty strong, but now it's working against me. Argh! (No, I don't have self-body-hate issues, do I?)
...
Hey! I just looked back at the Deluxe Pack that I got with the PS2. It comes with an S-video cable! Cool! I was debating buying one but there it is... What do you know? Plus the wireless remote means I can actually watch DVDs from a distance. Oh wait, we have a good DVD player. Oops. Heh.
...
Spent 4 hours last night doing NWN. We were doing the "A Land In Need - A Hero Indeed" module on a friend's personal server. (I think that's the module; can't remember.) My new monk is horribly underpowered and is a terrible shot. I swear, about half of the time she's missing with the heavy crossbow.
...
Just swapped out the CDs in my car. Now on tap are:
- Information Society
- Queen: Classic Queen
- Chicago: Motion Picture Soundtrack
- Weird Al: Poodle Hat
- Absolute Trance
- DJ Ferry Corsten: Global Trancemissions
...
I'm rapidly running out of paper. I've got to stock up on notepads. I still have over a week to maintain vocal silence. Worse yet, all the silencing I think is starting to create a moisture buildup. My allergies are kicking in too and it's not making me happy. In the past couple of days I've started having problems with a lot of phlegm. (Yeah, I'm sure you wanted to hear all about that!) That and the spironolactone have totally conspired to not let me get any sleep. Man! I hate my life some days...
I've been doing a lot of fingerspelling with Jen these past days. I just found out today that Ursula knows it too. Cool. So I can sorta communicate with them w/out having to write everything down. The problem is I'm such a verbose person that it's hard to write short sentences like: me hungry, McDonald's dinner? Instead I'm writing stuff like: I'm getting hungry, want to do McDonald's?
Oh, by the way, my new name around the house is Wheezy. You know, cuz I can't talk and all I ever do is just kinda wheeze when I laugh and stuff. Urusla decided to give that one to me and I'm afraid it's going to stick. You have to understand her though. She gives everyone a nickname. Like some of her friends are named Q-tip and Monkey.
...
Got my new checks back from my bank today. And they're spelled right! (They sent me a box with typos in the address. But they were quick to replace them.) And they're on colored backgrounds. Heh. I've wanted to get more designer-type checks than the plain ones my bank gives out, but I never had the heart to spend the extra money since I kept moving around so much these past 5 years. Even though I may keep changing addresses every so often, I kinda figured that my "inaugural checks" for the New Me should be something I like. So, hey, now I have multicolored checks. Yay.
...
Was going to go stargazing at a local observatory tonight but due my throat being all FUBARed, I decided against going. The cold night air would certainly not be helpful.
...
Ended up seeing S.W.A.T.. I never saw the original 70s TV series, but the movie was entertaining. Colin Farrell's cute and holds up the intelligent tough guy image. Michelle Rodriguez kicks a little bit of ass. But overall I thought the movie was a little bit of a disappointment. Is it worth the money? Sure. It's a typical plot of a strong leader forms a band of recruits with different personalities and has to get them to work as a unit then they're sent out to get the bad guys and triumph in the end. It had lots of action and the acting was fine. But my problem with it was that you never got really know the characters all that well except for Farrell's. And the ending. Um. Too abrupt. Well, you'll see. Jen and Ursula put it this way: "it's a good popcorn movie." Yeah, it was, it just didn't really offer much that's new.
Sunday, 2003.08.17:
I think I'm going to sit here and sulk in my misery. Man! Being with a voice is one of the greatest impairments I've ever had the displeasure of having. If you want to hear me whine, go right ahead and read this. Otherwise skip to tomorrow's entry please... (Well, there's a chunk of this entry that might be a fun read about dating.)
I hate being disabled like this. It is frustrating having to write everything out. You can't have a normal interaction with anyone. You always feel embarrassed. And it's very difficult to deal with the rest of life's problems right now---and believe you me I have more than enough to go around right now. This all weighs down on me quite heavily right now because I feel useless and left out of everything. The thought has crossed my mind many times in the past few days about breaking voice rest. But I'm going to stick to it per doctor's orders. I will get through this. It's only another week and a half. But, shit, in the meanwhile I have to put up with all this crap.
So, Seth is moving out of Steve's place today and I got very vague info about it. I only knew it was happening today, not when or where. I was never involved in any conversations except one with Seth over dinner and at that he was also vague. He said he'd send directions or something. I never got them. In fact, Seth was more of the opinion that he had enough people helping him move already, so it's not like I was required. But it would have been nice. I mean, I've been there for him whenever in the past.
What's really upsetting me is not the fact that I wasn't included in the beginning. Rather it's when Steve called me this morning at 11:15a and gave me a guilt trip about not being there. (He only said that people had finished at his house and that I could help out at Seth's new place.) Yeah I could still drive there but since I'm 30 minutes away I know that by the time I got there they'd all be done. And sure enough, I called Steve back a bit later and got Seth's fianceé on the phone. Using TTS software on my computer I asked her if they wanted me to come over and help out. She said that they were already done. Oops!
I did not want to let Seth down. I'm not sure that he wanted me there anyways, but the point is that when a friend has a need I will be there for them 110%. I've dropped everything before and I will do it again. People---especially friends---are much more important to me than almost everything else in my life.
Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I think that this may be one of the last times I see Seth around. I may see him online once in a while but that's about it. I know our lives are moving in very opposite directions and it was fun while it lasted. But I always felt that between us that I was trying to pull him into things rather than he also returning the same feeling. And more recently he's said some pretty bad things which makes me have little faith in our friendship lasting much longer. Even though he said last year that nothing would change our friendship, well there are some things which just do.
The important thing to remember is that I don't think any of this has to do directly with my transition. This is more resulting from both of us being very tired/stressed/depressed and both of us moving out from Steve's household. We don't see each other anymore, don't call each other on the phone, etc. And so the bond is lost. I have some good memories with this guy. Bay to Breakers and late night video games.
Friendships come and go. More often they go with a whimper than a bang. It's just sad to see things whimper out, you know? It makes me feel all the more alone right now. I'd love to say that right now I have all these new friendships that are budding and that will help usher me into my new life, but that's not exactly the case either. I'm not as socially ready to deal with people in my new skin and I know it probably shows. So I also feel like I'm stuck in this no-man's land between people, between the sexes, between careers, everything. I have to do something to help push me to one side or the other because straddling the middle is a very bad thing.
Maybe, just maybe, letting a bunch of my old friendships go by the wayside is a good thing in terms of the future. It hurts to think that I'm going to lose people---well, I'm not really "losing" them but I'm not going to be as close to them. I hate being alone.
One further thing that is pushing down my mood is an impending problem that will materialize next year. I plan to do SRS and hopefully I can get on the waiting lists soon---today I'm going to do my research and confirm that who I plan to go to is indeed the right person for me. Keep in mind that I've met quite a few new people and they all in a circle of friends that includes my current roomie. Jen is also part of this circle and she's having hers done next year. If I'm lucky I'll have mine done a few months after her. Now, think about this: TSs are pretty rare in any group of friends. So, if one person goes through it then everyone's going to be paying more attention to it. Then I go through the same thing a few months later. Even if I say nothing, I'm going to be stuck at home mostly for a month or two. Very similar recovery circumstances. So, don't you think people would notice?
All of this is very dependent on whether I'm still roommates with Ursula next year. (Not that I don't get along with her. No.) If things change near the end of this year and I lose my living accommodations then next year I'll most likely be in a new place---yay, keeping up my pattern of moving every year, whoopee doo. If I'm in a new place then it will be much easier to contain the news. If I'm not in a new place then people are possibly going to know. We have BBQs here at our house. If I'm stuck staying in the house during summer then a whole bunch of people will be over and they'll wonder why.
Worse yet, something interesting is possibly developing. There's this one guy in "the gang" (as it is commonly called) that I met last September at a party here at the house. I wouldn't say we hit it off but we were friendly. He was also there when he helped me move. And he was also around last weekend as a small group of people helped do house repair. So, I've been in enough situations with him where we were in fairly close proximity. The thing is that from the very first time I met him I sensed something but dismissed it a couple of times.
Well well well, last night I was to go up to an observatory with a group of people and apparently he showed up too---remember that I bowed out 'cuz my throat was all tweaky. Well, Jen sends me this text message to my phone this morning:
So, apparently last night _____ showed up all cleaned up, nice clothes. COLOGNE. General consensus is he was expecting YOU. Want me to hook you up? =)Uhh... uh... um... err...
I wrote back to Jen saying that no she shouldn't hook me up because I don't want to force anything to happen between him and me. We get along pretty good, he's a nice guy (from what I can tell), a fellow nerd who likes Palm Pilots and Perl, and knows what anime is. Could I see myself with him? Sure. But I have reservations about it. Just as I said I sensed something about him a year ago, there is something else I feel---a slight incompatibility in the directions of our lives. That would be a baaaaaaad thing in a long-term relationship. So, I'm just going to let the current friendship go whichever way it goes. I'm not going to be asked to be put in a private situation where I can really get to know him better.
Besides, relating back to the topic of SRS above, what is he going to think next year when I have to come out to him? Unless he's figured it out then he doesn't know I'm TS. (Keep in mind that even though I don't plan to be stealth, I really don't like having to come out to people that "oh, I was once a guy".) If he and I are close then there's no way that I can keep my SRS from him. I don't know what his reaction is going to be.
Sigh.
Guys.
...
One interesting thing about all this I'm realizing is it confirms something for me: I wouldn't mind being with a guy as a mate. I just don't really feel any sexual attraction towards women anymore. Even before, I sorta forced myself to be sexually attracted towards girls. This isn't hormones mucking with my head. Really I've always wanted to be caressed and held by guys. To walk hand in hand, arm in arm. To be in that comfortable place where you can just fall asleep on his shoulder and feel safe and warm. I think I can finally admit this. And it feels right.
...
Got called into work today because our codebase was breaking. Great. Just another thing to an already crappy day. So here I am in the mid-afternoon back at work with my proj mgr debugging and recoding. Geesh!
Actually it was a really good thing because it made me get up and go to my car. I had left a can of Sprite in the front cupholders and today was a moderately warm day. When I stepped into the car I noticed its sides were bulging and was about ready to burst. When I got to work I put its bloated aluminum carcass in the fridge to try to cool it down before I open it up to relieve the pressure.
...
Can u believe "Freddy Vs. Jason" pulled in $36.4 million?! I thought this was such a joke after seeing the trailers but no it actually drew quite a bit of a crowd. But would you look at Pirates of the Caribbean? $247,900,000 in 6 weeks. Not bad at all.
Instead of visiting the movies today as well, Steve and I hit a video store. Got Cradle 2 The Grave with Jet Li, DMX, and Kelly Hu. I usually have pretty low expectations for these Hollywoodized kung fu flicks. But, I liked this one quite a bit. The fight scenes were fairly standard except with a little bit more flair to them. I didn't yawn once through it---a good sign.
Monday, 2003.08.18:
What's this? Amber's watching TV?! No way! (Yes, way!)
Work kicked my butt today. I was in the office from about 9:30a to a little after 8:30p. We had this rollout of our software and found out the database was just going crazy. So there were two of our development teams there munching on pizza sitting around one of our large conference room tables. And we stayed in that room for many hours. No, we weren't there all day, but it sure felt like an eternity. So when I packed up to go home my brain was totally zonked.
If you've known me for a long time you know I almost never watch TV. Besides the point that I haven't had decent TV reception in over 5 years, I just fell out of the habit of watching TV because I always had something else to do. But tonight I was ready for either sleep or some serious vegging. I popped in a tape that Ursula and I have been using to record stuff ('cuz we're not Tivo-enabled yet we have to use the VCR). Then the couch cushions called to me. I heeded their call.
First up was The West Wing: Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc. (I missed the pilot. Ugh!) That was followed by the Thursday and Friday Tonight Show with the "Queer Eye for the Tonight Show Guy" episodes. Funny! And, yes, I got to see Jay twirl his meat. Tomorrow night is the Shania concert and later on another Queer Eye. Man. I actually am looking forward to TV. Scary.
So this weekend went totally differently than I was expecting and as a result I didn't really get any of my research done. I wanted to read up on the motor oil used for my car as well as which SRS surgeon I'm going to use. I think I know who but I want to check around a little. And then there's this web site. I have a couple of things I really want to do for it but I never have the time to give to it. And tonight I'm already out of energy. I might as well go to bed so I can get up at 7:15a and do my morning DDR.
On the way to bed I caught myself in the reflection of one of our large house windows. It hit me then: gawrsh I'm like a pencil. I'm not just talking about my usual complaint that I have no hips, but I mean I'm just fairly thin. I don't know why this hasn't hit me before because it's not like my body has changed all that much even after HRT for over a year. Maybe now I can see why my parents were always complaining about me not eating enough. Funny thing is I actually eat quite a bit. Today I took down a whole lunch then several slices of pizza for dinner. Right now I just finished chugging down a can of soup. I think maybe one of the reasons why I tend not to have a lot of excess weight is because I don't snack. Partly it's because I hate getting food on my keyboard and partly it's because I get distracted enough that I don't think about food until later. Besides, with a can of Mountain Dew I can go for hours without a break. (I think I can hear my doctor scream in the distance.)
What else is on my mind? Earrings. I'm still in search of some studs I can start using. I've thought about getting the usual little gold balls and maybe a small stone or something. I haven't had much problem with my ears so far. They've been virtually painless after the first week and now it's easier to put the studs back in after I clean them each night.
Oh and my car. I'm still miffed about that one. New car. Two places of rock damage. I think I should patch my window to keep the crack from spreading. It's just really hard to call around for estimates when you have no voice. The text-to-speech thing is OK for meetings but terrible for the phone.
Sometimes with all the turmoil and inconveniences I wonder if this life is a test. Though I'd rather not be tested at this time.
Tuesday, 2003.08.19:
Actually got a fairly long contiguous block of sleep. I went to bed after having had a can of soup but didn't add as much water as recommended so it ended up being fairly salty. (Of course, salt helps retain water.) So at the time I hit the sheets I slightly thirsty. Maybe the salt helps counteract the diuretic effect of spironolactone? But hopefully it doesn't mitigate the antiandrogen effects of spironolactone---hopefully it still binds with testosterone and blocks the testosterone receptors.
...
You know what's the difference between our two cats, big G and little D? Uh, about 15 tummy-crushing pounds. When G walks over my stomach as I'm just lying on the couch I can feel those paws just dig into my ribs, my tummy, my legs. So I was cruising the web a few minutes ago and D walked over me. I braced myself for the pressure but no sooner than I tensed she was over me and it felt like nothing. I can't believe the difference between the cats.
Wednesday, 2003.08.20:
Ran around the Web this morn to try to find transcripts of Davis' speech last night. Couldn't find the whole thing but found some excerpts. Maybe someone will post the whole thing soon.
Related to this, I went looking for how to find out how to get an absentee ballot. My life is so topsy turvy I don't know if I'm going to be able to physically be there at the polls on October 7. The option is open to us---why not use it?
Another day of being mute. Another day of memo pads and sticky notes. Another day of being left out of conversations. Another day of being trapped in my own body. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
...
Later I went to get my hair cut. The last time I did this was back in May and it was cut so that when I tied it back in a tail you couldn't really tell that it was styled. (Well, that was the idea, remember?) This time it was pretty much no holds barred.
Now I have long bangs and multiple layers. And I'm
pretty much mandated to use styling gel lest I want to turn
into a total fuzzball. Heh.So, curious what did I got? Well I wanted something shorter. I'm burning up being hot all the time under my huge shag. The hair guy listened to what I wanted and said he could probably do something with layers, long bangs, and in a way that wouldn't require a lot of maintenance. So if I want to let it air dry I can and it'll poof only a little. If I blow dry and add some gel then I can add a little body to it. It should be interesting.
I still remember when I got that other haircut in May. It was the day before I got my driver's license picture taken and I was feeling pretty good when I left the salon. The next morning was unadulterated disaster! Since the last time I had layers it was when I had boyish hair I didn't get all poofy and stringy. Well, having long hair and layers means that when I unknowingly dried my hair I turned into the huge ball of fuzz. (Reminds me of this one Garfield cartoon where he got blown in the clothes drier.) Thanks to Jen and Ursula they managed to push my hair around so it wasn't completely hideous.
I think we're getting closer to something I like and can actually manage. I'm still kinda bored with the color of it and so the next time I go in I may try to add a little subtle highlighting and stuff. I like the color of my as is, though. It's this dark brown almost black. But when you get it in the right sunlight it shines golden. It used to be darker and then after years and years of swimming I noticed it just got lighter. And it's been like that since.
Had gumbo and jambalaya for dinner. Both were spicy. Both had like the kitchen sink thrown into them. And I came to this realization: gumbo is basically jambalaya with soup.
Thursday, 2003.08.21:
Went into the mailroom today to see if I had anything. I usually check two mail slots because they had my old name and my new name as two different people. Well, I just noticed that they finally removed my old name. For a minute there it reminded me of Back to the Future where people were being erased from existence. Where once was my old name is now a blank white piece of paper.
The hair is much more manageable now. Dries faster, feels lighter, curls easier, etc. But, I really couldn't lock in the curl the way that I wanted to. I think this is because it takes me so long to do one side of my hair that the other side is too dry by the time I get to it. I need to learn to work faster so my damp hair doesn't go dry. Oh, and I got to play with the bangs to them to go where I want them---I gave up today and just combed them to the side then froze them with hairspray.
I like the way that it frames my face better. Though I know there's people who might disagree, I still think I have way too may masculine cues hanging around. (Thank goodness I got rid of that Adam's apple because that was really bugging me.) I don't like the angle of my jaw, the bulbous-ness of my nose (or its width), nor the very slight ridge over my eye sockets. As said upmteen times before, it's not so bad that I don't pass as female. It's just that I don't look as good or as cute as I think I could/should be. And I still will take any edge that I can get in order to pass better. Call me paranoid.
So in addition to SRS I'm strongly considering rhinoplasty. I want to some more research on what are the plusses and minuses. I'm not so sure about jaw work for two reasons: I think it's very invasive any time you alter your bone structure, and I have seen enough Asian women with similar features that I know that is not a problem. But, back to the nose, I was looking at a family photo last night where my Dad, Mom, brother, and I were grinning away. I looked at my Mom's nose is wider and more bulbous than mine. Apparently I got a hybrid of Mom's nubby tip and Dad's straight bridge. So that makes me feel better---I'm actually par for the course in our family. It doesn't mean that makes me like my nose any better, but it's just a factoid, you know?
I wonder when is enough enough with transition and I've come to a conclusion. I think that once you get to a point where you can function in society then everything else is icing on the cake. It's no longer critical to get the invasive surgeries where they really move things around. And yet there's an issue of vanity. I think that none of us should settle for mediocre when we know we can do better. And if something is within practical reach then why not go for it?
I don't think I really concentrate on vanity most of the time---I'm a wash 'n go girl. But there are certain "levels", if you will, of beauty in my mind. So thinking about the SRS, that's a necessity if I want a normal life. I thought the Adam's apple chopping was also a necessity. Jaw tapering is certainly not. Neither is brow ridge contouring. And both of the latter require chopping or grinding bones. The nose job issue I think is a minor thing and yet may have a strong impact on the balance of my facial features. And it's not that expensive nor that invasive, as far as I'm concerned. Plus, it may have the benefit of correcting my enlarged turbinates. As one site notes:
... the turbinates, three or sometimes four bony shelves covered by erectile mucosa, project from the lateral wall of the nose. ... They constantly engorge or shrink to accommodate changing physiologic requirements. They are also the chief structures involved in pathologic obstruction.
-- http://www.bcm.tmc.edu/oto/studs/anat/nose.html
Just checked Pixel USA for computer supplies. My motherboard is still about the same price as when I bought it: $138. Funny. I guess people really liked it.
Friday, 2003.08.22:
Did a little bit better of a job on the hair this morning. (I think it still may be a bit on the long side, but as mentioned before I think I like it more.) Got it to curl in the way I wanted to and had a little bit of body in it. My thin hair maintains style for, oh, about half a day before going blech. Maybe through experimentation I'll be able to get it to go where I want to.
What I think made the difference this morning were three things: I kept my hair wet before starting (previously it was drying out too fast even in air); I got an extension cord for my dryer (so I wouldn't have to fight with that short cord it comes with); and I worked a lot faster. I think the biggest enemy of mine is speed. When I work slowly I'm more exact but the hair dries out too quickly and then is pretty much unmanageable.
Bummer about the car windshield. Jen was very nice to help call around for me---she and I were on IM, and the places we were calling I conference called together. It looks like it will be about $50 plus tax to fix the divots in it, but the place I went to yesterday said that the crack was too small, "too tight". So I have to wait until it enlarges if at all. At least now I know where to go and what to do and when to do it.
What's funny about me going there yesterday was that I went there scribbling away on my memo pad and everyone would assume I'm deaf. Like the guy that did the windshield examination looked at me, talked really slowly, enunciated a lot, and even started doing hand gestures. I was amused but it was clear that this conversation was going to take a lot longer. So I scrawled on the pad:
i can't talk bec. i have laryngitisAnd the guy was like, "oh, you speak English perfectly! Well then..." and then he proceeded to ramble on at breakneck speed.
This experience was later repeated when I went to a department
store and I scribbled stuff down to ask the sales rep some
questions. She then does this really slow head-nodding
exaggerated-enunciation thing while saying:I'm sorry! But. we. have. no. more. of. those. vi-de-os. We. are. all. out.I liked the way she had drawled "videos" as if making it longer somehow improved my lip-reading ability. (Which I have none, btw.) Ugh. I really hope I can lift the ban on voice rest next Tuesday.
Why can't it be like in Toy Story 2 in that scene from "Woody's Roundup" where the forest animals come running to Woody, communicate with just a squeak, and Woody replies:
What's that? Jessie and Prospector are trapped in the old abandoned mine and Prospector just lit a stick of dynamite thinking it was a candle and now they're about to be blown to smithereens!?Ooo...got the Chicago DVD last night. I think I'll put it on as background noise right now.
Trying to work from home has some good advantages, but in my situation sucks. The three cats are always rubbing up against me and my laptop, copying files over VPN is so slow, and you don't have the ability to just walk over to someone and start a conversation.
Throat is getting better. Less coughing, dryer feeling, I don't feel the swelling of the chords as much. It's funny, through this recent experience I think I figured out where the muscles are that control the vocal folds.
Oh, here's something to go and have fun with: http://www.engrish.com. Heheheh... Anyone hungry for flied lice?
Finally got my car insurance cards in the mail. Yay! So now there is absolutely nothing in my car that has my old name. And in my wallet there is only 1 thing that has my old name and that is a letter from my therapist, neatly folded into 1/6ths.
One thing that I've noticed about myself is that in public I just am not very fluid. My actions, my words, my posture, etc. I know this is an adjustment period, but there's something that's just "off" about the whole situation and I can't really put my finger on it. I suppose it'll just happen one day but I'd like to know when rather than "one day".
In other news, wrote my first check using my name today. Yay! Another small milestone in a series of many...
Saturday, 2003.08.23:
Well, yesterday certainly turned out to be unpredictable. I was going to join the guys on-line for another battle in NWN but there was a little buzz amongst some other friends about going out somewhere for dinner and stuff. Given that I had spent the entire day staring at my computer the idea of physically going out was more tantalizing than whacking virtual ogres. It turned out to be Jen, Ryan, and myself. We found ourselves in a large pool hall. I didn't handle my stick as well as I should.
Now the more interesting part of the evening came after that. Jen and I ended up at a bar trying to catch someone else who said they might be there. The other guy never materialized, but three new guys did. One of them apparently was trying to pick up on these two girls seated next to us. He must have caught Jen and I snickering at each other because he came over to us and said, "hey, it takes a lot of courage!"
That was the start of a conversation that lasted a little while. Jen talked, I scribbled my part of the conversation on yellow sticky notes, and our newly-found friend humored us. Near the end the guy's two other friends came over and so there was Jen, myself, and three guys just chatting and stuff. It was cute the way one of the guys begged Jen for her number; instead we got him to write down his info. It was funny 'cuz the guy was going to give Jen his business card but didn't have it. So I made out this form on my yellow stickies like:
Name: ________________The guy put down his info and then proceeded to add to the form his height, weight, hair color, and eye color. All that was missing was his SSN and date of birth and we'd have a nice file on him.
Address: ________________
Telephone number: _______________
So, Jen and I would like to introduce to you a new concept of dating we'll call the Yellow Sticky Note Dating Solution. It's a great icebreaker and is cheap to do. Just grab a pack of yellow stickies and pretend you have laryngitis. Some guy approaches you and you can scribble out a cute note for him, draw pictures, or create a form so you can get his name, address, and telephone number.
...
As I was talking to a friend on IM there was this spider that scuttled across my wall and then proceeded to part itself right over me and my computer. So I watched it with eagle-eye and a shoe waiting nearby to initiate a strike if need be. I tried using my Jedi powers to influence it to walk away but apparently I'm rusty. The little thing resisted me.
Sunday, 2003.08.24:
Jen and I went hop, skipping, and revving down the coastline today. Beautiful weather, windows down, music up loud, the hum of the engine, and the endless expanse of blue water alongside us. We joined up with a few other folks and had a lazy day at one of their houses. We talked (well, I'm still using yellow stickies), watched a squirrel run around the backyard, played on a grand piano, and had dinner on the edge of the bay. A couple of us got grilled and blackened fish, sauteéd shrooms, and Jen fought with some king crab---good thing the taste was worth all that effort! Then it was back to home bouncing back the same way we came, still blasting music and "singing" along to it. (More like Jen sang and I did Milli Vanilli.) A fun laid-back day devoid of responsibility and time schedules.
Monday, 2003.08.25:
Stupid bangs do not want to go where I want them. I've got it so the bangs sort of sweep up in an arc over my forehead. Except today they decided to all clump together into a single spike. Yuck! So I went back and separated the mass into strands and then futzed with them some more. I eventually gave up because I was late to work. Now I'm at my desk constantly sweeping and blowing the bangs back up into position. Ugh, hair.
...
Now that was an interesting dinner. The total number of people sort of fluctuated but we ended up with four of us a table. It was this medium-sized café which served dishes influenced from around the world. I can't remember really what the others had but mine ended up being ahi tuna which had been wrapped in sushi seaweed with a tangy black sauce that had a hint of wasabi mixed in. It was good and strange at the same time. It was definitely fish but with the tight seaweed around it the consistency was thick.
...
My Mom finally wrote back! I had sent them an e-mail a few days back wondering what's up with them and tonight when I logged in I saw the "1 new e-mail message" note. I clicked over and I just smiled reading it. It wasn't anything ground-breaking---never is really. But at least it means Mom and I are still on speaking terms. As for Dad, well, I'm still working on him bit by bit.
One of the reasons why the response had been delayed was that my parents just came back from visiting with their brothers and sisters oh-so-many miles away. Mom did manage to sneak in a little bit of guilt into the letter:
Everyone asked about you and <Brother> and wanted to know what you folks were up to. <Cousin> really missed seeing you when she was down here in July. In fact, I was at a workshop last Friday at <middle school> and <guidance counselor> was asking about you. She remembers you well and wanted to know what you were doing.What I find scary is that the guidance counselor remembers me. Eek! I mean, I barely remember her---she probably remembers me because my Mom used to talk to her. Actually, same story with my high school. Mom really isn't that social of a person but apparently she does get around.
Tuesday, 2003.08.26:
A colleague showed me the Star Wars Kid videos site. I know it is fun at someone else's expense, but still many were entertaining. I liked the Matrix ones and the Lord of the Onion Rings parody.
Wednesday, 2003.08.27:
When one of my colleagues kept saying "putting it on the long finger", I had no idea what it meant until I just looked it up. It's Irish. Funny, she's Irish too.
Also found another definition for "rabbit": talk a lot.
Hmm...should I change the Ramblings section to Rabbitings?
Naw, that's lame. But I have been thinking about changing
the name of this site.Gah. Throat went all itchy today retriggering that oh-so-familiar gag reflex. I hate the healing process.
Today was the first real day of me being voice-enabled again and it's tough. It feels easier to make sound and yet the quality is not even close to being there. And I totally lose my ability to talk after 10-minute stretches. I know, I need to take it slow. I am trying to keep it low-key, easy, soft. We are easing back into it.
...
Well, tonight was supposedly one of the best nights to see Mars' closet approach. Steve and I found ourselves at a small observatory waiting to see this celestial ornament but when we got there the bad news was already beginning. A long stream of cars was steadily funneling into the parking lot below the site. And after we parked and walked uphill we joined a line that went up and around a bend. I walked following that line to the top which ended up going for quite a ways. There were already hundreds of people there and the line after us kept growing. At the top I found out by overhearing other conversations from some of the other telescope operators that the fog was rolling in and it would be next to impossible to get a viewing tonight. So I trodded back down the hill, told Steve the bad news and we got back in the car to get out of the lot. That took us like 15 minutes because there were dozens of cars exiting the lot at the same time dozens of unaware new cars were trying to get in. It was serious stop and go traffic. One thing is for sure: the parking lot self serve ticket dispenser got a lot of people to cough up fee money.
We ended up driving back towards home where we tried stopping by another college's observatory. Too bad that these guys were closed because they actually had a perfect view of Mars! (This second site was quite a ways away from the other hence the different viewing angle.) So Steve and I mulled around campus for a few minutes before heading out. The only thing that went right tonight was I got my white chocolate mocha from Starbucks. I consider it a consolation prize.
Thursday, 2003.08.28:
There's nothing quite like getting your lunch partially over your clean khaki skirt. I knew I should not have topped my enchiladas with hot sauces, sour cream, and guacamole, but the taste centers of my brain overruled logic. Fortunately the damage wasn't that bad and I had a double layer of napkins to protect most of it. So, it could certainly have been worse.
Speaking of clean, man, my car looks so much better cleaned. (Duh.) I have to go and buy carwash stuff because I ended up just borrowing Steve's.
Friday, 2003.08.29:
Today's day at work was just plain frustrating. It's weird. It's like everyone expects all the tasks to be easy. They tell us, "hey, we need you to do XYZ and we're giving you 15 days to do it." You have to remember that they have no idea what the actual complexity of the task is and so they believe us engineers can do it even thought they have little grounding for the task. Even after a few meetings I'm doubtful I'll make it in 15 days now.
Another thing that happened really late today put me in a foul mood. How do I put this? One of the people I've known for a while has been paying a lot of attention to me. I would normally say this is a good thing but ever since I did the transition thing this person has been throwing romantic attention my way. Now, if I wanted to have a relationship then this would be more than OK. But I don't. And the person won't get the hint. And I don't know what exactly to do about it. Because I like the person's company once in a while, but I do not like this new sort of attention that is going along with it. Dilemmas.
Saturday, 2003.08.30:
This has been a year of a lot of firsts in my life. This is the first time I've ever had laryngitis. The first time my parents and I have not talked in a while. First time I've seen a sunset with my own eyes. First time I've driven a manual transmission on a regular basis---first time I've ground gears too.
First time I've really been in a bar.
First time to get my ears pierced.
And first time I've taken a trip by myself.That's right. I'm sitting here typing on my laptop with a hotel towel wrapped around my lower half. Why I'm wearing a towel is actually because I ungracefully dumped one spoonful of clam chowder on my shorts. Ugh. So I washed out the shorts and now they're drying over the air conditioner.
And why I'm using a hotel towel is because I ran away today for a
while. I just had to fly away for a while.Late last night when the whole romantic attention crap was bugging me I casually said something about maybe I'll just drive somewhere today. This morning I woke up and was still in a funk and so I browsed the Internet for a while then made a phone call. A few minutes later I had the confirmation number for my room in a small town about 225 miles away from my home. I've never been here and I probably wouldn't want to live here. But it's home for the next 10 hours.
I just needed time to think. And so I packed up a quick stash of overnighter stuff and onto the road I went. This morning was a horrendous start where tons of things went wrong. But I eventually got enough things together and I was on the road by about 2:00p.
I took the long way to get up here. I snaked through our suburbia until I hit the foothills and then it was onto a small winding highway. I love my lil' car! It just hugged every hairpin turn up and over the hill and didn't even complain. Of course when I ground gears because I missed going from 1st to 2nd that didn't sound good---actually I cringed knowing there is now some damage to the transmission. (But it's a learning experience, albeit a costly one.) And I was savoring the mountain air, the towering trees, and the few rays of sunlight flitting through cracks in the tree cover. The pine-lined zigzagging roadway gave way to dry golden rolling hills with horses casting a curious gaze as I zipped by.
The road T-stopped into the coastal highway and I aimed the car northward. This time the ups and downs were over rocky cliffs and sandy bluffs. The sky turned cold gray and a cool breeze filtered in through the open moonroof. I stopped once to take a picture of the highway as it ringed a small cove that had a beach and lots of levels of waves falling one atop another. After a while longer the highway turned into a freeway and I found myself back in the dense urban neighborhoods of The City.
I stopped by a mall to do one last bathroom check but ended up browsing a bookstore. Good thing too. I picked up a coastal sightseeing guide and a couple of CDs: Jason Mraz (on sale) and something from DJ Tiesto. You know, the Mraz album isn't all that bad. I still bought it for the Remedy song, but the rest of it is, well, I dunno how to classify it ... Maybe "new country rap"? And I only got around to listening to the first Tiesto CD (of the two that came in the case) and it was so-so. This was the music that would break the silence for the rest of today's journey. So I snaked back through the mass of cars on the roadway and left the city by its bridge.
Beyond the bridge the highway led north. I debated pulling off to a side road that would have led me up to a mountain that I could have done a little walking, but I looked at the time and it was already 5:30p. Oops. Since I had to check in before 9:00p and I didn't know how long it would take to drive the remaining 130-or-so miles I decided not to risk it. So I headed straight for my hotel taking the direct route as well. I think that was the right thing to do because I'd hate to not have a place to stay so far away from home. I figured that if I had hit traffic or if the freeway turned into a slow two-lane highway that it would take a lot longer to travel the distance. Fortunately most of it was a two-lane freeway.
I must have booked it (well, I know I did) because I got there in more than plenty of time. I was able to check in, unwind for a couple of minutes, drive around the downtown area, have dinner at a local brewery (some flemmish pot roast), then make it back to my room all before 9:00p. After I brought up my night stuff I threw open my maps and guidebooks and plotted tomorrow's legs of the journey. If I time it right I should be awake by 8:00a and home by 10:00p.
...
So I did all of this so I could just get away to think, right? And what did I think of? Well, I'll say that I'm just really disappointed on a lot of fronts. Not all of this has to do with transition, btw.
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I'm really unhappy with my voice. I know you've heard me wail on and on
about this for months (since February?) but it's tough when you are
vocally-disabled. When I do make sound these days it's so sub-par I
just cringe. If there was one thing that I think would get me clocked
I think it would be this. I don't know if it was the surgery in February
that caused this---it may have done damage but I'm not so sure that it
is the primary culprit. Regardless I now consider myself in the disabled
category. I've never really had a large failure like this so it's hard
to deal with it emotionally.
Surprisingly enough one of the key things missing from my voice is the ability to laugh. I mean, giving a good belly laugh is a key element of my personality and not being able to do it does a couple of things: it makes me feel self conscious, and also I think it brings the mood of people down around me because they don't think I enjoyed the funny as much as they do---I do, I just can't express it! - My friends have been there through the transition period but I really would have hoped for more. When any of my friends get sick or are in trouble I think I always try to extend the helping hand and check back every once in a while to see if there is anything I can keep doing to help. In this case, however, it's like no one has offered to check back. I have to give people props in the beginning though: many did come forward and it was cool. But after that it has been sort of blech response. I was in a depressive mood earlier this year and people just seemed to pass it off as "oh, he's just different now". Maybe I'm asking too much. I know they don't read minds. At the same time I hate having to broadcast my feelings all the time.
- Unwanted romantic advances are getting annoying. It sucks. You remember the line in When Harry Met Sally where Harry tells her that guys and girls can't just be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way? Yeah, it does. I think now that most normal guys think about sex at least half of the time. (Funny, I rarely did. Low testosterone, you think?)
- My hair doesn't cooperate the way I wish it would. It's not bad at all, just there is something still funky about it I don't like about it. And in the morning it takes me about 15 minutes to fuss with it to impart any sort of style into it. And, given the weather, it lasts anywhere between 4 hours to 9 hours. I can put all sorts of curl in it and it will just unroll itself. Argh. Asian hair. Rephrase: thin Asian hair. The good news is that when I just let it air-dry and brush it a couple of times the end result isn't too bad. It just looks a lot better with product in it.
- Work is getting on my nerves. The project is moving but it's disorganized and the quality is shoddy. I'm surprised this thing even works somedays. The code is decentralized, messy, and inconsistent. Woe the next person that works with it. And, I'm partly responsible for the mess. After some point I gave up on trying to be neat and well-documented because no one else seemed to care. Oh well, saves me a lot of time.
- I don't feel fluid in public. There is just something about me being in public where I'm not relaxed at all. I find myself more often than not on the edge of my seat or muscles all tensed up. And I don't know why. I really don't. I think I pass in public just fine and so you would think I'd be comfortable. Bzzzzt! There's just something lacking. I do know that I'm still getting used to my body as it seems to still be changing on a daily basis.
- I feel that my friendships have waned. In the past couple of years my efforts to get my life through transition and back on track have been so very time consuming. And now that my interests are also changing I feel like I'm losing those close relationships. To further complicate things, I don't feel I'm bonding as closely with other women as I could be---primarily because of that whole fluidity issue above. I'm clinging to the few new people that I've met and trying to rescue relationships from those that I know. It's not working very well though. I hate being alone.
- I'm tired of transitioning stuff. I still have the court ordered name change, passport, and SRS to contend with. I'm also to the point where I can put my past behind me, but it's still at least 1.5 years away.
- I'm uncertain about my career future. I'm very unsure about my future in general, but in terms of my career I want to change jobs. I want to either do new product development or become a team leader. Both these things are impossible right now in the current situation I am in. Transfers are out of the question and we already have team leaders in place. You would think then that I should be looking for a new job, but I like where I am (in general) and I think it would be in very poor taste for me to leave my colleagues who have given me so much in return. (In general.) Plus, I still have SRS to get done with and this current job would provide maximum flexibility, I know. As long as I don't go insane and new opportunities arise eventually I think I'll be OK.
- When I'm around good-looking girls I feel pressured to perform to a higher level. I could not have predicted this one but it's just that I find myself feeling not good enough. I know it's in my head, but partially it's not. When people dress up a little you don't want to look too out of place right? That implies a whole bunch of things about the amount of effort it takes to make things look good to.
- Friends are not helping to maintain our relationships. Maybe it is just my perception but it just doesn't feel like people are proactively keeping the group together. And that just makes me feel left out.
- There are still too many transition things on my mind right now. I just feel that even though I'm getting close to declaring victory over this process of change, there are still a few remaining steps.
Sunday, 2003.08.31:
This second day of my escapade continued at 8:00a bright and early. I set my alarm to go off but spiro got me moving long before the alarm sounded. But I took my sweet time getting ready and by 9:00a I was out the door. A few minutes north of the hotel I found my gas and a curious sign saying "Krispy Kreme delivered fresh daily". Huh? We're out in the middle of nowhere and I can get Krispy out here?! So I asked the attendant what's up with that and he told me it's trucked in every morning from a larger town about 160 miles away or so. What I just found funny was that I may not be able to get a good bagel out here but I can find Krispy Kreme and Chinese food. Who would have guessed?
Found a lake a little bit farther up and decided to check it out. I zoomed up and around to the parking lot. There was a path which I took down to some picnic grounds and then the path continued off down the side of the hill. I got to the bottom and saw more picnic grounds and a great view of the loading docks. Actually, I found a few places that I could probably just sit by myself without many distractions. Ah, I'll have to remember this.
Then I decided to cut towards the coast. But instead of using the freeway system (which would have gotten me there in about 20 minutes) I decided to take the windy road. Oh. My. Goodness. It was awesome! It was this two-lane road that wound in and out of the trees and mountains. Me and this Geo were careening up and over the pathway. We got stuck behind slow traffic a few times but they usually pulled over and we happily zipped by. I got a real good feeling of my car's handling and got much more practice up/downshifting rapidly.
When I got to the coast I headed into town and there were a few people milling about the streets. It is a small town and pretty old. So I ditched the car then popped into a number of stores there. Found a couple tchotchkes and the credit card got a little work. Found some really neato $550 earrings---which I'll remind myself to get one day when I'm rich.
The most interesting thing I saw was in a small antiques shop:
some music for a play, "Ma!" (by Sidney Claire, Con Conrad?) that had
what looked to be a blackface actor on the cover.Did a slow trip down the coastal highway to the next southward town. Real small place. But cool. No hotels to speak of really, but plenty of small places like bed and breakfast inns. Walked around again, shopping and taking in the salty air. Found some places that made my shoes completely dirty but it was worth the little hike. I eventually made my way back up to a cafe and had a most delicious lunch. It was some pasta with rock shrimp and this delectable sherry-tomato sauce. Ohhhhhh man, good! I savored that. Oh, they had this in the bathroom which I thought was funny:
Dear Guests: Welcome! So, being country, we do not have an all-powerful, all knowing, sophisticated sewer system.The part about frogs got me laughing.
What we do have is a very delicate (country) sewer system. Ok, this isn't "polite conversation", but it's necessary...
Please use a minimum of toilet paper and do not flush away other foreign objects...such as tampons, dental floss, kleenex, paper towels...
Other things that might clog it up are: small pumpkins, straw hats, green frogs, old movies on cassette, well, you know...stuff.
We thank you...
Had a really really slow trip back. Got stuck behind lots of slow cars and the weather turned gray pretty quick. So I decided to get off the coastal highway and back onto a more central route in the inlands. Well, the problem is that the nearest highway that would cross over from the coast to the inland took about an hour and a half to get to! So I had a lot of time to think about stuff and I got stuck behind many slow movers. I eventually got back to the other highways and headed straight for home.
I thought about dropping by a park and watching the sun set but it took me so long to get back to the inland highways that I just decided to skip. There will be plenty of other times for that. So I reentered the congestion of our freeway system and got home at last around 9:00p. Long day!
Back in the land of ho hum, Jen sent a text message to my phone as I was finishing up my Mac 'n Cheese meal---which wasn't as creamy as I wanted it to be because we ran out of milk. I was feeling so-so, so she and I went for a little drive. Talked about life and stuff. Relationships and friendships. Pasts and futures.
Finally got back, updated my copy of Renoise and messed around with that all night. Until 2:00a. When I should have been in bed.
...
On my adventures found some more Holly Yashi earrings. The first time I saw them I was just drawn to them but really couldn't say why. That was a month or two ago when I was in San Francisco. This time as I browsed the jewelry displays the sheen of the jewelry caught my eye again and as soon as I saw the words "Holly Yashi" I was thinking, "cool! I can get some more." They say they use niobium and I think it just looks cool the way they put the stuff together. The other stuff I got was by Boma.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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