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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Monday, 2003.09.01:
Jen called me in the morn while I was all groggy and on 3 hours sleep---I had gone to bed the night before at 6a. She had this quiet teary manner about her voice and I just was like, "I can't stay in bed with her like that." So I muttered something that sounded like "hey, do you want me to come over." She said no no and I kept thinking that it would be stupid of me to ignore something like this no matter how tired I was. So I took a blazingly fast shower just to wash yesterday's dirt off and punched in her number on the phone while I was still dripping: "I'm coming over in 15 minutes unless you absolutely tell me not to." She didn't tell me not to. I was out the door a couple minutes later.
...
We didn't do anything at all really. Just hung out. Talked. Lunched a little. Talked. Watched TV. Talked. Did dinner including Sarah and Andy. Then we sort of parted ways. I probably would have stuck around if not for the fact I was losing consciousness. So I bid them farewell and I crashed in my own bed...
Ka-thump.
Tuesday, 2003.09.02:
Changed earrings for the first time! Another small stud thing though. It was all silver and the end of it has joined blue and green stones. I really need to get a jewelry box! I have these little white cardboard boxes for all my earrings that are accumulating by my bedside. Every time I want to use something I have to pop them open, remove the cotton packing, and dig amongst the other pairs of earrings there.
Later on talked to my roomie about periods. Just sort like what they feel like, what you do for them, how long they really last and stuff like that.
Wednesday, 2003.09.03:
Sat in a meeting today and met another woman for the first time. The word that sums up our short encounter: envy. You meet someone that (at least physically) embodies traits that you wish you had. Small demure features yet not weak. Athletic but not overbuilt. Oh, I dream on. Will I get there? Realistically no. When I criticize myself I realize that I'm not far off the curve of natal females my height/age but there are enough things that make me sorta depressed.
Friday, 2003.09.05:
Got a chance to give Babs (my lil' car) a bath. It's about time. She needed it quite badly. Meguiar's shampoo, two washings, and a synthetic chamois gave her back her shine. Ah... Good girl...
Was out for dinner and we somehow got to talking about how police are out to get you if you match a profile. There was this one time I got pulled over late at night just after I entered onto a freeway. The cop tells me that I "failed to signal". The stupid thing about this was the turn in question: I had stopped at a signal and turned when the signal went green. But the cop was obviously looking for an excuse to talk to me---he said that any time you change direction even on a protected left turn you need to signal. Bogus, man! Anyways, so after explaining why he pulled me over he then flashes a clipboard at me and asks if I had seen the individual depicted on the poster attached to the board. I said no, he said ok then, and for me to move on. That was 2 years ago way before I came out to most people and was still in Boy Mode.
So at dinner I'm retelling this story and one of the guys was saying how I might match a profile or something. I thought about how I could answer that and then it hit me. I just gave him this look and said, "well first off they were looking for a guy". Right?
You also have to understand that I drove a really girly white
sedan at the time too. So I added,
"besides, what self-respecting guy
would be caught driving my white sedan?"
I thought that was kinda clever. And you know what? All of this
was true---I just happened to omit the part that I was living
as a guy at that time...
Saturday, 2003.09.06:
There was a street fair in town and went to it on Jen's suggestion. I mean it was huge. We walked the I don't know how many blocks to one end and on the way saw all sorts of neato stuff. She and I snagged a few pairs of earrings and ogled at intricate leatherwork. And then we came upon this booth with ... jewelry chests. Cool! Jen's been raving about these people for quite a while and here they were. All sorts of sizes ranging from moderately expensive to quite expensive. But somewhere in the mix was this two-level box with a couple of trays in it. The dozens of nooks looked just about perfect for what I wanted. I still want something with drawers like my Mom's, but otherwise it had a solid feel and nice finish. So minutes later it was mine. Now it's parked next to my bed.
...
Let me tell you about the scariest thing that I have done with my car yet: parked at an Asian mall. It took me a while to find a space in this crowded zone, especially one that wasn't with badly parked cars on each side. OK, I'm Asian and I really had perpetuating stereotypes but will these people learn how to drive?! O.M.G. After parking I waited at the side of the lot for my dinner buddies to arrive and in the 10 or so minutes of me waiting there I saw so much bad parking and cars going the wrong ways down one-way paths. Oh, no, but that isn't anything compared to what I saw next: a car had gone down the path in the wrong direction and there was opposing traffic. You would assume that the person would then just reverse all the way out. Nooooooooo... Instead she tries to do a frickin' U-turn. So for the next 5 minutes you see her drive forward and turn. Stop. Reverse and turn a little. Stop. Go forward. Stop. Reverse. Stop. etc... Absolutely pathetic. The other guys were starting to take bets on the chances of her hitting the parked cars.
...
Had a very unsatisfactory dinner. Not only did we wait 2 hours for a stupid table but the people weren't much company at all. Everyone was just talking about video games and stuff. Boring. It was about quests and stuff that I haven't gotten to and it became obvious that I wasn't meshing with this group anymore. I don't know what it is really. But I just don't "get" it anymore. We used to be a bit closer. Instead I felt like everyone was really aloof. I just wished the night would be over so I could get away from this crowd and meet up with Jen and Sarah. They had planned to head out to a bar or pool or something like that I had expressed interest in going. Dangit. I should have just bowed out of the evening early and gone with them. I would have had a much better time.
See, this is the problem with my old friends: I just feel that where they are going and where I'm going has totally diverged. It's not that we don't have things that we have in common, it's more the intensity of what we're doing is different. Take Will for example. He plays NWN almost every night for a few hours at a time. One of the other guys drinks I think. Another is busy with his new house and wife-to-be. It's all different you know?
And here I am wondering how do I fit in. If at all? What do I have to offer; what do they have to offer? Can we just sit around and pass the time? I know that ultimately it is my perception about this situation but it really feels like I've fallen out of touch with them and I can't get back in. In a way that's really sad because it feels some days like no one is extending a hand to help. Then again, it's not like I've really broadcast this need of mine. I don't know.
On the one hand I would like people to know, but on the other I realize that the gain of doing that isn't all that much. I mean, I like the guys no doubt. We've had a lot of good times together! I met them in college and there's a lot of memories there. But we're moving on. You know, getting married, moving into houses, changing jobs, and just kind of going our own ways. Still the threads of video games seem to remain, but I don't know if I'm all that interested in using that as a socialization mechanism in the present day. I like human contact. In-the-face flesh-to-flesh encounters. I'd rather spend a night at a club than in front of my computer now.
How times have changed. Or more to the point, how I have changed.
Sunday, 2003.09.07:
Real long day here. I'm actually glad I didn't go out the night previous because we spent all day at an amusement park. Now that I have meclizine hydrochloride (a.k.a. Dramamine) on my side I can conquer just about any ride.
(In the
past few years I've noticed I'm starting to get sick on
roller coasters and spin-type rides. Poo.)In the evening we saw Weird Al in concert! Man, that was fun! It was good entertainment and we all had a good time. I went with Chris, Sarah, and Andy. We laughed and sang along with Al TV and his costume changes. It was well worth it.
Tuesday, 2003.09.09:
Hehehehe... check out the:
Take the Jokku Gender Test!
You are elithik: you have been all sexes, male, female and neuter. You are currently male and were just female. You were born neuter.Somehow I find this just funny. But go read the explanation.
Your Jokku female gender score is : 31. Your Jokku neuter gender score is : 32. Your Jokku male gender score is : 38.
...
Ah, I found a reason why I get all depressed: the form of my face. Let's put it this way: I actually got sirred today. Yeah. I went out to get lunch and stood in line to order. When it was my turn I started to approach the counter but they have their sandwich-making stuff behind a bit of a bar atop the counter level so the only things that the sandwichmaker saw were my face and hair. She first said, "sir, may I help you? Oh! Ma'am!"
What can we learn about this? If I wear my fluffy jackets or sweatshirts then I look oddly androgynous---which is prolly why I used to get ma'amed way way back in the day. If I make it so that they only see my face and not hear my voice then I have a really good chance of being sirred. Hence my face then is andro/masculine enough to get sirred. Ew. *sigh*
...
Made my dinner and spaghetti was on the menu. Now I couldn't get that spaghetti jar lid off at all. I'm so weak now. But I wasn't going to give up. I tried heating the lid with hot water while keeping the jar cool but that didn't work. But a stroke of genius hit me as I spied a roll of duct tape. A few strips of duct tape applied to the edge of the jar actually makes a really good gripping handle. The lid just popped right off. Wow. I'm going to have to remember this trick for next time.
...
After dinner I took a deep breath and called my parents. My Dad answered. I did Girl Voice with him but answered with Guy Name. He was bothered by it at first (as usual) but we had a decent conversation after that. We talked about the video I saw about the Chinese immigration to America in the late 1800s and our possible trip to some places in the state---we had planned to do a father-son trip at some point but never got around it. If he can stand me then I'll gladly do a father-daughter trip.
Got to talk to my Mom
after that and she's all concerned about me losing my voice and
permanently damaging it. But beyond that we had a little chat
too. Both were in fairly good spirits. Maybe I'll see them
this weekend. I don't know. I still have to figure out how to
tone down what I wear to their place so I don't appear too
girly in front of the neighbors who haven't been told. Oh I hate
hiding. It's stupid but I know my parents are still embarrassed about
it.Small, slow, subtle steps.
Wednesday, 2003.09.10:
Hey, there's a new page here! Check out the highlights of this site all in one neat index.
Thursday, 2003.09.11:
Being the fateful anniversary of September 11 I was in a kinda quiet mood today. I looked at some slideshows on Yahoo and after a few minutes I just couldn't look at them anymore. Getting all misty-eyed at work isn't really all that good.
I keep thinking about how I'm going to progress at work. My strengths are in multimedia and communications. And, hey, I can program too. So the way I look at it is that the position I'm best off in is some kind of an engineering position where I can do a project in burst mode and then hit the road evangelizing it across the company. That way I get to be nerdy and social at the same time. I think that would be pretty cool. Now that I'm not caring about my voice as much I think I can get back into giving presentations and stuff. Regardless I need to decide soon what my career is going to be. Either I be technical or go towards management. I'm leaning towards the latter.
...
Had a real unpleasant experience with my earrings this morning. I tried shoving ones with larger wires into my ear holes and that just hurt. So I decided I can't wear my Holly Yashi until a while from now when the holes widen a little. Bummer! The Yashi aren't much thicker than my piercing studs but the piercing ones have an advantage: a tapered end. That lets them slide in whereas these ones just get stuck. Ow ow ow ow.
Friday, 2003.09.12:
I'm glad I got the advantage to tele-slack ... uh ... I mean telecommute today. It was just so warm so I got to change into shorts and a tank and sit by an oscillating fan. Plus, because of today's heat officials declared it a Spare the Air day---I didn't have to really drive around today.
Saturday, 2003.09.13:
I can't believe how hhooooott it was today. A few of us were outside all day long hawking our wares at a garage sale. We all went through so many sodas and bottles of water. I felt so totally gross today because I was schweatting buckets. I've been working on getting tan lines (oddly enough) and got a little something today. Going to try tomorrow and see what I can get.
I have lots of stuff I want to sell off but they are mostly clothes. Unfortunately because I'm with a mixed crowd (as in some people haven't been told about my past) I really can't sell the stuff with this group unless I want to explain where I got the suit and the shoes and my guyish belts and so on. I'll probably end up donating them for a tax writeoff instead. Oh well.
Sunday, 2003.09.14:
Yay! I got some tan lines! (OK, even if you're not as happy about this as I am just smile and nod your head like you really do give a care.
)
I spent the day roasting outside with friends.
It was not quite as hot as yesterday but then again
we stayed more in the shade and on our cool front yard grass.
So I ended up wearing something with thin straps wondering if that
would actually work. At the end of the day I took a shower to
scrape the grungy sweat off and, wow, it worked. These thin strap
lines going here and there and a nice tanline along the bust area.
Hehehe...
(Of course all the dermatologists out there are screaming "quit
soaking up the sun and get that sunblock on". Yeayeasuresure.
Considering how much time I used to spend in the sun I'm probably
going to get skin cancer anyways in my later years. Whee.)Another interesting thing is that I have to get used to guys calling out. (Yelling good things I hope.) I ended up being out fixing signs and stuff with cars driving by. I was out long enough that I counted two occassions of driveby calls.
Oh, and guys sending off signals of interest. That's something I'm going to have to get used to. There was this guy at dinner with the group and I had never met him before. We exchanged quips and stuff, generally getting along. Seems like a nice guy, but not quite my type. (Besides he doesn't live around here.) Anyways, so later when we're parting ways I just wished him a safe trip home and was just going to up and leave. Then he says something like, "well, maybe I should give you my e-mail address, I can give you my personal [calling] card." Huh? My brain's thinking, is this guy like coming on to me? I had no real interest in getting his e-mail address and yet he's liberally offering it in this sort of hesitating way. Heh. What could I say? He couldn't find his calling card so I just said, "um, I'll just get your info from my friend because she has your e-mail." And he seemed to react as if to say OK that'll be fine, you know? Hehehe... Crazy world...
Wednesday, 2003.09.17:
Did you know a can of Mountain Dew has 170 calories but a bar of 3 Musketeers has 260? Argh! I was going to have a candy bar as a snack, but I think I'll take the Dew instead...
Been languishing on filling out my SRS paperwork. I should really get it done. I should also schedule electrolysis. And continuing education classes for work. Ugh. So many things demanding so much time...
I still haven't figured out why it is that some days I see my reflection and think, "ack! I'm still so male!" and other days it's like, "hey, not bad." What is it? I just want to find the answer and then improve on that.
Thursday, 2003.09.18:
It is so time for a rambling. Go now.
Been working on a very difficult puzzle that has kicked my butt for years, literally. I got it as a gift---now I think it was more of a mental torture exercise. I like the Amazon.com editorial review of it:
Although the end result is a rather impressionistic 21.25-by-15-inch picture of a tiger, this puzzle is a computer-generated collage of several hundred tiny (half- inch-square) photographs of big cats. Since each photograph is smaller than an individual puzzle piece, there is no way to sort the pieces by concentrating on color or dividing the image into convenient subsets such as grass, sky, fur, etc. The only thing that makes the challenge a little simpler is that it's fairly easy to immediately see which way a piece should be oriented. After that it's "grrr" all the way.and then there's a reader comment equally as ominous:
--Richard Farr
I am not really a fan of this type of puzzle, while the end result looks good the effort expended is high. The only part of this puzzle that you can complete without refering to the box is the edge. For the rest of the puzzle you will spend hours comparing a particular piece with the small picture on the box looking for its position. Each puzzle piece has a portion of 4 small pictures on it, the colour and picture content do not indicate where it fits in the overall jigsaw. Be prepared for hours of squinting and a sore neck as you repetitivly search the picture. If you are a fan of this range of puzzles then this puzzle carries on the quality and style.A bunch of us started to work on it last weekend and I've been doing a little each night. It's like 513 pieces and every night I get maybe 5 or 6 new matches. Yes, it is that hard. What makes it hard is that the entire thing has a tremendous amount of detail so you can't really get a sense of texture or edges of objects. Instead I've been relying on the box to sort of push pieces into general position and then just using brute force to align each piece. Maybe in another couple weeks I'll have this puppy done. It'll be nice to have that space on my floor back, too.
But if you want a good laugh at some other forms of mental torture check out the Popular Science The Worst Jobs In Science. Whenever you think your job is bad there is always something worse. They have an icon key that tells you just what nasties the job requires, some of them are:
Psychological torture Involving digestive products Inspires hatred
Friday, 2003.09.19:
There's nothing more disgusting than day-old cold
Starbucks caffé latte with Irish cream flavoring. The only thing I
can think that surpasses it are cold salty ham and egg breakfast burritos.
But I drank the cold latte anyways. I'm crazy, but you knew that already?
Tried working from home but our crazy cat G decided to camp out on my mouse, on my lap, in front of my keyboard, on my keyboard at some point in time. Now I have all this cat hair between the keys. Ew.
Steve and I were bored-ish. We talked about going dancing or something but I was so wiped after a day of continuous typing that I eventually voted against it. Instead we found this cafe/bar/pool and ended up eating bar food. I got tipsy off of some raspberry concoction and leaned on Steve's arm for support. We passed by one of the clubs that we would have gone to. Everyone was really dressed down in there---prolly 'cuz it's near a college. Ended up at coffee house and had this ultra-thick grand marinier mousse cake.
Saturday, 2003.09.20:
Made real progress on that neverending puzzle. Most of the tiger is in place now except for the dark parts where it's really hard to make out shape.
Took a shower and coming out did my usual dual towel-wrap around the body and hair as I went about some other stuff. But the strangest thing happened. I caught myself in the mirror and just for an instant I was like: who is that girl? Oh crikey, it's me. Wow. Talk about how HRT has changed you. In one sense it doesn't seem like it has done all that much but I remember in years past I never quite had a silhouette like I do now.
It only has been about 15 months on estrogen. Who knows what it'll be like in another 3 or 4 years? Given that, as well, it really makes me wish I had started this years ago when I was in my early 20s. Gawrsh. Hindsight really makes me ticked off at myself for not having believed in myself back then. And even now I'm kinda perturbed that I don't trust myself so much. Despite the dozens of things that bother me right now I really have no right to complain. It's more like I'm finding excuses not to experience life.
Scrolling back through my Palm I realize I have a backlog of blog entries that never quite made it into here:
-
2003.08.09:
One of the downsides of my car are the hot leather seats. I got the
leather because I wanted it and I knew it would be hot. But I forgot
that now the shorts I use are quite a bit shorter and having bare
skin on it is painful. I'll probably end up throwing a towel over
my seats like my friends do in their cars.
I am finding it harder and harder to understand why TV/CDs have an attraction to women's clothing. Quite frankly I wear nothing but women's clothing now and it does nothing for me. Huh. Weird.
-
2003.08.24:
Meandering is cool some times. I was out with Jen,
she commanding my steering wheel this time, driving home alone
PCH. Since I was a passenger I got to pay attention as the sky
went from blue to purple to a deep indigo while we
sang along to Bohemian Rhapsody...
I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramouch, scaramouch, will you do the fandango?
THUNDERBOLT AND LIGHTNING - VERY VERY FRIGHTENING ME!
Gallileo! ...
Gallileo! ...
... Gallileo!
... Gallileo!
Gallileo Figaro ... magnifico ...
Houston, we have a problem. Today I bought a whole bunch of shoe racks to fit my growing pile of shoes---literally it was a pile. Pair after pair went onto the rack but I ran out of room. Hm. I put the remaining in some spare shoe boxes that I had. After tallying it up I came up with 27 pairs. No kidding. And here's the kicker: I'm still looking for 3 more pairs to round out the collection. Heh. I never woulda guessed I'd end up with so many. In guy mode I prolly had about 8 pairs max at all times, 1 of them dress shoes and the rest athletic. How times have changed.
Speaking of buying things, went shopping for fall clothes. I have some old fall clothes I've collected over the years but oddly my size has shrunk over the past year. I used to be mostly a medium but now am finding myself competing with all the other vertically-challenged people for smalls. Anyways I happened to be in Victoria's Secret looking at something more interesting than my run-of-the-mill briefs in my drawers. Then I realized that I can't use them at all. I would normally have worn them with skirts but unfortunately to wear a skirt I need to find something to tuck and my current method is doubling up on the underwear. Worse yet, more delicate lingerie won't do anything to hold "things" in place, if you know what I mean. Ugh. I can't wait for RLT and SRS to be over and done with.
Sunday, 2003.09.21:
Well, what do you know? I actually saw my parents today. I covered up in a big fluffy old jacket so it wouldn't be so obvious to the neighbors but once I got inside I said "hi" to Mom and Dad then promptly removed the jacket. And, wham, there it was: me in my contouring jeans, v-neck shirt, a very obvious bra, and a necklace. My Mom stopped making breakfast and just looked at me. Then sighed. Then slowly returned to tending her Dutch boy mix. It was like a sigh of oh-why-is-my-son-doing-this. But we three struck up conversation and made no more mention of it, except that my parents were paranoid over the neighbors. Notice that they're not only freaking out about the situation in our family but that they are concerned what the neighbors and what our extended family will think.
Oh well, one small step at a time. At least my parents and I are still on speaking terms and I don't have to completely boy-it-up for them. I doubt I'll wear skirts to there just because of the neighbors issue.
...
You know what's really the problem with my relationship with a bunch of my longstanding friends: they are very indecisive. This was only made more apparent today as we pondered what to do after a movie. I can't believe we all stood around in the theater for like 10 minutes with no one coming up with ideas. The conversation basically went like:
So are you guys up to anything now?Argh! And that's one of the reasons why we're drifting. I used to be the coordinator of the group, sorta making the plans and decisions and stuff. I have since stopped doing it because, well, I'm tired. Without that push it seems we get locked in stalemates. Not to say that I broke the stalemates but I think that there's a sort of balance that the group had and now we're kinda just floundering. We did do one thing though: scheduled some time for next weekend. So we might actually have a plan versus coming up with one on the fly.
Well, what do you want to do?
I don't know. Depends on what everyone else wants to do.
Sure, we were thinking of going to Ikea but we don't have to go if you have something in mind.
Any ideas?
Well, what does everyone want to do?
What about another movie?
No! We just spent 2 hours sitting!
Neverwinter?
Yeah, but we'd all have to go home because our computers are there.
Grr... So what do you guys want to do?
I'm going home if we're not doing anything.
I don't know. Anyone got any suggestions?
I'm open to whatever people want to do.
Bowling?
Nah...
Monday, 2003.09.22:
I'm happy right now. Why oh why?
I got my date! I got my date! I got my date! I got my date! I got my date!
Ahem.
I still have yet to get everything set up but I got my SRS dates scheduled for next year. So you figure some time around the middle of next year I'll be able to be done and over with it. Wow. The reality of this is just hitting me. I'm in the pipeline now and there's a clock that's counting down. It's like I'm running a really long race and the finish line is off in the distance but you can feel it getting closer. That is to say for this phase of my life there is now a definitive end to it. (Of course there are a few extra cosmetic procedures and a lifetime of dilation ahead...) But just as I left my boyhood behind a few months ago, hopefully I can shed a lot of transition at that point.
I don't think SRS will make me "complete" per se, but I'm hoping it will bring me closer to that mind-body harmony issue that has been plaguing my existince. Even past SRS there's still the troubling issue of relationships because, really, who wants to have a long-term relationship with a tranny let along date one? I suppose it can be done as many others have proven. I just wonder if that's more the exception than the rule, you know? But, maybe I'll leave these thoughts for later when I really come up to them because at this point I can't ever go back to having a normal life and the future holds great uncertainty. But I'm going forward hopefully not because of stubborness but because it is the right thing to do.
...
And the final episode of that stupid friggin' butt kicking puzzle is here. At 1:50a our heroine laid to rest the final piece of the 513 scrambled images thus completing what looks to be an impressively colorful out of focus photo of a bengal tiger. If you squint hard enough it looks pretty much like a tiger. If you get semi-close it looks like a bazillion neo-impressionists screaming at you. And, if you get really close ... you can see that you were completely insane in trying to tackle this puzzle. The only things I'm thinking right now are:
- This puzzle better not fall apart when I set about gluing it together.
- I'm glad to have my floor space back.
Tuesday, 2003.09.23:
Found a cute web comic Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki. It's complete nonsense but fairly well-drawn. Funny, too, has transgender themes to it.
Wednesday, 2003.09.24:
Shit. I'm crying. Well, not an all-out bawl 'cuz I'm at work---just the wet sniffles. I just said goodbye to a friend. Man, this hurts. It just felt like an issue of futility because she wants to take a leave of absence for a while to get away from a lot of things and I sorta wanted her to stick around. So I don't know when/if I'll be talking to her again. I mean ... it's too complicated to explain here I think. No, we didn't argue. It's not a bad parting. Nonetheless it's just the mere fact that she's walking away that hurts.
See you later, friend.
Thursday, 2003.09.25:
I'm anticipating next year and I'm also nerdy. What does that make me do? Build a countdown timer. Heh. When I load up my web browers I have my own local start page which has all these sorts of links and a logging window. Since it's all in PHP I can pretty much make it do any amount of server-side processing. So on the top of the page now reads a counter going backwards to 0. On the one hand it's a long ways off and on the other it's really not.
...
Oh, wow, people actually sell this: Teddy Bear Cam. Home surveillance in cute little packages. I suppose if you were serious about this you'd probably rather assemble these yourself.
...
If you ever want some American cheese that isn't really cheese try, uh, ... *grabs package from fridge* ... uh ... "Veggie Slices" from Galaxy Nutritional Foods. I must say that this is probably the best imitation American cheese that I've had. It's all soy and other stuff---no milk used---and the taste is great. I rank it up there with Quorn chicken nuggets and Morningstar Farms' breakfast sausages. These are pretty good imitation foods. But I have to give it up for Amy's Kitchen cheese enchiladas. If you're willing to pay the price Amy's is great because the stuff actually tastes good and fills you up.
Friday, 2003.09.26:
Asian or not? Hm. The thought just crossed my mind: for my ideal mate would I care if he was Asian or not? I don't really know. I have to tell you that guys like Scott Speedman and Hugh Jackman are preferred over Orlando Bloom and Jonathan Rhys-Meyers. (Not that there's anything wrong with them. Heh.) But the one thing that they all sorta have in common is that they are ostensibly Caucasian. I just can't think of an Asian (or other ethnicity) popular idol that I'd lust over at the moment... You know what though? Chances are if I get into a relationship later then it will be more based who the person is rather what the person looks like. I think a guy has to be complementary (not just impressive) with his humor, intellect, and compassion. OK, those are lofty goals, but you never know. I'd like to think there's someone special out there somewhere...
In a related story ... I was talking to a friend late late last night and the subject of relationships came up. Now she is an MTF and found company in the arms of another MTF, a relationship that she herself said she didn't quite imagine she'd be in. When the Speaking Ball got passed to me I think I said something like:
I continue to maintain, as first said long ago, that if anyone asks me what my sexuality is then I'm a "Whatever". If the right girl comes along then sure. If the right guy is there then sure. But if recent history is any indication then I'm probably hetero. I mean, looking at girls does absolutely nothing for me now.So I'm a Whatever with hetero tendencies. Heh.
The more I think about it though, I've always wanted to feel small when cradled by the arms of another. I have rarely looked at women sexually---hell, I still remember the Playboy subscription friends gave me for my birthday 5 years ago. (And those damned subscription cards keep arriving in the mail and I can't get them to stop!) In retrospect, I was not a typical guy. Come to think of it I must have seemed pretty lame trying to pretend to be the guy I wasn't.
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Though I don't really think the music is anything spectacular, I like Nickelback's video "Someday". If you watch it, watch it twice.
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And delay of game for Vivendi. Literally. Sigh.
Saturday, 2003.09.27:
Darn you Express! You make my credit card feel the pain. They had some sales this weekend and so in taking advantage of them I walked away with quite a bit more than I was expecting. Maybe my tastes are changing. I dunno. I never would have considered some of these things before but now I'm beginning to wonder why I didn't allow myself previously to look into them. Oh, yeah .. now I remember ... I was living in a guy's world and had given up on the girl thing. Ah.
Gap, Banana, and J.Crew also steal way too much of my cash. Unfortunately for some of the things I want you can really only get them there. *sigh* Replacing my entire wardrobe has become a very expensive proposition. (Then again all I used to have were jeans and t-shirts, half the shirts were from work. No, I wasn't cheap, no...)
One thing struck me while I was watching people scurry about: hey, I can make this girl thing work after all. It was the first time in a while I had some confidence in me. I dunno---it was a good feeling.
Sunday, 2003.09.28:
I'm pooped. Two movies in two days...
OK, something semi-disgusting but interesting nonetheless: I was putting on some of my shorts and as I was stuffing my trunk into them I noticed something weird. When I hiked them up the mass which would be my butt was quite a bit heavier. Ack!
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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