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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Wednesday, 2003.10.01:
Happy October! Only a few days before vacation. Yay!
Friday, 2003.10.03:
Tonight was a Balderdash night. Believe it or not I never played the game before---a virgin they called me.
I had been looking forward to it for a few days and
dreading it at the same time. As you know I'm still
very self-conscious about my body and especially
my voice.A couple of things really got me though. I was nervous about being the Dasher 'cuz it means speaking up loudly in a crowd. I think I sound worse when speaking at high volume so that sort of made me cringe. And one of the people said as their definition to one of the words "shemale", which was hitting just a little close to home if you know what I mean. But everyone had a lot of fun and I was OK in the end.
Saturday, 2003.10.04:
Today I get to meet up with a friend who's having her SRS in just a few days! (Let's call her "C".) She's going for SRS this coming week and we arranged it so that I'd be there for her momentous occassion a few days before and a few days after. So the following few entries recap some of the things from the trip. It was actually a pretty cool experience but it's more something to be seen than read about. Anyways...
E-tickets rock. I entered the airport and approached the main counter with a significant line outside it. Then I spied the Easy Check-In line which allowed for e-tickets and that was much shorter. Whilst standing in that I noticed that there were some automated machines next to it so I ambled on over and began tapping at the screen. In about 30 seconds I had all my boarding passes printed. Whoa! My wait of 10 minutes got cut down to about 1. What a change from when I used to travel.
But I was so not awake. I had actually left out my boarding pass and my driver's ID on my carry-on bag out in plain view of everyone!!! Ack! It's just like me to commit a faux pas like that which would inevitably lead to disaster. Combined with the fact I really did not sleep well at all means that I was on edge all day long. I was the one with the car reservation too.
...
I know there are plenty of people out there who wish they could have some of the physical attributes I have---short, slim, etc. But I look at some of these pictures on web sites and I think one thing: I suck. I caught my reflection in the window this morning while waiting for planes and I realize how fugly certain features of mine are and it makes me just want to whine to no end. Without massive surgery I know that I will always carry a lot of male artifacts and I don't know if that sort of stigma will haunt me indefinitely.
I was talking to my counselor last week and telling her that I was considering a nose job and whatnot. She asked me when I thought enough would be enough and I said I will probably stop after that. She thinks I do OK enough and I guess a number of people would agree with that. But I personally just don't like what I see. And so now I weigh the options. I pass well enough not to require surgery, but I don't have the level of beauty (if there is such a thing) that I really think would best suit me.
I might just do the nose and the jawline, but that's like $8,000 minimum. That's a lot of money and there are reprocussions of it way down the line. Though, I start reminding myself of one thing: I promised myself that in regards to transition I would not do it half-assed like I do most other things. That means sacrifice and that also means that if I'm not happy with something maybe it is truly better to go ahead and do it and feel comfortable than question why I didn't do it earlier.
This logic bears itself out with the trach shave. People kept telling me it's not that bad but the stigma was killing me because I felt it was just out of place. Did I need the trach shave? No. Did it help? Absolutely. Do I regret having sacrificed vocal quality to achieve a better visual result? Not that much. (There's a tinge of "OMG, what did I do?" but when I feel my neck and see it in the mirror I smile because to me it's 100% better.)
...
Arrived wired only on the force of andrenaline and went out to towards the baggage claim. We said that we'd meet up near the rentals which were in the same vicinity as the baggage claim. As I walked there my eyes darted left to right and back again trying to pick out her face from the shifting mass of shape and color. I couldn't see her. I crept towards the baggage claim, closer. I got there and did a slow pan from right to left. Nope, nope, maybe, nope, nope, nope ... Wait. There was someone looking back at me. I looked a bit closer and it didn't look like who I was expecting, but at the same time ... She's smiling back, hey! Yes! We ran together for an obligatory bear hug.
She had changed enough from when I had last seen her in the flesh a year ago. Cheeks rounder, figure more shapely, hair longer. It is amazing the difference just a year makes. Actually she didn't quite recognize me either because I guess both of us have morphed in the year past. Ain't that the truth...
We headed over to the car rental counter. This jovial guy was there and we were all happy bouncy. It was so cool. He gave us a free upgrade from a compact to a mid-size. Awesome! *wink* We were soon on our way and after taking a very long detour we found our way to the hotel. Checking in at the lobby we were disappointed to find that there were no more rooms with a double bed. As a compromise the girl gave us an upgrade to a suite just above the pool. No kidding. One bed was a king size and had its own doors to wall it off from the bathroom (which had a stall and a tub) and the office. The office had a bureau-style desk surrounded by a couple of couches. In the back was the fridge and the pull-out bed. Score!
We were so tired we konked out for a few hours in our respective corners of the suite. Upon rising we didn't know what to do exactly so we headed out to the freeway to get to downtown. Parking was a bit scarce because there was some event going on. We wandered an outdoor mall and found dinner at this Mexican place. (Mmm...mahi mahi...not as tender as the stuff in my neck of the woods but not bad.) We drove around and headed back to the hotel.
C was all tired so she hit the sack whilst I headed back out on my own. I was on a mission to explore the neighborhood to find a place to do billiards and to eat and walk. I bummed around the local streets and found a couple of clubs and stuff but didn't really go in. I had directions to a supersize Walmart so I wended my way out to it. It was huuuuuuuge. I got some milk, water, DVDs, and a CD from BT, Emotional Technology. (I'm listening to it now and it's not bad. His typical beat has this ambling, marching feel to it.) I stopped by a few other places on the way back just to feel out the area.
When I returned C was in the throes of an emotional overload. Being off HRT combined with the financial stresses and uncertain future really seemed to grip her bad. We sat up for quite a while just talking and figuring out life. In the end she was OK.
I had brought her a couple of gifts so she unwrapped them then. She smiled a little.
I was going to head off to bed after catching a quick snack but I made the mistake of saying I was going to watch a little DVD off my laptop. Heh. We ended up watching Bend It Like Beckham all the way through. What an uplifting story and cute too. It has fast become one of my fav movies. At the end C was so beat up and she just crashed in her room. I pulled up my laptop, downloaded some pictures from today and typed in blogs. I knocked off about 4:30a.
Sunday, 2003.10.05:
Today was kind of a lost day. Let me try to summarize it: wake late, drive, lunch, drive to hotel, sleep in hotel, drive for dinner, Walmart, sleep. Most of the day C just slept because we were both exhausted. I think last night did us in real good and she's still recovering from a little case of the sniffles. We that and the heat just drains all of your energy. There were a couple of more interesting things we did.
When we got back to the hotel right after lunch she wanted to take a nap but decided to stop by the pool first. So we went out there and before you know it she was dangling her feet in the cool water. I joined her and we chatted for quite a while. This was the first time we had a chance to really have a relaxing talk. I had sorta wanted to do it yesterday by finding a nice indoor mall to bum around but we didn't get the chance. She was feeling a bit down about not being completely integrated into society. Well, we ended up striking up a short conversation with one of the ladies in the pool. I kind of nudged her afterwards and noted that if we didn't fit in do you think she'd even have been that friendly. (By the way, we saw a really cool rainbow effect in the clouds. Too bad I didn't get a picture of it.) I think C has an a good chance of integrating just fine and that she just needs to get over the fact that she's not perfect. (Funny, that's what my friends have been telling me to realize as well.) So that led to me pushing her a little later.
After a nice Italian dinner we headed out to the super Walmart I found last night---we tried Targét but it was closed. I really was trying to get her into a mall earlier in the afternoon but she said she wanted to sleep and frankly her health comes before getting her some half decent threads. So I had acquiesced earlier but not this time. We browsed the clothing racks a for a little bit and I showed her a few things I have learned in the recent months about what works better together. And she ended up in the dressing room trying on about a dozen diferent things. Hehehe.
Before bed I read Meltzer's info packet that C got. I wanted to familiarize myself with his requirements. I felt I needed to know what was expected of C because she's already lost her brain due to stress and so I'm going to be her brain for this trip. I hope when I go through this I have someone to lean on next year.
Monday, 2003.10.06:
We got up a bit earlier to today and our goal for the morning was to find som Arnica Montana. Apparently it's supposed to help with the healing process. So we eventually located a place that sold it and bought a bottle of the tablets.
Needing to kill some time before we met up with another friend we went to Targét. Our other friend caught up with us (let's call her "K") and it was about time for lunch. I'm beginning to like Schlotsky's Deli. Well, at least it was better than fast food. After that it was over to Fry's to get some water for C and some power drink for me. I snatched up Jugular---do not under any circumstances get this drink. Ugh! I picked up some 3 Musketeers bars (mmm...) to snack on which promptly melted in their wrappers.
We returned to the room and I put the bars into the fridge to solidify. Sometime in the afternoon C started on her water diet. 8 oz. of water every hour I think. It was funny trying to watch her get it all down. C went off to take a nap while K and I talked a little about this and that. When she left I was bored so I popped in Galaxy Quest. If you've been to a lot of comic conventions it makes the movie all the more funny.
It was off to Meltzer's in the late afternoon for the pre-surgery appointment. It took a while but everyone answered all of our questions---and boy did we throw a lot at them. It's funny, how SRS goes isn't really an unknown but there were small things we asked and it just took up a lot of time. We got out of the office late so we got a crappy fast food dinner.
When we got back to the hotel room C put the suppository in the refrigerator next to the disfigured yet solid 3 Musketeers bars. K was in a talking mood and so she sort of interviewed C. My Palm went off at some point to signal C to start downing the bottle of magnesium citrate. Ew. You shoulda seen the look on her face! It was priceless.
Some time later it was 9:30p and it was suppository time. 20 minutes later it did its magic. After that it was the start of a very long night for C...
Tuesday, 2003.10.07:
Today was the Big Day for C. We got up, packed, and rolled out the door to face the music. (Somewhere along the line Sianna had called to ask what was up with this site---I think I asked if she could post something to the message boards to the effect that I was busy witnessing someone's SRS but things would be back to normal soon.) We had some comical moments trying to figure out where our car was parked and we went up and down the elevator a couple of times.
Finally down at hospital we checked C in. While waiting for the nurse to wheel her away, K and I got to sit with C in her gurney. Surprise surprise, C's mom actually made it just in time and we all got to spend a little bit chatting. Finally the nurse came and we waved at C.
I didn't have anything to do for the next few hours so I wandered the 5th Avenue and Old Scottsdale shops. I found gifts for a whole bunch of people and a necklace/bracelet combo for myself. I had a leisurely chat with some gelato shopkeeper who talked about the differences of living in Scottsdale versus a bit city like Chicago.
I headed out to a supermarket just before returning to the hospital and found an "It's a Girl!" balloon for C. I managed to make it back to the hospital before C was done so I put the balloon and a card in her room---they have private rooms! C's mom and K came in a bit later and we all got to talking. Dr. Meltzer interrupted us at one point to let us know that C had made it through just fine and she'd be up in her room as soon as her body temperature stabilized. (They said something about how she was pretty cold.)
Time went by and finally we got up to see C. She was pretty groggy and couldn't talk very well but we got a few smiles out of her. C really got use out of her Demerol clicker. She was still a little bit cold so I tried doing the Mr. Miyagi hand warmer technique. We kinda just sat around and held C's hand until C drifted off to sleep.
Tonight I wasn't going to the hotel to sleep because we had checked out. Instead I have a friend who moved out to that area a while ago and so I jumped onto the freeway and headed out to her place. I punched in Pam's home number into my cellular (which, I found out, was still considered a "local" call for me!) and told her I was en route. I swung by a sandwich shop to quiet the rumbling of my stomach but it was back on the road for me soon enough. Pam lives pretty far out from the city so I had a long time to listen to the remainder of the BT album.
I finally got to her home and unloaded my bags into a pile. She had an aerobed and within minutes we had me set up for sleep. We got a little talking in but I was just so tuckered out I hit the hay in short order.
Wednesday, 2003.10.08:
Today was a pretty low key day. I got up late after the long night previous. I wanted to go check out some of the other Scottsdale area and Pam was looking to get out of the house so we hopped in my rental. After a quick breakfast at an IHOP we were in the city and bumming around. Soon enough though it was time to get back to C. We headed over to the surgery center and there she was.
Her voice was still a bit hoarse. She was in quite a bit of pain from the gas. Apparently this is normal when you've had your system flushed out that gas begins to build up and it gets pinched in your digestive system. She took down a lot of pills to help mitigate the gas pain but it didn't seem to do anything. I think the nursing staff got kinda tired of us paging them for pain meds, but C was in a lot of pain. Eventually C got to sleep a little in the afternoon.
While she was napping I stole a few minutes to make a couple of phone calls to friends to wish them happy birthday. Both turned out to be away so I left some cheery voice messages.
It was getting late when we left so Pam and I head out. We found an Outback Steakhouse along the highway and chowed down on things with way too much sodium and fat.
Back at Pam's I was still wide awake. Being the silly person I am (and not thinking to call ahead) I drove back to the hospital by myself to catch C before lights-out time. But when I got there C looked like she was already asleep. So I just turned around and went back to Pam's. The whole round trip took about an hour and a bit. It was more time for me to think about life and stuff, so it wasn't a wasted trip after all. If I had been at Pam's then we would have gotten to talking all the time and I really hadn't had much personal time this trip.
Thursday, 2003.10.09:
Toured some of the hills out in the Greater Phoenix area. There are some nice homes out there! But all the open space is rapidly disappearing due to the increase in housing development. I bet you that in the next 3 years the population is going to skyrocket. If you're going to buy a house out there, do it now.
I eventually made it back to the hospital where C was in better spirits today. It caught me by surprise that she was eating solid food. But that turned out to be disastrous later on in the day. She got nauseous and lost it later. That sucked. But I guess all that gas was still in there and really upset the balance of her stomach. On the bright side C was up and walking around.
There was a lull in the afternoon so I went out shopping myself. Hit one of the enclosed malls. I found a belt to go with my Halloween costume but not much else. Express was having more of their clearance going on, but I figured this was stuff I could pick up back home rather than having to stuff my bags with it. Besides, my luggage was mostly full already.
Back at the hospital it was just more hanging around with C and helping her walk a little more. When she wasn't walking I started working on the style and scripts for the 5th release of this site but didn't get too far. And that was pretty much all that happened before I took off.
Pam was waiting for me when I got back. I was going to suggest we go out to dinner right then but she said she had a friend dropping by. Little did I know that this was going to be one heck of a dinner. See, this friend sort of invited himself over and decided we should take him out to dinner. Pam told him she had company tonight but he decided to come anyways. At dinner he was just a total embarrassment. I tried to sort of laugh at the situation but I was really counting the seconds to escape. And, at the end of it all, he asks Pam if he can stay overnight at her place. She reminded him that she had no room for him and that he should just use a motel nearby. Well, that apparently wasn't what he had in mind so he asks if he can just park his car out in the complex's lot and maybe get a key to Pam's place so he can use the toilet. Finally he leaves saying, "well, I guess God will provide..." Um, OK. Pam and I bitched about him for a while after that.
Friday, 2003.10.10:
I would have thought I'd have the site back up today but couldn't get a long stretch of time in between planes (or on them) to really work. I should have gotten a direct flight... Anyways, the site now uses a lot of scripts and stuff to maintain itself, not that you would ever know. Just believe it's much easier for me to compile and navigate all this data. Yay.
The plane ride back was most entertaining. One woman a few rows up from me had those really massive fingernails. No, claws. On second thought, Freddy Krueger claws. And there she was trying to turn off that little air vent thingy above her seat. Now she couldn't grab it with her fingertips obviously. So she tries using just her knuckles to turn it but can't. So she goes to hit the Attendant call button but has to tap it with her nai---I mean claws. She's even having a hard time with that but manages to flick it on. The attendant finally comes over to help with the nozzle bit and all's well. But in the meanwhile I'm just shaking my head.
Ended up chatting with this girl in the seat next to me. She's been married once, back in school, and dreams of riding horses with her new boyfriend. And she's so young too. Oh well.
Back on home turf my lil' car greeted me---well, Jen drove it over. We threw my bags in and back to the house it was.
Saturday, 2003.10.11:
Got a wedding invitation from the fiancée of an old friend only two weeks before their wedding. I didn't know what to make of that. It almost feels like the guy is ignoring me and it was only his wife that had suggested I should attend. That just makes me feel left out. *sigh*
Anyways, figuring I might go to this I went shopping for shoes for the wedding. Ended up with some things (plural) from Etienne Aigner. Nice selection---you can get virtually the same shoe with 4 different types of heels and in a wide variety of colors. Of course this means just one more pair of shoes for my collection! Hm, I think there are 29 current pairs in current rotation.
I know I'm sad, but shed not tears of pity for me. (I know ppl who
use more than that.)After getting back I prepped for Steve's soirée. The group was mostly from work and I know most of them. We had food, drinks, and could have done dancing but no one did. Steve had WinAMP streaming in the background and some funky visualization blasted all across his lovely flat widescreen display---he loves that 43" toy. He and this other guy made drinks. (Despite the fact I don't like Red Bull straight, cut a little vodka into it and it's not too bad at all...)
But I have two words for you: Twister pre-op. This is definitely the time when A) you hope your tucking lasts through stretch jeans, and B) you hope you don't get "happy" if you end up twisted with a cute guy. Twister used to be so innocent when I was a kid, but oh how times have changed.
Steve got everyone involved by goading them into playing. And of course the guys in the room were quite happy to see girls bend over and show their Gs poking from behind the exposed backside under their lowrise jeans. Of course now that I'm part of that group I should be playing along too, right? Uh, um... Err...
I threw Siva a frightened glance trying to say with my eyes, "I really don't think you want me to be doing this right now." Keep in mind that only half of the people there know of my peculiar circumstances, there were a few that did not and I really don't think they'd be all that pleased to be twisted up with a tranny. But the tucking miraculously stayed and nothing happened out of the ordinary. Hehe. I'm also glad I'm not wearing a wig or breast forms otherwise they would have ended up on the floor at some point. And that would have been mucho embarrassing ...
Sunday, 2003.10.12:
Woke up way late today after last night's party. I had some plans on what to do about my day, but as we know from countless times past I'd prolly run out of time. And I did. At least I got some of my goals today...
My lil' car finally got cleaned. You know what? There really is silver paint under all that dust!
Thanks to Steve
we got a little detailing done in the process...My bed sheets are finally changed. Clothes washed. Suitcase unpacked. Life back in forward motion.
As I finished up watching Stargate the movie with Steve I laid back and stared at the ceiling. I feel like so much time has been lost. It's hard to put into words the deep sense of regret that I have about the direction of my life thus far. It is like if I had only slowed down to think 10 years ago I might have come to the conclusions that I have now:
- I am comfortable in the female role.
- About sexual orientation, I like feeling small in a guy's arms. It's what I dreamed of and it feels good when I get it. Women do very little if anything for me.
- I will almost always be a tomboy due to the fact I spent way too many years in that mode. It's part of me.
- I have a youthful heart and am more abitious now. This attitude would have been more fitting if I was late teens right now. It just makes me feel old that the kinds of fun I want to have now are probably limited by my age.
- Despite transition has taken 5 years I believe this is the best I could have done under the circumstances.
- I've got a shot at being stealth if I want it.
- I like video games, sci-fi, caffeine, and computers. I should embrace it, not turn away from it.
- My job and I are currently not compatible. I feel stuck like everyone else. I want to make the best of it but it is difficult some days.
- I don't know how much longer I'll be blogging but I do know that I like writing and this is really theraputic.
- In order to find my groove again I will most likely have to take a step back from being so sociable. I must spend more time by myself doing things that interest me. As much as that begins to play on my fear of being alone, I have found that I tend to experience life through other people's travels. I need to be creating my own adventures.
- I probably will not be more involved in the TG community beyond the people I already have contact with. I have nothing against it; I'm just running out of time. I'm moving away from the Internet as a socialization tool because it just takes too many minutes out of my day.
- I have to get back to music. I've been itching to create. Maybe you'll see an album of mine one of these days.
- I need to get back to the child in my heart because I feel she's stifled.
- Filling an A cup is really interesting.
I'm reaching a point in my life now where I'm emerging from being bound by my fears. I'm feeling much more adjusted to normal life and I can almost feel that second wind coming on. There's this nagging feeling that I need to get off my keister and do something with my life. I want to find that spirit which says "I can do anything if I try". Somehow, some way, I think I have a lot to offer this world if only I can find the outlet for it. I'm not sure when I'll get that opportunity but I'm wondering what will happen if I see it.
I can just imagine one day that I'll leave the corporate world behind for a while as I recreate my life. It almost seems palpable---that's scary. I need the flow of income right now but I don't need to keep spinning my wheels. It benefits me nothing and my company will probably get rid of me anyways because I'm just another expendable lemming.
I'm far too creative to be locked into a job like this and a life like what I'm living. I want something better. I'm not quite sure what that is and how I'm going to get there, but there has to be something more than this. I want to make a difference in the world, too. Lots of people out there are in disadvantaged positions and I'd like to level the playing field in my own little way. If I have a purpose on Earth then I hope it's to help advance the state of something somewhere.
If this sounds like a lot of soul searching, it is. At the present I'm trying to leave transition behind me. I've made it through the worst of it and now there's a lot of life out there to be sampled. I'm looking for that next Big Thing, that next goal. I used to have some goals but now looking at my situation I am rethinking them.
Enough of my banter. It's time to get back to being me.
Thursday, 2003.10.16:
If there is one constant around the office it's that change happens all the time. We just had another reorg and it looks like I'm being shipped off to another project. Fortunately I'll be working mostly with people I already know, so that's good. But I'm going to be interfacing with those that don't. This is really one of those times when I wish I hadn't been relocated. I wanted to lay low until next year after SRS is over with. I wanted to be surrounded with people who were aware of my condition so that when I go on a 2 month hiatus people won't be the least bit surprised. However I guess it won't be working out quite that way...
Back to that wedding. I was planning on not going to it because I found out recently about schedule conflicts, but with a bit of juggling it seems that I will be able to go to it after all. This ought to be very interesting indeed.
There's also another wedding off in the near future that I might go to as well. That one is bound to have some people from college which I haven't seen in a long time. I wonder if they'll recognize me. I wonder if anyone will freak.
...
By the way, Jak II is muy fun. I've never played the previous ones but I'm a fan of Naughty Dog's Crash Bandicoot series. (The Wrath of Cortex and Crash Team Racing are among my favorites.) Anyhow, I picked up Jak II tonight and played a couple hours worth. Hopefully this weekend I'll get some more time on it. ... And after Jak I still have NWN to work on. Hehehe. Anything to tie me over until Halflife 2 gets released.
Ah, I sometimes wonder if I should have followed my childhood dreams of being a game designer. Hehehe. It makes me smile thinking of some of the old implementations I did of a semi-Asteroids, 2D shooters, Smash TV, and a number of others I can't remember.
Friday, 2003.10.17:
Short one: go read Small Stories if you've never seen it. And check out Red vs. Blue. And in furthering my pursuit of languages today I learned how to say the equivalent of "go screw yourself with a dead dog" in a particular Native American dialect. Not that its useful in any ordinary conversation. Try using it with the new HAL2003.
Met up with an old high school friend for dinner along with her current beau. It is cool still being able to talk to her. We were not really close when I knew her but we were around each other a lot way back when. Band, Spanish class, and our friends.
Today I also made a note to buy Lotto tickets for our pool: $24 worth.
After coming back a few people were up to seeing Kill Bill. Cool movie and fairly gory. I can't wait for the sequel.
Got home from the movie around 1:00a and I flipped on the TV and the PS2. Wait...the PS2's still on... Turns out that Jen had been playing it while I was gone and she had gotten stuck at a part where there's all these turrets firing at Jak. I saved her game then loaded up my last saved game. The funny thing was that we were at about the same stage in the game. Hehe. But I ended up staying on the game until about 5:30a. Yeah, I almost saw the sun come up. The funny thing is that my roomie woke up before 6:00a because she had some things to do. So when I was going to bed she was just waking up!
Saturday, 2003.10.18:
Having a pedicure was interesting. My roomie and I hopped off to one of her favorite salons and got our nails done---well just the feet. In retrospect I would have probably had both the hands and feet done but for some reason it turned into only the feet... anyways... So we each took turns and we must have been there at least 3 hours. Foot soak, massage, cleaning, and painting... Mmm... We both kinda melted into the salon chairs.
Sunday, 2003.10.19:
Played tennis with some college friends. I wish I could do this more. I've been thinking about signing up for a tennis class or two but I'm still just nervous about being in public. I think it's because I still see so many personal flaws that I think other people see them. Anyways, it was fun.
Amber's Daily Taste Suggestion: Beef Roganjosh from Tasty Bite. I just wish I had some naan to go with it right now. (Corn tortillas are a poor substitute.) The neato bonus to Tasty Bite's products are the special retort packages that need no refrigeration and keep forever, so the contents heat up real quick and the sauces are preserved.
Finished up the blog compiler today. You probably can't appreciate this but the blogs are being automated now. So there's a script that searches for all the blogs and then compiles the blog index as well as the monthly blog lists.
Monday, 2003.10.20:
Ended up hitting the mall with Jen and Sarah to get some Halloween costume stuff. Hot Topic supplied most of what I needed; Jen ran off to somewhere else. At some point Sarah comes up to me and says we need to go pronto because we needed to make it over to another store---we forgot it was Christian's b-day! So we got him a Krusty the Clown outfit so he'll have to show up in costume.
Andy met us up at Christian's and we barged into his house unannounced. He was caught totally offguard---didn't even have a shirt on. Then it was time to give him his costume. And I'm really evil and a tease at heart so I got to give it to him.
We all head into the living/dining room and I'm holding this big black bag from Hot Topic. I'm like, "so, it's your birthday and we thought we'd do something special---we got you something to wear to the Halloween party." About that time I start pulling something very black and very shiny from the bag ... very slowly. "So we thought you'd look good in something...vinyl." I yank out the rest of it and hovering in front of his face is a short pleated vinyl miniskirt. "We thought of dressing you up on this!" His eyes grew wide in horror as the reality was sinking in. Alas it was time to let him off the hook. I pulled the skirt away and handed him the bag. "Just kidding! Happy birthday!" Hehe. We took him out for sherbet afterwards.
Tuesday, 2003.10.21:
A ho-hum day at work. Yay. But it's a little different now that I'm off the old project...
Came out to another long-time friend today. Someone I've actually never met in person but have conversed with for years. We did a lot of music in the same group and had some collaborations too. He's now doing DJing and all sorts of background mixes and whatnot. Damn, he's got a chance at going far!
Found another piece to the Halloween outfit I'm trying to put together. Muahahhaa... if I can pull this off it will be cool. If not, well, I'll have an eclectic set of clothes left over. Hehehe. I haven't dressed up for Halloween since I was probably, oh, 11. And I never thought I'd be wearing a skirt on Halloween either. Heh. *rubs little hands together* I hope this works.
Updating my credit cards is such a bore. Calling up all these places and having to send in documentation. Ugh. Bad bad bad. Hopefully this will be over soon. As well as remaining electrolysis and SRS. I just want to get out of transition!!!
Read a little of the book Reagan: A Life in Letters over at the book store. I figure though that maybe I'll pick it up later when I get done with all my other mags. OMG there's so many. I had cashed in some airline miles (which I never use) to get mags and so now I have Vogue, Shape, National Geographic, PSM, and more showing up in my mailbox. Eeeek!
So most of my night was spent reading this or that besides the aforementioned novel. Made quite a dent, but November's Vogue is well over 500 pages long. Heck, the HP "You" ad in it is 20 pages long. I'm telling you this is a brick. I'd hate to know what the postage is multiplied by their current subscription base.
Wednesday, 2003.10.22:
Picked up Nickelback's The Long Road and Go from Vertical Horizon. The cool thing about TLR is that the Walmart version has a link to download a bonus acoustic track. (I don't know if Walmart censored any of the tracks though. Beware of that!)
Tried on the Halloween costume last night. Ugh. Some days I loathe my body. It could be worse but it ain't great. I'm beginning to wonder if I should have chosen to be Bo Peep instead.
By the way, the Pit Bull energy drink isn't bad at all.
Thursday, 2003.10.23:
Saw my doc this morning for a routine checkup on my oh-so-high blood pressure. It's funny but these days he just has this stupid kind of grin on his face everytime we meet. I'm not really sure what to make of it but it was not like this before full-time.
Friday, 2003.10.24:
Steve tells me that Kira's in town so we went out to dinner with them. I met Kira's sister and her husband---I don't think they have a clue about me.
Saturday, 2003.10.25:
Went out with Kyle and Kira to get some supplies for this weekend. We're cooking the feast of feasts. Kyle was requested to use his supreme cooking skills for a party of 16. I kid you not. So here we were on an early Saturday morning hitting markets to get supplies. But I found myself tired and huddled in Kyle's car for a few minutes. I scribbled on my Palm:
I am shivering in the back of my friend's car on the verge of screaming and just thinking about how fucked up my life is right now. I have made some really bad scheduling errors and the heavy price is that I have double-booked myself. I have also come to the conclusion that the only way to simplify my life right now is to cut back on my dreams.A few markets later and it was time for a brunch. Kyle knows this 4-star restaurant and the wait staff knows him by first name.
I keep getting the sense that I am adrift in my own life. What I want is someone to lean on for a while and guide me. Changing gender roles has opened up so many new areas of personal development that I feel I'm constantly playing catch-up. That is such a bad thing. I should be having the time of my life right now but I'm perpetually tired. If only I could make time to accomplish it all and be conscious at the same time.
I know another component of my demise is that I cannot let go. I have been reinventing my life whilst holding on to my old connections. Not to mention fighting lots of little battles with my parents and old friends. There are many days now where I wish I could wipe the slate clean. But as said many times before, be careful what you wish for--- you just might get it! I believe that if I don't do something soon that I will truly be alone and totally lost in reclusion.
Oh what a strange life this is: half empty and half full at the same time.
Starting last Monday things just went to Heck. (That was the day I ended up with Jen and Sarah doing a fast food dinner followed by running around to the mall for costume supplies.) Tuesday I just ended up trying to work on the web site and found out my old utility for text subsitution has an error in it. So I need to rewrite the replacement engine. That's just going to take more time and I can't be working on it right now because I'm shopping.
Which brings me to the fact I am still stuck on Kyle's cold leather seats doing the sit-down version of the Pee-Pee Dance. I hope he gets back soon so we can get to a bathroom...
It was totally delish---and the portions
were just the right size for me. Kyle loves the place so much he ordered
two (yes two) plates for himself, one being his beloved French toast.
I think I had a crab cake with hollandaise
sauce and herbal greens on top. Kira had some kind of omlette.We somehow ended up in the new Chinatown in a store selling restaurant supplies. We went through dozens of boxes trying to find sets of 16 plates, cups, and dishes for serving Kyle's creations. In the end we had like $150 worth of all this china packed in his car and it weighed a ton...
Back at home it was prep time. I learned how to devein prawns. Kira's totally a pro at this. With a knife in one hand she'd grab a prawn and in one deft motion zip! the back would be open and the vein in the garbage bag. It took me a few tries but I got the hang of it. The sucky thing about this was that the juices made everything sticky and so the prawn innards were soon sticking to my hands and I couldn't just flick them off. Ew! It took a hard washing to get all that off.
Next up was de-shelling the $250 worth of crab. Talk about messy. There were little bits that didn't boil so well and so we threw them in another pot to be recooked. It wasn't pretty but we got through it. The rest of the afternoon was a blur.
...
In the late afternoon Steve and I got ready to head out from Kyle's since we had a wedding banquet to attend. Both of us got into nicer clothes and headed out to this Chinese restaurant. It was kind of strange not having had a proper wedding ceremony before the dinner, but it was some private event that most people probably wouldn't have wanted to go to. As we sat around our tables eating it was clear there were a number at the table who had never experienced jellyfish or a whole cod that stares back at you. The shark's fin soup was so-so---I've had good soup before and there's nothing quite like it. At the end they had cake and stuff and pictures.
Sunday, 2003.10.26:
I wanted to get to a department store before I headed back to Kyle's today, but I totally forgot about Daylight Savings ending. So I get to the store around 9:50a that is supposed to open at 9:00a but they're closed. Then more people keep coming over to the locked doors bafgled then walking over to the sign with hours posted. An employee circled outside reminding people that it was actually 8:50a. Heh.
So it was off to Kyle's to help with prep. Today was more cooking than prep like we did yesterday. Kyle's cleaning ladies came over at some point and Kyle drafted them into helping other people outside assemble some satay skewered chicken.
The coconut rice was so fragrant thanks to Kyle's secrets of the right amounts of ginger and something called a pandan leaf---New Zealand flax to be exact. The crab cakes were coming along and the garnishings were all prepped. The dessert was a total flop. Kyle had this idea to make these sort of fresh fruit tarts but we were making our own cookie crumble base, but it just wouldn't stick together. We scrapped that instead for a real treat: a chocolate salami. (More on that later.) Anyways, after a hurried morning and afternoon it was time to change and drive to our destination house.
It was a nice house---the kind you'd expect a director of a company to own. Big rooms, expansive backyard, and really expensive things all over. We set up things in the kitchen for this 9 (yes, 9) course meal. Four of us went: Steve, Pam, Kyle, and myself. Steve went outside and started the Malay-style BBQ. Pam, Kyle, and I started prepping the first course. Guests finally started arriving in the midst of this all and soon it was showtime.
I don't remember all the dishes, but then included skewered chicken, satay sauce over beans, crab cakes with an herbal salad, some vegetarian Indian dish with chick peas, lobster in red sauce, and some kind of drizzle pancake. In between he served in tall shot glasses this sort of Italian sorbet with pomegranate and at the end he finished it off with a mixture of cocoa and something else which was rolled and then sliced to make the chocolate salami. We are talking top notch ingredients, 4-star restaurant presentation, and a smorgasboard of tastes that make the palate dance.
During this long stretch the four of us were running in circles prepping, serving, entertaining, cleaning, and preparing for the next courses that we hardly got a bite to eat. Add to that the host's son got home in time for dinner and instead of 16 guests now we were serving 17. Oh, and it gets better: it was really a 7 course meal with 2 options for the vegetarians. But since Kyle's dishes were so popular most people ordered both the veggie and the non-veggie dishes on each course. We were very fortuate to not have run out of food---in fact we used every morsel of that lobster in red sauce down to the bottom of the pot!
In the end, though, I don't think there was anyone who couldn't say that they had just had one of the finest meals in this valley. Our host was so thankful that Kyle had said that he would serve all these people. The host's wife loved the china that we used to serve the guests so much that she named a price and bought the servingware right there on the spot. (At least it meant less things for us to carry home and clean.) But, I think at that point Steve, Pam, Kyle, and myself were just so tired we couldn't think of anything but going home. We shook hands, collected our things, then left. There was the physical exertion that lingered when we finally reached home base, though I think there was a great sense of accomplishment that was felt yet unspoken.
Monday, 2003.10.27:
Finally took Pei and Cheryl out to a proper dinner to celebrate their birthdays that I missed while I was out on vacation. Mmm...Italian. We spent a while catching up on everyone's jobs and relationships and who's moved to what new place. It was cool.
It's funny. My friends that I meet these days are shifting quite dramatically towards being more female than male. I think I've always had a mixture of male and female friends, but as long as I was doing the Guy Thing I tended to stick around guys more because of the nature of activities we chose. Now, most of the time I'm doing food, shopping, or movies with these people---and most of the ones who are interested in that are girls. Cool, eh?
Tuesday, 2003.10.28:
Saw my optometrist today and requested contacts. He said that because I have astigmatism that finding lenses that will fit is going to be a challenge. I got fitted anyways though and was given some sample lenses to practice with. The good thing is that there are lenses out there that are close enough to my prescription to possibly be of use. The bad thing is that I wanted them before Halloween because I can't wear glasses for my costume. Oh well, looks like by the time the real lenses come in that Halloween will be a fading memory.
But, geez, got another infuriating piece of mail from my Dad. Long story behind it but let's just say it doesn't make me want to talk to him for a long while.
Wednesday, 2003.10.29:
Tuck #101 is out today. Cool.
New word of the day: jeremiad. Writings or speech expressing bitter lament or some fortelling of doom.
I've been practicing the whole smoky eye thing for a while and I think I may have found a way that seems to work. The problems I'm facing is that because of Asian features I don't really have any eyelids to work with and the upper eyelids fold under. I've found that if you rim the upper eyelid extra thick and blend lightly towards the lower lid it seems to work. I'd ask my other Asian girlfriends about this but a good number do not use cosmetics. Oh well.
I'm so happy I have another electrolysis appointment today! NOT. When will this ever end?! I mean I'm 99% clear but that remaining 1% tags on forever. I should just pluck my own. Oh, wait, I still have genital electrolysis to complete. ARGH! When will this ever end?! What a world... What a world... what a world...
I went to Steve's after my session and just crashed. It totally threw off my schedule because after I woke up and drove back home it was around 5:00a and I had to be up around 6:30a. Ugh.
Thursday, 2003.10.30:
All day spent at a computer conference. Ah, being among my g33k bretheren fills my soul and my eyes runneth with water. Um, yeah. Right. Well, it was informative and I got a few giveaways from it. Too bad we don't get cool toys like we used to in '99 when the Internet boom was going on and everyone was throwing gadgets at you in hopes to hook you onto their company. Oh well...
The scariest part today was driving home it was bumper to bumper traffic. And then there's that split second where someone decides to come to a full and complete stop on the freeway and I didn't notice it until the last millisecond. I slammed on my brakes (and my car stops very well) and then prayed hard that the people behind me would slam on theirs (because their cars might not stop so well). I don't think anyone hit but there were a few tense moments there. After leaving the scene I was very nervous and very awake.
Stayed up watching TV with my roomie. Started laying down the black nail polish in the meanwhile---geez this stuff goes on thick.
Friday, 2003.10.31:
Party! Party! Party!
Today's Halloween and oh what a Halloween it was. So I had been out multiple times getting stuff for my costume and I decided to do with punk/goth vampiress. I have naturally dark hair (so no need for a black wig) but just to accent that a "little" I got black nail polish, thick black eyeliner, fangs (of course), a mesh black top, red/black plaid skirt (replete with skulls on the zippers), torn black stockings, and kick-ass black boots. Oh, did I mention the black riveted leather collar and bracelet? I was evil looking. My true form revealed! Ha!
I had been prototyping for a few days and I figured I might as well try it out at work before tonight's party to just get some of the kinks out. So there I was looking all sinister in my cube all day. The other ppl at work did nurses and cowboys/girls. One person dressed up as a chicken. It was fun tho. By the end of the day, tho, my shoes were killing me.
After work we got out the helium tank, black lights, and alcohol. Finally the house was transformed from an ordinary looking suburban abode into a funky looking dance hall/chemistry lab. After all the kiddies had finished trick-or-treating at our doorstep our guests were beginning to arrive. People started bringing food while Andrew put on the laptop music rigged to an LCD projector. Boom boom boom went the bass while lights and the smoke machine filled the dance floor. Black lighting and a WinAMP visualization played on the TV in the dining room. Black drapes segmented the rooms in the house from each other without barring passage. And happy punch was flowing from a large black cauldron in the kitchen. At one point I think we had about 20 people in the house.
The night wore on and we danced, ate, drank, and just generally had wholesome fun. We had a costume contest at some point and were handing out prizes---they were movie passes and videos and some handcuffs. The winners were an angel, a gothic count, and a land shark. Some people then got back up to dance, others started gathering their things to go home. When the party was over there were still like 8 of us just sitting around eating leftovers and sucking on helium balloons. You should have heard Christian, though. Funny!
I finally hung up my fangs for the evening, stripped the makeup and fake blood off my face, and stripped off the black nail polish. I crawled into bed warm and happy. I thought it was a good day.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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