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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Wednesday, 2004.06.02:
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On the plus side my room is pretty clean. The cats are on the bed purring away. I just renewed my Epi-Pen prescription so I'm "protected" for another year. And my desktop has been running stable since last Friday morning. (It's a real nice feeling, really.)
While surfing around for other stuff I came across a TS SO's page: On Being the Partner of a Transsexual. I thought it was a cool article. One interesting note was that Kythryne is probably about 23 today, 21 when she wrote the article. Her partner, Amy, then is a late teens transitioner. Anyways, I found it somehow warming and touching...
I'm listening to Ferry Corsten's new Right of Way CD. This thing has really grown on me. I like how its lyrical melodies swoop and swerve atop the undercurrent of bass beats. Ah, when I tire of this maybe I'll take up another friend's advice and get the Keane CD. hehehe...
Saturday, 2004.06.05:
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So I was playing Scabble and some one laid down
P-L-A-N. There I was sitting trying to figure
out how to use my letter "Z" in the mix while capturing the
triple word score. Gee, and there was a triple letter score
too. ("Z" is worth 5, "P" is worth 2.)
And then it dawned on me:Hey, if I put the "Z" down there and the "T" and I use my wildcard...Then it was clear. In one direction the "T" completed "PLANT" and in the other direction...
*** 60 points awarded to player1: 'plant': 2 + 1 + 1 + 1 + 1. 'zibet': (5x3 + 1 + 0 + 1 + 1)x3Boo yeah! Two words, triple word score, triple letter score, and the highest-scoring letter in the game. That pretty much clinched my victory. Final score:
- Opponent: 173
- Me: 238
Sunday, 2004.06.06:
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Yesterday was a nice visit with some old friends. They've been sort of aloof for a while, but considering they're busy with their new baby boy I think it's quite understandable. Little Jason is doing well and he's sure getting a lot of attention from the proud parents. After a good long breast feeding (which was quite a shock for me since it was the first time I had seen it in person, and by a friend at that) Jason was all quiet and content. Every two hours he gets fed. Poor Kim, that's a lot of milk! And poor Kim, she had to change his nappy. Uh, that was gross.
But little Jas was back and wanted some cuddle time. At some point Kim asked if I'd like to hold him. Why not? So there he was in my arms a few moments later burbling and smiling. Awww! It was so cute the way he sorta buried his nose into my side as I cradled him. He can't speak or do anything except eat, poop, and make little noises. (I figured it would be impossible for me to train him to say "gigabit ethernet full-duplex interface card".) Right there, his warm little body was, I don't know, placid. It sucks not being able to have kids of your own.
Thursday, 2004.06.10:
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So I'm tapering off HRT in prep for SRS in just a few weeks. It's a lot closer than I would like to admit! Anyways I had thought about stepping down in dosage to provide a smooth ramp-down. But then a couple things dawned on me. One, I'm taking spironolactone which helps mitigate testosterone levels. Two, I'm using patches and so if I just leave the patch on in about 6 days it'll automatically taper off for me---according to the enclosed literature. So in a few more days I expect I'll be feeling the effects of no estradiol. Whee. Joy joy.
July 6 is looming close. I'm looking forward to it with a strong sense of reservation. I think I understand what I am getting myself into, but it's hard to comprehend it entirely because it's something that really just needs to be experienced.
Friday, 2004.06.11:
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So, I'm sitting on the invalid ring right now (the "donut"). It's kinda funny feeling. But the fact that a pillowcase is on it makes it a little more bearable---a tip from Jen.
I just got my boxes of lube in. Yay. 24 tubes (2 boxes) of Surgilube from Mountain View Medical Supply. They seemed to have a reasonable price even including their S&H charges I think it works out cheaper.
I've got most of my other supplies as well. A neat little stack of things is accumulating in my room.
Saturday, 2004.06.12:
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Ooo...keyboard good.
So I finally updated my desktop sound drivers and I can capture audio up to 192 KHz, so I'm pretty stoked about that. I'm most likely going to resample my entire sample library to get better quality---probably 96 KHz stereo samples.
While playing around with the piano instrument I figured out some chords that I liked so I figured, what the hey, let's write another sketch. Here it is...
Untitled Sample. (1:53)The part that was actually the 96 KHz sampling is the piano fill, not the melody. (The melody was just recorded live on a separate track.) Gee, I wish I could pick a genre.
Listen: MP3 (2.0 MB)
(Melodic trance. Electric groove. Rock. Smooth jazz.)
Friday, 2004.06.18:
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Sorry for not updating things. Work is getting crazy. A bunch of other colleagues are taking off on vacations and so there's fewer of us to get the work done. The good news is we're getting some contractors in to help. The bad news is that we still have to train them... Ugh.
Anyways, I wrote this in the car today...
I am sitting outside in my car waiting for the shop to open is doors. Here I find myself at a curious lull---probably the most calm part of this day. As I sip my warm chai a memory comes back, as if pushing forth from the fog of my childhood memory.
In this moment I am probably 11 or 12 and returning home from middle school. It is about a mile---maybe less---from my home. I'm skipping.
For an unknown reason I am doing this. And in that moment I find some sort of weird peace but at the same time shame. I don't understand why I feel this way. I wonder who's watching. Embarrassment. Shame. So after a block I stop and return to walking.
Boys shouldn't skip. That was ingrained into my consciousness--- like it was part of my Prime Directives. Boys should not be sissies. Boys shouldn't cry. But I did/do. Why is it so wrong, I asked myself while I continued my walk.
I remember taking a deep breath and thinking: boys don't do these things because boys just don't. Don't ask questions. They just don't.
And for years hence repression became one of my Prime Directives.
My cup of chai drained, I remind myself that in the next months I'll be going through surgery. Maybe if I had kept up with repression that I could have had a relatively normal life. But there are all these weird things that I now attribute to GID that would continue to bug me. And once I knew transitioning was possible I could no longer shut out my desires. I still believe that there have to be other ways of dealing with GID. But I strangely find myself at a loss as to what other viable alternatives exist for me.
Saturday, 2004.06.19:
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Someone recently asked me if I feel any different with me having now stepped off of HRT since about last week. I have to say I really don't notice much change---then again I am still taking spironolactone. I did notice I'm a bit more irritable than normal but I don't know if that might be more related to stress.
But. Then again ...
I was driving back from Kara's tonight after having been out and about with some friends from out of town. As the road drifted by my mind wandered and suddenly I began to feel depressingly sad. This was an unusual feeling for me so that is why I remember it well.
I was thinking about SRS and about how it will change me physically. And beyond that how it will impact me emotionally. Everywhere I go now I always feel like a tranny. (And I really don't want to make it sound like it's a bad thing.) It's just that having to tuck all the time is a constant reminder that something is wrong. And tonight, amidst all the other trannies at our table, I had got to thinking: I'm about to become more anatomically correct. OK, I know that thought doesn't quite jive with the previous sentence but let me explain...
Once this procedure is completed there will be much less to differentiate me from most other women out there. (Sure there are a million things you could point out that are giveaway clues.) What I think I mean is that I should be able to blend into society for the most part without most people knowing. I can go places and do things that are currently restricted only to people with vaginas (or at least people who don't have protruding genetalia).
I think the most curious thing about this feeling is that I feel like once surgery is over and done with in the next couple weeks I wonder if I'll drift away from the trans community altogether. Not like I actively participate in it today, but just that because I'll be trying to restart my life that will take up time. And that means less time online, less time in group chats, less time with friends.
No, I don't know this for sure. Maybe I'm just all tired and emotional so I'm whining. But it feels like I'm about to leave something behind. Something big, something very personal. It's not like I feel like I'm making a mistake. But it's like I'm about to cut away the last of the anchors that are holding me back from progressing... Do you know what I mean?
Wednesday, 2004.06.23:
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I miss estrogen. I honestly can say that when I started on antiandrogens and then estrogen patches that I didn't feel all that different. I knew I was more susceptible to emotional ups and downs but I didn't feel like my personality changed. Well, now that it has been over a week since I threw away that last estradiol patch and I'm feeling, well, antsy. Even with spironolactone doing its job I have been feeling more tense, almost angry/aggressive, and a tad bit horny. Dammit. I can't believe that I didn't notice the changes when I started with HRT! But now I feel the contrast, however subtle it is. Testosterone is really an evil thing, I think.
Thursday, 2004.06.24:
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Today was my last day at work for quite a while. At the end of the day I closed my mailbox, turned off my VPN connection, and popped out the battery from my pager. Yes, a total disconnection from work. Well, in truth I have a few things left to do like set my vacation messages and send in my final status report. But maybe I can get that done by midday. One chapter closed.
SRS is about 12 days away now and we're in the final stretches. My mind wanders a lot these days. I keep thinking how life will be like post-op. I mean, I know that I am not going to be all that different ... and yet ... I sense I will be. As I have written before, I have a lot of stigma still hanging around me because of tucking. I know it sounds silly but having a penis is a constant reminder that something isn't right. It makes me more hesitant in many situations---especially involving those that I have some interest in.
Right now I'm preparing for the picnic this weekend. It will be an interesting one because there are going to be people there that I haven't seen in ages. It is supposed to be a reunion of sorts, bringing back people in the community that have affected my life in one way or another. There are going to be people there that I first met when I was starting out in '98/'99. What a trip it has been.
So many changes since then. All towards a goal of self-realization and harmony. Some times transition seems really, um, superfluous? It makes me think of the times in the beginning when I first scoured the 'Net over my sluggish modem in the dark of my bedroom late into the night when my roommates were asleep. Once I had begun to learn about this thing called "transsexuality" it resonated with something so deep, so secretive, so suppressed that I had to know more. I soaked up stories, information, resources. And in the end I knew I had to make a decision. I chose transition.
Maybe I shouldn't have chosen it. Life would have been more simple and straightforward. I would have had a predictable progression of events. I probably would have been married with kids and owning a house by now. I'd be living the yuppie lifestyle. I probably would be in management. And I probably would have always wondered, "what if I had chosen to transition." It's that last thought that really bugs me.
I had to find out. I had to experiment. I had to unlock all that suppressed pain, shame, and emotion. I knew I would regret not having delved into my soul's desires just because I was afraid of where it would lead. And I was afraid. Because I knew that if what I felt was strong enough then it would probably destroy my life as I knew it. In a way it sort of did.
I still think I live a pretty normal lifestyle. I exercise, pay my bills, work in an office, and try to enjoy the company of my friends. But it's all weird now. Here I am, late 20s, having done what I had at once thought to be almost impossible. I've done a gender role transition. Done. Finis.
I think I'm almost adjusted to this new life. I no longer really fret about my appearance, I get by on a daily basis fairly well, and I'm socially acclimating. What lies next is sort of the completion of my transition, and because of that I'll probably be taking a hiatus in the near future. I've been saying that for quite a while, but I mean it now. I've spent so much energy and time on transition that I know I need to begin placing my efforts in other areas. I want to return to school. I have lots of personal projects. And should I be fortunate enough to find a relationship I know that is a serious time commitment---but one well worth it.
No one knows what the next stage will bring. I'm almost tearful when I think about what it means to fully embrace this new life. I know I'm going to be living more in 3-D and less on the Net if I can help it. I have verified in the past year that I really am a socially-oriented creature and I thrive in environments with a lot of human interaction. My goal is to try to change my working and home environments to be more conducive to this. Wish me luck.
What else has been going on? I've been busy rearranging the house to make it easier for me to get around in it when I'm all messed up. "No lifting anything," my therapist reminds me. Yeah, I know. My roomie and I have rearranged the kitchen so most of my foodstuffs and cooking equipment are at torso level. I've got my heavy music equipment all hooked up to the computer as well---I don't need to rearrange them anymore. And I'm getting my suitcase ready for travel. I'm trying to go all carry-on.
Went up to the City to visit with friends and ended up talking to one of them in her apartment until like 3:00a. Ugh. I love chats but it's these all-night sessions that really get me. And I know I have to be up at 6:00a for the regularly-scheduled walk. Oh, I am going to be so tired today.
Friday, 2004.06.25:
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I think I've finally found the reason why I will choose to cease communications with some of my old friends from college. There are those who are actually considerate of other people's feelings and those that are not. I'm finding the latter to be self-centered and oblivious to the point of hurting me emotionally. And because of that I know I cannot stay in that sort of environment. Boy am I glad I moved out from under their social structure last year.
How it happened was that I was talking to Steve earlier this week about how I was thinking of having one get-together for my non-T friends (e.g. college buddies, local friends) that have stuck with me through this transition phase. And then I was going to have a separate gathering for my T-friends who I've known for years in this Community of ours. Well, since I have been drifting away from my college buds and some of the local friends I was thinking of inviting may show up at the picnic tomorrow anyways, I figured tonight's meeting wasn't going to happen. Steve instead took the initiative and rounded up the college gang.
So there we were at dinner: Steve, Seth, Kelly, Wayne, Rod, and me. During the entire night Seth and Kelly pretty much ignored me. Not like actively ignorning, but the whole point of the dinner was sort of a celebration of sorts and they really didn't participate at all in that part. So everyone else ended up talking about video games, housing, or the Iron Chef. Stuff like that. That left me feeling a bit odd.
You might say that maybe I'm sort of selfish for thinking that we'd actually use this opportunity to reflect on the events that are about to occur in my life, but nah. Not a word from most of them about it. Nope, it turned out to be a typical night out with the bunch and quite frankly I was getting bored.
Not everyone was being all ignorant. No, I give props to Rod and Steve. They're OK in my book. The others, well, let me say they're not bad people at all. No, but since I'm not getting positive vibes from them there isn't any point to me being there like an uninvited guest. What's worse, Seth still hasn't gotten the names/pronons right. Wayne does get it right, but he's just ... oh, I don't know, astonishingly dense some days to the point that I don't think he knows what "empathy" is.
As a result, I'm typing this out because I'm more than a little bit depressed about it. (Yeah, blogging is cheap therapy for me.) I'd love to get Seth, Kelly, and Wayne to understand, but since I don't think they'll get it there isn't any point to trying. OK, so I'm a bit angry about that too. I recall a conversation Seth and I had last year which just highlighted the fact that he will probably never think of me as a girl. And espeically with my own insecurities that was really making me extra-fearful of everything.
What it comes down to, for me at least, is that I need to be in a social environment that is conducive to a positive transition. I made the choice to jump to Girl Mode for the rest of my life and I need all the reinforcement I can get while I'm in this nascent stage. If I don't get a good solid foundation it would be akin to a child being neglected during their early years. I want to become strong, move beyond all that is transsexuality, and become successful in all areas of my life. And I can't do that with me feeling negative towards anyone around me. It does nobody any service.
Saturday, 2004.06.26:
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Today was a good day to have a weenie roast. Seeing as how I'm off to see the Doctor in a week and a bit it seemed like a perfect opportunity to do a little celebration. It was a beautiful, clear, warm day. I got to Kara's place probably around 10:30a-ish and we all soon loaded up in our cars. The park was like right around the corner from her place and so we got there in no time. Marianne brought some of her habañero-marinated tri-tip. Oh man! Delish! We also had out assorted things brought by everyone. It was a real nice gathering of a bunch of people that have been with me along this long, strange journey. Oh, and the name of this weenie roast: Wangapalooza '04.
Sunday, 2004.06.27:
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I had this little thought that spawned from a bunch of people asking me today "are you nervous about surgery?" and it turned into a rambling. I mean, my general response to people is that, yeah, I'm going to have surgery and it's no big deal. And that I'm glad I'm getting 5 or so weeks off from work to go and decompress. I wouldn't use the word "jaded" to describe my lack of excitement over SRS. No, it's just that I've always been looking far beyond surgery to see what I can do with my life and now that time is within grasp. I just wonder if I'll really sieze my new lease on life?
Tuesday, 2004.06.29:
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I wuv my new little laptop. Such a happy little computer! Aside from the brief setup problems it has been running quite well. I highly recommend the Fujitsu S6210---just be sure to get a RAM upgrade because the extra memory helps make up for the lack of speed.
On the other hand, I don't wuv my new cellular phone. After dissolving the shared plan I had with my parental units I was forced to choose a new plan. I was highly considering changing service providers because I wasn't all that happy with mine. However, since my parents just signed up for their plans they had done all the research over the various other providers out there---I had read all the materials they brought back. The Samsung X426 has a great size, nice display, and good battery life. But the menu system feels slow and cumbersome. Also, the T9 really could use some better instructions on it as well as highlighting the current word it is trying to help you spell.
I had dinner with my parents tonight. It was really really strange. I mean they still call me Andrew and use "he" and "his", making no obvious effort to switch names/pronouns. And, yet, we got along just fine. My Dad and I even hit a couple of computer stores together. No problems! And, and, and later my Dad was saying he had seen some stuff on Renee Richards and Georgina Beyer. Both my parents seem to be comfortable around me and yet not. Really strange.
Wednesday, 2004.06.30:
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When things go wrong sometimes they go wrong in spades. I was helping a friend in the City move out of her apartment and it just sucked. She had way more stuff than I could have ever imagined. There were boxes in the hallway, the bedroom, the bathroom, the closet, the kitchen. Parts of racks and tables were strewn about the open bits of carpet. It was unbelievable how much she had...
We decided to try to stash some of her things in another friend's place. So we loaded up my little car with all the stuff---yay for roomy hatchbacks. In fact, there was so much stuff that it wouldn't fit in it so we broke down a couple of boxes and used the shirts that were inside them to line the odd spaces in the trunk. But we managed to fit it. Of course by the time we returned from running that trip we still came back to an apartment lined with boxes in the hallway, bedroom, bathroom ...
It was actually mid-afternoon when we started working on the rest of the things and it was clear that we were late. When we got down to the truck rental place they couldn't fulfil our friend's reservation. Oh great. So not only were we running late but we had no truck. They directed us to another center a ways away. There we spent like an hour sorting out the truck and some storage space. This was its own special disaster.
Firstly, the truck is this beat up P.O.S. with a crooked front bumper, dents all over, scrapes on the fenders, and ratty seats. This small thing is supposed to carry all her stuff? Sheeyeah... Oh, it gets better. So we go and take a look at her supposed rental space in the storage building. Sure, it's at a discounted price but we find out why it's discounted: it has a pole in the middle of it! Not like a pipe, no, more like a 1.5' diameter pillar. Obviously a space like this isn't going to fit a desk or something.
After that stupid debacle of trying to get a larger storage unit (which of course costs more!) we got directions to try to weave us through the traffic back to her place. Well, we talked to two separate people and we finally went with one of their sets of directions. That made us get onto the wrong set of roads which made us get stuck in the evening traffic on local streets. By the time we returned to her apartment it was obvious that we were not going to be able to make it back to the storage place before they closed. Ack!
Now we're up in her place just sulking and resting. We can't do much more today than to try to load the truck between tonight and tomorrow.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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