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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Tuesday, 2005.03.01:
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The last thing I remember from yesterday was laying in my gurney in bay #10. I was given some valium, antibiotics, and a couple other things. Kara and her mom did come to my bedside somewhere around 3:30p---the schedules were a little late. But then I must have dozed off.
It's funny that after SRS I was really lucid---this time I remember very little. I came to around 10:00p I think. I was laying in my bed and the world seemed distant. I do recall being hooked up to a catheter and being slightly cold. Then I think I lost consciousness again until about 2:00a when I remember waking up thinking it was really dark outside. After that things were pretty fuzzy until this morning. Then events just seemed to happen in rapid succession.
- 6:15a: Kara's mom came by to say her goodbyes since I probably wouldn't get another chance to see her.
- 7:00a: Anurse came in and removed my catheter (which is always fun).
- 8:00a: Dr. Meltzer popped by all cheery and energetic---how does he do it? He said things looked great even though I thought it looked (and still does look) ugly.
- 9:00a: I got some medication to take and my breakfast order was taken.
- 9:30a: A friend called in.
- 10:00a: Breakfast of fruit and oatmeal.
- 11:00a: Got up to use the restroom for the first time.
- 1:00p: Dropped off at the hotel by Dr. Meltzer's staff.
Well, I'm in a little pain now. The nerves are waking up and now realizing they're not at all happy being moved around. I'm eyeing the bottle of vicodin and thinking about taking a pill.
Another weird thing: my voice was really really hoarse. I mean, I know I have had a cold and all, but it was super scratchy.
...
Wow. Bret just called seeing if I wanted to go out skiing. If I wasn't stuck in this bed with my microwave meal ailing from surgery I would have jumped at the chance to say "yes"! Apparently he had no clue I was out here in Arizona. As much as it pained me to say, I had to tell him "um, no, I think I'll be too travel weary to go." Well, that's a half-truth. But, the good thing is we're going out to a concert in a week and a half, so I'm happy about that.
I don't know about this guy. He's nice, has similar interests in music, but he's kinda aloof sometimes. I don't know! Grr... I guess I'll just see how things go...
Wednesday, 2005.03.02:
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Whee. Time to go home. I'm finally catching my breath in the couple hours I have before my plane leaves Scottsdale. I'm a bit sore at the moment---Vicodin does wonders for the pain but leaves me nauseous. Lesson learned. I'm stopping the Vicodin. Instead I'm turning to my good friend 3 Musketeers to distract me. (Mmm...yummy chocolate filling...) My thoughts drift elsewhere at the moment.
Kara will be on her way home soon too. She's over the hardest parts and seems to be handling the recovery OK. Dilation seems to go easy for her. She was moving around pretty good today, making round trip walks from Greenbaum to our hotel and back without much ado. In fact, after her catheter was removed we all walked back to the hotel a couple blocks away.
Me, I'm still spotting quite a bit and the "down there" area looks horrible. But I'm at least somewhat comforted by Dr. Meltzer's words that it looked pretty good. (I can only assume that he has enough experience in this area to know how it will ultimately turn out.) I did manage to speak to another person I know that had labiaplasty late last year and she said things turned out great. My fingers are crossed.
I hope that labiaplasty will be the last major surgery I have for a long time. I hate needles and hospitals. I also hate sitting at home wishing I was out with Bret and his friends skiing this weekend. Grr. But, soon enough. Soon enough. If I can get in shape then this summer will really rock.
I go back to work on Monday. I'm probably going to request for limited hours at work, but I'll show up each day for work. I don't have any more time off I can spare---I used almost all of it up on this trip.
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OH. MY. GOODNESS.
After flying back home (which wasn't fun), having dinner (which was less fun), and taking a much needed shower (which was sorta fun), I settled down for the night. But before doing so I wanted to really get some good photos of the surgery site. After all, if I'm going to be rubbing bacitracin on it I ought to know exactly what I'm working with, right?
OH. MY. GOODNESS.
I have never seen anything as gross up close as this! This takes "ew" to a whole new level beyond anything I can describe. And, quite frankly, the photos are disturbing enough that it makes me quiver just thinking about them. I mean, the photos on Anne Lawrence's site are pretty disturbing but mine are much worse. As a result I'm refusing to ever post these pics.
GOOD GRIEF.
Ughghhhhhh...! And because you rub bacitracin on both the outside incisions and the inside ones means you have to feel this stuff. The texture is like a shower curtain with a row of staples in it. Only the thing is attached to you. I just hope that the end result is going to be worth it! (Look at the last pic on Anne's labiaplasty page.)
I've also been keeping pressure on the mons with some control top pantyhose. I guess that'll also be going on my shopping list.
...
Charlene picked me up at the airport and we went out for dinner with Steve and Miki. In the course of dinner we were talking about guys that the girls had dated and somehow my past came up. Charlene turned to me and said in reference to me, "[Back in college] I thought, 'hey, that guy is kinda cute'. It's funny how we can talk about that now." Yeah, it is kinda funny. *blush*
Maybe I shouldn't mention how even this one gay guy thought I was cute too...
hehehe...
Thursday, 2005.03.03:
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And now it's Amber's Too-Much-Information Hour.
Woke up earlyish with an upset stomach. I always get one when I wear clothes that are a bit tight. Consider I was wearing the control top pantyhose all last night over the mons... So this morning started with an uncomfy amount of indigestion. Did you know that Fresh Choice is now almost $12/person?! Well, I guess that meal came and went...
Friday, 2005.03.04:
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I'm scared, I'll kid you not. I took out my set of dilators for the first time since last Sunday. It has been 5 full days since my last dilation. The last time I looked into the gaping hole that is my new vagina I could not tell the difference between the urethra and the vaginal opening. That is really worrisome. Add to the oozing and spotting I've been having, I'm really dreading tomorrow. I'm going to probably try with the 2-Taper first just to make sure I hit the right area, then we'll work up from there. I am just hoping that my original plan of using the #5 is going to work out. I can deal with stepping down a size, but I am hoping not to have lost depth.
The pain in the mons and labia is still pretty constant. It's at its worst when I go from a resting position to a standing one. I've learned to get up very very slowly.
On the up-side, my room is almost but not quite clean. I spent almost the entire day filing, sorting, cleaning, and moving. A huge pile of CDs that needed to be ripped to MP3s is now done. My files for taxes are almost in order. All bills are accounted for. And a mass of receipts accumulated since last November are now in their proper place. If I only had another week off I might be even able to catch up on my stack of magazines unread... (Well, that's wishful thinking.)
Sunday, 2005.03.06:
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Ow. The worst part about dilation is that I can feel the dilator passing over the raw labia edges. Nevermind all the oozing and discoloration of the skin folds. No, the labia are hypersensitive. The only good part about this (hopefully) is that it means that there are plenty of nerves lining the labia edges---which means I'll be able to feel things down there.
I thought I'd almost never see my 2-Taper before but now it's a virtual necessity. I tried the 3 after that and I was able to get it in, barely. Things are pretty tight down there.
...
Went out to see Walk on Water last night with Dave and Mina. Sitting for that long was pretty difficult. I ended up sitting on my hands to sort of relieve pressure here and there.
Thursday, 2005.03.24:
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I'm sitting here atop my unkempt bed, laundered clothes at one end, William Gibson's Pattern Recognition at the other, waiting for my instant oatmeal to finish its cook cycle in the microwave. The stillness of the night is only punctuated by that weird clanking sound my refrigerator makes when it shuts itself off. This is one of those few nights where everything seems calm.
Life has been hectic and uncomfortable these past few weeks, which is mainly the reason why I haven't had time to write. The recovery from labiaplasty hasn't been fun in the least, and every time I attempt to dilate I'm reminded amply of how much transition just sucks. I just hope things will get better in the coming weeks such that I can get back to normal speed.
I suppose you want to hear about the labiaplasty, eh? Your experience will probably be different, but I have to say it has been painful and I haven't had a good night's rest in well over a month. I think it has been a combination of things like having had liposuction down there on the mons pubis and me having uber-sensitive skin. (Trying to sleep with eczema raging over half your body doesn't allow one to drift into slumber without a fight.) I tried taking the pain killers but they just make me nauseous on top of all the other itching. So I just did what I always do: tough it out.
Appearance-wise, labiaplasty was necessary. Despite how still-ugly and swollen the vulva is, I do have to say it was a required step. So that brings our surgery total to about $22,500 ($17.1K for vaginoplasty, $4.3K for labiaplasty), and I understand those costs are only rising. It's ridiculous, IMO, that these things are so expensive especially when the people who pay for them are often facing a mountain of other financial burdens---either they are young and don't have much in the way of savings, or they're older and have families to care for. But I digress.
Dilation isn't remotely enjoyable. It's downright painful. The labia majora edges are still raw and sensitive from having been repositioned; passing plastic next to them doesn't aid healing. I slop Surgilube over them to try to remove any chance of the dilator rubbing the folds, but it still hurts. It's pretty sad that all I can pass through right now is a #3---I start with the 2-taper just to realign the vagina. I'd try the #4 but I would rather not risk tearing the newly-formed scars at the perineum. Thank goodness that area seems to be healing.
I'm finally able to fit into my jeans. The swelling has subsided enough that it's a possibility. Wearing cut-off control-top pantyhose seems to have helped a lot to compress the mons area. Of course it has created a host of other problems, but that's another topic. My energy levels are also returning. So, things are looking up.
I used to hate oatmeal with a passion. But since SRS it has turned into a nice light snack that really puts my stomach at ease. I highly recommend in your first few weeks of healing from either vaginoplasty or labiaplasty that you stick to soft foods. No binging on hamburgers or all-carbohydrate pasta diets. Veggies, fruits, soft foods make for a happy digestive system.
What else has been going on? Just trying to get my strength back, pay back all my bills, catch up with work, and write some music. That's pretty much it. I guess I should admit I did the Geek Thing this past weekend and joined some friends in a frenzy of all-weekend gaming on a new game that will be coming to market soon. That completely wrecked our sleeping schedules---I think some of us went to bed on Saturday morning around 4:30a, on Sunday morning around 6:30a. It has been a long time since I've seen the sun come up. Ah, the old memories from college days are coming back to me now...
I've been living in 3-D most of the time since probably last Fall. In a way it's a good thing, I think. (Although it has probably PO'ed quite a number of people on IM and Amberspace e-mail. Sorry!) I made a commitment to myself around the end of last year to spend more time doing hobbies and personal things and less time with friends. I came to the realization that while it was really fun hanging out with everyone that my creative side wasn't being satisfied. The only way to correct this was to force myself to spend more time at home by myself.
I know it sounds kinda reclusive, but it's not. I swear, almost every other night I'm still out with people but making Me Time is important. It's kinda spiritually-rewarding when you can get back to doing things you like that only have a significance to you. This past year has all been about surgeries and finalizing transition. Let me tell you, this has gotten real old. I'm quite tired of thinking of things being cut up, stiches, the weird colors and smells, not being able to squeeze into my own clothes, and being tired a lot. I want to be energized by living life and I think I'm getting back to it.
What keeps me going is that I know once I'm beyond healing from labiaplasty I have races to run, music to write, wine tours to take, and old friends I'd like to reconnect with. I'm getting there slowly but surely.
Wednesday, 2005.03.30:
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I was at a friend's concert tonight and it was cool meeting up with friends I haven't seen in like forever. I only recently got wind of their performance through an Evite. Well, I also met a guy in the crowd who was a friend of the keyboardist. Seems nice, kinda cute, not from around here but living here now. I have no idea what I'm going to do with him, though. Dating is so new territory for me...
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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