amberspace

Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

home · updates · writings: blogger ramblings · experiences: timeline thinking deep going out coming out procedures ffs srs meds voice legal stuff tips/advice · resources: links glossary · about: transsexuality me (faq) amberspace · contact

about

	Transsexuality	About the topic of transsexuality/transgendered folk and what it all boils down to.
	Me	Details of yours truly.
	Amberspace	Site-specific information.

Déjà Vu

When I was young I knew no fear
I would try to fly
Set my sights beyond,
   imagination unfolding,
   a new story awaiting in each touch or smell,
   bounds unknown;
I would not fear.

Somewhere,
   sometime,
I started hiding,
My skin grew thicker
As I steeled myself against the buffs of wind
I remember the jibes,
   the eyes,
It was like I started hiding
   almost holding my breath
   I swept a part of me into the shadows
      a place only I knew
      a place I almost forgot.

So many years have past
And when I recall those early years
It's like I've come full circle,
It's the beginning and yet it's not.

I'm learning how to
   walk again
   talk again
   fly again
   breathe again
   smile again
I'm feeling for the first time how to
   cry again
   hug again
   grow again
   hurt again
   love again

Now the world is wondrous and brilliant
Even though it's like I see a shadow of me
   at my old haunts
Some of my actions are saturated with trepidation
I fear the falling, the tripping, and the eyes,
   those big judging eyes;
But I cannot fear
I will not fear.

And I'm learning how to
   try again
   cook again
   strive again
   dress again
   forgive again
And I want to
   joke again
   run again
   sing again
   dream again
   laugh again

I will get there.
I will try.
I could slip,
   but I can't slip until I try.
So I take that deep breath
   and I set my sights high.

I will.
I have to.
I can.
I am.

It's déjà vu and yet so new.

2003.03.24