Amberspace Semi-Daily Blog

Amberspace Semi-Daily Blog http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/ The semi-daily meanderings of Amber, an MTF TS now living full-time and post-op. Thu, 10 Jul 2006 12:25:48 PST en-us Copyright (c) 1998- Amber Chan. amberspace@hotmail.com Amber's blogrollup.pl http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/gfx/ico_amberspace_rss.gif Amberspace RSS Icon http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/ 125 38 amberspace: 2006.08.10

Mood-O-Meter: OK.

I don't usually do this but I'm putting up an ad banner for DYNKE, a store for "pridewear". A few of their t-shirts made their debut at Denver '06 Pride. Anyways, check them out!

Technorati tags: DYNKE, store, pride, pridewear, gay, marriage, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200608.html#20060810 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200608.html#20060810 amberspace: 2006.08.07

Mood-O-Meter: OK.

Dating is tough. Not in the sense that it doesn't happen, but finding people that you really enjoy their company and want to maybe start something long-term. I'm not the kind of person that likes to get hookups every week and wake up in someone else's bed. Really, that is so not my thing. But I try to get out and about. I've met a few people through friends or other events.

I met a guy about three months ago and we've kept in touch over the summer. We were going to go for a movie this weekend but the timing just didn't work out. So we ended up walking all around this plaza for a while, got a snack, and went back to eat it in the cool afternoon sun. It was really great weather and he's great company. At some point we were feeling hunger for dinner so he knew this like pub a few blocks away. We stumbled into there and chatted endlessly about our travels and what not---both of us have done quite a bit over the summer already. He's a really cool person and we totally click on so many levels.

But I have all of these reservations that keep me from really moving forward.

Namely that I think he's like 7 years younger than me.

I'm not all that concerned about age differences but it would be nice to have someone a little closer to me. So on the one hand I feel like melting into his lap and just purring there. On the other hand, I don't feel like going to the street races and sideshows where everyone is 10 years younger than me. And he's still in Party Mode---I've sort of moved on to Wine Mode. But if I ever want to know how to build a bar or backpack through Europe on a shoestring, I'll definitely call him up. I think he senses that I'm interested but not willing to go much further than friendship.

I sometimes have laid awake in bed at night and wondered if I should just let things go naturally wherever they go. But that's just the Emotional side of me talking. The Logical side then steps into the room and slaps me hard reminding me that he's also kinda unemployed right now, he does act a little too gangsta for my taste, he lives 15 miles away, and he's working odd jobs this summer throughout the country. So, *sigh*.

Technorati tags: Sianna, store, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200608.html#20060807 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200608.html#20060807 amberspace: 2006.08.01

Mood-O-Meter: Good.

I just got back from a trip to see my brother and his new little daughter, only 9 months old now! The Little One is babbling and just starting to walk...and boy does she move fast! I had decided to make the trip to see him this summer because my parents aren't able to. My brother and I don't talk much and I'm trying to change that.

My brother's wife, Jill, is an interesting character. Her mom came out as lesbian when Jill was really young. The mom was an all-out dyke, short hair, leather, and much more---put into the context of the times I think the mom was pretty extreme. But in a sense it was sort of a rebellion against her parents, though that's another story altogether.
      Anyways, so Jill has been to many "alternative lifestyle" clubs and events throughout her life. She's been the dyke bars, tranny bars, seen her mom's various friends, and so forth. So Jill considers herself very open-minded and accepting. When we were talking maybe a year ago Jill had said that when I came down to see the family she'd take me out to tranny bars and stuff.

Internally I recoiled a bit.

Really, I have only ever been to one tranny bar, and that is Asia SF ... which is more of a tourist attraction than not. If I really wanted to hit up the "real thing" I'd be going to other ones in the Tenderloin. But, I don't have any motivation to do that. I do still have a lot of trans friends, but the majority are pretty simple folk.
      I tried explaining it to Jill that I see the trans world as being of three types:

First you have the gender benders or gender queer where people are just more experimental, part-time, or the whatever-I-am-who-I-am types. Gender identity and sexual identity are pretty fluid.

Then you have the exhibitionists or more glamourous types. Possibly coming from the gay community or more attracted to the newfound power of dressing and absorbing all that womanhood has to offer. Partying with other trans/gay types happens a lot more.

Finally there's the more vanilla ones. Many are stealth or at least semi-stealth, trans issues aren't usually on the radar and most of daily life consists of working, family, and just doing rather ordinary things. I fit more into the latter.

I don't mean to set up a hierarchy---there isn't one---and there isn't any advantage to being in one group or another. But the reason I sort of divide up things mentally this way is to explain things to Jill. She was under the impression that I was very gay, went out to gay clubs, and was generally flamboyant. Um, no. She was very surprised that most of my relationships were with women (boy-girl high school and college romance), that the longest steady relationship was over 5 years with the same girl, and that I didn't travel to L.A.'s Garment District on a regular basis.
      Really, I'm about as vanilla as they come. I wake up, get my coffee, go to work, maybe out to dinner with friends, read a book or watch TV, and go to sleep. I shop at the mall, go to concerts, and occassionally hit up a bar with friends when we're tired from the long day. I love travelling and eating, and one of these days hope to have a family of my own. I'll probably send the kids to private or home-school them, and I hope my husband (or partner) is career-oriented and a good communicator. And one of these days when I'm toothless and gray, I hope to play with the grandkids and enjoy sunsets from a beachfront house. That's me. Pretty unglam if you ask me.

Technorati tags: neice, brother, wife, relationships, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200608.html#20060801 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200608.html#20060801 amberspace: 2006.07.14

Mood-O-Meter: Ecstatic. Parents rock.

Even up to three years ago I never thought I would be still talking to my parents. If you look back you'll note that they were adamant that anything related to transitioning would not be tolerated and that I could only come over to their house as they remembered me. Times certainly have changed.

This summer I'm dedicating quite a bit of time to be around Mom and Dad. Wednesday morning I got in my car and headed down to their house. When I finally arrived in the late morning Dad was playing on the computer as usual. I waved and he smiled. I trundled on back to the rear bedroom where my Mom was and said my hellos to her too. I plunked down my laundry basket and went to go chat with Dad. As usual we just chatted about nothing in particular. Then I got distracted playing on their new iMac. A few moments later Mom popped her head out from around the corner and said it was time to go. We had reservations for afternoon tea at a local tea house. I crossed my legs to strap on my heels and threw on a tiny bit of eye makeup. And then it was out the door.
      Mom had been talking about going for tea since like forever. Since we both have time off from work this summer I suggested we go sometime during the week. We had decided on a date, Mom called in reservations for just the two of us gals.
      We arrived there in plenty of time and we were seated in a smallish room along with maybe 3 or 4 other tables. We munched on some ginger snaps and talked about how finally we could talk without Dad being there. We love him, alright, but tea really isn't his, um, cup of tea. The lady serving us brought us our tea pots covered in little cozies, and shortly after our assortment of sandwiches and pastries. Mom and I traded a few things so each of us had a mingling of everything. And then we talked and talked and ...
      At some point she actually mentioned I "looked beautiful"---holy moly! And we finally made our way to the car an hour or so later. We did some shopping for dinner and headed back home.

At 5:00 AM my alarm went off and I stumbled out of my parent's guest room. Dad was already up and about in the family room. We gathered our jackets and cameras and ducked into the car. About half an hour later we were standing in a very quiet park. Aside from the ducks in the pond we were alone. At 5:58 AM sunrise was supposed to happen so we tried to find a good position to set up the cameras. The trees really blocked all going viewing points, so seeing the horizon was pretty much impossible. But we still wanted to catch a glimpse of the sun breaking through over the valley.
      Somehow I had convinced Dad the night before that we should get up way before dawn and try to go out for some photos. He always comments on how he loves mornings and sunrises. And now that he's retired, why not try to find some good photo opportunities? We didn't know really where to go, and he's a bit limited in his walking ability---we have to find places we can drive to.
      Even though we didn't get the photos we wanted, it was really nice to spend time with him. We drove around to a couple of other parks after that trying to see what might be good for future sunrise-hunting trips. Eventually we wound up at the local Starbucks and talked about nothing in particular for a couple of hours.

You can't put a price on these opportunities and I am so grateful that we have the chance to be together. I'm glad I could take vacation this summer since we're all quite busy most other times of the year. And to have us still be a family is ... well, I think that's some special that I never expected.

Technorati tags: parents, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200607.html#20060714 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200607.html#20060714 amberspace: 2006.06.28

Mood-O-Meter: Good.

This summer is turning out to be really interesting. I let life get in the way of keeping up with friends and family but I've since changed my priorities. I have been going different places and seeing all sorts of people. It feels really good reconnecting with everyone, including people I didn't know I might speak to again.
      When I transitioned I thought I would lose my parents in the process but it seems we might be working things out. However, I did pretty much lose my extended family because my parents were/are afraid to bring up my circumstances. (In our families everyone smiles and keeps our problems to ourselves.) But this changed tonight.

My cousin Becky is getting married in a month or so this summer. I only really found this out through my parents who eventually handed me a wedding invitation written out to my old name. See, my parents have just been telling the family that I'm doing fine and I'm busy with work. So as far as everyone is concerned, the Boy Me is still running around although he never shows up at any family function anymore. But wouldn't it be really rude if I didn't at least reply to the wedding invitation?
      Cousin Becky is a cool person. I haven't gotten to know her very well because we live a thousand or so miles apart, but I have fond memories. I haven't talked to her in probably 10 years even though she regularly talks with my brother. And of course even he keeps up the deception that the Boy Me is fine and well. Becky, being the persistent person she is, finally told my brother to give her e-mail address to me.
      Meanwhile, I have been talking with Mom and Dad about breaking the news to the extended family at some point. While they are still against that idea, I did get my Mom to budge a little. After all, I still need to reply to that wedding invite.
      I created a new e-mail address and chat account, and after a few weeks of talking I caved in tonight. She had been asking me for a picture or two for quite a while...and of course I always said I didn't have one on me. (I lied.)
      Well finally tonight I figured it was time to drop the bomb. As far as she knew I was still my old Boy Self and I was heterosexual. In the middle of the conversation it went like this (it's a bit long but it's funny):

Boy Name Me: Hi you.

Becky: hi you back

... other stuff ...

I was driving and my friend was like PULL OVER! PULL OVER! SHUT THE ENGINE OFF!!! We were in Eastern Utah then... Well, we felt a little better, though, because we were driving back with another friend too. He stopped with us and calmed us down.

friends are good

Kinda cute too. but oh well.

really? do tell

yeah he's older tho *shrugs*

what's wrong with older men?

Well he's also in Southern California

yeah..annndddd

annnnnnnd that's kinda far away

andddddddddddd

but he'll be passing through the Bay Area soon so we'll meet up again.

anddddddddddd

and?

so how cute is cute?

dorky cute. it's totally funny. his driver's license shows this Backstreet Boy on it, goatee and all, short spikey hair

aren't you supposed to look serious in license pics?

i think you're supposed to look bad in them

I look FABULOUS in mine

haha

scan me a pic of your drivers' license

haha. i can take a pic of it later. it's not great but not bad either

ok, do you get the point where I just want a pic?

About this time I'm thinking "well, I guess here we go..." So I searched my hard drive for a pic taken last week which shows me along with a couple other gal pals:

haha. I do have one pic from the trip.

and...

err ... I kinda look different in it.

drunk?

doh. no. Just I don't know ... different? you sure you want to see it?

YUP

Sending file. File transfer complete.

that's me and my hideousness.

um..ok, do you have something to tell me?

We haven't talked in a really long time.

ok...so tell

The pic is from ... about 10 days ago? But "that" happened a few years ago.

ok, explain "that"..how far did you go?

Um, pretty much all the way?

like operation and all?

*nods*

wow. was that difficult to go though?

Um, not really that difficult. More of what felt right, I guess.

nope...you're my cuz...I love you for who you are..dorkiness and all..I want to know everything about you that you want to share

Thanks....you rock... You know, I wasn't really going to say anything... buuuuuuuuttttttt... then I got this rad invitation like a few weeks ago ... and I thought it'd be really rude to not at least talk to you.

yes it WOULD have been rude

I've kinda been absent from family events for like the past 8 years or so.

um..I noticed

even tho my brother showed up for most of them. Oh, but my brother is still my brother. that much is a constant. hahaha....

one Chan cuz isn't enough... I want both of you in my life

awwww ... Well, I'd love to be part of your life.

cool..then agreed.

Well yours and your husband's that is.

yeah..you can have him too. I actually thought you were going to tell me you were gay

Well I *am* living in SF.

EXACTLY. AND you have a lot of female friends. AND you shop.

haha. yeah I do

so you're like what...a size 2?

something like that. I'm compact.

beatch

Oh doesn't she just rock?! And the conversation went on from there. All I can say is that I'm smiling now...

Thanks, Becks.

Technorati tags: coming out, cousins, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200606.html#20060628 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200606.html#20060628 amberspace: 2006.05.24

Mood-O-Meter: Happy. Comfortably numb.

Well the last entry ended up a wee bit on a sour note! But I'm still here.

Work has been overwhelming but I finally got a chance to take a vacation. I've been travelling around, finding myself part of the time in New York, part of the time in Boston. It is fun getting out and having a vacation where there is no mention of trans stuff. I actually can't remember any "vacation" since going full-time that didn't include some aspect of transition. It has been fun eating too much and walking until our feet have blisters on them. I've added a few new shotglasses to my collection and a lot of pictures to my photo album. But, alas, soon I'll have to be going back home...

Back there I've been working on making all sorts of new connections. I've been meeting with muscians, geeks, and other people who are a lot smarter than me. It's comforting to gradually reestablsh some roots in a new city. Oh, I keep moving around. I think it's in my nature, but it seems my life is living out of boxes half of the time.

Well, anyways, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my vacation and trying not to get too intoxicated. Remember: don't drink and drive. But, if you're not the driver, party on!

Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200605.html#20060524 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200605.html#20060524 amberspace: 2006.04.06

Mood-O-Meter: Blech. Pensive

I'm having one of those moments of reflection right now. Life is taking weird twists and turns at the present.
      I've been spending the last few weeks being a "fag hag". (I didn't come up with that label!) It has been interesting talking with gay friends because they wear gay like a badge. They have gay culture, gay dating, gay fashion, etc. And here I am about as queer as they come and yet I pretty much stick to the "hetero" boring group. I don't talk about the trans stuff, I don't participate in the trans community, and I don't have "trans fashion"---whatever that means. As one person put it, I'm "vanilla" in more ways than one.
      The reason I started thinking about it is because I've been carpooling with one gay guy to/fro work. We talk about all sorts of things, especially including his gay lifestyle. But I never seem to offer anything about being trans. And, yes, he knows. (One day he was looking at some ancient code I had written and asked "is this your old user ID?". Yup, I'm guilty as charged.)
      Should I talk about it? I don't know. It's funny how he'll talk down to me sometimes like "oh, well, guys think this way" or "you're a girl so this might not make sense". Of course, I could come back with "hey, been there been that!", but I'm holding off on saying it. I just feel like sometimes maybe I ought to get a little more into trans stuff. Yet, I still come back to the point: what would the point be in doing that? I have no interest...

Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200604.html#20060406 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200604.html#20060406 amberspace: 2006.04.02

Mood-O-Meter: Ecstatic.

Project Sunday Date: success.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I just got back from a date with this guy I met a couple weeks ago. 'Scuse me for a sec...

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

So, he shows up at 8pm pretty much on the dot---poor guy really had to hoof it up to my neighborhood. I rang him up on his celly telling him I was going to be a second since I had to get my laundry (true). I finally get down there and the poor guy is getting drenched in the rain! He didn't bring an umbrella! He asks me where to go and off we head...

We chatted for almost two hours down at the place. He's a cool guy, dirty brown mutton chops, and European descent. He's in the arts industry so we talked a lot about that stuff. I guess I kinda got a crash course in his field. I just liked the way he held my gaze and how he seems sincere. He's gone back to school, and he's just finishing up now. I told him about my so-so job. Haha....

Finally we went back to my street corner, rain still gushing out of the sky like a broken sprinkler. I handed him my umbrella saying to return it later. We parted...

I wouldn't mind seeing him again if he's up to another encounter.

Boy, I'm going to go to bed smiling tonight. Using a phrase a friend said: I got permagrin. *grins brightly*

Technorati tags: dating, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200604.html#20060402 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200604.html#20060402 amberspace: 2006.03.26

Mood-O-Meter: OK.

I've been spending way too much time with the bottle lately. Or rather bottles, plural. Since last week I guess I've just been out a lot or around people who like to drink.

I think Monday my roomies and I uncorked one of my zinfandels---which turned out to be pretty tasty. (Between Monday and Friday I didn't really have much to drink, but I was having a lot of coffee.) Friday I think I took down most of a 750mL due to a waitress which kept refilling my glass. Saturday lunchtime I had Japanese and paired that with some nigori sake. Saturday evening I went to a dinner party where a rockin' chardonnay was opened followed by a plum/fig/pear-y port. Thank goodness I haven't really driven that much this weekend!
You're probably wondering why I'm bringing up my budding drinking problem.

That's because I want to talk about smells.

The unpleasant topic of smells. Specifically, the smell of one's urine.

Don't worry, this is going somewhere. Now that I'm on oral meds I actually have been paying a lot more attention to my body to see how it's reacting to things and I think smells are an excellent way to tell what's going on. I've noticed that since beginning my new oral meds on Monday that I'm affected by alcohol and coffee more. I think my body is working a lot harder to process both the hormones and the drinks. And I've noticed the urine smell changing and not exactly in a good way.
I think I'm going to have to start drinking a lot more water. I think my body needs the "flushing". (Besides water is good for you.) Let me state that I hate the taste and feel of water. I don't know, it just isn't something I enjoy. However, in the past week and a bit I've found I actually crave water. How weird!
Anyways, the bottom line is that paying attention to your body is a good thing. Don't rely on the doctors and their infrequent testing to tell you want's going on.

In other news, my face has almost healed up. Granted, I was really only swollen for about a week and a half after surgery, but now I feel pretty normal. The incision lines in my mouth are still pretty prominent, but they feel to be healed up. The bad thing is that they are trapping all sorts of nasty food bits still. (You would not believe how much Triscuit can get jammed down there. Ewwww!!!!) However, I'm massaging those areas and hoping the ridges will go down a little. Else, I'm going to have have to explain to my dates why I frequently take a sip of a water and swish. Ew...

Technorati tags: HRT, drinking, alcohol, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200603.html#20060326 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200603.html#20060326 amberspace: 2006.03.19

Mood-O-Meter: OK.

What a difference it makes to be on patches or topical gels! Oh my gosh, I actually have mood swings now. I've noticed that when I skip my oral meds that about 12 hours later I start getting a lot more emotional. I mean, I'm still in control but it's that little voice in my head which says whoa, girl! What are you getting so upset about? Hey, did you remember to take your meds? Last week my boss did something really stupid and I really got up in his face and basically ripped him a new one. To my boss. Hahaha...! Granted he deserved it, but maybe I should have remembered to take my 'mones that morning.
I think it's funny because I have always been on patches since Day 1 of HRT. It really does keep you on an even keel. So, I guess my advice is that if you feel yourself becoming overly emotional a lot of the time, you might want to consider switching to patches. As for me, I guess what this means is I'll have to be more careful about how I carry the pills and when I take them.

Technorati tags: HRT, transsexual,, MTF. ]]> amberspace@hotmail.com http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200603.html#20060319 http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber/blogger-200603.html#20060319