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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.

     September   |   October 2002   |   November     

Tuesday, 2002.10.01:

Went out for dinner and was late by about an hour or so. Actually, it was a miscommunication which led to me thinking I was about on time when I was expected earlier. Oops. I'm getting careless with scheduling again.

My ex came over later to print some stuff out because her printer died. I was still in Girl Mode but not using Girl Voice. She didn't seem to fazed by it but didn't acknowledge it either. Eventually she's going to both see and hear my Girl Mode. I hope she's not going to be too freaked out by it.
      Should I care about this? Well, yeah! I think it sucks for her to be presented with something she doesn't want to encounter. I'm hoping that because she knows exactly what's going on and she has see me in Girl Mode and that she's not going bonkers is actually a good sign.

Over the aforementioned dinner I was asked if I'm going to tell my brother what's going on with me---I've not come out to him yet. I said I would be doing that soon but not now. They asked if I should care about him as well. I said that even though he and I can't stand each other I still care about him as a family member. I know I have to tell him before he comes back home around Christmas because it'll be very obvious something is amiss. At that time I will have had over six months of HRT.


Wednesday, 2002.10.02:

Those multivitamins so suck. I can't decide whether they taste more like licking a bicycle inner tube or chewing on rancid oranges. I am definitely going to have to take them while eating something else like Grape Nuts or tortillas. The problem, which surfaced on Monday night, is that most of the pills are too big for me and trigger the dreaded gag reflex. (Not like the taste is any better.) So one option I've been thinking about is getting a mortar and pestle to grind up the non-liquid ones and take that down with water. Instead I think I might be able to get away with chewing them with something that's relatively starchy or abrasive. That'll keep the vitamin/mineral fragments from lodging in my molars and also provide a transport mechanism for the nutrients. It seemed to work this morning but I only took a half dose.


Thursday, 2002.10.03:

Stayed up way way way way way way too late. I'm supposed to take it easy, right? Heh, and here I am at 5:30a still up. Long story. Basically, a friend came over needing help with a couple of laptops. That evolved into an all-night vigil backing up her important data, installing WinXP, Office, and a few other applications. I understand her predicament, but I kept saying that I had to go sleep because I was having serious problems in recent days. I don't think it quite sank in... But I finally pulled myself into bed. Good night, Gracie. *


Friday, 2002.10.04:

Yesterday had a second encounter with a dish at a particular restaurant that has given me a severe upset stomach. It's funny: it never did before. I think they must have changed chefs or they are no longer conscious about cooking foods separately. (I have food allergies.)
      This used to be one of my favorite (and only) things I'd order from this restaurant but I'm getting a mild allergic reaction to something in it. I can't decide if it's psychological or it really does have something I can't take. The waitress said that it had no peanut oils and was using a tomato base for the sauce. Still, I get this feeling that's very unnerving. I didn't suffer the usual after-effects of eating something I'm highly allergic to, which makes me believe it's all in my head. But, this is not the first time.
      My friend is reassuring me that there wasn't anything funny with it but I was definitely getting sicker with every bite. I used executive authority and said, "OK, I'm stopping now," and the rest of the food went to a doggie bag. (I'll test it again maybe tomorrow when I'm more rested.) I had an upset stomach until like 2:00a this morning.
      One thing I like about the transdermal patches is even if I'm having an upset-stomach day I'm pretty sure I'm still getting the proper dose unlike the other oral meds I take---will my body just reject the orals along with the rest of the food?

Trying to find and set up iParty to join a TSVoice chat tonight. I'm actually going to be home early enough to participate in a chat, so I think it'd be cool if I can manage it...

Oh, yeah, my RealAge is +3.1 years more than my biological age. At one point in the test I was -2.5 or so, but then I started listing my food intake and that just wrecked everything. Hehehe. I don't get enough vitamins, have a little too much saturated fat, consume too much cholesterol. Of the suggestions, an interesting one was that I should consume 1 glass of alcohol a day. (But I don't drink!) And the report also said I should develop more community relationships. Bah humbug. I probably spend, on average, about an hour on the phone a day and three hours of e-mail a day---on a recent night I had about 5.5 hours of phone calls. If that isn't having community connections I don't know what is.

Two people I have lyrical respect for:
I'm not a connoisseur of words, but they're true poets, IMO. Much better than my pathetic attempts to be witty:

SPAM En Masse

Behold SPAM platter
Yonder lies musubi field
Eyes eat, drool on shirt

Um. Yeah. Well, it's funnier if you know what SPAM musubi is. What I can't believe is that there are people out there actually selling musubi molds! Like it was hard to do in the first place...?

Good chat with the TSVoice group. If you're looking for practice on your voice you should definitely check out the site, and if you're around maybe join in on a chat session. Broadband recommended.


Saturday, 2002.10.05:

Learned a new word: ribald. Noun: Wanton individual, also rascal or scoundrel. Adjective: lewd humor, to rub.

Small Thought A: A side effect of working out was masculinization. It was great to be strong and flexible back in junior high and high school. But, now it's coming back to bite me. Fortunately I didn't bulk up that much but nonetheless it's going to take forever for the muscles to atrophy. Melanie once said in her prime she could bench over 200 lbs. I'm looking at her photos and thinking: no way... But I guess you gotta wait. This magic doesn't happen overnight.

Small Thought B: Is transition sort of an ultimate form of narcissism? It's not just simple plastic surgery but complete body and mind reorganization. But, people argue that transition is part of survival. Hm.

Small Thought C: Prior to any sort of mental therapy or transition, are many of us just disconnected from true selves? Does life then become a mere existence and not truly life? Is life more about having the most amount of experiences that you can handle? Are people on a very routine schedule truly living?

Back to events: had a really fun day today.

A friend has the good fortune to be able to borrow another friend's car: a sleek S2000. It's a fun little car as another friend I know has one. Anyhow, I was talking to this friend about doing something with it and so I suggested we go on a little day trip up northward to a small town for some shopping, walking, and food. I figured the 1.5 hours drive would be a good run. And so we left a little after noon.
      Up through the winding hills we rode, this black shadow zipping along in and out of tree shade. We stopped at various points along the way to take photos and admire the view of the ocean. It was a great day where the visibility stretched for miles, only slightly dulled by a rice paper-thin shield of fog. The temperature was very mild and my long hair whipped itself into impossible knots at 85 MPH. We even found a spot to hike up to a peak and as we stood up there we breathed in the light cool breeze. Just for the hellofit I pulled out my cellular and tapped a message to another friend: "Greetings from the top of Mount Tam... Nice direct line of sight to cell towers around the bay..." I had full reception. I got some spectacular pictures of glittering ocean waters stretching out endlessly as the sun was beginning its descent. Then it was down the windy twisted back roads to civilization some 2,500 feet below. We pulled into a small shoreline town and popped into a restaurant frequented by the affluent and the yuppie-ish alike. (Two of us at dinner came to about $50.) I had excellent soft fish that was just the right proportion for me---only recently I've started to like fish after having stayed far away from it most my life. We walked along the piers at nightfall and took in the sight of glittering lights of the neighboring city not far away. And then we turned back to home.
      It was a wonderfully lazy day. It has been a long time since I've done something like this. It's stuff like this where it helped to remind me of life after transition. It's important to set goals beyond the point of SRS and find out things that spark your interest or revitalize your soul. Some things don't require any (or very little) money, sometimes there's good things right in your own backyard.


Sunday, 2002.10.06:

Found a much more palatable way of taking the multivitamins: Krispy Kreme donuts! Oh, you sweet bundles of heaven! With every bite into your light-bodied goodness, your flavors melt in my mouth. Chocolate. Berry. Creme. Oh, your sinful taste covers up those putrid pathetic pungent pills of multivitamin or multi-mineral krap. Just two donuts is all I ask for better health and happy taste buds.

Laughing is one of the hardest darned things do master with the voice transitioning. Laughing requires you to loosen your vocal chords and yet still stay in Girl Mode. I'm just getting used to it now. I hate my laugh---too harsh. I need more "roundness" in it to balance it out so it comes out softer.

"Do I ever do anything (in a fit of anger or depression) that I'd regret later but did anyway because I was in the moment?" A friend asked me that yesterday. I thought about it, and I have to say "no". Almost everything I do I think about in terms of a future consequence perspective. I know that makes me meticulously anal and slow at times, but it's how I stop myself from doing things I'll regret. Like getting in fights, or yelling back at people, or turning to addictions. I don't know. It's just my personality. The way I see it is that if someone wrongs me I don't have to necessarily wrong them back. I'm a believer that bad karma sent out comes back to you eventually.

Another thought from yesterday: "Don't you find that being so darned cautious about everything you're doing is a problem? Shouldn't you be trying to unwind yourself and have a little fun?" Well, I agree to some extent but I have a different view on this. I think that one of the reasons why I have transitioned slowly is for the same reason I take time to solve any major decision: I want to be resolute in my action. I don't like having regret. Thus, I take my time to feel good about the decision I am going to make and satisfy my questions. When I'm ready and I feel I have a good handle on the possible consequences I go ahead and commit to my decision. That way in the future if things didn't work out I can truly look back and say that at the time I made the decision I was working with the best information I had. That at least lets me know I honestly tried to do my best and that the result was just not the result I wanted.

Looks like I'll be needing a trach shave after all. In certain positions you can't see my Adam's apple, but in others you can. To use Gina's words: "Mine was not tremendously prominent, but it was noticeable." I envy those who don't have the thyroid cartilage, but then again there's no use in complaining about something you had no hand in choosing. I'm now looking for help. Hm, there's a Yahoo group for this.
      I'm particularly worried about the scar. Unfortunately I've been told by multiple people that you can never be scar-free. So it's more of a choice of where you want the scar. Dr. O puts the scar more under the chin, Dr. Brownstein does it across the neck.
      I know you can't really see it from afar but I'm concerned about the "short game" where you're face-to-face with another person. All of the pictures I've been coming across on the web are full-face shots, which doesn't help in locating the scar and seeing how it healed over time.
      If you can help, I'd appreciate hearing your options.

Added a new Radio A.W.Z. voice rambling. This one is, um, "different". Be forewarned!

Okay, okay. I've been reading way too much MegaTokyo. 1tz fsck1n6 |<3wl, d00|>, 1+ +0T4llY |~0xOrz.. (Um, that's L33t-Speak for: "This fine display of art and story combines a myriad of layers of complex human emotion with references to pop culture and video entertainment.") It made me laugh a lot these past few days, especially when I've needed it---long other story. You have to understand that this comic speaks to my current set of friends who are g4m3rz and anime otaku. I've also been involved with many conventions and 'leet-speaking individuals over the years and so I find myself nodding at many of the panels thinking, "oh, that is so true." Despite the story is fictional, I draw parallels between many of the characters and real-life friends who act so similar. It's scary. But, it's a fun twist on how art imitates life...and vice versa?

Just took a test on eMode about finding the right career. I thought the result was actually pretty accurate:
Personable and Creative

As a Personable type, you are a true generator of original thoughts. You probably like to think that you're equally as good at spinning old ideas as you are at projecting what might be possible in the future.

Your compassionate nature draws people to you. Because you can relate to others, you see yourself as a diplomat of sorts. You prefer to avoid disruption in the workplace if at all possible — especially if you can help others avoid discord.

You are particularly intuitive when it comes to reading some people. And because of your social smarts, people tend to like being around you. That's part of the power you bring to work. But unless you're in the right job, these strengths could be stifled. Want to know what your #1 right job is?
I tend to fall into the role of a natural leader at work and I always take time out to help a colleague even if I'm stuck in the middle of something else. I usually don't give quick answers to people; each person is treated individually and respectfully---unless they've really pissed me off. (But getting me upset is difficult.) And I tend to be very creative even if my ideas aren't exactly originals.


Monday, 2002.10.07:

I don't understand. I just weighed in at 125.5 lbs. I feel pretty darned good, have been eating good food, taking multivitamins, sleeping a lot more, exercising, etc. I was happy when my weight went up back to about 128 lbs. but now I'm back down? It can't be water loss because I have been taking a lot of water. I wonder if its muscle and fat loss. My shoulders aren't looking so guy-ish these days, but I don't think that I've lost that much muscle. Our bodies just can't change that fast. Weird.

Just went over some of the pictures from two days ago. Found a video clip as we raced down a very windy road at 40 MPH---road rated at 15 MPH. It made me smile.

Couldn't sleep. Must ramble.

1:58 PM EDT: the sell stop loss order goes through. My biggest holdings in my account are now pure cash. You want to gasp? Do you? Do you? Okay, here goes: net losses from my largest holding are recorded at over $55K. I told you this was going to sting. You can imagine how heavily leveraged I was. You don't know how close to tears I was this morning.
      It was a hard lesson to learn that no one looks after your money like yourself, even when you pay someone to do it for you. And so I'll not be investing in the market anytime soon, or at least until 1) the market calms down, 2) we have two quarters of growth, 3) there are no major wars that the US/Japan/China are involved in, 4) I have time to devote 30 minutes a day to reading stocks and business trade mags.
      I'm not sure I can recover any of the money from any sort of litigation---it was partially my decision to go on margin in the first place. But now if I'm lucky I'll walk away from my account with a total asset value near $20K. That's paltry compared to what went into the account. But in a market like this I wanted to walk away with something. Automatically at the time of sale the net proceeds were applied to the margin and I obliterated all loan debt.
      In some ways I'm darned lucky I was able to erase all that margin debt with a single phone call. (I've heard the horror stories of people losing their homes and families and more.) Tomorrow we'll get the finalized numbers and know where we stand on all of this before I can get my account totally off life support. I'm one more phone call from being freed.
      My smartest decision in the past 3 years was to have started a money market-based account at my bank and to have thrown most of my money into it. That's my buffer. That's also transition money. And the good side to this: thanks to tax rollover of capital losses exceeding $3K annually I should have enough to give me tax breaks for the next 25 years.

Took my ex-manager out for lunch so we could commiserate. He's got the same financial advisor and he's stuck after having bought in a wee bit too heavily. At least he remodeled his home with the cash he got from the initial sale.

Eek. Just ran into another colleague who knows what I did this morning. He's in a much worse shape having invested very very heavily. The problem is that he doesn't have enough money to get out and he has a diabetic son who needs full time care. OMG. I just didn't know what to say to him except, "if there's anything I can do in my capacity please let me know." Oh yeah, this person also has the same advisor. See a pattern?

Oh you know how I was complaining about my jeans? I think I figured out what has been bothering me the most and it's the same thing that I've been wondering about at night: hip bones. Well, I know that they're probably not expanding (I'm too old for that) so it has to be fat redistribution. But, the bones are actually sorta in the way. I dunno why I didn't notice it before but it's actually annoying now. Getting things in and out of some pockets is a pain.

Saw a colleague today who was pregnant. You know, for a second I was actually jealous of her, that she could get pregnant. I know that it is a pain to have to carry the baby around for nine months, but I'd like to get the experience just once.


Tuesday, 2002.10.08:

Quake III Team Arena. Quad damage is not my friend. My roommate has this knack for getting it when it "re-pops" (reappears). I delivered sweet justice back with shotguns later on, but he bested me more rounds than I. I think it was his advantage to be in a centralized location and basically had his pick of all the bots running by. I must confess he is scarily accurate with a rail gun, even while running and spinning. My weapon of choice is still a plasma gun.
      First-person shooters and I get along fairly well unlike the real-time strategy games. I think I lack patience to get to know various units' strengths. FPSs are easy to pick up and play relying more on your accuracy and quickness.
      I think I'll miss gaming to some extent if I decide to leave it behind. Lots of fond memories were created through all-nighter sessions with rooms and hallways filled with cries of angst and happy machine gun fire. Gaming has been a friend to me because it was a neutral ground where gender and physical size really didn't play a role. Almost every controller fits every person and it levels the playing field for two different people.
      If I could read Japanese, I'd probably end up playing life simulation games. Maybe it's a good idea that I don't otherwise I'd end up staying up all night and then some.
      But, my all-time favorite types of games are actually none of the above. They're puzzle games. I'm a sucker for Tetris (virtually all forms), Bust A Move (Puzzle Bobble), Super Boulderdash (that dates me), Intelligent Qube (ooo...twistedly hard some days), and Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo. Yes, I own most of them too. I like an intellectual challenge or spacial skills application. A little time pressure doesn't bother me as well.

If you like foo foo alcoholic drinks, may I recommend Hakusan flavored sake? I went on a wine tasting trip a few months ago and stopped by the Hakusan Sake Gardens in California's famous Napa Valley. We tasted five different types, one of which really grabbed me: raspberry flavored. I think this flavor is discontinued but I did find a bottle of it about a month ago at the local supermarket.

As of 11:50a EDT I'm out. With a final click of the mouse I'm out of the market altogether as the last order executes on my account. Each order was bracketed by an estimated loss. Some of the losses were tolerable (in the hundreds), some where sickening (in the thousands). But, as far as I know that's it. There's nothing left but cash in the account.
      Tomorrow the finalized numbers should appear and I'll close out this account. My consultant will be calling up later on today and I'll let him know that. He's actually not in the office today, so he probably has not seen what's going on this morning when I began to liquidate. On the bright side I'll walk away with a few pennies. On the dark side I've got my tail between my legs.
      I feel so ... numb ... right now. As I clicked through each of the online trading screens and watched the numbers indicating in some cases a 99% loss, it just didn't resonate with me. I knew what I had to do, though. I needed to get out. Things are not going to get better in the short term and I can't keep paying money to these financial consultants for nonexistant advice. I could have waited for my financial consultant to call me back, but was it really going to make any difference? The selling prices are determined by current market conditions and we're not going anywhere today. Tomorrow may be the same blah blah. And the months following are probably the same or worse.
      Someone said to me yesterday: "but wartime economies stimulate the entire society!" Yeah, maybe. If there's widespread support. I don't think that is the case here. We've got a lot of people questioning the powers of the President, a significant number shouting anti-war statements, and a very very weak economy. Who needs all that new technology anyways? The government would prop up the tech sector at all. The injected money would go into the big corporations, which are probably already in debt, and probably hurting even still from the effects of the longshoremen lockout. And so I see the wartime economy "shot in the arm" as being like a flu shot after you're already vomiting up yesterday's dinner. (Graphic imagery, eh?)
      And so I emotionally detached myself from my money just for this morning. Click. Click. Enter amount sold. Click. Enter trading ID. Click. Executed. Repeat. Maybe it'll hit me this afternoon at how much was lost. Not all was lost, but in the words of my colleague yesterday who is worse off than I: "now I have to start over." Ironic, isn't it, that in a way I am starting over?
      Now, it's off to take a quick shower and head into work where meetings galore await.

A note about these last couple days: notice transitioning and dealing with transsexuality has absolutely nothing to do with money management, as does it have nothing to do with probably the majority of things in your life. You're still going to have bills, taxes, car repair, health issues, family issues, war, famine, underwear that rides up, etc. Transition only solves one little thing: you feel better about how you present yourself to the world. It has a few ripple effects too. But the majority of life is as it was before you transitioned... OK. I'm really getting off the soapbox now and into that darned shower. Ugh, I'm late again.

Looked up the Idealist NFs up on the Keirsey temperament evaluator and found this nifty line:
The Idealist temperament have an instinct for interpersonal integration, learn ethics with ever increasing zeal, sometimes become diplomatic leaders, and often speak interpretively and metaphorically of the abstract world of their imagination.
I'm told I have a knack for deft syllogism and eccentric analogy. ("Oh no, here comes another Amber Analogy!") I like to keep people on their toes. Hehe.

10:20p.

One of my roommates has become a serious otaku. (Zealous Japanese animation fan.) Ever since he discovered the joy of anime and has a really good source for it, he's been logging in a lot of hours watching videos. I was a pretty big otaku at one point, having had hundreds of video tapes I swear, he probably has watched more cumulative hours of anime than I have. He just won't admit he's become a total videos whore.

Spent dinner with my ex. Her roommate came home (unexpectedly) and so the three of us had dinner. I wonder how that really looks from the outside. You had the two girls, one of which I was in a very long term relationship with, and me. We're just eating, chatting, etc. I still see my ex occasionally. She usually cooks and I help out around her place. The only one time I really cooked it was when I made Hamburger Helper. Ooo... Like that's hard?
      Anyways, one of my roomies say that a bunch of his friends think I'm gay. The fact that I see my ex so frequently and yet we're not dating apparently is sending the signal that I'm gay or something. You know, it's like Will & Grace where Will and Grace are both roommates yet don't have a sexual attraction between them. I guess, in a way, it is sort of like that. I mean, she and I don't really have any animosity; people wonder why in the heck we'd break up after years of seeing each other. And then I'm going around looking rather androgynous.
      The best line I heard recently was, "maybe he's a crossdresser!" Um, I guess. Depends on how you look at it I suppose. I figure people have looked at my shoes (which are probably the most outwardly-girly part), some pairs which are unmistakably from the women's section. (What self-respecting guy would have power blue curvy lines on his sneakers?) I've had them "in circulation" in my current rack of shoes since earlier this year.
      Ah, well, people have probably been asking themselves all sorts of questions. I guess I'll just let them keep guessing.


Wednesday, 2002.10.09:

Met up with a consultant for lunch that used to help us with some software configuration for a few months. He was laid off last month some time and times have been tough for him. Both he and his wife work, so I think that does help with the bills. He asked me today if there were further needs for his consulting services and I had to give a very vague answer. I don't know if we really have the budget to get him back. It's too bad because he really knows his stuff.

Learned a new word: sang-froid. Noun. Coolness and composure, especially in trying circumstances. As the madding crowd lashed at him with stabbing accusations the leader retained his political sang-froid.

Quiet day otherwise.


Thursday, 2002.10.10:

Called up a friend who had SRS yesterday in a far away country. Ever notice how funny the ringtones strike you when you call international? And then there's the accent to get through. Like I'm sure she has to acclimate herself to the pattern of my voice I have to do likewise to hers. But I think we understood each other perfectly. I can't say the same thing for the line quality---it was very laden with noise. And I was using a phone which uses an all-digital network! Things must have just gotten screwed up in the digital-to-analog conversions, maybe multiples of them.
      During the conversation my friend said, "your voice is good!" I still don't know really what happened in the last year. Maybe it's because I have just been out a lot and have gotten used to the sound of my own voice and so it comes across much less strained. I have noticed that I actually don't mind hearing the sound of my own voice now, something I couldn't say even up to a half year ago. If I could bottle the secret I would.

While we're still on voice topics, it looks like Andrea James has put together a voice training DVD. I've been told that it's good, but I have no firsthand experience with it.

Thought about my ex during a walk this morning. When I had called her back this past weekend I was in Girl Voice Mode. She apparently has a hard time dealing with it. It's so foreign to her. She asked me to switch back to "normal", which I couldn't because I had been stuck in Girl Mode all day. That seemed to upset her.
      I just wonder how it's going to be when she sees me in more girlish clothing. It's an inevitable thing, you know? Maybe she's having a hard time because on some level she's still attached to me? I admit, I still do like her and don't want to throw the friendship away. Maybe both of us have to renew our friendship not as boy-girl but rather as girl-girl.


Friday, 2002.10.11:

Need clothes.

So I ended up at a department store later in the afternoon sometime. And during the course of my shopping I got hit on by a clerk. I was looking at some outdoorsy shoes and couldn't find my size. So, this young clerk approaches me and I tell him my predicament. He runs back, gets me my thing, and shoes and while I'm trying them on he asks, "oh, are those for P.E.?" I thought about it for a second trying to figure out what he meant, and I said that I just needed them for going running or hiking later on. So he continues the conversation by asking which school I'm going to, and I replied, "um, I've been out of school for a long time!" To which he smiles and says, "oh, but you looked so young. I thought you were in school." The dialogue continues as I'm paying for my things and he begins asking me what I like to do and if I like to go dancing or do stuff at night. I told him I am pretty much a homebody and don't really like dancing. "But, if I had a body like yours I'd be doing everything!" What could you say to that? I just smiled and kinda coyly looked away. We finished up the transaction and I just ambled away with my bags in hand.

Wowzers.

So, in my afterthoughts I've been trying to disassemble the situation. Could he have just been friendly? Possibly, but he was asking too many probing questions and had that certain look on his face that speaks of interest. Why would he have thought I was that young? I'm not sure. Maybe it's because I'm relatively thin. Why would he have thought I have a body? Probably because I was using baggy clothes. I'm not even the slightest bit curvy, remember? But I was using a frumpy jacket open in the center and I had fairly short shorts on. Oh well, too much analysis.

Rod has now been introduced to the full Amber Experience TM. Not that he seemed to care or not. But we went out for dinner in a group and came back to the house to engage in friendly warfare---a.k.a. video games. Even though he seemed to have disinterest in it, it was good that he saw me in this sort of scenario where it was with familiar friends with only a slight change, me being the element that changed. In this way, I'm hoping that the net effect is that he'll not think too much of it in the future. It'll be like: "oh, that's just (boy name). He/She's always like that. Whatever." No big deal. That's the way I like it.
      Now, it was sort of weird having them refer to me all night with Boy Pronouns and Boy Name. When I'm out with other people in Girl Mode, they always look at me and say, "I look at you and only see 'girl'. It's hard for me to think of you as anything else, even when you're presenting as a guy." Ah, well, it doesn't matter at this stage much. I'm not going to correct them with the name and/or pronouns until I get closer to full-time. I mean, there's no point to forcing the issue.
      If I wanted to make it like my Boy Self never existed, I could probably do some arm twisting and get old references to my Boy Self removed from their vernacular. But, I harken back to an old rambling I did way back almost three years ago about making transition a group-oriented activity. I'm not in transition alone! I'm in here with everyone else that has known me and I need to afford them time to adjust. People have come in at different stages of the game, so I can't expect everyone to be at the same "level". For example, I think that for my roommates they might be able to see me as my Girl Self without too much of a jump. Whereas there are more "recently enlightened" people who are still adjusting.
      Besides, I'm in no hurry. Unless something else happens in the meanwhile the plans are to stay with HRT for a few more months and then decide what to do with my life.


Saturday, 2002.10.12:

Spent an hour on the phone with the friend who got her SRS back on Wednesday (Tuesday my time). Nice long ramble about SRS (GRS), HRT, SO's, jobs, sexuality, and driving long distances in cars. She's doing OK three days post-op. She related to me her semi-horror stories about paranoia on the job, going off HRT for 6 weeks prior to SRS, her massive (possibly) antibiotic-induced headaches, and lots of other little nasties. Hopefully one day we'll be able to meet up after having known each other online for probably about 3 years. We've never met because of the great distance between us and my lassitude toward planning vacations. I would love to tour her country, or if she comes over we can do a statewide tour of some of her acquaintances.

Went out to a real cheap dim sum place. It was actually pretty good but the ha cheung fun (large layered rice noodles with shrimp) was a bit pasty. The siu mai (small meat dumplings) rocked. I wasn't hungry when lunch started because I had had a little snack beforehand, but I ended up eating my share of the delectables anyhow. I'm such a pig some days. Oink.


Sunday, 2002.10.13:

It's early morning. Actually 12:34 AM. (I always thought it's a cool coincidence that you can have a time of day that is an arithmetic sequence.) I'm writing with a heavy heart because of something yet again that I've witnessed: my parents. Check out my brain dump if you want...

On a lighter note, I've finally scanned in pictures of yours truly. I've had numerous requests from people over the years and I've always resisted. It must have been my paranoia of putting images out which might be reappropriated by scary people for their own debauched purposes. But, hey, anything to bring in more visitors, eh? Just joshin'. So, they're out there. Take a gander. And if you steal 'em then my "Age 23" will come over and beat ya to a pulp. Heh.

Lounging around the house today doing massive cleaning. Just thinking maybe I need a change of venue. I guess I gotta be careful what I wish for.

Tried adding in some kind of Digimarc protection on the photographs, but gave up because I can't afford to pay the registration costs. I'd rather put the money towards collocated web hosting. Something may be in the works for that. More later. So, anyways, went with a simple multicolor interwoven text pattern across the image. A friend passed some code to disable the right-click of the mouse. I tweaked a couple of other things. I guess, if someone is persistent they'll get the images no matter what. I guess I don't mind people downloading them for personal storage, but I just don't want the images popping up elsewhere. Of course, someone will take this as a challenge. Oh well.
      Why did I decide to stick up actual photos? My thinking was that this helps validate that these pages are actually mine when I pass out the URL to people I've come out to. It's that kind of reaction like: "oh, I guess it really is you. You weren't B.S.-ing." You know what I mean, Vern?

I desire soup and yet all I have is canned products. I wish I had some of Kate's wonton soup. Oh well, I guess it's Campbell's Chicken & Stars to the rescue. It's amazing this little can of condensed soup holds 950 mg of sodium, oh and one tiny cube of chicken---just enough chicken so they can say that it has chicken in it. Well, after about 140 seconds in the microwave it's all warmed up and ready to eat. Or rather, drink. Slurp. Waitaminute: found another cube of chicken. Woohoo!!! (I'll try to contain my excitement.)

Also just rotated the music sample.


Monday, 2002.10.14:

An old friend has the cutest online comic, Tea Club! It's about the adventures of this cat-girl, Hana Neko, who is going through the usual trevails of college. However, her sense of normalcy is interrupted by a mysterious bear, then chaos ensues.
      My friend's a real jack-of-all-trades type of girl. In her comic she does all of the art and story line. She's even gotten to the point where a whole section of the online comic was bundled up into a real physical comic which just went national a few weeks ago---don't worry, there's stuff in the comic which only available in the dead pulped tree format. Oh, there's also a whole array of paraphernalia like cups, mugs, and t-shirts.
      Talk about "wow". It's very cool to watch a good friend mature from a fledgling artist to an seasoned professional. (Of course I'm just plugging her comic here because she made me a couple of Tea Club shirts... j/k! It's good!)

Oh what the hey. I got nostalgic last night and browsed some other song file archives from a day when I used to write a lot of things. If you're interested you can take a listen to another one of my favorites. When I got the pack of instruments to play with I heard this digital flute PCM sample and started messing around with it. I stumbled on this whimsical melody that, when coupled with wide-chorused string ensembles and a laid-back groove, just brought out this real soothing mellowness. Yes, the piano is a little out of tune---I didn't sample it! But it still works. Suggestion: turn off all the lights, crank the bass up a little, and make sure you have good stereo separation. File in MP3 format in the usual place.
      You might not even have noticed this or appreciated this but the playback rate of the recent MP3s is not 44 KHz like usual---it's 48 KHz. As a result, the high-frequency cutoff is around 18 KHz and not at 16 KHz. What this means to you is that the high tones are a lot clearer than a typical 44 KHz/128 Kbps recording. (Just thought I'd throw that in for those audiophiles out there. )

So, I was dead tired today. Run-over-by-Mack-truck tired. But somehow in my state of half-consciousness my roomie dragged me to watch a movie, The Transporter. I said I didn't wanna go but he was whining that I was going to be a homebody tonight and that I should get out and "do something". I was going to go and tidy my room and get to bed early. I jokingly said "the only way you're getting me to go for the movie is for you to pay for it." Dammit. He called my bluff and actually paid for it.
      So we went to the theater and a few friends joined us, allowing us to take up a little section of the rows of seats. I didn't know what the movie was about, but I have certain expectations for any movie like a coherent plot and decent dialogue. I was to find none of that. Had I known this ahead of time I would have definitely stayed home.
      You ask why I am so negative on the movie? Ah, well, try: terrible dialogue, lots of fake accents, gratuitous violence, one horribly set up sex scene, convoluted plot, no T&A, and very questionnable stunts. Apparently, I'm not alone in my opinion. If you're going to have a mindless action flick I think you should keep the plot as simple as possible. Here they tried to flesh out characters' backgrounds and there was this real incestuous relationship between the bad guys. And for the chick, usually she is eye candy right? Well, there was only a very brief part where she bared any skin at all; I can't see how that was even slightly satisfying to the males in the audience.
      Now, I'll say that it had really well-executed action sequences and beautiful cinematography, but that's not enough to float my boat, you know? I almost fell asleep. In fact, halfway through the movie my inner voice started saying: "psst! Amber! When's this movie going to end?" I probably would have started dozing off it wasn't for one little thing: TB Syndrome (Tiny Bladder). I figured that if I fell asleep I might be waking up half drenched. Thanks a lot, spironolactone! I could have got at least an hour of sleep! But I'm finally home and it's time to head off to bed...


Tuesday, 2002.10.15:

Added a link to Tarepanda Net. I didn't update the Updates pages about this because most people can't read Japanese and hence wouldn't be.


Wednesday, 2002.10.16:

It's still nice to know I can deliver a sweet rail gun shot from across the arena. And I was handicapped, too. My usual table I play on is currently in use elsewhere so I ended up having to sit on the carpet. So, with a laptop literally on my lap and my optical mouse on the carpet, I roamed the halls of Quake III delivering deadly punishment. My roommate attempted to best me but I think I've won more games than he. To be fair, he is equally deadly, if not more deadly with certain weapons, however I usually take the advantage of finding an extra rocket launcher and am moving at breakneck speeds.

Onto transgender topics: I'm going to have to select my shirts more carefully. Certain shirts are beginning to "tent" in the chest region. That's not exactly a good thing considering I don't plan to attempt full-time until next year. Actually, I'm growing too slowly for it to be a major problem. Nonetheless it is possible to have some embarrassing situations these days. I happen to notice this when I passed by a mirror in the late morning at work. People wonder why I'm always wearing jackets or baggy sweatshirts. Well, it's a good thing I like them anyhow.

Back to multivitamins. I can't take these anymore. They're too big for me to swallow and too putrid for me to grind and drink. There's just no winning! I guess I'm going to try a different type. There's one that I sort of had my eyes on, and then there's another bottle of chewables I might try. If I don't find a way to get a vitamin/mineral supplement I can take I'm going to cry. I know I need it until I can get my diet back on track. I've been doing better, but not great.


Thursday, 2002.10.17:

Friend showed me a hilarious game involving feeding fish. It's actually really fun if you get past its weirdness. Imagine having an aquarium where you feed the fish and they "drop" money after some time. Then add fish that eat other fish, aliens, and laser cannons. Oh, but let's not forget the primary goal of putting together pieces of a fractured egg... Somehow it all strangely works together to make a very odd yet satisfying game. Go play "Insaniquarium" on PopCap Games.

A person on a message board I frequent pointed me towards a whole pack of old music formatted in this really ancient MIDI-like format called a "MOD". (The MOD file is mainly a carryover from the days of the Amiga and the growing music scene.) Anyways, listening to a bunch of those music files brought back a lot of old memories for me. It's hard to describe my connection to them. I suppose you could sum it up as I have been very musically-inclined (thanks Mom and Dad!) since very young and my exposure to MOD files was a way to finally be able to realize some of the songs I used to think about. I guess, whenever my brain quiets down a little I usually start thinking about music. It's like, some people draw with pencil on paper and I "draw" with sound on an audio canvas. I never had a lot of money---I still don't. But I've been around computers ever since the early days. (Thanks again Mom and Dad.) The advent of MODs allowed me to access an infinite number of instruments and compose entire arrangements without ever needing to buy anything else. Before I got my hands on MOD editors (known as "trackers") about the only instrument I had at my disposal was an out of tune piano. Thanks to the Internet and a bunch of kids in Finland who put together then-impressive audio software I had percussion, bass, synths, pads, leds, woodwinds, etc. You name it. It was like going to Disneyland.
      I don't know what I'm going to in regards to music these days. I find all my time gets taken up with transitioning, friends, and work. I rarely find time to sit down at my keyboard anymore. I sort of miss it. Maybe one of these days I'll set up a web page and start laying down new tracks. This has been on my mind for years. I want to finally arrange a consistent sound and write some songs that come from the heart. So maybe, just maybe, I'll resurface in the future on some web page with some CD for sale.

Just called up my parents and spoke to Mom. She got my letter and said she knows they both have to do something about themselves. I won't go into detail but I was a bit disappointed that her answers basically told me nothing is going to change---their knowledge does not equate to motivation. I don't know what to do about them. I have resigned myself years ago that I may not be able to do anything for them and will have to let history play itself out. I dunno.
      In our brief conversation we also brought up the fact that we have to chat sometime soon. I'm glad that she's pushing for it now because we really do have to talk. They're hoping that I'm going to have a "change of heart". I told her simply that we probably should discuss this when all three of us (Mom, Dad, me) are in the same room and well-rested. I don't really know what I'm going to say to them. I know that I'm going to try to level with them and let them know that whatever it is that is affecting me certainly isn't going away and may not be something I can change. (I always felt I don't have choice in who I am, I can only choose how to deal with it.) I've been happier with myself in general these past few months than in a long time. I'm hoping that Mom and Dad will be able to see that and understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. I still have my misgivings, but my general direction is towards transition and beyond.


Friday, 2002.10.18:

Ended up avoiding all responsibilities of work today and ended up tagging along with a couple of friends to a local mall. I was so tired I was a complete vegetable in the passenger seat most of the day. We jumped between a few stores full of clothes I would probably never wear except as a Halloween costume. Actually, that's exactly why we went, though the costume wasn't for me. It'll be interesting if Jen can pull this one off...

Talked to my ex today. She's having a very hard time with me. I happened to call her back while in Girl Mode and once again she was like, "do you have to call me like that? Can't you talk 'normally'?" *sigh* I've been trying to tell her that my Girl Mode is mostly "normal" these days. I guess this is going to be a long rocky road between me and her, and in the end we may have to part ways because she can't quite deal with the changes. I guess she has a deep attachment to my old self.


Saturday, 2002.10.19:

Lazy day. Dropped by my parent's place but they weren't home. Seeing as how I had nothing better to do and I wasn't going to wait for them I cleaned their house. Vacuumed, cleaned glass, and dusted. I left them a little note. Mom called me back later with a little smile in her voice. That was nice. I don't expect a reward. I just want to make their lives a little easier.

So, I think I may have a way that I can get my multi-vitamins and minerals without having to completely gag on pills: drink mixes. (It was either that or chewables.) So, I've been trying out Balance 40-30-30. The store I go to has the chocolate and vanilla versions. I still think it tastes like crap but it's a far cry more palatable than the pills and won't make me outright gag. Maybe I just have overly sensitive taste buds. Or maybe it really does taste like crap?
      Now I appear to be getting all the stuff I wanted and in a form which I can stand. But, I have to figure out a good way to dissolve it. Two level scoops of the mix is about 45 g of stuff. It didn't seem like that much at first, but then you're supposed to add 8 oz of milk or water to that. After doing so it was very lumpy even after a few minutes of stirring. I kinda looked funny at the container labels searching for some hint as to what I was doing wrong. The last sentence of the directions reads: "For best results, use a blender or electric mixer." No kidding!
      My only concern with any of these supplements has been potassium and this one has 500mg of it. The way I've rationalized I can use a mix like this is because I used to drink a lot of OJ. After having read the OJ labels I was startled to find an 8 oz glass contained 450 mg of potassium! (I used to drink at least 3 glasses of OJ throughout the day.) So, by comparison, I'm actually getting a lot less potassium than before. Funny how that works out.

Oh, found something insidiously cute: It's Happy Bunny.


Sunday, 2002.10.20:

I'm back down at my parent's house. It's nice having a little break from my own life. My life runs at 90 MPH all of the time. I'm used to it. So are my friends. Coming to my parent's quaint little house is like taking a step back into my childhood where there are few rules, no work to take home, no need to worry about bills, and no putting up with bad drivers. I just sit back, shoot the breeze, sip on chilled juice, and blog.

Just finished watching a little programme on giraffes, Tall Blondes. Wow. Giraffes are cool. Thanks to PBS we can see these things. I expressed concern that people exprience life through their televisions, "they just watch the world go by from that little glowing window". But, the counter argument to this is that there are just some things that we can't experience ourselves. I seriously doubt I'm going to be out in the wild following animals from the back of a Jeep. (You never know, of course, because I never thought I'd be here blogging my life either.)

Remember how I said that I was disappointed that it didn't look like my parents were going to change anything about their lifestyles? Get a load of this. I'm sitting across from my Dad, a typical guy in his late 60s. Actually, he's quite Homer-esque right now---hair loss, sedentary lifestyle. Let's zoom the camera in closer on what he's eating. What's that? Flaming Hot Cheetos and Natrual Ice beer? I guess some things never change. (BTW: did you happen to know that the lame Frito-Lay marketing people actually spell the Cheetos brand name as "Chee.Tos"? I can't believe it. No wonder why none of my Google hits were hitting the name. Sheesh.)
      And you know what's really funny? I flipped on my parent's TV when I first arrived and it came on and football was on the screen. Ugh. I don't really like watching sports on TV. I changed channels. Football again. Ugh... Next channel. Soccer. Nah. Click. Commercial. Click. PBS special about giraffes---the one mentioned above. Oh, OK, I can stand giraffes. Awwww... How cute!
      So the special ended and my Dad picks up the remote control. He asks, "mind if I change the channel?" I shrug and mumble, "oh, OK, sure. I changed the channels when I got here because I don't like watching sports on TV." My Dad just looks back at me for a few seconds and I sense that I've just said something wrong. He grins and says, "well, you know what?" My face drops: "oh, you wanna watch ... sports?" My eyes roll and I throw my hands up in the air, "oh, whatever." Three seconds later we're back watching football. I find it ironically funny.

Had a little heart to heart talk with my Mom after lunch. (Oh, BTW, she bought me lunch in repayment for yesterday's impromptu house cleaning. That was really touching!) She's having a very difficult time with this. Well, so is Dad, but we're talking about her now. She obviously doesn't believe that I have no problems passing right now. I told her that in very recent times, even dressed casual-trashy as I normally do, I've been getting some attention and have been face to face with non-TGs who couldn't figure out I was TG. She said that "there must be some clue that would tell them that you're not a woman". I said, yes, there are but I guess in the overall presentation people just didn't care. She gave for example that maybe my voice would give me away. I told her that I change my voice when speaking in Girl Mode, and she was like, "oh no..." I told her that it's obviously something not permanent because I was speaking to her in Boy Mode.
      I said that one day I should come over and do Girl Mode for her. She said, "oh, no, but what will the neighbors think?" And I said I wouldn't wear anything other than what I'm wearing now---jeans, runners, t-shirt, sweatshirt. I said it didn't depend on what I was wearing. I added that most people don't even know that most of the clothes I use now are women's or unisex.
      Case in point. I was helping my Mom make some devilled eggs today when my Dad looks over at my shoes. "Oh, those are nice shoes. I used to have New Balance pairs like that." I smiled and said they were good and comfy. He then went back to talking about other things. What he didn't realize is that those are women's runners. Granted they don't look that girly but he'd flip if he heard that the majority of clothes I wear these days are women's. I don't consider it cross-dressing because items like these are just integrated in my wardrobe. I wear them because I like them and they fit, not because they are women's. If I find things in the men's department that I like, I'd probably get it too. I have this thing for baggy sweatshirts---don't ask me why---and the guy's versions are roomy on me. Though, I have to admit, guy's jeans are beginning to fit a little bit funny.

My Dad just told me as well that his dad and uncles were all in WWII. What was somewhat unusual about that was that they were all Chinese and there were seven of them. Yup, seven brothers in the same family! Apparently they were sent out worldwide. I don't know the exact details but I know that some went to Guam, some to Europe, and all of them made it back alive. My Dad said his father was lucky in that he missed a particular transport or something and so avoided a plane that was being sent out to Okinawa. Apparently, most of the people on the transport perished in the fighting. War sucks, but this story was pretty cool.

For your dose of random daily fun, check out http://www.chee-tos.org/movies.asp. Random movie quotes. Weird... This was found during the search for said Chee.Tos information. Also, Simpsons Archive: Homer's Mmmm Lines. "Mmmm... sixty-four slices of American cheese..."

Did some updates to this site by removing pages on electrolysis, surgery, and medication. I finally concluded: why duplicate everything everyone else has already done? I was going to be putting up specific information about the medications I'm taking, but it really is redundant. Instead I put up a transition events page. It sort covers the "what happens to people that transition" question.


Monday, 2002.10.21:

Nuts! Looks like I just lost my good pair of sunglasses. I'll have to hunt for them later but I'm not hopeful. The worst part about them is that they were a gift...

I was wearing one of my usual bras the other day and I've been noticing it was feeling loose. Now, I have been thinking to myself: "gee, I guess these things don't last that long, do they?" I have only used it less than two dozen times, so I sort of refuse to believe the elasticity has gone from it already. Then I did something rather interesting yesterday. I pulled out some photos from August and ones recently taken in mid-October. I compared the body shape and guess what? The muscles in the upper back have totally diminished. No kidding. That would possibly explain why my weight has been dropping, my clothes are feeling looser, and that bra fits less tightly than it has before. Just a couple months difference. Weird.
      I was looking at myself a few days ago in the mirror and for some reason I kept thinking: funny, I seemed to be losing that muscular shape I used to have. But I couldn't put my finger on it. The latest photos appear to be concrete evidence that something is going on.


Tuesday, 2002.10.22:

Oh noooooo!!!! My laptop's hard drive (which this site is built on) has just completely died! I was in the process of logging into Windows this morning and this dreaded message appears on the screen, effectively saying "an I/O error has occurred". This was followed with messages complaining the computer "can't load your profile and am giving you a default desktop". I searched around my hard drive only to find that my most important directories were now completely inaccessible! I couldn't believe it! All my work enscribed onto metallic platters and no way to get the data out!
      Fortunately, I am so glad I have one habit: I back up my data. Thanks to once-a-day backups I the majority of my data.


Wednesday, 2002.10.23:

You know, if I ever thought Armageddon was coming maybe it is like this. So my HDD crashed yesterday and took me out the whole day. Thanks to the quick work of a tech in our building I had my laptop back by 4:30p with a new 20 GB hard drive in it. But the task of reinstalling and configuring was to begin...
      I spent all night loading software from our work servers and off the Internet. But I had to stop around 10:30p because I had to get to bed. I was surprised on Monday saying that starting today my team would be in classes every day through next Friday. Yes, every day. So that means I still have a misconfigured laptop and no time to fix it! But wait, it gets better...
      I was going to update my laptop configuration from home over the next few days. But that's also problematic because my home DSL connection has now been accidentally disconnected! Yup. No Internet from home for the next few days until that gets resolved! So if I want to fix my laptop and/or communicate through the Internet I now have to do it from work, and I'm not going to be sitting around at 11:00p at work. Sheesh.
      There's a sliver of hope that will help alleviate the situation and that is I may be able to get modem access from home. But, since I share the same line with other roommates and we all talk on the phone, none of us can stay on the modem that long. We'd have people call us on our cellular phones, but we get poor reception in-house.
      I almost feel like we're flies and someone is slowly pulling off our wings. We're rapidly falling into an information void. So, if I disappear for a few days then you'll know why...

You know what, too? I have found a new snack: apples. I pretty much hated eating uncut apples since my early teen years because I always had them cut for me. (Long story why.) When I started getting busy in high school I stopped getting apples because I had no time to prep them. Now jump to October 2002: I bought a small bunch of organic apples on a whim. The apples have now replaced my midday snack of soda or popcorn. The net effect is that I'm getting the sugar my body wants along with some other healthy nutrients. I think it's a win-win situation, don't you?

Oh, just heard a sample of Finding Your Female Voice and it looks and sounds very good. I can't speak to the rest of the content in the video but it has strong potential. Consider it yet another weapon in your arsenal for achieving a better voice.


Monday, 2002.10.28:

Ever have one of those days where you just want to run around screaming "the sky is falling!! The sky is falling!!!"? Well, my whole past month has been like that have both been one of those days. I can take life's troubles one at a time or a few at a time without any incident. But when you have pain after pain after pain, it gets a little bit much for me. I'm telling you, this is horrendous! You'll allow me vent, won't you? OK. Here goes the story of what's been happening since the 23rd of October and why I haven't really been online...

2002.10.23:
2002.10.24:
2002.10.25:
2002.10.26:

2002.10.27:
2002.10.28:


Tuesday, 2002.10.29:

Recent history has been pretty unkind to me. I realize that there are many people in this world in dire situations and so I'm not trying to make light of that. But nonetheless life has been ... uh ... shitty. It's just all those little things that just keep coming up. I'm already beat up mentally and physically from the events in the past few weeks and the hits just pelting me! I'm at wit's end and seriously need a vacation. Thank goodness I switched to a 4-day work week because otherwise I'd go insane. Honestly.
      I've never been in this position before. I feel totally trapped in my own life. I'm stuck in my job, stuck in transition, stuck w/ my family. It's very uncomfortable. It's not that I'm just sticking my head in the sand and letting people beat me up. Oh heck no. I've been trying to be proactive and find solutions to everything. But I just don't have the physical stamina to be going on 4 hours of sleep each night. I'd tell you about exactly why I've been relegated to half of my normal sleeping hours, but it'd be an even longer story than the list above.
      I really don't know what I'm going to do. If I do nothing and just kind of let events run their course, I'll be held accountable for work that wasn't performed but if I can't quite do the work that I have been assigned because it's dependent on other people. It's amazing.


Wednesday, 2002.10.30:

I've gotten no work done today. I'm sitting at my desk, yes, but my mind is elsewhere. I'm so numb, so disconnected, so discombobulated. To borrow lyrics from Weird Al this pretty much sums up how I feel:
I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes

I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?"
"Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?"
"Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck

And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
...

Everything You Know Is Wrong, "Weird" Al Yankovic, Bad Hair Day album.

      I woke up this morning late because I figured I didn't have any meetings. I wanted to recover some sleep and maybe reinstall some DSL software that arrived in the mail yesterday. So I fetch my laptop and start loading the software. I get my roommate on the house phone and am chatting with him as I walk through the configuration process and then the phone dies again. I swore at the ceiling and called him back by cellular phone---which is also still having problems. We talk about getting the Pac Bell techs out here and making sure they do a thorough check of the place. I hang up, swallow my morning meds, and amble to the kitchen.
      As I'm sucking down twice reheated udon soup leftovers there came a sudden tapping, as if someone gently rapping, rapping upon my house front door. I spun around spilling a little soup onto the linoleum floor as I briskly unlocked the locked front door. And there was the Pac Bell tech. He was baffled at our phone situation where every so often the phone will just disconnect for a few minutes. He looked through all of the jacks and searched every room. It was a mad hunt to try to find the layout of the house wiring and he even exclaimed that "this is not standard wiring". Great. We've inherited a problem house.
      As every minute rolled by I grew more frustrated. I could just see the costs piling up just having this guy here. We absolutely cannot be without basic telephone service. That is not kosher. So in my head I figured that I would just call in to my boss and tell her that I can't roll into work until early afternoon at the earliest. She's pretty understanding, having just relocated herself, and so I just let the tech do his thing.
      1.5 hours later the tech finally says he thinks he's gotten things fixed. The kitchen jacks work, my bedroom jacks (which were dormant when I first tested them a week prior) are now active, the second small bedroom is disconnected (because it was problematic), the house alarm has been disabled, and the line is generally OK. He blames 80% of the difficulty on the house alarm trying to seize the main phone line and the erratic wiring running throughout all of the rooms. I'm glad he seems to know his stuff.
      So, hopefully this is the end of one of many mega issues currently active in my mind. I really really hope we don't have any other issues. But knowing how things have gone I am doubtful that things will go smoothly on the other fires that we're fighting at the moment. I jokingly said to my roomies that all we need are some natural disasters to top off all the difficulties we've been having.
      The current track on my WinAMP is "The Night Santa Went Crazy". Somehow I find this song quite satisfying right now...
Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he'd been gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower and he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said, "It tastes just like chicken!"

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can't hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin' in reindeer guts

There's the National Guard and the F.B.I.
There's a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin' 'round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin', the body count's risin'
And everyone's dyin' to know, oh Santa, why?
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doin' time
In a federal prison for his infamous crime
Hey, little friend, now don't you cry no more tears
He'll be out with good behavior in 700 more years
But now Vixen's in therapy and Donner's still nervous
And the elves all got jobs working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Clause, she's on the phone every night
With her lawyer negotiating the movie rights

They're talkin' bout - the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of gettin' gypped

Wo, the night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he's gettin' a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Wo, something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya, something finally must have snapped... in his brain

The Night Santa Went Crazy, "Weird" Al Yankovic, Bad Hair Day album.


Oh yeah, I went out to dinner with Steven and afterwards we were searching for a Starbucks. We went to the one closest to home and they had just closed! At 8:00p! What?!! It turned out they had to do some store stuff and closed early. I thought Starbucks never closes... We were too tired to go hunting around for another one so I just went home and got a can of Mountain Dew instead. Oh well...


Thursday, 2002.10.31:

Playing catch-up all day, pretty much. I'm way behind in my work now after having survived multiple disasters. There are still several lingering issues but we've got a little momentum into resolving them.

Thanks to some good friends I've been able to lean on the past few weeks have been more bearable. Without them I probably would have started calling in sick.


     September   |   October 2002   |   November     

Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:


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