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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Thursday, 2003.01.02:
Happy New Year! What a year it was and what a year this will be. I'm just bracing myself for the onslaught of Life. Who truly knows what the coming year will bring, but I'm pretty sure that it will be turbulent. I've weathered the storm so far, but it's wearing me down physically and emotionally. Thank goodness for the support of so many. It's tough to get through this transition, but not impossible.
So, I've been very lax in updating things around this site for a while. Why? Well, my usual answer applies: I've been really busy. Gee, what happened? Well ...
Last week on Christmas Day I came out to my brother, right? That is going so-so. I don't have high expectations, so the whole future for this has yet to be written. I'll keep you posted.
Last Thursday I bought half of the components for my new computer. I was hesitant to buy the whole thing outright because I was waiting for some of the parts. Well, on Friday I got the final parts and it was up and humming by nightfall. As reported in a previous Blog it is a relatively fast computer. Not the fastest, mind you, but good enough to meet my needs. I must say since last Friday I've put a bit of mileage on it! In fact, one of the main reasons why AWZ was not updated until now was that I wanted to freeze any changes to the site so I could transfer it all over to the new computer. I hate keeping two copies of data in sync! Thus, this is the first blog on the new system.
I have spent so much money on this thing already! Argghhghgh... The hardware has been expensive but I've been looking at the software licenses. It'll be hundreds of dollars for them! I'm trying to conserve most of my cash reserves for this coming year's medical expenses and prepare for the high possibility of unemployment. (Right now is a terrible time to transition...) But I did manage to "splurge" for licenses for WinZip (because I'm so dependent on it) and TextPad, my favorite text editor. I'm looking into alternatives to Microsoft Office and I think I found one. I would have gotten then OEM version ($350-ish) because I want Word and Excel, but I decided in the end that I'd rather put that money towards a nice 17" or 19" LCD display, which will be in the $600-$900 range. (Can you believe the LCD is possibly more than half the cost of the computer hardware?)
But, once again, I'm willing to shell out about $2,500 because this is the first new personal desktop I've had in 6 years. Because my job revolves around programming and web development, I needed a more powerful system and something that was compliant with today's level of software. I hope this box will last me at least 2 years more.
What's kind of fun about this whole computer thing is that my two roommates have also been building their own computers. So we now have my Athlon XP 2400+ and their two Athlon XP 2600+'s in-house. We have been doing a lot of gaming because we now have a much higher baseline system requirement. We've all got the ATI Radeon 9700 Pro cards and I must say that none of us is wanting in the graphics department anymore. Plus, what's even cooler is that Seth's computer and my computer glow in the dark. I have an all-black case with a blue glowing front panel and accompanying black mouse with glowing blue mouse wheel. Seth's got a case with a see-through side panel and has fans that glow blue, red, and green.
New Year's afternoon and eve were spent playing games, eating, and drinking until the very wee hours of the night. We consumed a lot of electricity with our LAN party considering we had four high-powered desktops with large montiors, several amplified speaker sets, one laptop, our TV, the house DVD player, the stereo system with 100W subwoofer, and all the house lighting on. But, we don't do parties like this very often. I'm pretty exhausted from it still.
Back to the computer: I've been moving things from my old laptop to this new computer and it has been taking forever. Thanks to a enterprise-grade 100-MBit switch I was able to transfer gigabytes of data across the house network. Then I spent the next three or so hours rearranging my hard disk directories! I must have deleted a few hundred megabytes of old unwanted data in the process. It is nice to have a clean hard drive to complement my newly-cleaned room. Oh, I vacuumed my room for the first time in 3 weeks because I was finally able to clear the carpet of junk. Anyways, I just hope my new HDD doesn't crash before I can make a whole slew of backup images of the HDD. That'll be tomorrow night's project (Thursday).
What else? I've been cleaning my room and sorting out lots of receipts, junk mail, magazines. I must have done 4-5 loads of laundry in the past few days. I've been filing and sorting records in my cabinet. I think my life is coming back into order.
That leaves me time to get back to working on my transition. I need to churn out some coming-out letters. I've been really procrastinating on them. I think the reason is because now we're nearing that Moment of Truth where I let the world know that I'm transitioning at work, home, and everywhere else. I know we've said that I passed the Point of No Return a long while ago, but I can still revert if I absolutely think it's necessary. A haircut, reverse HRT, and a little surgery could possibly give me back my old life. Now I have to really decide if I put the brakes on or not. I'm not inclined to, but this is yet another sanity check that I do every once in a while.
So, I grow more nervous as the days to mid-summer near. June 2003 will mark 1 year on HRT. I'm dubious when I'll actually attempt full-time but it would be nice if it were in the next few months. What worries me about that time is not so much the coming out process but I think just me fitting back into society. When I change over from full-time male to full-time female I'm going to have to leave a lot of my old habits behind. Not that I'm married to them at all, but it's one of those things where I almost am certain that I'm going to look a little weird for the first few months because I'll be figuring out how to live full-time. I know what I need to do before then, though: do part-time.
Really, that seems to be the most sensible thing to do. What this means is finally doing the friends-and-acquaintances coming-out letters very soon, like mid-January to mid-February. That'll let me not hide anymore when I come home from work so I can begin to test the waters and get rid of the old masculine stuff. It would also allow me to approach the management at the office and begin to make preparations for my on-the-job transition (should I still retain my job). And all of this is making me more nervous. When I said earlier that I was more worried about the fitting in part than coming out part, I take that back now. I think both are equally scary in their own right.
I don't know what else I can do to make myself feel better about this except concentrate on the path that led me to this point: I was being honest with myself and I now know I will not be a very happy camper playing the male role for the rest of my life. I need to find within myself the resolution to commit to this transition full-heartedly. I know I can do this and succeed. I just have to be strong and very observant to make quick adjustments to my outward appearance and behavior so I won't stick out.
Anyways, it's far too late to continue babbling. I just figured I'd write a longer Blog considering nothing has been posted in days. So, my best wishes to you for the New Year!
Friday, 2003.01.03:
These people on some DM-Antalus Unreal Tournament 2003 servers weren't very good. I mean, I entered about 6 matches, 2 or 3 of them which I won. I found that a lot of people didn't move around enough and were easy to bounce over and shoot from the topside or backside. Ah, maybe I'll buy the full version of the game. I must say that it is a very pretty game...
By the way, I'm procrastinating. I really should be writing my coming out letters (one to HR, one to colleagues, one to extended family, one to friends). I have been avoiding this responsiblity because ... well, I don't know. It's not writer's block. It's more like ... I'm dreading something. Usually the words just flow freely and then I take time to rearrange the thoughts later into a more coherent form. Anyways, now I know I have another distraction: UT2003.
Oh, and, yes, I haven't responded to some of my e-mail since mid-December. My apologies. Replies are still forthcoming. Probably after I get the letters written. But, they are indeed forthcoming...
And, yup, the sensitivity of the areolar region is increasing. Becoming somewhat, uh, annoying. This is the price of progress? Oh well, I guess it can't be worse than genital electrolysis, eh?
Now for a delectable treat: Clodhoppers! Even the bag says: "CAUTION: HIGHLY ADDICTIVE." OMG they so are. My Mom gave me this bag of them over Christmas and they have been comforting me during many a late gaming session recently. I got the Chocolate Fudge Graham Wafer Clusters version and they are just awesome. It's like eating Rice Krispies dipped in a light batter of chocolate. Mmm...
Saturday, 2003.01.04:
What's with laser printers being so expensive?! I really want one to replace the old one I gave away to my ex-girlfriend. My old one was under $200 and did quite well with 600 DPI, but I couldn't find a Win2K driver so I gave it to the my ex who had an older operating system. Ironically, she upgraded to WinXP so she doesn't have a proper driver either!
I'm strongly considering going ink jet now. I have a whole slew of digital photos that I'd like to print and they look much better in color. But I also like jet black laser text. I guess, however, economics will rule and I'll get the ink jet at about half the price. I saw an Epson the other day with something like 5700x2200 DPI. Neato. I'm leaning towards that, though there were some HPs that looked like good deals.
My Dad's a graphic artist by trade and I learned a lot from him over the years. Since then I've applied a lot of my skills and knowledge to doing printed media, and the one thing I need is a good output device. I thought I could live without a printer but oh was I wrong. I am finding that I need to churn out letters to my therapist and to my friends. So I guess I'm going to have to get my own printer. I could run off a few sheets at friends' houses, but I really need my own device so I can print, revise, then print again. Plus I'd really like to print up some nice photographs, calendars, CD inserts, etc.
Argh. I'm techno-babbling. I should get back to talking about other things.
Coming out letters. I wrote up one but it's a bit on the largish side. I'll trim it down or something and then maybe post it somewhere on this site.
Sunday, 2003.01.05:
Finally got a printer! I settled on the Epson Stylus C82. About $150 buckaroos, plus a couple of discounts---but I don't know if I sent in the forms in time! The things which drew me to this were: 1) brand recognition (my parents have loved their Epson), 2) good reviews (a large number of users seem to be reporting their happiness with it), 3) fair price ($150 is about right for me), 4) fine resolution (5760x1440 DPI should yield a fine enough dot pattern to reproduce smooth tones on high quality paper), and 5) 22 PPM black print (I do a lot of B/W printing). I hope it will be a choice that will serve me well into the future.
Speaking of choices, I broke down and bought UT2003. I have already logged about 6 hours on the demo and I figure that if I play any game over 50 hours then I ought to support the company that created it. So, I have installed all three discs to my neato computer, my little black box. (It really is black!) I'm debating publishing my nick online here, but we'll see. If I totally suck against some of the veteran players then no. Otherwise maybe. The only thing I'll say at this point is that I picked a distinctly female name and female character. Funny, it's just like the old days long long ago when I used to do the same...
Oh, I found out my compounding pharmacy stiffed me a half bottle of my prescriptions! Yikes! Since this is all coming out of my pocket, only 30 capsules for $78.90 is a bit hard for me to swallow, no pun intended. I'm supposed to get 60 100mg capsules for a 30 day supply. I think whoever filled my prescription looked at the "30" instead of "60". So I called them back up and I got the remainder of the 30 pills filled "free of charge". (Duh! I paid for them! They're not exact "free of charge".)
I'm getting more grouchy these days. Either it's the progesterones, the fact that I've been sleeping really odd hours, or both. Hm, me thinks it's both. I've been still trying to work on those coming out letters, and I think I may have gotten one of them done. That's also sort of what pushed me to get the printer this weekend. I want to be able to present my letter to my therapist on paper so we can mark it up. Mmm... 5760x1440 DPI... *drool* Enough of my technobabble. I'm doing the Nerd Thing again. Sorry.
Now back to wasting time perfecting my aim with the Ion Painter.
(I guess I should be writing those letters instead, but I feel like procrastinating.
)
Monday, 2003.01.06:
Blech day. Spent tonight hashing out coming out letters: one to HR and one to my colleagues. I've gotten 3 revisions done and I think it's coming together real tight. That's good. My therapist will be reviewing them tomorrow...
Downloaded and installed some of the Radeon 9700 demos. They are mad sw33t! To think that this stuff is being done realtime on a PC graphics card? Amazing. I especially liked the Animusic one, though I'm partial to that sort of demo-style thing.
Tuesday, 2003.01.07:
My therapist reviewed the letters and said that they're not bad at all. I think I'll be cleaning them up and posting them soon. I still have a few more items to tweak. Another friend reviewed them and she said I should really shorten it and "get to the point". I thought about this and I decided not to shorten it that much. I like the fact that it is a bit softer and tries to use more common language rather than assuming everyone knows what transsexuals are...
Oh, I forgot to write this down on Sunday but I got a couple of e-mails on Saturday that just made me grin for hours. Andrea James of TS Roadmap fame let me know that AWZ is now listed on her links page. Wow. Really, TS Roadmap is one of those resources that I came across when I first started on my path to transition and it has been on my bookmarks list since then. If you've never been there, do check it out. If you use it, consider supporting the site to keep it going.
Wednesday, 2003.01.08:
Working from home has so many advantages! One of them is that I can wear a normal bra rather than be restricted with all these sports bras and bralettes. It's just so much more comfortable not to be smashed all day long. Ah...
An interesting thought when I was out driving today: I think I'm most likely hetero. Probably about 90% sure. The reason is because everytime I think back, girls don't really interest me but I have this strange attraction to certain types of guys. Now, this doesn't mean I can't find women attractive---all of my previous relationships were honest-love relationships---however, for all the ones that ended up being long-term I never went out of my way to find these people. It was like I knew them for a while, then we just got closer and closer together. I never showed any really attraction for guys before I think because I never permitted myself to do so. It was so taboo and additionally I'd never want to be in a guy-guy relationship. The thought just isn't the slightest bit appealing.
Also, another interesting milestone today, of sorts. I donated a few items to a local charity branch. It's good for them and good for me, right? Well, as I pulled up I was going over the bag of stuff I was donating and it hit me: I should not sign my Boy Name. No, I should use my Girl Name! I mean, if I'm going to transition this year then I'm going to file taxes as Amber next year. No sense in having my Boy Name stick around any longer, right? So, I signed it as Amber and will hopefully get a chance to use them as deductions for the 2003 tax return. I don't know why this never quite occurred to me before.
Oh, and I called up another local FFS surgeon and I'm going in for a consult in a week or so. Ooo... I'm nervous. I don't know why? Maybe it's because this may be one of my last stops to shop for surgeons. I like this person because he's gotten good reviews from my therapist, my endocrinologist, and other friends. He's also local and only a few minutes drive from my house, quite literally. So, that means a quick procedure by a conveniently-located doctor with little travel time and hopefully a better price. I guess I'll find out all the little details when I see him next week.
Thursday, 2003.01.09:
And another one down ... and another one down ... and another one bites the dust.
Went out for dinner yesterday and found out that yet another friend has succumbed to the Layoff Epidemic. She was working at a technology firm doing C++ coding, and now she's been given the pink slip.
It's stuff like that that makes me not want to transition for a very long time. I've been on a long project that looks like it is running into continual delays---a release was expected quite a while ago. How does that make me feel about job security? Not a whole lot good.
So, here I am thinking that if I try to go through the conversion to full-time now then I'm potentially incurring some serious problems. With the job market being so down and people being on edge, if I get laid off I think it'll be difficult to get back into a new job.
My therapist has been pushing me to transition. She does have a valid point: I've been at this for 4 years and I need to move on. However, I think we have to be more cautious about the timing. Assuming that the workplace is as it was in the late 90s/early 2000 where those who transition still keep their jobs because they're valuable assets, now the management could reorganize me into a new group and then terminate the group. Or they might find creative ways of making my life in the office a living hell, and force me to leave.
This is too much speculation, and negative energy to boot. I won't dwell on it too much longer, but I think the point is that I have to be wary even when my therapist may not be as cautious. You know the ironic thing? I could still do my transition carefully and still get terminated. Wouldn't that be a real kicker?
...
I called my Dad up around 9:15p today. I had something weighing on my mind: I need to talk to them about transition. My transition. No more tiptoeing around the tulips, I needed to lay out what's happening. We've been having very cursory discussions up until now. We'd shoot the breeze and talk about whether it was right if people changed their bodies, whether the mind was really possible of handling such a change, blah blah blah. But, I felt it was time to lay down the line. I'm tired of waiting for my parents both to play catch-up with me. More to the point: I can't. I'm on a clock which expires in a few months and at that time I'll be full-time.
Dad and I talked for almost two hours on the phone, and we never do that. I layed my heart down on that line and came close to tears several times. In the end of our conversation, nothing really was solved. He's still adamant that I should accept my body the way it is, that changing it is wrong, that there aren't successful people out there post-transition, that medical technology is not up to an acceptable level, blah blah blah. And in the end I felt really blah myself.
I don't know really what to do at this point. I told him straight out that I'm going full-time, and that means I change my name, my appearance, everything. I do it 24x7, no exceptions. I told him I'm sterile, I've got boobs, I won't ever grow a beard, and I'm hormonally female. I made it clear in no uncertain terms that I am far into this process with no serious intention of turning back at this point. But I wasn't entirely harsh.
I brought up the point that I didn't want our family unit to break up over this. I told him that he and Mom were the hardest sells. I told him that Calvin, my bro, is on board with this as are a good number of my friends. I'm moving along and I thought it was a pity that he and Mom aren't on the train with me. I literally said that "these are miraculous times and few parents get to see this in action and have these conversations like we're doing." I whined, I pined, I sighed.
Only one little hope remains: we're going to meet up on Sunday and talk a little bit more about this. I'm hoping that he will have spoken to Mom since. (Mom has been having a really rough time with this, not to mention her poor health.) I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Wish me serious luck. No, I take that back. Wish my parents serious luck.
Friday, 2003.01.10:
Boy do I feel smart. I just did my laundry and coming out of the dryer I found my AmEx credit card at the bottom of the dryer. It's kinda warped and melted.
I had most likely put it in my back pocket when I went to go fill up
for gas---you know, slide the card into the machine, put the card in
your pocket, proceed to fill the tank. But this was probably the
first time when I forgot to take it out of my pockets. And so the
jeans it was in went through the wash and into the dryer.I've never quite done this before. I don't know why I missed it. Usually when I get back into my car I search my pockets and make sure I put the card back in my wallet.
I'm still thinking about last night's conversation with Dad. I'm also thinking about timelines, about how much longer I can and should stay in Boy Mode. I was really hoping to get a few more months of HRT change under my belt before doing anything. I think, though, what will be the limiting factor is the trach shave. I need to know when that is going to happen, if at all. I want to see the next doctor, get an opinion, evaluate the costs, and then just go for it.
Had a most interesting conversation with a long-time colleague/friend today. We chatted in her cube for about 1/2 an hour (which is pretty short when it comes to our conversations) and in the course of our chat the topic of hair came up. I commented that I really don't recognize her because she had her hair really short for the longest while and then cut it down to a boyish bob for a couple of years. Only in the past year has she grown it back out and it's now even longer than my mane. She asked how long mine was so I pulled out the hairband that always keeps it in a neat ponytail and down past my shoulders my hair unfurled. Her next comment was, "so, do you get it cut at a salon or something?" (No, I actually don't.) What could you say to that? I just said, "naw, I just go to Supercuts or something and get it hacked off every couple of months or so."
We then got onto the topic of nails. These are odd conversations I'd never heard us have before and quite off the wall for any other guy in the office. I feel like she's prodding for information but won't directly say it. And I'm not going to devulge any information until months down the road. What a tangled web I weave...
Now to something completely different: I can't seem to get my Unreal stats tracked. I created an ID, patched up, lost all my config data, and subsequently forgot my password.
Now when I return to the UT stats page I don't see the latest updates.
Oh well... Maybe I'll create a new ID just to see if gets
listed. (I think I may be giving up Warcraft III because I just can't
get good at it, but UT is something I'm not bad at
apparently.)
Saturday, 2003.01.11:
Check out the Ramble.
...
I just went out for a long walk and thought about Life and stuff. I asked those questions over again why am I here and what am I doing. And then the most interesting thing happened. I started actually looking forward to surgery and, more importantly, the life beyond surgery. I had visions of me in my own place tending to my plants. I saw myself going skiing. I thought about taking music theory and composition classes. I thought about my middle name. I imagined myself processing digital photographs and making little calendars and stuff. I thought about hanging out with friends having a wine cooler and just talking about nothing in particular. I saw myself smiling.
All in all, I can imagine a life post-transition. It was like my transition never existed. I felt good and warm...
...
11:40a
And I just came out to Kelly. She is neither here nor there about it. I guess we'll see how she takes it over time. I just gave her the spiel about how I'm going through a tough time and I'm seeing doctors, taking medication, got rid of the beard, and will be changing my name in a few months' time. I asked if she had questions, and she said, "no, but the important thing is the personality. You're going to be the same person I've always known?" I smiled, "Yes, though the 'packaging' might be a little different, I'm the same person." Relief. One more person informed. Another weight lifted from my shoulders. And once again the household is 100% aware of what's going on.
Thanks, Kelly.
...
12:00a
So I hear this down the hall, "so, you now are part of the Inner Circle." (You know, reference to one of our favorites, The Whole Nine Yards.) I turn around from my desk in my bedroom to face the doorway and there is Seth and Kelly. I say to Kelly, "Yup, so you're one of the few, one of the proud...
" And, then
of course Seth just has to say,
"so, if you hear him talk then don't
be surprised." I nodded my head. Then Kelly pipes up,
"so ... um ... can I ... hear
...?" I put down the keyboard from my lap---I was writing the
11:40a blog above---and I bust out in Girl Voice,
"well, I usually don't like to do it
too often in front of people because it's weird." She just
pauses. Then meekly asks, "did you
do that with your voice?" I nod.
"No surgery can help you get something
like this. You just have to practice." She just giggles.
And then Steve walks out of his bedroom half asleep and he's
wondering why in the hell Kelly and Seth are smiling in the hall and
I'm talking in my forbidden Girl Voice. He's like,
"wha...???? What just
happened????" I think things around here are going to be
getting very interesting very soon.
Sunday, 2003.01.12:
Went to my parent's place this morning early. Dad cooked breakfast and I just kinda watched a talked. Scrambled eggs with grilled sausage. A side of toast. We ate and talked about nothing in particular as we were watching the 49ers-Bucs game on TV---he was paying attention and I just stared at the TV 'cuz I'm not interseted the least in football. About 9 minutes into the first quarter I finished my breakfast and trodded upstairs to just see where Mom was. She was in the bedroom and invited me in. I meant to just say "hi" then head back to my Dad in the family room. But, no, we began a long conversation.
A long conversation it was. But she didn't cry this time. We talked softly and calmly about the changes and trevails I'm experiencing. I told her about the upcoming trach surgery I'm strongly contemplating. And she said some new things that were different from all other times in the past. She said at one point that my changes and choices are something that will take time to get used to. This surprised me to no end---though I didn't say it---because it was the first time I didn't hear her have strong words of condemnation. No, this was more of the sort where there was a small ray of hope that flittered for just a second. (I don't know if she really meant to say it but we'll have to see over time.) Our conversation meandered, I helped her change the bedsheets, and I ambled back downstairs to Dad.
Poor Dad. He had been sitting through that entire game probably wondering why I had just up and left him. I didn't mean to, but I felt it wasn't a good idea to just leave Mom when we got deep into our conversation. So, when I came back down I could sense he wasn't in the greatest of moods. And, really, it was he who I wanted to talk to today. So, we started chatting and then he said maybe we can talk about stuff over lunch or something during the week. I said that I really wanted to exchange thoughts today instead, and somehow we began our long conversation.
Dad went on this long explanation about how he's done a great deal of introspection himself and how he's read walls of books on philosophy. He cited a bunch of names I had cursory knowledge of from my days in college. And he reinforced his adamant opinion that the mind and body should not be tampered with. I put to him the arguments of the intersexed and how mind and body may not match when parents perceive their children to be of a particular sex. He seemed to have trouble refuting arguments about that. But, he always returned to his position that this just wrong and that I should just take the "hard road" and find other ways to deal with my life than make a big change like this. I actually agree with a lot of what he said, but I threw in all my stuff about GID and how it's difficult for him to understand what I'm going through because he's applying his rules for living based on the fact that the gender and sex of a person are constants. Then I tried a totally different tactic that I just thought of on the spur of the moment.
I asked him, so if I go through all this change and even though he doesn't agree with it, could we still have lunch together, or go see a movie, or take a trip or something? He thought about it for a second and then said probably so. That answer surprised me just like Mom's. So, he's beginning to realize that I'm pretty serious about this stuff, but maybe there's a way we can still be family even if he doesn't agree with what I've done. I don't know for sure, again. Time will be the telling factor.
Monday, 2003.01.13:
It's sure nice to have a faster-booting operating system---Windows XP. It takes on average about 35 seconds from hitting the power button to logging in to my computer having loaded all of its services and utilities. Before the entry time was about 3.5 minutes and it drove me crazy.
Things are certainly starting to be different around the household, IMO. With Kelly in the know, I'm back to trying to do more part-time. As I told Jen a while back, we all need as much experience as possible before RLT---getting our "flight time" in. And here I am trying to work on my voice, go out now and then, etc. I hope Kelly's not too freaked out about the whole thing. You never know. It hasn't even been 48 hours since she was told.
So, because Kelly and Seth are here more often when I have to wash my hair it takes too long. I tie up the bathroom too long. So I have been thinking of ways to get around the problem and yesterday I found one: towel drying. Usually after coming out of a shower I start blow drying my hair and separating it with a wet hair comb. Instead I figured out how to tie a towel turban-style and save the hair drying for later. This lets me get through the rest of my routine quickly, grab the hair dryer, run downstairs, and use the guest bathroom where it's completely out of everyone's way. The other advantage to this is that by the time I get to drying my hair most of the moisture has been absorbed by the towel. But, it's bulky to wear the towel. I'll probably look around for some real hair turbans soon. They're made for this stuff and hardly cost anything.
Tuesday, 2003.01.14:
I was power-coding yesterday. That was very cool. I haven't really had a productive coding day in months and that reminded me of how I used to be programming all of the time. It was a time before I had tons of meetings, designs, documentation, and RSI.
I also should have gotten to bed earlier today. I looked at my main clocks at 10:30p and thought that that would give me 8 solid hours of sleep before I had to wake up at 6:30a to go exercise. Here it is 12:55a and I'm now thinking of skipping my walk. I've been hacking through my coming out letters. I like the way Kate's letters are structured, and so I'm drawing some information from them. I've also got a number of other kind friends who sent me their comments and their own letters so I can leverage those as well. At the moment I'm doing an introductory 1-page letter to HR and giving them a rather long supplemental packet full of the details of my transition. What's cool is how I have a color printer now and I may decide to drop in photos colored accents into the document.
Wednesday, 2003.01.15:
"Coming to Jesus time." That's what one of my friends says often. Today I was faced with a decision which I hope I will not regret. Before even stepping foot in the surgeon's office I made a pact with myself: if he says the right things then I sign up, if not then I walk. I had a series of questions laid out on my Palm Pilot and after a brief chit-chat we ran through them all. I stepped out of the private office and up to the receptionist, the Dr. Orisek behind me saying: "Amber would like to be scheduled now." I smiled and she opened up her appointment book. I rattled off dates and I said I'll take one of them. And so in a short while I will have my tracheal shave done with. Hopefully there will not be any complications...
I feel so numb right now. I am hesitant because this will be my first surgery---not counting two orthodontic procedures I've had years ago. This, I think, is a major step that really signals no "going back". I'm nervous, anxious, worried, elated, and in some way at peace with the whole thing. I want to get this over with, and yet I'm afraid of the procedure. I shouldn't be afraid. More over, when I think about it, I'm not afraid of what I'm doing to myself from the point of view that it has some transgendered connection---I'm actually happy that I am doing this because it's solving an irksome problem. I'm only nervous about the surgery complications. I don't want to lose my voice and I don't want to have a huge scar. Dr. Orisek going to has done a number of these thyroplasties in the past 6 years and has not had one complication (yet) according to him. His placement of the scar is where the chin joins the neck, so even years later hopefully the scar will not be that visible.
Thursday, 2003.01.16:
I'm feeling better about yesterday's decision. I still have fear, but when I really think about it, I begin to ask myself certain questions: what is it that I fear, and how can that fear be addressed? The What in this question seems to be:
- I don't want to look out of place as a girl.
- I don't want to have injuries as a result of surgery.
- I worry about the long-term complications.
I think the important thing here is to carefully look to see if I have regret about soon being post-op (even if it's just for the trach shave). No, I'm looking forward to it. I would say that I have regret if what I am about to do is going to alter my life in a way where it would exclude me from either 1) enjoying things that I've done in the past/present or 2) enjoying life in the future. So, my concerns are if the surgeon will be able to avoid catastrophe and once I transition if I'll fit back into the populous.
... (20 minutes later) ...
Wait. There is one little thing which I will regret, but I'm not sure what the future impact on my life will be: I cannot use any of my previous accolades. Nope. You know, stuff where I've received certificates or recognition for. What just elucidated this fact for me is that a friend from work just informed me that one of my patent ideas has actually passed examination at the US Patent & Trademark Office. Yup. That means sometime in the next 6 months I'm going to have a bonafide patent with my name on it in the US PTO and on a plaque sitting in our halls. But there's a little snafu there, isn't there? When I make the change over to being Amber my boy name will no longer exist. And if I were to ever reference the fact that I helped earn my company a patent then people would not see my name on it. More to the point, it would be a direct link to my past like wearing my transsexual past as a badge.
I don't really know how I feel about this point. It makes me very happy to see that there's another feather I can put into my cap. At the same time I feel a little disappointed because no one (except you, dear readers) will ever have known that I had a patent once in my name. You know what's even funnier? If I go full time in the next 6 months and there is any public recognition of it, it's going to look real weird with me being in Girl Mode and the plaque in Boy Name. I never thought I'd have to think about this. Funky...
... later this evening ...
I finally got Microsoft Internet Connection Sharing to work on my computer. This is great! I have my desktop connected to our LAN but my motherboard has two ethernet cable connectors. So, I got a crossover cable to bridge my laptop with my desktop and now I can connect to the Internet from my laptop. Yay! No more swapping cables between the desktop and the laptop! (Well, unless the desktop is turned off...)
Friday, 2003.01.17:
Almost got through all my unread magazines last night. Just one more: Biography. And also went flipping through my inspirational quote-of-the-day calendar. January 11th's was:
You don't just stumble into the future.True 'dat. True 'dat.
You create your own future.
--- Roger Smith
I'm always one that believes that we cannot let ourselves or ones we love be victims of circumstance. Not taking action for your own life leads to gradual decay of the things you own and the loosening of bonds between people you relate to. If you believe your life is important then make your life a priority. Even if an outcome appears bleak, in many cases there are ways out of the problem if you take command and explore your options. Draw upon your inner strength and realize that you can make a difference for yourself and for others.
Sunday, 2003.01.19:
I've never really worn nail polish before. I know what you're probably saying: she's almost 30 and never wore polish? Well, actually, no. I blame circumstance and motivation. I never really was drawn to having nails painted up but then again you have to look at the people I've called my friends from elementary school up through college: all of those girls were fairly tomboyish and only two I can think of wore plish. Everyone else just had natural nails. You have to understand that we were all rambunctious, very athletic, very casual people. I rarely saw close friends with hair dos. And when I got to college I was around guys 99% of the time. And, since I was either living with my parents or other roommates (and we all slept with our doors and windows open), I don't think I could have gotten away with experimenting with nails for very long.
But that's all past-tense now.
Sure, I'm still mostly around guys, but most know of my peculiar gender transformation and I'm also starting to talk to more GGs. And so this weekend a friend said we should do a sleepover type of thing. Four of us (2 GGs, 2 NGGs) met up for dinner, movie, fun, and sleep. I had never done this before, and almost previous sleep-overs were either at friends' birthday parties when I was in single digits.
It was quite a different experience, I'll say.
It was cool not having to think about the face that I am an NGG.
We saw A Guy Thing---a
hilarious romp! Then we headed back home to do "stuff". I got a
serious lesson in the use of nail prep and painting. I gotta pick
up some of this stuff for myself later and just experiment with
it. It was a fun night.The next morning (today) wasn't so good tho. I think I might have stayed up too late last night and been cold at the same time. I woke up with a sore throat and a slight headache: I was sick. I could barely talk and didn't have that much energy left. So, I got back home a little earlier than I wanted to. Oh well, maybe next time. Funny thing, tho: I came back home to find Steven and Kelly both sick too. So, maybe it's not just being tired and cold last night but maybe something really is going around.
Monday, 2003.01.20:
This cold has hit me harder than any other cold I can remember in recent memory. It had a relatively quick onset Sunday and then I just went down the entire day today. I dialed into all of my meetings and was very surprised I could still conduct a design review and even have a rational argument with my problem colleague. All this while being stuck in my sweatpants with a 101-degree fever. Ugh. Kelly and Steveo aren't getting any better either. Add to this, I just read an e-mail from a friend who too is down with the flu. Hm, I think there's a conspiracy going on, no?
Oh well, I am sort of bummed because I haven't gotten any of my letters
done and I won't be able to present my slideshow presentation in front
of our division tomorrow---yeah, I was supposed to be one of the
speakers.
*sigh*
My concerns aside I hope Mom is getting better. I'm so worried about
her because when she's sick she's out for weeks. Her metabolism is
so low and she's getting older so her body just doesn't recover even
from the smallest of things. That's really sad.
Tuesday, 2003.01.21:
I'm still a bit dazed. I think the temperature is getting to me. I didn't get all that much work done because I just could not focus at all, I was waiting for info from colleagues, and we had that division meeting today. I was really disappointed not being able to have delivered the presentation myself. Oh well, next time. Though, next time it might be as Amber. That definitely ought to be interesting.
I did see my doc and he just said that it looks like my body is on the mend anyways. He recommended no special medication, just Motrin for body aches and Sudafed to prevent nasal infections. What was kinda funny was I think this was the first time I've seen him where I was wearing a sports bra. So just before he took out his stethoscope I casually asked him if I should, uh, remove the, uh, thing. And he sort of gave this long pause, but said it probably didn't matter. It's not like he doesn't know what's going on with me but he's never really been confronted with the recent developments.
Wednesday, 2003.01.22:
Feeling much better today. Enough to devour 10 translated manga of something called Pretty Face by Yasuhiro Kano. It's one of these gender-bending types where guy gets remade into a semi-girl and hilarity ensues.
The countdown to TCR continues...
Saturday, 2003.01.25:
I think I'm losing track of time. For some reason I thought today was either the 23rd or 24th, obviously both are wrong. I don't know for sure. It must be because I've been sick all week and have been working in my jammies instead. Time really feels different when you're out of your regular cycle I guess.
Seth drove us to an outdoorsy mall in the mid afternoon. We hit Gap, Banana Republic, J. Crew, etc. I found a couple of pants, shirts, and a nice sweater. I saw lots of things I wanted but resisted most stuff. I imagined how I'd look in them and quickly realized I just don't have the body for it. Truth is, I may never have the body for it---things just aren't in the right proportions I guess.
And there's something else: I don't have the attitude for it. I'm not really sure how to put it but I don't think I exude femininity in the way women naturally do. I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it may have to do with the fact that I still feel I sorta look too much like a guy. Because of that I just don't project confidence. I'm pretty much over my fear of being read because I don't think I get that, but I'm not yet over my fear that I look silly.
So, I ask myself: if I looked better, would I feel better? Absolutely. How can I change my appearance to look better? Well, TCR is in just a few weeks and that'll remove my problem with the whole Adam's apple thing. I hate my brows but am slowly paring them back. I'm learning how to use makeup to hide and enhance. And I'm working on the clothing part now. Clothing is sorta still a problem because I haven't figured out a comfortable way to tuck and my body shape is still pretty masculine. Maybe given a couple more months my body will come more into line with mainstream proportions and I'll get the tucking done right.
Sunday, 2003.01.26:
12:05a.
Yesterday was a bit of a bummer in some ways. It was good being out with friends and I found some good stuff, but one thing really bugged me: Seth. It was just his whole attitude. I mean, he is one of the people who said he'd be supportive of my transition and that it wouldn't change our friendship. And yet, he can't bring himself to even use the right pronouns and stuff. Kelly is much better about this. She was trying really hard today. She pretty much made my day. Steven was just there---he was pretty low-key.
At this stage, when I'm just starting to really get out into the world, I really don't need my own friends to be giving me negative signals. I know it's hard for them. Excuses aside, I hope as many people are on board with me otherwise it will really strain our relationship.
Ah, ignore me. I'm just in a funk of sorts.
Next weekend: Macy's Super Saturday sale. I've already got a list about as long as my arm. Muahaahaha.
...
11:55a
Jen is really cool. She always has a way of saying stuff that puts everything in perspective. I mean, we went for coffee and we talked about stuff including all my insecurities. It was just a comforting talk. "You have so much to look forward to." Indeed. Here I am fretting over my whole appearance thing, but it will pass. I will do fine. It's just, my inadequacies at the moment need to be squashed.
What stands out most for me is that I just feel incompetent having no childhood as a girl. I feel that I've missed out on so much stuff that would be really useful right now. You know, the little rules of socialization and life that you learn. True, there is a lot to be learned, but it's not an overwhelming amount. I have to understand that I will never be a perfect girl, but that's OK because the standards on who or what women are really don't exist. There's guidelines but no standards because we're all different.
...
4:30p
Watched a little bit of the Super Bowl. They're 3-3 right now. I never really was into football; I just watched for the heck of it as I sipped on some Pepsi Twist. I had the Sunday paper out in front of me and flipped through it while the game ran on in the background.
I pulled out the Career section and started looking at the ads. Boy, it's depressing out there. I looked for computer jobs and realized how inadequate I am in terms of today's job market. What's worse is that I was thinking about if I were to have graduated from school by now what skills would I have. I don't think they're much better off. It's funny that these job positions are really scarce and they're asking for C++ and embedded system programming, stuff that is actually fairly old. I saw one position asking for Java and XML. Whee.
I'm now thinking of life 2 - 3 years from now and asking myself just how long I can survive this. What other skills do I have that can make money? Gee, I really don't know. I know that I can write, program, make music, and draw. The problem is that the only area where I have professional experience is programming and I'm so outdated there. I want to move towards management but that means I'd have to get experience managing people and I'd neat a number of classes for certification. I don't know if my company has the budget for it.
It's just bleak out there. Reinventing oneself is hard enough. Reinventing and retraining is much more difficult. I can't just brush up on my skills anymore. I need to get a whole new skillset. I suppose if I survive this then most other things in life will be cake.
...
5:44p
See what happens when I actually slow down the pace of my life a little? I write and write and write and ... I tried keeping a diary long time ago in my youth but found it took to long to write anything down. I would have written volumes if I knew how to type back then. I didn't take formal lessons until I was in 10th grade.
Anyways, so I just got an e-mail back from someone that I consider to have "made it" in her own transition. Seeing as she had gone to full-time early last year, I was asking her about how she handled the whole tucking thing. In her case she said that it never really was an issue and there wasn't anything special that needed to be done. And body proportions? Even she admitted to wider upper body and slim hips, and yet she found stuff that works with her shape. I guess I have hope now.
Harkening back to something that Jen said earlier today about how we all have to figure out what enhances our better qualities and de-emphasizes the negatives. It's just that I haven't figured out what are my good qualities yet. I know, I just have to experiement. It's too bad that it comes at such a high cost.
Monday, 2003.01.27:
Just weighed myself and it's scary. More scary bad than scary good. For the past few days I was thinking: gee, my jeans are fitting me a lot better. Even the ones that were initially way too tight for me are now actually not that bad. So, in my weekly weigh-in session I looked down at the scale. I moved the scale to a different part of the room and weighed again. You don't want to know how much I weigh now. Really. The only thing I can think of that would explain this is that I've been sick recently. But I only really didn't eat for 1 day, and all the rest of the days I've had a fair amount of food. Weird.
...
Refilled my estradiol prescription. Co-pay went from $10 to $15! Ack! I searched around and the cost for the patches I'm using is about $32-$41/box, so I'm paying almost half of the cost. Oh well, some subsidizing is better than none.
Went to lunch with Dad and I brought up the point that I'm going in for surgery soon. He still maintains that he's totally against this sort of thing, but he did wish me good luck with the procedure. That was nice to hear. I think he's come to the realization that he can't do anything at this point.
Mom's been real sick recently. *mega sigh* The flu that took me out for a week or so has really done damage to her. She started out thinking it was food poisoning, but she has been having a lot of other symptoms. It's sad to see my Mom degrade from a lively person to someone who sleeps like 10 hours a day.
Actually, Dad hasn't been all that good either. I was saying to Dad over lunch, "why is everyone in our family having their health crisis at exactly the same time?"
Tuesday, 2003.01.28:
Reviewed my coming out letters with my therapist. It all pretty much looks good to go. All I have to do now is pick the dates and roll with it!
T-7.
Wednesday, 2003.01.29:
Yay, I leared how to write something useful in PHP. I just wanted to learn it, so I rebuilt my web browser start pages in PHP. (I run an Apache Web server all of the time on my computer.) Instead of opening up with the default start pages I actually set the browsers to open a page on my own web server. Doing so means that all of my most commonly-used links are actually stored on the same HTML page. It's really convenient. it has links to everything I use so often including searches for Google. I also plan to design a small blogging system and build it into the home page so I can scribble notes to myself.
T-6.
Friday, 2003.01.31:
1280x1024 is just so nice. Having a new 17" LCD display is just heaven. I just tried it on UT2003 and there is virtually no blurring at all. It was near-perfect. If you're wondering what I'm raving about, maybe you should see what other people are raving about. This Hitachi 174SXW-B rocks. I purchased the display from MonitorsDirect and their service was excellent as well. Ah, this made my day.
T-4.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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