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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Wednesday, 2003.04.02:
I am 3V1L. Muahahahaaa!!!
Maybe about a week or so ago I asked Jen if we'd like to have a little fun at Ursula's expense. Jen, being agreeable and devious in her own right, nodded at the idea. And so, at the stroke of midnight yesterday (April 1) we set out to reprogram Ursula's cellular phone while she was asleep...
You have to understand the background first, though. Ursula loves all sorts of music, including most of what Coldplay produces. However, the song Yellow just drives her nuts. I mean she hates it with such a passion that if you start playing it or singing it around her you are quite liable to get hit with a thrown pillow, fist, or something else that she thinks will make you cease and desist. And, of course, that's exactly why we made her phone sing "Yellow".
So while Ursula slept we did our worst. Jen pulled up the Nokia ringtone editor and picture maker on her laptop. Not long thereafter we had entered the musical score from the first bars of the first verse up until the section where they're singing "yeah they were all yellowwwwww." In addition, we created the companion graphic which said "and it was all YELLOW." (That was a lot shorter than "yeah they were all yellow.")
I still have yet to get the details of what transpired when Ursula realized that she had been pranked. I did, however, get a text message back from Jen saying that, and I quote:
Put it this way... Numerous threats of bodily harm to you have been made today.*Amber cracks her knuckles*
April Fool's Day Mission 2003: complete.
So, what else is new around here? Well, I got my progesterone prescription changed from compounded 100mg pills taken 2x daily to a topical gel at 400mg/3CC applied 1x daily. Yesterday was the first day I used it and I was like: OMG, they want me to put 3 CCs of this stuff on me?! That's a lot! And indeed it is. Let me describe it to you.
I popped the syringe into the bottle of goo, flipped it upside down, and drew 1 CC into it. I squirted it back out onto my left arm and rubbed it a little. It covered the entire frickin' arm! I looked back at the bottle label with raised eyebrows realizing I had two more applications! The instructions said spread over arms, torso, legs. I shrugged and squirted two more CCs of schtuff onto my arm and smoothed it all over. The instructions said about 3 minutes drying time was all that was needed to make it invisible and odorless. Oh ho ho... After 10 minutes or so my left arm was still milky white and now it was just getting crusty. Ewwww! (Keep in mind this is the whole arm!) I just sighed and then tried to rub it all in...
I called up the compounding pharmacy this morning to ask about this and they said that it didn't dry properly because there was too much gel on my arm---duh, who's making me put 3 CCs on my arm?! But, they said that I needed to find a place for all 3 CCs because it is all best applied in one go and I have a high concentration of progesterones in there. So today I put 1 CC on my left arm, 1 CC on my right, and 1 CC on my torso. That seems to have worked just fine but the problem is that it means I can't wear much in the way of clothing for the 5 minutes it takes me to apply it and let it dry. But, such is the price of progress I suppose.
I was also staring at myself when I came out of the shower nad marvelling at what 9 months of HRT can do to your body. This stuff is really voodoo magic...
Saturday, 2003.04.05:
With all the talk about SARS going on I'd be pretty worried about catching something and dying. Well, I'm more worried---actually perpetually on alert---for anything containing nuts. Unfortunately, I'm part of the 1 in 150 Americans who is allergic to peanuts. The last time I got a reaction to peanut stuff I got this sort of a rash inside and had to regurgitate for a while. (Ew... I know.) But I've never had airway blockage associated with severe anaphylaxis, fortunately. Things change over time, though, and I don't really know how my body will react these days. I'm pretty careful about what and where I eat, and I'm not seemingly allergic to anything else. Of course, this does mean I miss out on a lot of Indian and Thai food...
Anyways, the last time I went in for a doctor's checkup, my endocrinologist and I got off on a tangent about peanut allergies---she's allergic too. She was surprised I didn't have an EpiPen. Admittedly, I'm a bit surprised myself, but I've never really felt I absolutely needed one except for the one time I went travelling through Asia about 3 years ago. So, she wrote me up a prescription and I finally ended up filling my prescription for the EpiPen this morning.
"0.3mg Epinephrine Auto-Injector" is what is printed on the side. That and instructions on how to jab the thing into yourself. On the one hand I think it's pretty gross. I mean, putting that big needle into yourself. Through your clothes. Sticking out perpendicularly. And then having to hold it in place for a few seconds.
But, I guess if I'm going into shock I'm not going to care no matter how
much it hurts or how ugly it looks. Hopefully this little guy will be there
for me when I need it.On the topic of medication, I'm still trying to decide if I liked the pill progesterones or the new topical gel progesterones. The pills are quite a bit less messy. But if I was to get an equivalent dose to what I'm on now then it would require larger or more pills to take down. Ugh. And now the 4 minutes it takes to dry isn't so bad.
Monday, 2003.04.07:
Just popping in to say I'm tired, dirty, and want a vacation badly. I'm not losing Internet connectivity but I doubt I'll be around my computer much in the next week or so... Sorry for those who have written expecting a reply---it looks like it's going to be another series of delays. More later!
Saturday, 2003.04.12:
Trying to convert to part-time is pretty hard. I really didn't devote a whole lot of time previously in order to get all my clothing and stuff in order before making the jump to part-time and now I'm finding out just how inadequately prepared I am. Oh well. Better now than later.
You might ask: wasn't I doing part-time before? Yes, sorta. I was like 80% Boy Mode, 20% Girl Mode. Recently, the situation has changed where now I'm trying to do more like 30% Boy Mode, 70% Girl Mode. There was an opportunity to make my Girl Mode time a more significant chunk of my daily life and I debated over it for a while. (Actually, it was only about 2 hours of hemming and hawing over dinner and dessert, but it felt like a long time.) I knew I was seriously underprepared and that I really should get some more of my affairs in order before going forward. But as a number of people have mentioned to me, I really need to get off this stupid fence I've been perched on for so long and my change in living situations is a real kick in the pants.
Ah, so what happened you ask? Well, I won't bore you with the details but we did a little bit of Roommate Roulette around here. As a result I've lost a couple of roommates and picked up four new ones: one girl and 3 cats. Yup. Talk about a lifestyle change. As a result, most of my hours away from work are in Girl Mode, or as close to it as I can get. And now I've got this running list on my Palm with all the things I need to be able to stay in Girl Mode most of the time.
See, there's a difference between looking female and then looking like a half-decent girl. Most people addresses me as a woman, so that problem has been solved. But rarely do I look actually "together", you know? I blame this problem on my low energy levels brought about by an extended period of intense gaming and working. I've got to cut back. I've been saying that for years, and now it's about to happen. I've got new job responsibilities and a new home life. I've also been changing my diet and this has made me feel better. All in all, this is a great amount of change in a short period of time.
What's next? Go back to getting my affairs in order, telling work, starting the name change process, and trying to console my parents a little---yeah, they're keeping my TG issues at arm's length all of the time still. Fun fun fun.
I also made a nasty discovery last night: I think I'd better go back for electro. Finally, after so many moons, I've noticed enough little hair that I think I really want to get it zapped away. The funny thing is that it probably isn't that much more than most GGs have, yet these are just annoying and I might as well finish the job. (Does electro ever end?!) So I'm actually going to try to go back to using my shaver for a few weeks while I accumulate enough stubble-like material to be zapped.
And courtesy of non sequitur: Ursula still has Yellow playing as her ringtone. Muahahahaha!
Tuesday, 2003.04.15:
Sometimes this whole part-time thing just gets darned frustrating. Now I am beginning to feel the reason why most people want to get in and out of part-time fast---I guess the same reasoning applies to full-time. I've had two occassions in the past couple of days which almost make me want to scream.
My parents have had a hard time dealing with the change, and I've probably written about that a million times by now. And no matter what I seem to do to try to coax them along, the usual answer has been "we're not ready." I kept telling them that one day this may very well become a permanent change and that it's usually best if we all deal with this now rather than later. Heh, so much for that.
I'm out shopping at the mall picking up shoes and jackets and stuff when my cellular goes buzzing. I remove it from my hip and check the number: "Blocked Number." Well, since I have caller ID I know that these people purposely blocked the number and only two people I know really do that: my parents and another one of my friends. So, I figure I got a 50/50 shot at it being my friend---anyways my parents rarely call me. I answer in Amber Mode since I am in Amber Mode and answering in Boy Mode would just make everyone around me freak in the mall:
Me: Helloooo???I sighed and then went on to explain that it would be best if I did because otherwise it would look odd and, besides, this is pretty much normal fare for me these days. She had never heard my Girl Voice until now---she said she wasn't ready for it. All I could do was reiterate our previous conversations that I was sorry for putting her through this but this is how things might end up being. We went on for another 20 minutes or so talking about it and what we're doing for Easter Sunday. At least we hung up on a positive note.
Them: ...
Me: ...
Them: ________ (Boy Name)?
Yeah oh- Hi Mom! What's up?
Mom: ...
Uh, Mom?
________ (Boy Name)? Is that you?
Yeah... I'm out at the mall right now. What's going on?
But ... your voice ... is so ... high? Do you have a cold?
Nononononono... I'm over at the mall right now. You know, shopping and stuff. Doing the girl thing, you know?
You know hearing you like this really makes me uncomfortable. Do you have to talk like this right now?
Now the other noteworthy incident happened when I was at home. I was cleaning my room when my cellular went off again. I looked at the number on the display---I didn't recognize it at all. I shrugged and just answered in Girl Voice (because that's about all I use at home now):
Me: Hello?About this second I panicked. She never calls me! I didn't know this was her number! How would I have expected it would be her! And now she's heard me! I did not want to even mention it was me just w/ a different voice. So I did the next best thing I could think of:
Them: ...
Helloooo???
This is Heather. May I speak to _______ (Boy Name)?
Um, he's busy right now. Can I take a message?And then they hung up.
...
Damn! Obviously they got the right cellular phone number and there's no denying that. I put the phone down and proceeded to pound my head into the wall. Bam. Bam. Bam. I thought: aw, hell, what if she tells everyone that my cellular had some girl answer it? I didn't know what to do. I was speechless. I wanted to take back the entire conversation. But it was already Out There. And then it hit me: they didn't know it was me so I can play it off as if it wasn't me! Yeah! That's it! I dialed Heather's number back in gruff old Boy Mode:
Me: Hey, is this Heather?
Heather: Yes it is...
Hey, it's ____________ (Boy Name). Did you just call me?
Yeah I did, I thought I got the wrong number but ...
Oh, heh. My friend picked up the phone. They said you called or something but hung up without leaving a message. What's up?
Yeah, well I just haven't talked to you in a long time and ...
| As I pounded my head on the wall I really was thinking: "Amber, that was really stupid..." |
So, afterwards I was thinking that I'm going to have to set up a new protocol in dealing with phone numbers I don't immediately recognize: let them go to voicemail and deal with them when convenient. I guess it'll have to be that way until I hit full-time. Grrrr...
Wednesday, 2003.04.16:
EV1L 4MY STR1K3S 4G41N!
Jen has these really big breast forms. On her it looks big, but believable and somewhat in proportion to her 5'7" frame. I mean, these are like C-cup monsters. Now, I had tried them on once as we were joking around and they are frickin' huge on my 5'4" frame. The C-cup plus my almost-A makes me like a large C / small D. I felt like my breasts were sticking so far out from my chest that I might never be able to see my feet again! Well, of course knowing this bit of information means that it just had to be put to use later...
So Jen and I had been having a chat a while back about how my friend Steve had gone on a two-week hiatus starting just before the Roommate Roulette episode. A lot of things can happen in two weeks, can't they? Can't they? Heh...
Seth and I drive up to the airport and park the car in the garage. I toss my purse into Seth's trunk and just stash my cellular in my jacket pocket. Steven called from his cellular to say he just touched down and had to clear Customs, so we knew we had a while to wait. I told Seth of my plans before we got to the airport, and as we walked up to the passenger exit from Customs he was grinning and shaking his head.
Finally Steven emerged from behind the doors and security roping. He crooned his neck and picked up his cellular to try to call us. He canceled the call when he spotted me as I was waving a "Hi!" to him. He came over to both of us and I give him a quality bearhug, making sure to press myself tight against him. We part and he turns to Seth, but they just smile because they know they don't really want to hug each other.
We three start walking away from the gate exit and exchange the usual how-are-ya, how-was-the-food, and have-a-good-trip lines. Then of course we get on to the topic of so-what-did-I-miss-while-I-was-gone. I can't remember what we said but it was nothing important.
Steve was looking forward when he sort of mentions sideways, "so, are you wearing padding or Wonders?" I said, "uh, actually I'm not. I sorta got a boob job while you were gone ..." His head snaps to my direction with wide eyes saying in disbelief, "nooooo...!" I do one of my little shrugs, "um, I did. You know a lot can happen in two weeks." He noted, "I thought you were going to wait before you got them done!" I played along, "well, I finally gave in. They're a little bit swollen right now but they'll go down in a few weeks." I think I really got him to believe it 'cuz when I told him that they're really breast forms he gave me a playful punch. Seth just chuckled most of the time.
When we got home I took my prosthetic breasts off. I showed him the bra and he was like, "whoa!" Then I showed him the silicone forms and he just gasped. He said that he was surprised how big (and out of proportion) the breasts looked on me, and that I had actual cleavage. Muahahahhaa.... Mission complete.
Thursday, 2003.04.17:
I have a real love-hate relationship with my progesterone gel. On the one hand I think it's working out pretty good and the effects, while I can't be certain, feel better. But, I hate it when I'm in the process of depressing the syringe and then I slip and really push the plunger down too quickly. Doing that just caused a good amount of the gel in the tube to splurt out all over my arm, my desk, my wallet, and my floor. Argh! This is only probably the second time this has happened but it's annoying nonetheless. My advice: don't use topical gels unless you're prepared for the mess.
...
Steven was really nice tonight---dare I say sweet. I sort of helped him out with something earlier and he decided to return the kindness by taking me out to dinner at a good restaurant. He really didn't have to, but he felt like it.
After a short drive we ended up at this kind of "contemporary Hellenic" food. I wanted to try the rabbit but apparently there's pistachios in there, which would certainly have brought our evening to an action-packed climax with me jabbing myself with my EpiPen. Instead I opted for a tender beef kabob with mushrooms and pearl onions, Steve the mesquite-grilled lamb chops. Both dishes were savory and tender. He had a Long Island ice tea, me a glass of Pellegrini Pinot Noir. Dessert was this dark-chocolate-plus-vanilla ice cream centerpiece surrounded by a rich chocolate sauce with a thin chocolate ornament atop the mound. To say that this experience was costly would be an understatement, but I guess you can't get this at McDonald's.
I felt silly at the end because that single glass of wine had me intoxicated enough that I had trouble walking---and that's not counting the fact I'm not used to shoes with a bit of a heel. (Hey, no jokes about me being a cheap date!
)
But, it was an evening
of good food, good atmosphere, and good company. I enjoyed it. He really
can be a sweetheart sometimes......
I have got to learn how to walk in shoes with more than a 1" heel. I've been told it's a matter of practice---we'll see if that's true. It just feels like there's too much shock running through my body with each step, so I'm trying different ways. I'm probably doing something wrong. *shrug*
Tuesday, 2003.04.22:
So my manager reclined a little more in her chair and raised her brows slightly with a question, "so, is there anything else?" Ba bump. Ba bump. Ba bump. Seeing as how we had nothing else to talk about at this point in my one-on-one meeting, I folded my hands into my lap and looked at her sternly. Bomb doors are open. I asked for her confidence, she nodded. Then the words slowly fell from my mouth...
Me: ... I've got something which I need your, and probably HR's, help on. But ... I'd like to give you a choice. Would you like me to tell you and we keep it confidential? Or would you like me to go directly to HR? Or would you prefer that we three sit in on a conference call?I had a stack of paper on my clipboard where I was taking notes. I pushed the top of the clip downward to open it and pulled out a few sheets of stapled paper that were hidden at the buttom of the stack. I turned them around so they were in upright position in her direction and handed them over gingerly. Bombs away!
Manager: I'd like to know first.
Okay ... So, you remember when I got "sick" 2-3 months ago and how I had [facial] surgery?
Yeah...
Well, that was actually one thing in a long line of things which has been going on with me, before the time when you came on as my manager, even before my manager before you.
...
It is something that I've been addressing that has been so pervasive, persistent throughout all my life, and I'm sorta dealing with it right now. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?
No...?
Well, I- uh ... I prepared some paperwork before our meeting ... would you like to see it?
Sure.
Her eyes scanned for about 10 seconds and then her eyebrows really shot upward which was accompanied by, "oh, wow...!" I braced myself for the worst, hands tightening, pulse quickening. Then ... she looked up ...
Hey, this is really great!I sat in stunned silence. Absolutely floored.
No, she really had just said "this is really great" and with a happy lilt in her voice. She then proceeded to say that she was really happy I was doing this and that she was 150% behind me. To say that I doubted I was still in reality would be an understatement. But, that is exactly what had happened.
We then went on to discuss how she'd go about contacting HR in the morrow and then we'd all pow-wow later on to hash out the details. She and I talked a little about general timelines, but I said that everything was pretty variable based on how long it will take the corporation to mobilize and for me to get my own paperwork done---at least a month I mentioned. And at the end the only thing I could think of saying was:
I am so ecstatic about this news, but I ... just can't jump up and down in the hallways yet, you know.She grinned.
...
Later on, as I'm writing this, I'm still shaking a little.
Wednesday, 2003.04.23:
My boss talked with our HR representative and guess what? She's handled a TS transition before, except not at this company. So she told my boss that she'll be looking up our procedures sometime next week. Whoohooo!!!!
I still am pretty frightened about the whole thing. But I think it'll work out. Now I just have to get that stupid license and SSA thing settled. Eeep! That means I have to take my picture?! Argh! And I wasn't planning on changing my hairstyle and all until closer to transition. *grumble* I am darned torn as to what I should do. Maybe I can try to effect something with a little bit of a different eyebrow shape and a little makeup. *sigh* Somehow I feel like things are falling into chaos around here.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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