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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Friday, 2003.05.02:
Looks like I missed the first of the month entry again. Oh well. Life has been busy enough that blogging really took a back seat. Actually, no, it's more the case that after last weekend's gaming session I haven't set up my desktop which has all these files on it. It really has been an inconvenience not having AWZ portable on my laptop, but I'm trying to stick to keeping my work and personal lives segregated. It makes things ... less distracting. Life is already hard enough trying to be two people all the time.
So, just how is life as two people? Insane.
You probably have heard a million times from me now that I can do the Girl Thing w/ relatively little effort. Thank Goodness. Leaving the house in the morning as a pseudo-girl, arriving at work 20 minutes later as a pseudo-boy, leaving work in the evening as a pseudo-girl, going out with people who haven't been told as a pseudo-boy, and finally returning home to be a pseudo-girl until the next morning. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I haven't yet really screwed up on the voice/mannerisms thing because I'm pretty mindful of which mode I'm in, but I know that the time is coming when it'll happen. Most likely when I'm waking from sleep. Since my default mode is female, I'm almost always awakening in that mode. It's sort of hard to describe but unless I have a solid reminder that I'm not supposed to be in Amber Mode, I will remind in Girl Mode. It's ultimately a Good Thing, though. It would kinda suck to wake up in someone else's room and the first thing they hear from me is this gruff baritone.
Hopefully I'll only have a couple more months of this. I've been working it through with my boss and our HR rep as to the mechanics of this. It's right now on my plate to come up with a simple announcement, workplace FAQ, and to find out from the other HR factions how long it'll take to change names, user IDs, badges, direct deposit info, etc. It shouldn't be that complicated, but hunting down the people to get it done isn't something that just happens with a single click of the mouse. Add to this the e-mails out to my bank, the DMV, and the SSA. I've got so much info to process---and generate. Oh yeah, and shopping.
Ah, shopping. A joy and a chore at the same time.
I'm one of those who really doesn't have an eye for fashion. I knew what I liked as a guy but really never paid much attention to what would look good on girls. I always use as my defense that it was the environment I grew up in---the girls I always knew, chummed with, or dated were more concerned about life than if they were wearing the latest in fashion. (Or, at least I saw it that way.) So, I never learned a lot of the feminine stuff or developed that much interest in it. Contrast that with now...
I have actually begun to develop an opinion of what I like and what I can wear. I'm always in a constant battle with my body trying to figure out what it looks like now and what it'll look like in the future. I can't remember if I gave an example of my body size change, but let's put it this way: four years ago pre-hormones I fit bottoms usually in a size 6 or 6P. Two years ago I changed my diet and started shrinking down into a size 4. Today my size is totally weird: I'm somewhere around a 2/3. Even the upper body has changed. No kidding. So shopping for clothes has been chasing a moving target.
This really hit home this past weekend when I was going out shopping with Steve in tow. I was looking around my closet for "something" to wear. I tried on lots of stuff I had bought a while before and it was just ridiculous looking at the stuff hang on my frame. So, I have a growing pile of clothes that I can't wear. Fortunately, I like baggy stuff, so most of my bum-around stuff still works. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, buying new stuff.
I was browsing around an Ann Taylor and Banana Republic, and found myself drooling at some of the things they had out on displays. Then, of course, you have to look at the price tags and it's like $50, $70, $120 for things. And that's per each piece. (Hey, the sticker shock gets me because this is sorta new still.) I don't mind spending money but I hate to spend it on things that 1) may be a size which I won't fit in the future and 2) don't really work together with other things that I have. I really want to be able to mix/match stuff. To this end, I'm enlisting the help of Lea.
Actually, it was about five months ago exactly that Lea was last mentioned. Well, she's a fairly fashion-conscious girl, but I'm not really all that close to her. (She's more familiar with Steve-o and some of his other friends. Anyways...) Steve, Lea, and I went out for dinner last night and I told her for the first time that I'm going through this transition. I don't think she was able to really absorb the full meaning of it all right there, and that was probably because I did such a poor job of explaining why I was doing this and what I needed her help with. (I was having one of my fuzzy-brain days where words were just not coming out right nor was I remembering things correctly.) But, she seemed initially not too freaked out, and she would like to go shopping anyways.
We'll see how it goes, I guess. I wrote her an e-mail yesterday after we all split up for the evening, and I'm now waiting for her to sorta say when she's available for a group-oriented shopping experience. She knows that my prime focus is finding stuff that fits in with women in our engineering-oriented office. As we phrased it, I should have something better than t-shirt-and-jeans yet not dressy-elegant. Sure, there's people in the office that do that, but it's not me. At least not yet. I'm feeling positive that my growing array of clothes is shaping up well; though, it still remains challenging finding things that I like, that look good, that are appropriate, that fit wide-shoulders narrow-hips, and are a reasonable price.
Oh, and as if things weren't complicated enough already, I think I'll be trying to start a morning workout routine. My roomie, who gets up at the insanely early, wants to do walks. It is a wonderful motivational/bonding/exercise opportunity, and yet I find it quite masochistic. I'm already sleep deprived trying to catch up w/ everything else. This is one more thing...
Practice makes perfect.
I've been playing around with nail polish once in a while. I'm still trying to get the hang of getting a smooth coat. Right now I'm waiting for another coat to dry. It's fun, but I just wish it didn't take so long.
My roomie is trying to
refer me to her beautician. Apparently there's discounts for
all of us (the referer and referee), so it's a win-win situation.
I dunno if I really want to take advantage of it right now
because it's like the only thing I can really have worked on
are my toenails since I'm flip-flopping boy/girl modes so often.
But, soon enough. Maybe if I get away for a few days in a row
I'll try it out. I saw what the beautician did for my roomie
and it was pretty good.Overeating is fun.
Much funer than waiting for nails to dry, yes. Probably since a little over a week ago I really started an overeating spree. That's thanks to many group gatherings and an Indo-Pak restaurant that just opened a branch in a neighboring city. So instead of having to travel an hour to reach San Francisco we can now enjoy the same food only about 1/2 hour away. Mmm... You might think of Indian food as being typically vegetarian, but this is far far from it. I'm told that in the northern sections of India/Pakistan that meat is much more prevalent and so the cooking reflects that. Thus we've been enjoying lamb chops, tandoori chicken, and lamb curry. I still don't know the names of some of the things, but if I go there myself I will definitely get the lamb curry and the garlic naan. Good stuff. Of course, you have to be able to stomach high amounts of spice otherwise it will be a very "memorable" experience for you---and for many hours thereafter. Mmm... I'm salivating/drooling profusely again. I have to stop that---it's bad for our hardwood floors.
Oh, hey, looking now at this last coat, it actually looks pretty darned good! There's a couple nails with a tiny bubble on them (oops, I guess it was too thick), but the other nails are smooth and shiny. Nice! All I have to do now is wait for them to dry completely, put the top coat on, and then clean up the edges. Hm, I might not be totally incompetent at this after all...
Saturday, 2003.05.10:
Welcome to yet another amazing chapter in the chaotic capers of Amber's existence.
When we last joined our heroine she was learning how to coat her nails. So, it would seem that I did it much better this time around because it lasted quite a number of days w/out much sign of wear and tear. Of course, there were a bunch of imperfections, but, hey, it's getting better.
...
<nerd mode>
I've been working way too much. I actually got the program running this week and I think it's most cool. It's one of those web CGI things where you use your web browser to interact with the application. This one was mainly to combine different Excel reports and spit out HTML. Too bad I can't show screen shots of it but it looks pretty clean and runs fast.
Making CGIs is totally old hat by now. Its what I was doing before switching over to Java. So, cranking out this app wasn't exactly mechanical but it was darned easy to put together. However, in the process of making this one I learned something new: how to traverse the W3C DOM in JavaScript. To say that this was a pain in the butt would be an understatement. Nodes nested under other nodes nested under ... I ended up writing some neato JavaScript to parse through HTML tables and build arrays of objects out of them.
The end result was that I could take a grid of cells, pinpoint one of them, and highlight it using a different CSS class while unhighlighting all other cells in the table. (You're probably thinking, "yeah, so what?") So ... I can now let users click on a 2-D grid of their data and have cells selected and unselected. This was a great improvement over having them type in the coordinates of the cells.
In the end it's all about making a graphical interface which is intuitive and lets the users concentrate on their work, not trying to work the interface.
</nerd mode>
Enough technobabble.
So, it has been over a week since the last entry. Last week was pretty crazy with a late night gaming session Friday, followed by an X-Men/gaming Saturday, I-can't-remember-what Sunday, 10-hour work day Monday, therapy and dinner with the parents on Tuesday, gaming Wednesday, a prolonged dinner Thursday with Lea, and a gaming Friday. I'm totally worn out. Tuckered. Pooped. Spent. Drained. I've also been eating pretty badly, too: Krispy Kreme, In-N-Out Burger, crispy fried chicken salads, heavy spicy Indo-Pak food, and other stuff I don't remember...
Went out with Lea on Thursday night. You remember I sorta came out to her when we went for dinner that night? So she and I chatted about hooking up again and in our conversations she said that could do shopping a bit later in the month when she's less busy but had a free Thursday night. And so we just had dinner.
We talked about clothes, hair, makeup, relationships, work, friends, and my whole transition thing of course. I don't know where the time went because we must have spent over two hours eating and talking. Lea's a cool girl, a bit different than the other girls that are part of our circle of friends (CoF). That is to say, Lea is probably the most fashion/presentation conscious person when compared to everyone else---relatively speaking. Some people have a good eye for colors, patterns, and shapes; she's got it.
I'm looking forward to going shopping with her. Not because of the shopping so much as the company. So, I think I'm going to take a day or two off work so we can just roam and do stuff.
Some of that time may actually be used for me to go do documentation changes. I'm not 100% sure, but I need to get on the ball if I'm going to do this. It's not like I haven't been looking into it, it just has been a maze of going through the system to get things done. My HR rep seems to have found a suitable person at work that can help with the technical side of the doc changes. So maybe I can get my information updated in a way that will allow us to minimize the number of people who know about it. That is, hold off making the information public until we're ready to make a formal announcement. *sigh* Details details details...
I think I've almost decided on a middle name. I'm leaning towards one that has a softer sound to it, but people have pointed out it sort of runs into my first name. I kinda like it tho...
Today I almost had a run-in with some people in our CoF who haven't been told yet. Ursula and I agreed to meet up at a restaurant at the mall for lunch. And so, I park and I'm walking through the mall, and I get within sight of the door to the restaurant and who should be standing outside it? Seth and Kelly. As I'm walking up to them I see Kelly tug at Seth's arm and when she finally realizes it is me she does this little half wave. Seth perks up just about the time I get there and there's this really big stupid grin on his face. I'm smiling too. Neither of us was expecting to see each other at the same time in the same place.
"Um, hi. Uh ... are you meeting Raymond and Jamie for lunch?"Seth smiled back, shaking his head, I think. (Raymond is Kelly's brother and getting married to Jamie sometime soon. Ray and Jamie haven't been told.)
"I don't suppose we should tell them, should we?"I can't remember exactly what we said, but it was one of those awkward moments. I've been sorta wondering when this was going to happen. The thing is, I wasn't planning on it happening today, you know?
I had to make a quick decision whether or not I should tell Ray. I thought about it. Ursula's going to be here any second. I don't feel like I'm in the right frame of mind for this. Plus I don't like surprising people in Girl Mode. I think I'll wait. So I just said "bye" to Seth and walked across the way and fiddled with my cell phone.
Ray and Jamie didn't even notice me---I guess I look different w/ my hair down and being in girl clothing. Ursula finally got there. I gave her a quick hug and suggested we eat elsewhere. She was agreeable and so away we went for some fish tacos.
Wednesday, 2003.05.14:
Finally heard back from another person in HR who's more intimate with the database operations side at the Company. So, we're going to meet (probably via phone) and talk about what needs to be done.
Caught up with Chapter 94 of Tuck. Finally. A day or so more and I'll be up to Chapter 96, the last available episode. You can tell I've been reading this one for a while. I'd love to have read it straight from the beginning over a few days, but my hectic life just won't let that happen. I managed to write up another Perl script to massage chapters into a humongo text file that I imported to my Palm---chapters 80-94 ended up being like 183 4K memos. So I've been able to read Tuck in more places like when I was waiting for car servicing, or when I've been waiting at restaurants. Stuff like that. What a fun story.
Looks like the time is drawing all too close. In the next couple of weeks I plan to pay a visit to the DMV and Social Security office and get new IDs. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I want to get on with my life, and yet I'm hesitant about the impact of this change. I guess if I had assurance that everything will turn out OK then I'd be less iffy, but it's just that we're opening the door into the Unknown. Sure, lots of people have gone this way before, but personally I think the future is fuzzy. I hate fuzzy futures. I'd prefer to have exact plans. But that's me.
I find myself falling into the trap of procrastination all too often. I'm not a lazy person by nature, unless I'm up against something which I'm not really looking forward to. In my current situation (approaching legal doc change), I guess you could say what scares me the most is being seen as a tranny. Hell, people think I'm weird, but that's a whole lot different than being seen as a freak. And I feel like I'm missing out on a lot of opportunities to correct that freakiness before I hit full-time. Funny thing is, I can't really put my finger on what those opportunities are---it's just a feeling.
I really shouldn't be worried, and yet I feel ugly a lot of the time. It's not just in the visual presentation way, and that sort of gets my self-esteem down. Not depressed, rather, just not all bright-eyed and bubbly. A sort of "blech". Maybe it's because I don't really know what other people are seeing when they interact with me when I'm in Girl Mode. Maybe that bit of Unknown is what makes my head start thinking about all the things that could be picking out about me that are just "wrong"---you know, the kind of stuff that "gives you away."
I've got a lot to be positive about. And that's what's really keeping me smiling.
Sunday, 2003.05.18:
Movies. Saw The Matrix: Reloaded. I think my reaction isn't wow but it certainly isn't yechh. I love the story, the technology, and the characters. I could do without the extended fight scenes, the verbose/obtuse dialogue, and the extended dance/love scene. (I don't think that gave it away, nah.) I am eager to see Revolutions this fall.
Technology. Computer is spontaneously rebooting. I dunno. It happens periodically. I guess I'm going to search around for some updates and stuff to see if the problem can't be solve with software. I really hope it isn't hardware because it's not like I can afford to get another computer.
Shopping. I'm looking forward to a potential group shopping exercise this week. You might hear about it next week or so.
Names. Send my parents a choice between two names. They have ignored the issue. Typical. Yes, we're still working through it.
Friends. Had a series of long e-mails with a good friend over when it's appropriate to use the Boy Name and Girl Name and other stuff. I dunno. It's all confusing to both of us with me flipping back and forth. Maybe I'll write about this later, but it's an issue right now that's bugging me.
Legal. I think I'm nearing the point where I'm going to change over my name and gender. I've got an appointment to get a DL 328 form filled out by one of my doctors that will be used in the driver's license changeover.
Hair. Finally made an appointment at a hair salon other friends go to. I am not sure what I want but I think I'll go with something layered. I don't think I really want bangs. They would just be a hassle right now that I don't need. Regardless of how it turns out, it'll be good to get my mop trimmed back a bit since I haven't had a cut in probably 6 months. Or more. I forget.
Wedding. Went to a friends wedding, but had to go in Ping Mode. Boy that was interesting. Saw tons of people I haven't seen in years---and they still recognized me. OMG. That is both positive and negative. It's cool that we can still talk but it bothers me because I'm thinking: gee, post-transition will people still recognize it's me? How will I escape from my past? Well, really, don't read too much into that. I am not one to deny the fact of who I was, but I think/fear that one day I'll just be out somewhere in Girl Mode and someone will call me by my old name and it'll either out me or just make for a very awkward scene. Oh heck, what am I thinking? Once word gets out to a few friends I'm sure a lot of other people (including a great number at the wedding) will find out. I don't mind being popular, but preferably not this way.
Coordination. I am a total klutz and always have been. Adding estrogen to the equation doesn't help. I've noticed that I've become even more uncoordinated than before. Not sure why. But this weekend I ended up kicking a door with my middle toe. Thanks to that split second miscalculation I now have a very sore and very bruised toe. This is going to hamper the whole 3x/week walking routine Ursula and I have going on. Though it looks like allergies hit her hard and we're going to have to skip a couple of days (at least walking together).
Allergies. I'm thinking it must be hayfever. California is notorious for allergies and 'tis the season for them. I had my allergy attacks last month mostly, and now it looks like it is Ursula's turn. She's now taking Claritin and some other stuff to try to bring it under control. She tells me that we ain't going to be going out early in the morning with her feeling like that. Maybe my toe and her allergies are just a sign that we need to take a couple days rest.
Tuck. Converted the Tucky Season story into a format for my Palm. 299 memos this time. Geez, that's a lot of text. One of these days I wouldn't mind trying my hand at writing. I have an imagination that never seems to quit, so I might as well put it to good use.
Music. Saw some piano books over at a media megastore but found out they're all "easy piano" arrangements. Yuk. I want an intermediate/advanced version of pop songs, or I need to get me a fake book. (A big ol' book of songs where they only write down just the melody and the chords. You're supposed to fill in all the rest.) I really need to get back to this. It's theraputic playing our house piano, but I think I really want to get back to making electronica. I just have to remember to hook up my computer once in a while.
Video games. Yes, yes, I know, it's an addiction. The guys and I have been playing various "tower defense" maps. The current map we're working through is some "Cubic Defense". It's not hard but it just requires a lot of patience. As a result, my desktop has ended up over at the guys' house a lot more. I'm too lazy to hook it back up when I get home because I've had such long days. So, these blogs stagnate a lot.
Progesterones. I can't be sure, but I think they're working better this time. In the past two weeks I've been running into more dull pains deep within the tissue. It's still all tender and growing, albeit slowly. (Maybe that's a good thing?) It would be nice to be "full" later on, but I guess that will take years if at all. Change change change. Slow slow slow.
Medication. In general, it has felt like there's been a kind of dullness over my mental abilities in the past year. I don't know if it's the drugs themselves, but it's like I just can't concentrate or think thorugh complex things at the same speed I used to. I was forewarned of this; maybe it does happen. I dunno why. Maybe it's part of some brain reconfiguration going on too. Anyways, this past weekend it feels like that semi-stupor is lifting a little. It's hard to describe why I even think it exists. Maybe it's sleep deprivation.
Friday, 2003.05.23:
If I ever needed a reason to explain to myself just why am I doing this transition, yesterday was it.
Sometimes it's difficult to tell if you're really alive or not. I've been living under the pressures of daily life combined with the perils of transition for a while, and it really has worn me down. These past few weeks have truly been a test of my stamina and resolve. I've always been busy, but I rarely have to make decisions of critical importance. And today I took another step forward.
Yesterday (May 22, 2003) I submitted my application for name and gender change to the Department of Motor Vehicles and updated my Social Security information! WHOOHO!O!O!!!O!O!O!O!!O!!!!!!!!! With the help of Jen being my chauffeur and emergency hair repair specialist I managed to glide through the name change process. So, providing there are no problems with the processing of the application (pray, pray, pray) then in the eyes of the State of California and of the Social Security system Amber exists.
I'm ... I'm ... just so stunned and pumped about it and paralyzed with fear and wide-eyed awake and immensely relieved and .. and ... babbling a heck of a lot. Wanna hear what's happened? Sure you do otherwise you woulding be reading this, duh.
Back up to last week...
Ursula gave me the name and telephone number of her hairdresser. It's a moderate sized shop for a salon I guess. I've been in them before when I was a kid, but I've never had anything done to me while there---it was always me Mom that got the works. So, I made an appointment with Sam.
Later on that week I called up my endocrinologist to arrange for an appointment to get my DL 328 signed by her---it's the DMV's medical form which gives reason why you change your name due to a gender transition. So that date was booked. The weekend had the games, the wedding, and some other stuff I don't remember right now...
Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I was playing with makeup almost every night. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the photo since I already knew what I was going to be wearing. I poked myself in the eye so many times I was about to cry. I mean, I just suck at getting dolled up. And so up to Wednesday night I was so dreading Thursday, when I was scheduled to get my driver's license picture taken. I've hit my limit of frustration many times and lost way too much sleep.
Jen and Ursula really helped to save my ass this time. Ursula showed me a thing or two and then Jen did a Wednesday night cleanup session. After a little experimentation we came up with something which wasn't hideous and I could do in a matter of minutes. I think I have the routine down to about 5 minutes---we opted not to play with eyes. (Eyes are a whole different topic where I just don't know what I like or what works good on me.) So Thursday morning I was able to do makeup confidently. But, hair has been an ordeal of its own.
I have very soft, fine hair. It has been like this forever. It grows fast and straight; with regular washing and shampoo it dries straight and is really flexible. However, it is difficult to style. Few clips stay in it. Hairbands just fall out. Large clips are cumbersome. Etc. Not easy. But its general style was just bland. So, now about that haircutting thing with Sam...
I got to my appointment early and Sam was ready to go pretty much. He's so not your stereotypical hairdresser. (And I don't mean that in a gay kind of way.) He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts I think. He has tatoos and short hair. He's got so good meat on him in more of a bodybuilding way, but he's not all muscled-out if I remember correctly. He just projects this sort of tough guy image. But, when you talk to him it's a whole different story.
Sam's good at what he does. I told him that I needed to have long hair, hated bangs, and wanted to tie the hair into a ponytail. His answer: well, your options are limited, but I think we can add some layering to it. And that he did. So, now I have these semi-long bang-like things which can frame my face, and a long shag in the back. He was able to introduce a little bit of curl to the hair with his hairbrush and when I looked at myself in the mirror I was thinking: hey, not bad! Kinda cute actually. He told me how to do it and after I paid I went to go get a couple pieces of equipment.
Thursday morning, as I was getting ready before going to the DMV, I was freaking out big time. I had blow-dried my hair so that it was just barely drier than damp. I rolled the hair on the big brush and heated it up with the hairdryer. Then I let out the brush and there was a nice wave left in the hair. The problem is that the rest of the back of my hair was flying out every which way! And this on the morning when I needed to get my photo taken! I was panicking trying to figure out what to do! I later found out that layered haircuts tend to make hair like mine frizz when dried. Oh great! What am I going to do?! Jen came by and got my hair to be more tame with a few spritzes of hair spray. (I really needed mousse, but we didn't have any in the house.) Anyways, Jen got it into shape enough that it didn't look totally ridiculous, but it looked nowhere as a good as it did the day before.
So now onto yesterday morning, Thursday...
Jen offered to drive. And seeing how I was so scatterbrained already I gladly accepted the offer. And so about 7:30a in the morning I was in line at the DMV in cap sleeves, khakis, and some flats. Around 7:45a Jen and I were talking about how the DMV was to open at 8:00a. "This is the longest 15 minutes of my life." I said to her. Just the anticipation was killing me. But after we got in and finally up to the counter, I just had to present my forms and my money and that was it. Yes, that easy. I thought there was a possibility of something going wrong, but no. The guy who helped me was a bit slow but he got the job done. Now I have a new photo and signature in the system! (The only real hitch was me trying to sign my name where I didn't press hard enough on the digipad and I retook my signature maybe 5 times!)
Then it was over to the Social Security office. (For the State of alifornia we have to immediately change our Social Security name otherwise the DMV will reject the new driver's license.) When it was my turn to go through the metal detector machines I had to present a picture ID and explain what was my business with the office. I told them that I was here for a gender change and I handed the guy an old driver's license. The guy looks at the license (with my old pic and name) and then back to me several times. "You're (Boy Name)?!" was his response accompanied by questionning eyebrows. The other guy at the X-ray equipment was equally as puzzled---I guess I look a lot different than my old picture. But I got through that.
I got into the office and told them why I was there. After a prolonged wait I finally got in and the employee who helped me just talked me through everything and before I knew it I had another piece of paper in my hands bearing my new name. (It doesn't say "female" because they require surgery.) I walked away in a daze...
Outside the building I was thinking about how I just had committed myself (legally) to push transition all the way through to completion. I had a paper from the DMV of my temporary license and I had another letter from the Social Security office saying my new card will be sent soon. I could do nothing more except throw my hands up with the air, shout "YES!!!", and do a little dance. I heaved a sigh of relief. And now I wait for the next few weeks to see if anything goes wrong.
Jen and I caught breakfast after that episode and we chatted about life and transition. Nothing much interesting here to say. But now we get to the better part.
I had agreed to meet Lea up for a shopping expedition. Little did I know that our twosome was to become a foursome. No kidding. Lea tells me sometime over the weekend that her sister and a friend are going to be here and they want to go shopping. I said sure they could come---why the heck not?---and so there were four of us girls who raided a mall in San Francisco. Yes, 3 GGs and 1 NGG.
When I mean "raided" I mean sifted through amazing volumes of clothes. At this one store Lea and I entered it and immediately started looking at the racks. A few seconds later we both had armfulls of clothes. Literally. Then Lea's sister Laura and her friend Jean come over carrying more and we meandered over to the changing rooms. 6 item limit? BAH! Inside my booth I had three piles going: the to-be-tried-on pile, the "in" pile, and the "ugh" pile. I went through so many changings over the course of the next hour or so I was so exhausted. Pants too large, pants too tight, top to tight, top wrong cut, skirt weird color, skirt cute color, sweater nice complement, etc. You get the idea. It was me running in and out of the booth with the three girls playing judges outside. When we finally got through I had seven things out of I don't know how many others that I would later buy. Eep that was a lot of money. And then it was onto yet another store. Then another. Then another...
Same experience repeated until about 8:45p. I think we were hopping from store to store since 4:30p. I said that I just felt like I had run a marathon. My credit card is hurting right now. This is also how bad it is: at the final two shops the cashiers started getting credit card authorization calls. I guess because we/I had spent so much ($297 + $296 + $37 + $119) the spike in the credit card triggered an alert. So at one point the credit card authorization guy actually asks to speak to me. He gives me a real thorough grilling of some questions about why I am spending so much and then some of my billing info, birthdate, telephone number, etc. Basically identifying info. Of course I answered each correctly and he eventually said "sorry ma'am for the questions, but we won't have to bother you again tonight and happy shopping!" I'm glad, though, that the credit card companies have this sort of detection thing going on. (BTW: Just so there's no confusion, I am by no means rich. I've been saving up money for years in a separate "fund" for the eventuality that I'd be replacing my wardrobe.)
Afterwards we went to dinner at a nice cozy restaurant and had awesome dessert---I thankfully avoided most of the nuts on the plate. And in the end we were all very full, very tired, and very satisfied. After dropping the girls off, I drove home through the night...
Do you know what I was like being totally accepted? I mean, not in a I-know-you're-a-T-and-I-am-not-going-to-freak way. Rather just public acceptance. I don't think anyone figured it out. And I now have legal ID to prove that I am Amber. Isn't that cool? I sometimes can't believe it's happening. (Really, I don't mean to sound like I'm gloating, I'm just happy to have this chance to have this experience.)
Going back to the opening line in this entry, what I mean about this day was that it made me feel like I was in the right place. I didn't feel like someone affected by a mental illness. I was just simply me. Simply me. And people, I think, saw that. And there was no real pressure to act one way or another. I just tried to be myself. There's a feeling of, I don't know, being in the right place at the right time. I am indebted to so many people for helping me get this far and I think I'm going to be alright. There's still much work to be done but I'm getting there and there's a lot of stuff to look forward to. That kind of optimism is what makes me think this is all going to work out just fine in the end.
... 4 hours later (7:30a) ...
Ugh, I couldn't sleep. I dunno. I think there's something important weighing in on my mind but I can't quite figure it out. 'Scuse me while I banter...
I've been having more of these "oh shit" moments lately. These are the kind of thoughts where I get going "gee, did I really make a mistake? Did I misjudge?" The trouble is, I can't pinpoint what is the real meaning behind the oh-shit stuff. Because when I think about it, my gut feeling tells me I've done the right thing, my body tells me I've done the right thing, so what is manifesting itself this way?
I think a lot of it is insecurity. I think I still look fugly some days---OK, a lot of days. (Remember my rant on "looking like a woman" vs "looking like a pretty woman"? If not, don't worry about it...) So, this leads into the whole down-cycle of "if I don't look right people are going to figure me out, which means it will limit my privacy, which will limit my freedom, which leads to a lesser quality of life, etc." I know this is narcissistic. But I guess it relates to something someone told me a while back: if you want to do transition right you absolutely need to give it your best effort. Meaning, if you have the potential you need to use it. Anything less would be a half-hearted attempt. And the results would be undesirable.
So, I think that's one of the prime sources of my fear/feelings. I feel that I've done the "wrong thing" in the sense that I've now put myself under pressure to perform. That is, I need to really learn how to adopt a more feminine presentation to complement my already-feminine persona. See, I came to realize something not to long ago: I don't think I really have a choice of whether to transition or not.
I used to say I did. I mean, we all have options and we have the power to guide our own lives by choosing which options we take. But when I look over these past 30-or-so years of my life, when I think about my true feelings, when I look at what I'm able to do now, the answer is clear: given two general groupings of people (male and female), I am clearly more of the female camp than the male. I have always been this way. I will always be this way. And now that I have found that a transition is possible, it seems foolish to not take advantage of it.
I know that my choosing to transition at this time has created many problems and stresses. I maybe even lament loosing my old Boy Mode. But, I have to move on. I have to grow personally. I have felt restricted all of these years. I have opened up new options by transitioning. What I've chosen does not make my life necessarily easier, but it will hopefully lead to a life that is more desirable. Now all I have to do is take action into my own hands.
Monday, 2003.05.26:
Ah, it's good to be home. I've been away from home so much that I've already got a couple of e-mails asking if I'm replying at all to any e-mail. Yes, yes, I just haven't gotten around to it.
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were fairly long days mostly spent in a car hopping between cities. Friday's trip was down to a nice coastal town but not really for pleasure. It was more the case that a friend needed to do something at their parent's house and so I sort of tagged along. About 1.5 hours down and about the same back at like 85 MPH. It was a nice drive, though. Came back in the late afternoon, picked up a couple friends, and then headed out for dinner---driving again like 40 minutes to our destination. Mmm... Ostrich burgers... Mmm... One of our cohorts decided on buffalo. I think I'll have to try that next time. Afterwards came back to the house and watched Grosse Point Blank.
Saturday and Sunday were sort of an impromptu trip. Steve and I were contemplating doing something on this long Memorial Day weekend and he suggested a trip down the coast. We ended up in Long Beach at a nice hotel near the convention center. It was a long winding drive down the coast and fun too in his little sports car, top down, sun every now and then. We travelled through so many micro climates I think we were both going crazy. We spent the night and in the morning decided to bop over to the Queen Mary---the boat, not the club. We did a leisurely Sunday Brunch. OMG it was expensive at $30/head, but it was pretty good. The whole thing is buffet style with different sections for different types of food. I ended up getting an Eggs Benedict muffin, some fettucine with clam sauce, and a side salad. Steve got a little bit of everything including dessert. The funny thing was that I was talking to one of the station chefs and he was like "so have you graduated from high school?" I was like, "dude! I've been out of college for years!" Anyways, we walked the boat and then decided to head home. We ended up cruising into Santa Monica for a little while though. And then it was countless hours back on the road to home. We pulled in late and I just about collapsed from exhaustion.
I'm feeling the pinch from the weekend's shopping excursions. Thursday through Sunday I've spent way way way too much. I saw some stuff over at a FCUK store I liked but wasn't willing to part with the $80 for the tunic-like top or $110 for some stonewashed/whiskered jeans. But I couldn't resist picking up some basic tees at J.Crew, 2 for $30.
Like I said, I've been saving up $$$ for this---I budgeted about $5K---but it nonetheless is shocking (to me) how it adds up. I still remember talking with another girl through e-mail about these shopping trips and I echo her point: it's a lot of money because you're buying your whole wardrobe all at once instead of spaced out over a number of years. For instance, on Thursday's trip two of the girls ended up getting a couple of things like a shirt and some shoes. Right there that's like $90. Now in my case multiply that by 10. *whimper* So much money... So much in an attempt to assimilate...
And, you know, that really is a problem with the whole transition thing. In many cases it isn't fair! Consider those who already have a family (and thus must support them) and who may need facial feminization surgery (at $15K-$30K), and have numerous other expenses. It's killer on one's credit and additional stress at an already trying time. Even if you make sensible economic decisions for clothing, medication, housing, food, and supplies, it is difficult. Jen was telling me about this girl who's in the middle of her transition and trying to save up her pennies for it. She's putting away maybe $50 every other week (when she's lucky)---how can anyone be expected to pay for the immense costs of transition?
Bottom line: you should save money for this. If you want to transition, do everything you can to horde as much cash and stow it away so that when you do need it you can either pay for it all out of your savings or at least dampen the blow to your credit cards. It's sad I think that money is so crucial to this---I wish that GID was treated with more respect and there were more financial resources available to help people through it.
I called up Mom in the evening and got her recipe for doing Deviled Eggs. Eggs, Miracle Whip, salt, dill juice, and paprika. Now it's off to make them for a BBQ today.
Tuesday, 2003.05.27:
Some days I really hate my life.
So, I've been using a friend's house to change in the
mornings and evenings. Yup. That way 1) I can leave my
home in a less androgynous mode and 2) I can get practice having
to prep in the morning for work. All has been going well
for a while except this morning.I pull up to the house as usual and the first thing I notice is there's no parking. Ugh. That means I have to walk from a distance away. That also means going past the neighbors in girl mode, and coming back past them in andro mode. As if that weren't enough, right outside the friggin' house is a crew of about a half dozen large workmen who are doing routine maintenance on the house that I had to enter. There was no way that I could have gone in/out without them noticing. Just like my voice, my dress is entirely different between girl mode and andro mode.
I sat in the car for a few minutes to figure out what to do. I thought about alternative places I could change. I hate bathrooms. I also think phone booths are right out. Mentally defeated, I heaved a heavy sigh and figured there was no other way. So I snaked through the midst of white-shirted muscle bodies weilding caulking guns and ladders and to the front door then into the house. I changed, took another very heavy sigh, and then walked out past the same gauntlet. I could just feel the stares.
I hate living two lives. I guess it's necessary. For everyone out there reading this: try to minimize your in-between time. That is, unless you want to have a very convoluted life like I do.
(Only a few more weeks. Only a few more weeks. Only a few more weeks. Only a few more weeks...)
Thursday, 2003.05.29:
So the bad things about being forced to sort of do this changing act in the morning are that it's inconvenient and potentially embarassing because the neighbors are wondering what the heck is going on. The good thing, though, is that it is practice for me and I'm also finding out (pretty quickly, I might add) what works and what doesn't presentation-wise. It's like beta testing anything: you find the problems out and you try to fix them before you go for the full release.
(BTW: If you can avoid doing this, please do.)
Stealth has been on my mind a lot these past few days. I've been thinking about how I'm restarting my life and how lonely it seems at times. It's like I'm leaving a bunch of good friends behind and stepping into a void. That kinda is depressing... (Just a note: I haven't said "goodbye" to friends, it's just that our old friends group somehow seems less "together" than before.)
Saturday, 2003.05.31:
Saw Finding Nemo this morning. Despite some of the reviews which panned it, I really liked it. Not just because it's a Pixar Studios film, not because it showcases some really nice graphics. It has a rather simplistic story but it's the little things like the jokes, the slapstick, and the interaction of the actors that made it fun. So, if you're looking for a fun film, go see it.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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