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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Tuesday, 2003.06.03:
Another few feet of closet space have opened up again now that a whole chunk of clothes have been removed from circulation. Bye bye suits, jackets, dress shirts, sweaters, t-shirts, and ties. A whole bunch of T-shirts are going out too. Soon it will be off to Goodwill for more clothes donations---a small tax writeoff but nonetheless it's money.
If you've been reading the current events you know that I'm gearing up for full-time in the near future. I'm out at work and we've got plans in motion for my public coming out and subsequent return to the office. I'm doing a coming out marathon with my friends as well. (You should see the growing number of lunch and dinner meetings. [I prefer to tell people in person versus doing it over e-mail.]) And I've been running around malls like never before trying to assemble a functional casual and office wardrobe.
I've always argued that I'm the busiest person you'll meet without much of a social life. It's still true. It just seems to be a neverending stream of errands. I was trying to change my schedule so I'd get more sleep. Ha! I guess the trend of sleep deprivation will only continue. *sigh* Why can't there be more hours in the day?
I'm trying to get back to doing "fun" things now that the only things on the near horizon are full-time and Father's Day. I started looking at 3-D modeling and animation programs again. Some of my friends have really been into that---I've always had an interest but neither the software nor the patience to create anything. Maybe that'll change. This year Siggraph looks like it's only $50 for the exhibition pass. But it's right smack in the middle of the week and I can't take more time off.
Some of my friends are beginning to convert their usage of pronouns from "he" to "she". It's kinda amusing watching them correct and re-correct themselves.
Hydrocortisone. Thank goodness for hydrocortisone. If it weren't for that my perpetually dry skin would be killing me. This stuff really helps against itching so my battered skin can heal. The recent hot, dry weather doesn't help the healing process either.
Friday, 2003.06.06:
I forgot how much fun electrolysis was. Not! After over 7 months I finally made it back to see my operator and we searched for hair to fill up an hour, and we didn't even really do that. I mean it was almost embarassing how little hair there was to get rid of. I had about a dozen or so real big dark ones that I just have been loathing these past couple of months, and it literally took months to grow them out. I actually started shaving with my old electric razor so that I could wait until more hair had popped out of my skin. But, I'm glad to have gotten rid of this last batch. The chin and corners of the mouth are notorious for being really stubborn and I'm hoping we finally put those sites to rest. Of course, you'll never really be done with electro because there's always more---even GGs have them...
Four more friends have been told. The two last night weren't even the least bit shocked. (There's suspicion that they've known for a while via the grapevine.) But the two today had more of a reaction. What's funny is that in the days previous the three of us had been chatting over e-mail trying to schedule today's lunch. And in the messages exchanged they were trying to guess what was up with me. ("Are you married?" No. "Are you pregnant?" No! "Are you going to show up as a girl?" NO!!!) It's the last one that had really made me laugh yesterday before we met---it hit real close to home. I even told them that they were awfully close, though they insisted that they were just guessing.
Sunday, 2003.06.08:
Spent today in a real funk. Even though my life is coming together at the same time it almost feels like it's falling apart. Friends are moving on with their lives. I'm going on with mine. Our interests are changing. We seem to have less in common. Some of my friends have consoled me that this is normal. Of course it is! Nonetheless the feeling is unpleasant.
I guess because of that it's having me feeling a little alone. Really, I'm not alone. Though I think it's that closeness between friends which seems to be fading. I have no doubt that our friendships will persist, however I don't think we'll be seeing all of us quite as often.
I've been trying to think of why this bothers me so much and I think I stumbled upon it this afternoon. I'm at a really vulnerable point in my life right now. I'm straddling two lives and it almost feels like I'm losing grip on both. I'm slipping away from my male life because I spend so much less time in it and lots of aspects of that life are going by the wayside. And, for the female life I'm jumping to I still feel unprepared, inadequate, and inexperienced. So I don't know if I'm really going to succeed or fail.
If I had spent more time in part-time prep for full-time would I have felt better about myself? Maybe. I would not be feeling so awkward like I do now, but still the uncertainty of what lies ahead is scary. I would have liked to have "debugged" a few quirks in my personality and presentation before I have to appear before the world. I don't think I'll have that chance now. Then again, it's not like I have to be perfect when I hit that full-time date, no. It's just that I want to make a decent impression.
Dwelling on that last thought I think it's because I don't want to stand out as a T. Let me be honest about that again: I think I have a seriously good shot at being mostly stealth. Because of that I keep telling myself subconsciously that if I don't come off as a "normal woman" then I will have failed due to my lack of effort. However I'm running up against some physical limitations which probably can't be solved in the next few weeks before full-time starts. My voice is trashed---it sounds feminine but it's a chore to do it. My clothing coordination is improving but not at the level where I'd like it to be. My hair is a whole different story that I fight with most mornings. And, oddly enough, my walk is FUBARed. (I wrote a while back that I thought my running style was funny; Steven and Jen both now have mentioned to me that I walk "stiff" and I admit there's something funny going on because I don't remember changing my style.) Ugh.
The culmination of all this stuff just makes me feel like I'm going to stick out of the crowd and that's exactly what I'm trying avoid. I'm trying to get back to having a "normal" life where transition isn't really a factor. I want to get back to my hobbies and back to my friends. I want to find someone to share my love and maybe have a family. I want an upwardly-mobile career and a little more higher education. In essence, I want the life I had before but from a female perspective. I wonder if I'll back to that.
Of course, there's a whole other thread in my head going on about what do I really want out of life, what is the purpose of my existence, where do I want to go before I kick the bucket. And I wonder if I can do this all if I am read as a T.
So what's up with me and my whole "stealth" thing now? I dunno. Some recent conversations with Jen triggered some old thoughts: if it was the case that I thought I could never go stealth then I'd resign myself to the fact that I'd always be read. The problem is that I believe I do have a good chance of being able to be in that category of "passable" where no one will ever know unless I say something. Sure, it's not easy but I don't think it's long shot. And like I said before, because I have that chance I think it's worth trying to get there. And when I look at myself in the mirror, or hear myself speak, or catch myself doing something that's just uncharacteristic of women my age, I think I've let myself down. And that is depressing.
I'm not sure what's really going to pull me out of this funk. I think when I hit full-time and put a lot of this behind me and then get back to having fun then things will even out. If that's the case then it's only a few more weeks 'till that happens! Gawrsh I'm nervous...
On a completely different note, I just picked up a copy of Neverwinter Nights. Argh. I finally caved and bought it. I'm a sucker for MUDs. I've never done roleplaying like this before, though.
And for additional topic changes: I started taking down pictures of me on my walls. Stuff with me and other people in it. A lot of that has been packed away into picture boxes now. References to my Boy Name are going away. It is sort of a bittersweet thing. I'm moving on and leaving a part of me behind. I mean, it's not really gone, but it's not something that will be shared except to a very select few. That's probably one of the harder things about transition: jumping from one closet to another.
Wednesday, 2003.06.11:
A friend commented on something a couple of days ago: I'm not as happy as I used to be. Yeah, I'd have to say so. It has been a long time since I've really laughed or let loose. I think it's all this stress of transition coupled with demands at work that are conspiring to kill my mood. But, in the last couple of days I've felt a bit better. Also, a long walk this morning helped.
I almost broke down in tears on Steve's chest this weekend. I was venting about all sorts of stuff and the weight of Reality just started settling on me, dragging my already-depressed mood down more. I keep thinking about all the losses that my transition has caused as well as people generally moving on with their lives. I think about how scared I am that in just a few more weeks my Boy Self will cease to be shown in public except in very limited circumstances. And I heave a big sigh at what the future holds.
I should be excited. Ecstatic. Bubbling. But I'm not. I'm brooding. Nervous. Afraid. I think I wrote once a long time ago that I felt like I was relegating myself to a minority, even more so that I was before---I don't mean racially, but rather that I've always sort of never fit in and so I stuck with geeky fringe groups. I'm so overwhelmed with anxiety (maybe that's not quite the right word here) that I haven't been thinking about all the opportunities that lie ahead. I've actually fallen into a mental place that I didn't want to be in: I'm not having fun.
I'm a creator, builder, inventor. If I don't have a creative outlet I tend to get bored of life---not in a suicidal way, tho. I've been stifling myself and looking back it's pretty obvious why the past year has sucked. So many people I've come out to, HRT, moving (twice!), trach surgery, shopping, name change, parents, work. On the one hand I think: five years is a really long time to transition, but considering all the stuff I do on a daily basis it's no wonder I didn't dedicate a lot of time to transition. And now, in the past few months, the duties of planning and executing transition plans have consumed just about all of my free time. I don't have a life. My day consists of wake, change, drive, change, work, eat, work, drive, eat, drive, sleep.
I always said that I should have hobbies/goals and that I should keep them up during this time of great change because it would give me motion and would help relieve stress. The truth is that I've been so busy with everything (besides being a bit depressed) that I haven't done any of my hobbies in a long time. It was only Monday-ish of this week that I actually pulled my Korg out from my closet and started messing with it. I laid a few drum tracks down on my software synth and played along with it. I missed doing this and I just reminded myself why I liked it a lot.
I spent a good hour or so yesterday researching MiniDV cams, NLEs (non-linear editors for video production), and magazines. I would like to get into filmmaking at some point because it would be yet another great synergy of lots of the stuff I'm into---writing, drawing, music composition, video editing. Now, for the first time in probably months I actually have something to look forward to. I'm thinking about taking classes, going on small trips to try to create some simple documentaries, and maybe joining some enthusiast organizations in my area. It is a most cool idea.
So, take a lesson from me if you will: don't ever drop your hobbies while in transition because you'll need them. And if you find you lack the time to do them, get your friends to kick you in the butt to keep your interest in them.
Friday, 2003.06.13:
Had a most interesting Friday. There were originally 5 of us going out to dinner at a local restaurant to celebrate one of the group's belated birthdays. In this group there was Steve, myself, and three others which haven't been told about my transition. (FYI: One of the three is gay, the other two are GGs.) So the side purpose of this gathering was for me to make my announcement to the three of them. Well, I'm usually a magnet for disaster and chaos, today being no exception.
First I find out that we're not going to a local restaurant! Drats! I mean, I thought we'd be done by 9;30p or so and then I could meet up two other people I haven't told (Kenneth and Marissa). But oh no no no... We're going up to the City (San Francisco)! Oops. So, I didn't think we'd get back even close to 9:30p. So I called up Ken and cancelled. Boy that sucked because we thought we could all meet up for coffee or something and we were planning on it until I said "no go".
Well, so then we get to Kyle's place (he's gay) with me in Drab Mode. At the moment it's just Steve and I there along with him---Pam hasn't shown up and Kira's going to meet us later. I tell Kyle while it's just he and I in the kitchen. He grew quiet pretty fast, which is highly uncharacteristic of him. He sensed the seriousness of the issue and tried his best to understand it. But we didn't get too far because in walks Pam...
Pam virtually scared the daylights out of me because here I was emoting to Kyle and then boom there she was! So we hugged and then I peek around the corner from the kitchen to the front door area. And standing right at the door is Pam's boyfriend! Inside my heart just dropped because I was only thinking of telling Pam tonight and now we had another person in the party. Oh ho ho, but it gets better! Yes!
A few minutes later another couple of people show up: Angela and her girlfriend Tamara. I had not planned on them being there at all. In fact, I hadn't seen Angela in probably 4 years! As a funny aside, when they walked in Kyle did a round of intros saying that Steve, Pam, and I were here. Angela said "hi" to everyone and then kinda looked at me funny with that "don't I know you?" look. I found out later in the car that she thought I was a girl---remember, I'm in drab mode.
So now we had 7 people at Kyle's house with Kira meeting us up in the City. We decided to break into two cars, and in our car we had Kyle, Steve, Angela, Tamara, and myself. The other one had Pam and her boy toy. And so on the car ride up to the City I told Angela and Tamara. Somewhere along the line I ended up doing a voice demonstration which made their jaws drop---as it usually seems to do. But taht wasn't the real interesting part.
I mentioned that Kyle's gay. And me telling him about the transition brought out all sorts of interesting topics. He went on about how he knew a guy in Asia who did the transition to become a woman, about how there's lots of people in the Castro (the gay section of San Francisco) who do drag. He asked me if I went to bars or did makeup. He asked if I wore dresses. And you know what? I gave him very unsatisfactory answers.
I've never been to the gay Pride Parade. I've never been to a gay bar---or any bar for that matter. I own maybe 3 dresses and almost never wear them. I hardly ever wear makeup. My girl voice isn't so much high as it just has different resonance characteristics. I don't use high heels on a regular basis. No I don't use bangles. No I have never had anal sex. No I don't want large breasts. And no, I don't want to transition because I want to sleep with a guy.
Kyle just had the hardest time wrapping his head around all of this. He was thinking, oh Boy Name wants to be a girl and so he should be into all this dressing up and sex stuff. Na uh. Not me. I'm like completely not fitting into the mental images he had, most probably influenced by the gay community. And so he was left with the question of: why do you want to be a girl if you don't want to look/act like one? Maybe it's because I'm just a different type of girl. I'm not saying that there aren't transsexuals who do get gussied up and really want to have sex with guys, but that's just not me.
I've always said that I'm a casual person and I take after a lot of my old girlfriends (not relationship girls but friends). They were all active in sports and stuff, wore t-shirts and jeans, didn't use makeup a lot of the time, didn't wear dresses, etc. They were undeniably girls but not really that feminine---and I wanted to be just like that. I carry those images with me to this day.
Anyways, the evening goes on and I tell Kira, Pam, and Pam's guy. Pam and the boyfriend have a million questions; Kira just couldn't stop grinning and giggling, not quite sure of what to make of the situation. Kyle egged me on to switch to Girl Voice, and so I did for the remainder of the dinner and evening---that only make Kira giggle some more. The dinner was actually a celebration of people's birthdays and marriages (!), but I think my news took center stage probably because it was the most unusual. It turned out to be a very entertaining evening indeed.
At the end of it I think Pam, her boyfriend, Angela, and Tamara were pretty OK with it. Kira was still kinda confused but said she'd get used to it after a while. I think Kyle's head is still spinning. And Steve sat back and enjoyed the whole show. What a night!
Saturday, 2003.06.14:
I am starting to believe. A belief that things can (not will) work out, that I can do this transition thing and be successful, that I can life a life in the future, and that I can find a source of happiness. I'm beginning to think that I can meet strangers in public, that I can assimilate, that I can make it to surgery. Also that I can grow old, that I can have a family one day, that I have many opportunities waiting for me, that my life can fulfill a purpose. And, maybe more importantly, I'm finally coming to like myself.
I have so many insecurities. I'm a perfectionist at heart and when I don't measure up to my mental image I feel I've somehow let myself down. I feel stupid for trying and embarrassed that I'm upsetting other people. All of this drags me down from time to time, as I'm sure it does to you. Heck, it's part of being human, right?
But belief is such a powerful thing. More times than not I am feeling that I can win at the game of life if I try. I see possibilities where before all I could see were obstacles. Overcoming each obstacle provided a new vantage point, and I'm the kind of person that likes to see where they are going before they run off in a particular direction. I think I see a glimpse of the goalline and a way to get there.
...
Had a long long talk with Jen tonight about T's and life and stuff. One theme that came up often was that each of us is presented with challenges and opportunties to overcome them. If we let our problems overwhelm us, then they can consume us in a downward depressive spiral. We have to avoid this. We must avoid this. We have to find a way in which we don't get stuck in the trap of giving up because often if we continue to push, strive, persist, we can find a solution that can bring us to a better place. We don't have to give up so early when things look impossible; maybe we can't do it alone but other people in different positions might be able to shift the odds or throw that needed lifeline. It's out there. It doesn't always come to us. Oh, let me rephrase that: most of the time things don't come to us. We cannot let our lives go to waste because of inaction. Life is too precious and too short for that. So, we need to take that chance, lick our wounds, see the opportunity, and move on.
Sunday, 2003.06.15:
Mental note: when attempting to remove a bra in a car it is much easier to use a back clasp than a front one.
It's Father's Day today and I was heading down to my parents. Of course I'm still stuck doing Boy Mode in front of them. Since I was leaving my house (in Girl Mode) I had to sort of change on the way over. What I thought I could do was use a front clasp bra and just before getting to the house I could pop it open and move the halves off to the sides of my torso. Then adding an overshirt I figured I could hide the bra from view just long enough for me to get to the bathroom to remove it completely. Uh, no, that plan bombed.
What happened is that even with it popped open the halves still protruded enough that they were obviously there. And obviously in the wrong place---actually it ended up looking like I had 4 breasts. (Yeah yeah, go ahead and laugh.) So I attempted to remove it while still in transit. No, that doesn't work. The problem is that with the front clasp I found out it was near impossible to slide onl one strap off a shoulder because doing so tugs on the other side. I ended up pulling over and doing some quick disrobing to get it off. Not that I'd ever have to do this again in the future, but if I do this again I'm going to use the back clasp. I think that when you lean your shoulders forward it shortens the distance between the straps giving you enough slack to wiggle it off.
Spent the day with Dad. Didn't do much. Dad was watching racing most of the day. I just kinda browsed my laptop version of Tucky Season. I am also way too beat from all the goings on in the past few weeks. So us all vegging out wasn't such a bad thing.
...
The long chat with Jen from yesterday still echoes in my mind. (We were up until like 2:15a just shooting the breeze.)
...
A short chat with Catherine today brought up a topic from Friday: why is it that people somehow think that transsexuals all like to be very feminine? Is there a preconceived notion that we like to dress up and look pretty? Hrrmmm....
Monday, 2003.06.16:
Ah, Weird Al. Who better than him to sing about psychic porn star midgets, Harvey the Wonder Hamster, girls that want to have lunch, tacos grandes, his clone, crank calls, and a couple of dozen pickup lines? I'm such a dork, I just put down an order for his new Poodle Hat and it should be arriving sometime next week. Actually I've got a number of his albums. There'll be special place in my heart for his songs. Oh, the night when Santa went crazy...
...
Had a cute convo with Steve over lunch where we ended up referring to me (Girl Self) in 3rd person. We were talking like:
Me (Boy Self): So whatcha doing tonight? Me and Amber are thinking about heading over to the mall....
Steve: Nah. She's boring.
Yeah, I wish she wouldn't take so long to shop, you know?
She takes forever...
The little demons in my head are getting to me again. They're telling me I'm underprepared. What annoyance this thought it is because it keeps coming back. Even though I realize that no one is 100% prepared for this---because it's impossible to do that---I want to be. I want to be perfect because, dammit, I'm a perfectionist. If all the sums don't add up perfectly or the timing doesn't execute with atomic precision, I'm not happy. This attitude got me to do well in school and with work projects where the penalty of misplacing a single backslash in the code can be catastrophic. But it doesn't work with transition.
Transition is not an exact science, and I wish I could convince myself that. You have to admit that even though tens (hundreds?) of thousands of us have gone through this gauntlet and there are some fairly well-defined procedures, we still remain individuals endowed with all the quirks and nuances of social and biological variation. And so we require customized solutions; hopefully competent medical professionals can do this customization in our process.
And yet I want to make things "perfect". Damn. I just want to fit into the center of the bell curve, middle of the road, average, unspectacular in any regard. Why? All because at the moment I don't want attention. But you know what the irony is in all of that? I love attention---aw, heck, who doesn't like a good pat on the back? Maybe a better way of thinking about this is that I generally don't have problems being the center of attention provided I know what I'm doing. I've been at the commanding helm of projects, been primary contact for feedback, used as model for different things, spoken in front of large crowds. Even this web site is sort of like that where I'm atop my virtual soapbox, only I can't see your face. And when we do this coming-out at work announcement I plan to be addressing a crowd of some 50-90 people to tell them directly that I'm transitioning. I'm finding myself in the spotlight once again.
Back to the topic of perfection, when I stand before these people I've already got my game plan figured out. I know the players on my team, I have thought through the responses I can give the audience, and I can speak with relative competence on transgendered topics. Yet, what I still fear is the day when I return to work in Amber Mode. Me, wearing my Strategic Planner hat once again, knows what I'll probably wear for the first 3 days I'm back on the job. But...after that? It's an open road, really, full of uncertainty. And you're probably wondering why I'm going neurotic over this.
That which brought on this diatribe was a simple thought about mascara. ("Huh? What's that got to do with this?") Um, uh, I don't know how to work with mascara and I've only got a short while before I have to get my work badge photo taken---do I want to use it or not? (Yes, I'm well aware that the majority of my friends don't even use it!) But the fact is that I somehow feel like I'm missing out by not having the option to use it. Questions roll through my head...
Can I learn it in the days before I get my photo taken? Oh, probably. So, is this a roadblock to transition? Of course not. But it still bothers me? Yes. Even though it's fixable? Yes. So when will I experiment with it? Tonight, if I have time. Oh, but do I have enough time? I'm pretty tired and I've got shopping to do. So, you think you're running out of time? Yes. Why can't you clear up your schedule to make time? Because there is so much to do. Why can't you postpone some of the things? Because I already am. Then can you prioritize? I am. So you're doing the best you can with the time left? Mostly. Why not "yes" instead of "mostly"? Because I find myself wasting time. Doing what? Writing blogs. No really, what? Relaxing. So, relaxing is a waste of time which steals precious microseconds away that could have better be used for shopping or learning makeup or something else transition-related? Yeah. And you're not afraid of burnout, because everyone needs a break? I am burned out. OK, so you have no time to do things which, even though relatively insignificant, could be done later and thus reduce the size of your to-do list? It would appear that way. You then understand that most of your stress is self-imposed? I'm a glutton for punishment I guess. Sounds like you need PTO! I am going to take PTO. Oh, so then you should be able to right yourself and get back on track? Yeah, if I don't spend all my time lounging around. Is everything with you about must-do-this and must-do-that? Pretty much. That's usually called "obsessive", you know? Yeah, I know but I just want to make a good impression. You realize that no one is perfect and that even if you aren't perfect that you can usually fix things in the future? Yeah, but nonetheless I endlessly try. But you recognize this? Yeah. So, what's the penalty of not making a good impression? Then I look like a fool. So? Then I have the potential to become unlikable/undesirable. Sounds like you have some real self-esteem issues? Yeah, I guess so. You know that even you were the one that has long advocated that good people attract good people? Yeah... So you're really more afraid of being alone than being perfect? Yeah. Which is why you subconsciously throw yourself into the spotlight? Probably so. Don't you realize that most average people aren't in the spotlight; by you wanting attention and average-ness you're making a total oxymoron? Then I guess I'll have to strike a balance. No, I think you need to relax and smile more often. I should. Because no one likes grumpy people, right? Yeah. And that translates into unpopularity, right? Yeah... So, you're going to do your best that you can do right now recognizing that whatever limitations are in your way can be resolved later? Yeah, I guess. You guess? OK, I know. And when you finally look like you're having fun you will attract other fun-oriented people? Yup, you're right. Of course I am! Heh...(There's nothing quite like a good argument against yourself.)
I just hate making adjustments in-flight, so to speak. I want to precalculate so I don't have to think so much and have all the contingencies worked out already. It reduces chances of failure. But it takes a helluva lot of energy to compute and compile. Maybe one of these days I'll find the emotional trigger which quiets these impulses to overprepare for events. I mean, most people don't plan things out as tightly as I do and they end up just fine. Lots of people make those in-flight corrections. I was browsing Kate's site again and saw this line on a July 27, 2001, entry:
In many ways, December can’t come soon enough. I would go full-time much much sooner but quite simply I am scared. I’m scared of attempting to live my life as a girl while I still have this face, while I still have this beard, and while my body is still adjusting to the hormones. By December, all these fears should be under control. Time moves so slow during transition. So slow.If you check the timeline, even into the end of 2002 (almost a year full-time) she's still doing electrolysis. And on that 2001 diary entry she's saying she expects her fears to be resolved at the end of 2001. That's optimism for you. No, belief in yourself? I can hear Jen saying to me, "a leap of faith." ... I ask myself what happened to my own optimism and willingness to take risks? (I used to do that.) Maybe it's being jaded with age. Maybe it's settling into routine. Maybe it's fear. Maybe . . .
Maybe I'll just try smiling right now and figure the rest out later.
Wednesday, 2003.06.18:
Told the management today. That is, we pulled a group of the managers in to a meeting and told them about my change and its impact to our organization. I was excruciatingly nervous today before the meeting feeling like I would be forgetting something when I give the speech in front of the managers. But, I think once I got going the words flowed naturally and we got the entire message out. It has been several weeks in coordination and we're finally executing our plan. (It has also been several weeks of severe stress in anticipation of this.) The managers were then given a written speech which they'll use to communicate to their teams. And then chaos will ensue tomorrow...
I've thought about backing out of this many times in the past week. I don't want the potential notoriety that'll come of doing this. I don't want to lose the relationships I have with my friends and colleagues at work. I still don't know if I'm ready. But in the end it comes down to a binary choice: do it or not. Then I remember that I got here because I wasn't content. And if that's any indication of what I need to do then I must do this. Despite all the potential problems and the fallout that's coming, I need to do this otherwise I'll always regret not having tried it.
...
Came out to yet another friend tonight---I can't believe how many people have been told in recent weeks. This one was someone I hadn't seen in a while, Kenneth, and we met up just to shoot the breeze and stuff. Plus I had gotten his attention a few days ago when I told him that I had some good news for him.
At the beginning of dinner he preempted the conversation with, "so, what's up?" I told him the news was pretty big. He asked if it was bigger than him getting a new job---which is a big deal, btw. I said, "well, how about me getting a new life?" He looked a little puzzled about that. So I told him I had a name change, and he was still kinda blank at that. I then showed him my driver's license and he almost screamed "AMBER?!!!" I nodded. He then said, "aw, I can't beat that. That's your trump card!" Yeah, I guess my transition is sort of bigger news. But, he took the news well despite the shock. And the conversation went on for a while about this and that. Nothing really spectacular. He seems cool with this and doesn't plan on letting the fact that he's a serious Roman Catholic get in the way of our friendship. For that I give him respect.
Called the DMV up again. They're still processing my driver's license. *sigh* I wish they'd hurry up so I can get my card. I'm told good things come to those who wait. Though, the only "good" thing that I'm expecting to come of this is finally having photo ID. (I saw my fugly picture when they took it at the DMV.)
Thursday, 2003.06.19:
9:30a:
Today will be an interesting day indeed. The rest of the colleagues find out today. I heaved a big sigh as I walked up to my building knowing that between then and about 2:00p bombs were going to be raining down on lots of people. I can only hope that people will have the maturity and decency to be sensitive to this issue. If it's something which isn't agreeable I hope we can at least work out some kind of working relationship.
...
11:20a:
My manager told our team at 11:00a and I was present during the meeting. I am still shaking right now, only a few minutes after the fact. My mind is racing in all directions and it's hard to focus. I'm thinking about how I can unwind tonight. I'm going to dinner with Steve and maybe rent a movie or something. Something no-brainer. Something distracting. Something not related to work, transition, etc. Mind-numbing.
...
1:30p:
Had an extended lunch and it was a good chance to relax a little. It was really messy though. We ended up sharing a slab of ribs that were dripping with sauce.
...
3:30p:
I have some really good colleagues and I don't know what I'd do without them. In the past couple of hours I've had a couple people come up and say that they give their full support to my transition and one even wanted to come to say "goodbye" to Boy Name.
Sunday, 2003.06.22:
Full-time is so far uneventful. That's good! I mean in that I think a lot of the prep work has been paying off. However, the hardest part is yet to come. I've yet to return to work but I know what may await me. I've been hearing that there are people in disbelief saying, "no way, he was such a guy-ish guy, there must be some mistake!" I sort of chuckled at that. I guess my guise was good enough, a sort of façade that I created in the latter years of high school. I used it to get by all these years and quite frankly I've gotten tired of maintaining it. It's not me.
*sigh*
At this point I'm just really deeply bothered by thoughts of "will I be prepared to look decent at work" and "how will I repair old friendships and create new ones". It weighs very heavily on my mind, so much so that I actually have been losing sleep over this stuff. Do I regret having gone full-time? Not really. I mean, the more I think about it it just seems that it is inevitable that I have ended up here. But to risk it all? I will never have a normal life---did I anyways? I have just added so many complications it sometimes makes my head spin. I have all these little details which are like monsters under my bed waiting to consume me at some point. I ... am ... freaked. All I want to do in the end is have a semi normal life that does a service to me and to others. I want to have purpose in my life. I don't want to live within the confines of a medical condition. I ... I ...
*big sigh*
Why did I have to make things so complicated? Why does this feel right? Why can't I find the hard evidence which proves this is the way to go? Why can't I hold onto my friendships? How am I going to find a mate? How can I continue with my life? Will I be able to pass well enough to go stealth? Will I ever escape this?
*massive sigh*
As you can tell, I'm having a wee bit of an emotional crisis right now. I'm grateful that there are a number of people I've been venting at and they've been sort of holding me together. This is so hard some days. I know that I've been the one that has been obsessing about details and stuff but I need to feel that I'm going to win at this game. I got one shot to do this right. I got to be in top form---or at least I think I do. I know life isn't about black and white solutions and that no one is perfect. I just want to make sure I'm giving myself the opportunity to live well. You know what I mean, Vern?
...
On to happier topics, yesterday I went out with a bunch of friends I know but don't really know, you know? A few of them I haven't seen in a long time and there were a whole bunch of people there that I have never met. We went out to some farmland area to do recreational berry picking. It was an awesome day, not too hot or cold and a bunch of good fruit too. ANYWAYS...
There were some friends that I haven't seen in ages and one of them, Charlene, I haven't come out to. So on the way up there (because it's a very long drive) I called her cell and in my best Boy Mode voice I told her, "hey, yo, it's me. You're coming to the berry picking thing, right? ... Yeah. ... Long time since we've seen each other, eh? ... Yeah, well, um, I just wanted to let you know that there's some stuff that's been going on in my life and, well, I'll just have to show you when I get there. ... Right, so see you soon. ... Yeah, I'll talk to you then! ... Bye." Oh, I figured it was going to be a long day.
Our car bounced along the dirt driveway until we found a spot to park it. And then finally we found Charlene and some others who had arrived earlier. As we walked up she recognized Mary and then as we got closer she gives me this funny look with a slight grin. Obviously me being in Girl Mode and her just having heard me in Guy Voice stunned her. So as Mary and the others were starting to mingle around and talk to the people there, I preempted Charlene by saying (in Girl Voice) something like, "hi Charlene! It has been a while?" After a slight pause she stepped forward and whispered, "so ... when did this happen?" I think I replied with something like "uhhhhhh" because she kind of looked off into the distance and said, "let's go for a walk..." We chatted about this and that but mostly what I've been going through. I think she was very much in shock and was brimming with curiosity. You have to admit that this is rather interesting news considering it doesn't happen all that often.
The rest of the berry picking/picnic was fairly uneventful. We just visited other farms trying to get the sweetest ripe ones. But, there was a certain calmness about it. I mean, just being away from the daily humdrum and at the same time being totally accepted in a group of people. I say that the best transitions are the ones that go unnoticed. And since I wasn't really standing out in any particular way, maybe that's a positive sign?
Monday, 2003.06.23:
Aw, shucks. If I ever need an ego boost I'll remember this night. So I went out with Charlene, Mary, and Karl to dinner. Somewhere in the conversation of this and that we got to a concensus Charlene and some of the other guys from the berry picking. Apparently they talked about me and in the end agreed that of the girls present in our group at the gathering that I was the cutest of the bunch. HUH?! You know, like out of the other 7 or 8 GGs that I was cuter than them? What? How? Why? ... I mean, I was envious of one of the girls that I met there who had this rail-thin body, curvy, and good clothes. Regardless, it was a serious mood-lifter even if it was a exaggerated.
In some ways this is surreal. I mean, I don't think I get by all that well. Honestly, I have a lot of guyish attributes, I'm all shaky about my social skills, I worry incessantly about my appearance, etc. And here I have people inviting me to Girl's Night parties, people wondering when guys are going to throw themselves at me, and no one ever thinking twice I'm a girl. This is an awesome position to be in---don't think that I don't realize the significance of this. I ... just ... err ... I dunno. I've never looked at myself this way and it's overwhelming I have to tell you.
I think when you realize that this is happening that you have to take a moment and just smile at yourself. When circumstances work out (however they do) it's good to appreciate your fortune. I do. I take nothing for granted. And I hope never to lose this attitude.
(By the way, I don't advocate that people jump on the Transition Bandwagon to experience this. I don't think this is very typical of what happens to most people. I'm not even sure how long this is going to last. But I'll state for the record it's pretty cool while it's happening right now.)
Oh, but the big news for today: I got my ears pierced today! (I told one of my ex-girlfriends and she was not amused at this news, though. Why I was talking to her is a different story altogether...) It didn't hurt even close to what electrolysis feels like though. I went with Jen to one of those typical mall stores. I sat down, signed the forms, got little dots marked on my lobes, and then click! the studs went in. Next thing I'm paying my $33 and walking out of the store with a couple bottles of antiseptic. Jen showed me later how to take the darn things off (after the 6 weeks) and how to rotate the posts so the posts won't get stuck to the skin. So now I've got a couple of 3mm cubic zirconia studs in.
Applying antiseptic was fun. Not. I am trying different people's recommendations about what to do. I ended up trying to pour a little of it over the lobe. Bad idea. Some of the liquid gushed out of the bottle down my face, down my chest, etc. Good thing I wasn't wearing a shirt at the time otherwise I'd be drenched!
As a personal commentary: I now don't really see piercing ears as a big deal. I used to be really against the idea of people turning their lobes into Swiss cheese, but now I'm thinking: well, it's not really that bad and if they don't mind having holes, then so what? I'm sure I can find some better argument as to why people shouldn't do it, but it was so fast, simple, etc. I don't know if it's really a problem. It's actually probably just my perception about things.
Found a nice watch today. Coach. Mmm... I'm beginning to appreciate their stuff. Expensive, tho.
Also got my new eyeglasses today. They're not bad. I think the small oval types work well on my long face. They're better than my squarish guy glasses. I'm still iffy about what I paid for them. They were expensive because they weren't covered by insurance---I can't get frames for another year and a half. Oh well... I decided that 1) my old glasses were too guy-ish and 2) I wanted something lighter.
On the second point, I'm finding that I have to wear glasses much more often. I've been trying not to become dependent on my glasses but I think I'm succumbing to the fate of most people I know. And so I don glasses almost all of the time now. Thanks to plastic lenses (I prefer glass usually) and Flexon frames, I almost don't even notice I'm wearing glasses. This compared to my glass-loaded Takumis that feel like a brick when I snap the sunglass clip in place.
Tuesday, 2003.06.24:
Went out with Jen to a brief drive up the California coast. Checked out a few places that might be OK for a picnic one of these days. Ended up at a diner for lunch. But then it was back home for me.
I had all my work stuff laid out and pressed. I just threw it on, fixed things in the mirror, took a deep breath, and headed off to work. Or rather to an HR rep's cube. Today was the day I was to get my new badge.
This was the first time she had seen me en femme and so there was a little bit of "oh...uh...hi!" when I went to her cube. She took my temporary permit and my Social Security card and photocopied them. Then it was off to the real badging office.
Sign in. Comb your hair in the mirror. Take a deep breath. Smile. Click! And it was done.
The rep and I looked at the newly printed badge still warm from the printer. We just couldn't help but smile: there it was in our hands. In the parking lot there was a quick hug and I melted in the seat of my car. I sat there for minutes looking at that little piece of plastic bearing Amber Chan and my new photo on it. And, I might add, that was indeed a girl's face on the badge. This will certainly be one of the most memorable photos I've ever taken.
Wednesday, 2003.06.25:
Took my car to the shop this morning (very early 'cuz it's a first come first served basis) because it has been making guttural noises under the center of the car. I had noticed over the weekend the sound of the engine had changed a little, the ride had a little more vibration, and that one time when I opened my car door after stopping the engine I was hit with a wash of hot air. (No, not the hot air in my head.
) And so I've been
debating whether or not to service the car knowing full well the
potential costs associated with it. But I'm never one to let problems
slide by.Turns out there is a crack in the "exhaust resonator" somewhere near the catalytic converter. (Like I know where that is? If someone told me there's mud in my tires I might have believed them...) So they have to weld the thing they said. Whatever. I just know it's $300-something. Crikey. That's a lot of money. I tend now to think of how expensive things are based on average shoe prices versus video games. Let's see now, $300 is about 6 pairs... Hehe.
On a side note I ended up also getting my customer information on file updated to "Amber". I had told the assistant that was helping me that I needed to update my records and he starts going to the screen for an address change. I quickly pointed out to his screen, "no, I need to update my name." He sort of thought about it for a half-second but just followed my finger as I pointed to the prompts. "Yup, just put Amber, A-M-B-E-R, there. Thanks." He didn't really have signs of emotion as he moved the cursor over my old name and replaced it, pecking the 3 new letters into the name field. This guy has served me several times before and even once he actually called me "Miss" a couple of years ago when I was wearing a sweatshirt and had a ponytail...
I'm going to rip my left ear off. Seriously. I am so not used to having chunks of metal and manmade rock stuck in my ears. My left ear itched a little yesterday and out of instinctive reaction I reached up to tug on my lobe. Baaaaaaaad idea. "Ouch!" was my earlobe's reply as I yanked the stud embedded in it. So it was a little red and "pissed off" as Jen might say. Today it itched again, clearly irritated by yesterday's tugging, and now the lobe's pretty red. Ugh. Must. Control. Scratching.
T.A.T.u. is growing on me. I've listened to their album umpteen times and at first I kind of dismissed it as typical corporation-produced music. I dunno. "30 Minutes" and the "How Soon Is Now?" cover may end up on my permanent playlist. Of course I should probably by the album and return my friend's. (No, I'm not the kind who rips MP3s and never pays for the albums. You could make an argument about the overpriced unfairness of music, but as one that also makes music I still think someone's gotta get paid for entertainment to be a viable product.) T.A.T.u. can't hold a candle to Celine but I'm still bopping in time with the music.
And now for a Word Etyomolgy Minute: according to a web page "holding a candle" stems from how in them olden days assistants used to hold candles for workmen thereforme making them inferior.
I've been so busy and lazy these past few days. I almost don't want to go back to work next week. Almost.
Today I got all domestic. Cleaning this and cleaning that. A load of laundry; 3 older clean loads still sitting on my bed waiting attention.
Oh, I'll get to them eventually
because I want my bed back. But I duno how far I'm going to get sorting
laundry because the people at the auto shop just called and my car's
ready for pickup.I'm glad I took the week off to get my life back in order. I was a total basketcase this past month and even up until Monday I was really wondering if I should have jumped into full-time or not. But, I'm starting to settle in to life again. That's good. Then I can finally start reallocating energy that was used in transition prep to trying to have a life. Well, I guess I have to plan for SRS, though...
Thursday, 2003.06.26:
Spent a chunk of the day rummaging through my closet removing all my guy clothes (that aren't androgynous enough to be worn now). I think I just cleared out 1/2 of my closet. (!!!) I can't believe how much room I have now. All that's left is to go through some of my shoes and then I'm pretty much cleaned up. It's scary. The reality of full-time is beginning to sink in...
...
Went to my primary physician today and this was the first time he'd seen me in Girl Mode. Of course he's known since 1998 that this stuff has been going on but I've never appeared full-on. It was sort of funny because all the records are in my Guy Name and everyone kept referring to me with that name but using female pronouns! As Jen said recently, "everyone thinks you're a girl, just a badly named girl." (It's true! My guy name is mostly masculine but is a bit androgynous.) The weirdest part of the visit was getting my EKG taken. I ended up having to be topless while the assistant stuck the probe patches on me. He was being very careful to avoid the breast tissue.
...
Met up with a couple of nice girls tonight, one of them which I've only known from a message board. We stuck around an entertainment multiplex and had dinner and snacks. It was good just to shoot the breeze and connect with people in 3-D versus virtually. Nothing will probably replace physical human contact.
One of the things that came up in the conversation is that the other two girls wished they'd kept a log of their travels. This really is a unique experience and to capture things is a wonderful way to reflect on how it has gone. Some day I hope to look back at these times and the fond memories.
...
I've been blowing through money way too quickly lately. I'm one that believes in saving rather than spending. However, due to multiple mini trips I've found I used cash a lot. So I've actually gone to the ATM a couple of times this week. That's scary. I usually go once every other week!
...
I've been thinking of my sexuality. I think I"m most likely hetero at this point. I don't know for sure but I keep imagining myself around other guys and somehow I end up in their arms. Maybe I just want to be protected instead of being the protector. I dunno.
...
I came home from the day to find my new American Express credit card has arrived! What's significant about this is that I applied with my Girl Name and using my Social Security number. Guess what? Both match in the databases now! Whoohoo! So, I can legitimately apply for credit cards, store credit, licenses, etc. all with my Girl Name. Before I was applying with the Guy Name and just getting an extra card in my Girl Name. I hated being sneaky like that.
...
It has been way too hot around here. My area hit 100 F. I've been just burning up and I've been very thankful for skirts and tank tops. I used to say when I was a kid that if I were a girl that I'd not wear dresses and skirts. Well, my attitude has long since changed and I am glad that skirts breathe really well. I think I'll be wearing them a lot this summer.
...
I've been thinking about locking my voice into Girl Mode more often now. I mean, I'm full-time right? So I shouldn't need to switch? Well, I've got a couple more things to do before I can lock my range. And I figure that once I lock it then it will be difficult to shift it back down to my male range. I've long thought that I had forcibly trained my voice lower when I hit puberty because my voice was fairly high. The end result was that I couldn't get back to the higher frequencies. So, now I'm doing reverse training to adjust things so I can get back up into that upper register and stay there at all times. I just hope this is going to work. More on this later.
Friday, 2003.06.27:
Hit a few more stores today to try to find jeans but to no avail. My luck with jeans is horrible. I keep looking only to find nothing that I really like or that fits. Argh! I used to say that I hated stretch fabrics but now more than ever I think stretch could be the one thing that lets me find a pair that gives a good fit.
Had to go back to the doc's office to have something check out (and, no, it's not serious). The same male assistant that did the EKG on me yesterday was here today and he made this comment: "how did you ever end up with a name like _______ (Boy Name)?" Duh, dude. If you looked at the fine print on my chart it says "SEX: MALE". I guess he didn't read that part.
Had dinner with Mark and Kim. This was the first time Kim had seen me in Amber Mode. Nothing terribly interesting came out of that other than it once again reinforced the fact that I really am out of touch with lots of things. I have spent so much energy in transition and work I really haven't done a lot of fun things. Oh boy do I need a vacation. Wait I'm on vacation. Argh!
Saturday, 2003.06.28:
What a liesurely day. I met up with a friend in The City and we set out to just do nothing in particular. My only constraint was that I wanted to leave town before too late. So, we said, "hey, we haven't been to Sausilito in a long time." And away we went.
Getting to the Golden Gate Bridge we decided not to follow the usual route. So we cut sideways to the coast and travelled up the Pacific Coast Highway. It was a terribly overcast and gusty scene at the beach and we were beginning to dread having left the car. So we ran back to it and headed out towards the Golden Gate Bridge. We ended up passing the Cliff House, the Presidio, and even Robin Williams' house (or so I'm told). And once on the Golden Gate Bridge the weather turned a special kind of nasty.
Wind whipped the car as we shuffled along the bridge span. Gray
fog shot over, below, and around the bridge while a light mist
coated the windshield. I turned to Kristen and we both agreed that
if the weather didn't get better then it was going to suck in
Sausilito. But, wonder of wonders (and thanks to the mountains on
the other side, as we neared the end of the span the weather turned
bright, clear, and unbelievably pleasant. We just had to stop off
at the vista point.A couple of photos at the point and we headed down the grade into Sausilito. It was good. Too good. But indeed, the city is on the lee side of the hills and it was just a great microclimate. We browsed a few stores and went to a restaurant overlooking the harbor. I had the best mahi mahi sandwich in memory. It was a juicy, flavorful, thick filet nestled between a simple hamburger bun. But what put it over the edge were the sweet potato fries. Mmmm mmm mmmmm...! Lightly crispy on the outside, sweet and soft on the inside, and just bursting with flavor. Awesome.
We then headed back to The City over The Bridge where we had to pay our f%@%?! five-dollar Toll. Once again we chose the a quite non-direct route through the hills towards Union Square. Past the Marina, down towards Coit Tower, and up Lombard. We would have gone down that Curviest Street part of Lombard but the traffic was horrid. So we did it backwards. Sort of. We zipped around to where Lombard exits and the looped down from a couple blocks below. We managed to head up the reverse direction on Lombard finally arriving at that exit point---we saw the rest of the cars slowly snake their way down the hill.
We ended up not at Union Square itself but rather getting sucked into a couple of stores nearby. In and out of changing rooms we were for probably an hour or so. And at the end we both had lighter wallets and bags of goodies---stuff which I know I may even use this week! I finally found a pair of low black sandals. Me happy.
After parting ways I was driving back home when I thought, "gee, I wonder if Wayne's had dinner." Since I was passing his area I gave him a ring from my cellular and before I knew it I was pulling up to his house. We had a cheap Chinese dinner and played a few games on his Playstation 2. Weary from travel and food coma I turned for home.
...
I've never seen Weird Al in concert but I guess I will. He's coming down to the area so a few friends and I are thinking about going. I've been told he's a lot of fun.
...
Put my numbers down in the National Do Not Call Registry. I hope this works.
Sunday, 2003.06.29:
After a dim sum lunch with Seth, Kelly, and Steve I decided to go on another driving adventure. It was mainly sparked by the problem that the shopping bags that Kristen and I had were switched when we parted. Seeing as though I had hers, she had mine, and we never see each other, I said I might as well take a drive up to see her again and swap the stuff. Well, this turned into a longer day than expected.
As I recounted with Steve much later, we were only out about 7 hours after lunch. But in those seven hours we covered a lot of ground. We followed the snaking road through the hillside, over a bridge, and on a highway out towards Napa, California's wine growing valley. On the way up we managed to stop by a sake brewery and I finally got the flavor that I've been looking for: Hakusan Raspberry Sake. Sure, it's a bit of a foo foo drink, but it's smooth, sweet, and just an overall nice light wine. I couldn't resist getting a couple of bottles along with some sake-filled chocolates! Mmmmm...
Looking at our watches we realized we couldn't hit Napa itself and so we hopped on the road and instead found ourselves in Sonoma, another wine-growing area. We stopped at the town square and walked among the small shops. Steve's eyes spotted an ice cream place and once inside their doors we were surrounded by the aroma of sugary goodies. I had to get the double chocolate gelato; Steve settled for a sno cone. It was a nice break after having been on the road for so long. I also found a few colored candle plates that looked like small flowers.
Steve and I finally arrived in The City and once again had to pay that bridge tax: $5.
Kristen and I swapped bags
and parted once again. Steve and I didn't know what to do but it was clearly
dinner time. So we headed out to a pizza joint and then back home.Yes, this whole weekend was about driving and food. Don't ask me why. It just was.
Monday, 2003.06.30:
And today was the day that I've been dreading and looking forward to all the same: my first day full-time on the job. But rest assured it was very good.
I looked in the mirror in the morning after a light coat of foundation was on. Ugh, my hair was not cooperating. Whatever. I combed it as straight as I could and that was that. I loaded up my bags with the essentials. Nameplate: check. Badge: check. Pager: check. Cellular, wallet, glasses, lip gloss: check, check, check, and check. Sanity: err...check. I grabbed my purse and my laptop as I headed out of my room. Before closing my bedroom door I took one last deep sigh. This was it.
Walking up to the building I took a deep breath and summoned what courage I had in me to keep me walking briskly. I swiped my new badge against the reader and the door clicked open. There weren't many people around when I wandered in at 8:45a. Oh yeah, this is a building of engineers---they're probably just getting out of bed now. I put a few things down in my cube and then pulled out my new nameplate. I yanked the old one off the cube wall and tried affixing the new one. My project manager happened to be in at the time and even he admitted the new nameplates don't stick to our fabric walls. Oh well. I bent a few paperclips and rigged up a harness to hang the nameplate. And then I turned my attention to my laptop.
Logging in was a breeze. Apparently the IT folks had executed the changeover just fine and I got into all my old systems without a hitch. I was greeted by my mail reader showing 650 new e-mail messages. Geez!!! That's what I get for not having logged on in a week. I didn't get time to go through them because it was time for another round of back-to-back meetings that were expected to continue through about 1:00p. Oh I so missed back-to-back meetings. Not.
At our 10:00a staff meeting my manager had a raspberry-chocolate cake. And on top of the cake was big red letters: Welcome Amber. That was very cool of her to do that for me and the rest of the department. (Plus the cake was most excellent.) So as we shared status we chewed on the cake. I was even happier that this was my breakfast; I didn't think I could last until 1:00p w/out eating. But anyways, everyone was very receptive and they all got the names and pronouns right. Impressive.
The only thing that made me think "oh crap" was in my third meeting. I started a conference session over Microsoft NetMeeting and I forgot my name is set in the preferences. So when I joined the meeting I saw my Boy Name appear and I quickly killed the app. After changing to "Amber" I logged back in and everything was fine.
Running to bathrooms on other floors of our building is annoying, but I agreed to a week of it. The plan is to see how people react and if they're OK then I'll just use the one on our floor. The nice thing, though, is that on the other floors I was walking in and out w/out any problem at all. No one even seemed to bat an eye. Stealth is good.
Had a long lunch with some colleagues. We talked about everything but transition; that was a nice break. It was nice to be accepted or at least not having to worry about transition issues even as a subtext to the conversations. No, it was just lunch and rambling.
Towards the end of the day a couple of my colleagues used male pronouns when referring to me, but that's forgivable. They're trying to adjust and it's definitely not automatic. I reminded them lightly and hopefully they'll use that as a mental note to force their behavior. Not that I want to be really that strict but it's easier if you get people to comply in the beginning before they get used to how you look and sound but yet still use the old name or wrong pronouns.
I can't say the day was extremely memorable but it was most definitely a very good day. Months---no, years---of planning led to this moment and it all just came together so smoothly. I really have to thank so many people for being able to make this happen. Of course, it's still early in the execution phase of our plans, but things are good so far. Very good.
And now I have to pick out my clothes for tomorrow.
...
Don't you hate it when you find a particular item of clothing that just works so well and you can't find it anymore? I have these pair of Gap khakis which are just perfect for the office and casual use. But I only bought one pair---and I think they were on sale too for $30 at the time. Well, stupid me, I got to really liking them but no store seems to carry them anymore. So I called up Gap online and ordered a second pair. It was pretty expensive once you add shipping and taxes, but I really would hate it if I lost my one-and-only pair! I mean, today I managed to get a little chocolate cake on the leg and I freaked out thinking that if this pair of khaki's goes then I'll not have a good comfy pair! So that fear drove me to place the order and hopefully in a week or so I'll be getting a nice little package in the mail.
My new rule: buy something, try it for a couple of weeks, and if you like it a lot then go back and buy a second set.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Happy -
Good -
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Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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