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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Monday, 2003.12.01:
Got up pretty early and checked out. No time for a real breakfast, Noah's was on the way out to the tram. At least the trams protects you from the weather. We've not had a good-weather day yet. The boat ride to Alcatraz wasn't any better. I've been to the island before but it was rushed because it was on a tour. This time we got to explore it. It took a while to get back to the Pier so by the time we got there we were looking for a snack. A quick cup of clam chowder did the trick.
Getting our car back let us tour about the rest of the city. Yerba Buena, Lombard, Coit, Grace Cathedral... We got some great night shots. But it was time to get out of the City eventually. At home 347 photos needed some serious sorting.
Tuesday, 2003.12.02:
I ended up playing Need For Speed: Underground into the wee hours of the morning while Brenda and my roomie slept. Or rather, I ended up waking up my roomie because of the volume of the game. (She usually sleeps through everything.) In fact I only got a few hours of sleep before we were out of the house. It was laid back, though. We toured Stanford, the neighboring shopping center, and had Italian for night. Brenda totally loved Queer Eye.
Wednesday, 2003.12.03:
It was a good thing yesterday was a rest day because we covered so much ground today. We ended up passing back through the City but toured the west side of it. The Golden Gate bridge wasn't all that crowded so we got a chance to walk half of it before we just got tired of walking it. Sausilito was cool as usual and my fav waterfront diner satisfied the hunger pangs. We spent way too long there because we didn't get to Mt. Tam until almost sunset. Light was fading fast and to get to the summit requires a 1/4-mile hike up a rocky trail. We did make it up to the peak but not quite in time to catch pictures of sunset up there. Still there's a kind of beauty you get from seeing the yellow twinkling city lights below outlining the edge of the Bay. I was thinking that on the way down as we felt our way down the trail in the dark, Driving a ways more we finally checked into our hotel in a sleepy wine town. The hotel had artifacts of a time that was simpler and slower. The most modern-style thing I think we saw was the restaurant we had dinner in.
Thursday, 2003.12.04:
We woke up to another overcast morning in the little wine town. We didn't have a whole lot of time for our lunch appointment in another town, so we just got to walk some of the shops and grab a coffee. I found some olive oil that had a bit of flavor that might go well with some of the stuff I like to eat. But it was time to hit the road.
Winding our way through the barren rows of wine vines we ended up at an awesome destination: the CIA. No, not the federal building, the Culinary Institute of America. If you're ever up there, definitely have lunch there but don't expect it to be cheap. That was a cool place that's such an unusual location for a school.
We hit a couple more wineries before turning back towards home. It was such a long drive back but we stumbled in through the door finally. We put on The Rock on the DVD player and I started combing through the 601 MB of photos data.
Friday, 2003.12.05:
We headed back to the coast today. I haven't been back to Monterey in quite a while. We hit the usual suspects: Cannery Row and the Aquarium. We actually ended up staying there until the last minute when they were shooing people out the door. Later we found a little diner to get some dinner. The tiramisu wasn't too bad.
Brenda saw a little Tenchi Muyo before bed. She was anxious to actually watch some kind of anime while she was here and that's an old fav of mine. Actually, that was the first commercial anime I bought way back when... '93? I can't remember but my tapes are ancient. That was in the days of $30/30 minutes an episode.
Saturday, 2003.12.06:
More anime for Brenda this morning. I decided to show her something totally off the wall. And so it was Ebichu the Housecleaning Hamster to the rescue. (It's the kind of crude anime which makes you say: "you mean they were showing that on public television in Japan!") Oh, I also broke our streak of eating good food by feeding Brenda some good ol' Taco Bell. Hehehe. We lounged around for a while to let that digest and then it was out to find some form of entertainment. We found some place to play pool and get some arcade gaming in.
Sunday, 2003.12.07:
Having a little extra time on our hands we sorted through all the pictures and created CDs of our journey for her. Pictures and music and other snippets were packed into digital memories. It has been a very fun time these past 9 days and I'm sure the events will stay in our memory for quite a while. We've covered hundreds of miles, taken hundreds of pictures, and consumed way too many hundreds of calories. But I think the means justifies the end. So the vacation came a close just the way it should.
Monday, 2003.12.08:
First days back at work after a long vacation are always a chore. You know, like removing vacation greetings, turning off e-mail autoreplies, reading hundreds of e-mail messages, and finding out your new boss knows about your transition.
Hehe.
Just to sort of catch up on things around the office I popped in to ask him some general questions. At some point in the conversation he asked me to close the door---which doesn't happen that often. Then he said something very odd: "it usually makes it easier if we get the elephant out of the way." I was going to begin scratching my head when he finally completed his thought: "I know ... about the changes."
Oh. Um, yeah.
You can imagine I was a bit shocked at that because it just seemed to come out of the blue. It's not that big of a deal to me and takes some trepidation out of my disclosure of my past. (I was going to do it anyway in the spring to give him a few months to come to terms with it before I take my leave of absence to complete SRS.) He seems cool with it so far. In fact he said he was sort of looking at me rather curiously after his first 24 hours of knowledge. Anyways, we'll see how this goes.
Tuesday, 2003.12.09:
Nothing makes you feel quite as ugly as a friend who declines to introduce you to her other friends. So, I'm showing this person around my building when she gets the idea to drop by another friend who happens to work in the same office. I tell her where his cube is and the both of us start walking over to there. Then she stops and tells me to wait while she goes and talks with him. I don't even know this person. But my friend (maybe now "friend") says she doesn't feel comfortable introducing the two of us together and that she doesn't want him associating anything between my friend and I. So I turn to her and ask her, "what, is it really that obvious [that I'm a trans]?" Her answer was along the lines of "uh...". Gee, that's a real confidence booster. Now I'm not just the frumpy girlfriend. Nonono, I'm also the ugly and not-to-be-associated girlfriend. Thanks.
That and the fact Seth was giving me the cold shoulder at lunch once again. Gawd, why do I even bother? Why oh why I don't know.
Today's mood: overcast with a bit of rain.
Wednesday, 2003.12.10:
Finally extracted my Macross Plus video cassette (yes, VHS) from our VCR of Death. That stupid machine ate my tape last week when I was trying to show it to Brenda and wouldn't cough it back up. I tried forcing it out but it just wouldn't go. Then my roomie tells me, "oh, our VCR is acting funny." You think?! Grr... Well, I was about to pry the tape out of there tonight when I figured I'd give it one more go. Pressing the eject button actually yieled a different noise. Instead of sounding like a strangled mouse it clicked, whirred, paused, whirred, then with a hefty ka-chung spit out the cassette. Thank goodness.
Now back to thinking about making travel plans. I might be meeting up with some friends just before X-mas this year. Hm. I guess I've really gone a lot of places this year.
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How sad this is. I've got 2 laptops and a desktop at work now. Why? Because my original laptop died a horrible death a month ago, I acquired the desktop as a temporary replacement, and now they're trying to swap me onto a new laptop. Let's just say that I've gotten eerily efficient at reinstalling all of my applications and data. It usually takes me a few tries to get PHP running under a local Apache instance---not this time, I got it on the first try. Now I just have to wait until the new laptop gets some more memory and then I get rid of the old laptop and possibly that extra desktop. Then I can stop working across 3 different computers at the same time...
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Met up with a friend tonight for dinner before she flies north for the Holidays and got to play with something unique. How many of you out there know what a "K & E Log Log Duplex Trig" is? It's this mahogany-backed ivory-face slide rule. I've never used one until now. It was surprisingly accurate, though I think we were calculating something like 2.2 x 2.2 and you had to sort of interpret the line to get the exact answer: 4.84---looks more like 4.85. Oh well, close enough.
One thing she did mention was that on the phone my voice sounded guy-ish. Oh great. She didn't say it was specifically male but that I was in that weird in-between region. Yay. So this is not a confidence booster. It just goes to prove that there is something really wrong here. But she admitted that once I began talking to her that she said it sounded just fine. Grr... I hate my voice.
Thursday, 2003.12.11:
Oh this bites. Here I get ready to rerelease the site on its new location and the hosting service begins having problems. So, it is quite possible that Amberspace will be moving again in the next few weeks.
Speaking of moves, I transferred Amberspace to the new laptop so I can work on it mobile once again. Maybe I'll finally get around to writing up the October and November blog entries.
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Most of my X-mas shopping is done for the year. I dunno but I just can't seem to really get in the Holiday mood this year. Prolly because of all the changes going on in my life. But I just don't seem to have much motivation. I can't describe it...
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You know what's interesting, when I'm with other trans folk I almost always get into a discussion with something related to transition. What's significant about this is that I almost never bring up the topics first. Maybe it's because there's not a whole lot on my mind regarding transition or that I tend to vent it out in writing instead of constantly bouncing it off other people. I'm not saying talking about our issues is a bad thing---far from it---I guess I wonder why others almost dwell on it. (I probably haven't said this right but this is just my perception.)
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Wrote a colleague to see if she wants to go to lunch next week. It struck me that here everyone around me is being all social-like and I'm sort of just coming and going from the office. Definitely gotta fix that.
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Ever try eating off all the chocolate from a 3 Musketeers bar before eating the center? There's a certain trick to hooking your teeth to the outside of the square edge of the chcolate so you can take it off in panels. Mmm... I still got the touch. I used to do that all the time in high school 'cuz I think I used to do like 2 bars a day. Call me insane.
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The entertainment/humor link of the day: The Meatrix.
Friday, 2003.12.12:
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I'm just all blech today and I don't know why. Maybe Matchbox 20's "Unwell" describes it best:
All day, staring at the ceilingSpeaking of which, I almost figured out the chords to the song.
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night, hearing voices
Telling me that I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hope gone, feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough, you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Food suggestion of the day: Nate's Taquitos. (Can't find a link for you.) They're veggie stuff but mmm... they taste good. I've almost consumed the entire box too. This is so much better than frozen Thanksgiving leftovers. Oh, and some information on where to get protein.
Another holiday recommendation (if you can get it) are Ghiradelli Peppermint Bark Squares. Mmm. Crunchy and chocolatey.
Sometime in the afternoon I needed to make something to warm me up because the house was cold. I started brewing tea before I realized I didn't have a teapot or a clean thermos around. But we had some Erlenmeyer flasks left over from Halloween. You know, tea brewed in a flask looks really weird.
Saturday, 2003.12.13:
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New word for the day: mellifluous. (Soft and sweet, or flowing with sweetness.) Also akin to mellisonant.
Woke up early today to make it to Kyle's. We were trying to make it up to a friend's place way up north about 2 hours drive so we had to get a move on. But, we were waiting for Pam and Darren to arrive---they were late by about 1.5 hours! In the lull Kyle and I were talking and stuff and I got his recipe for his coconut rice.
So by the time the four us piled into Kyle's sedan we knew we had to book it to San Francisco to meet our lunch reservations. Well, actually, these were breakfast reservations at Kyle's fav place in the city. (This place is way too expensive for most of us commonfolk to afford.) But the food here rocks. And because I got my Eggs Benedict I'm quite the happy camper.
After a rapid breakfast we hit the farmer's market down by the waterfront. Kyle loves this place because he gets his herb salad and flowers here. Since Kira has this total green thumb, Kyle always gets her plants and flower stuff. So he snapped up an orchid for Kira and some pasta. (I was able to locate some pasta as well that was free of wheat, diary, and meat. Wow.)
It took us a long time to get there but we finally did. Kira was sick and so were her housemates. We were only going to say "hi" then "bye" but after having driven the 2 hours to get there we asked them if they wanted to check out a museum not all that far away. It seemed that they were cooped up so long that they needed to get out.
A short drive later and we chanced upon the Charles M. Schultz museum. (You know, the guy that drew the Peanuts comic strip?) It's a cool place for something totally devoted to Schultz' legacy. They have 50+ years of strips that he did, equipment from his design studio, and some contributor's exhibits. One of the display artists right now is Tom Everhart. He's got this cool style where he paints these circle spots and when you stand back the colors sort of blend and you see the whole picture. I think they were acrylic. Anyways, we had to head back home at some point so we split up from Kira and her roomies.
Back home it was about 7:00p and I had missed dinner with some other friends. Too bad, but traffic was a bear to try to navigate. I had a small concert I was going to at 8:00p so I bid Kyle farewell and headed out to the venue. They held it in the back of this bookstore in a small studio and it was a real intimate setting. The kind of music is hard to describe because it wasn't any particular genre, but it was folk-like in the medieval sense. This 4-piece group uses various string and wind instruments and plays songs from various European countries in that old style that you'd expect to hear at a Rennaissance Fair. They were good.
I went with a married couple and we got seats quite close to the front. (Well, seating was so tight everyone wasn't more than a stone's throw from the stage.) They knew some of the group's songs since they had seen them the last time they passed through this area.
I bid my two friends farewell then it was back off to home, my roomie, and our cats. She was watching Saturday Night Live; Elijah Wood was singing soprano in some skit.
More increasingly it seems people I'm around don't know about my transition. In a sense it's creating a weird kind of lonliness because I'm still haunted by tons of problems (having only gone full-time about 6 months ago) and yet my avenues for talking about those things are becoming more scarce. Also, since I'm trying to turn my life around and spend less time in front of the computer at home (except for obligatory gaming or music sessions) that means less contact with the T* community. Maybe it is a good thin because it might just help me spend more time in the Real World so I can continue getting acclimated to my new life. But I still think we all need an outlet and some good friends to bounce thoughts off of. A diary like this Blog doesn't always satisfy my needs for venting.
Surgery is drawing closer. Wow. Kristina asked me again this week: "are you sure you want to do this?"
I'm looking forward to next weekend where I may get the chance to meet a few other people I have only known from online. It's funny how you can talk to a person online and get a fairly good sense of them and then you finally meet them in 3-D.
Sunday, 2003.12.14:
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Wow. Saddam Hussein is captured by US forces. That's some news to wake up to. In a way I'm glad he's been finally removed, however I'm still not sure the end justified the means.
But for tonight's entertainment: The Hebrew Hammer. It had its moments.
Monday, 2003.12.15:
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Worked like a dog all day. Started around 9:30a and finished around 9:30p. When I got home my eyes were screaming to have the contacts taken out. (And my stomach was making funny noises too.) But thanks to a good bowl of pho to help get some energy into me. Ah, there's nothing like a steaming soup with tendon and raw beef in a savory MSG-laden base. Well, I guess that sounds pretty tasty for those who like tendon and MSG.
Word of the Day: L'Chaim. ("lih-HIGH-eem", gutteral on the "HI" part.) Of Yiddish/Hebrew origin said as a toast before drinking alcohol similar to "cheers!" in English. (It means "to life".)
Tuesday, 2003.12.16:
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There are some things which are just so horrible you can't imagine why people put them out there on the Net. They include: goatse, tubgirl, and weightlifter. I think I'll run back to Homestar Runner where everything's bright and shiny again...
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OK, it's now 2:00a and my eyes are red raw. About half an hour ago I got back from a helluva day that began at 7:00a...
Saw my endo this morning. I trust her because she's always given me generally good advice regarding HRT as well as a whole bunch of other things.
I told her how my patches were leaving tons of red marks, irritation on sensitive skin. (I've always had really sensitive skin, now it's just mega worse.) She gave me a 1-month supply of trial Esclim patches which are supposed to be more hypoallergenic and more flexible than the Vivelle Dots I'm on. (I like Vivelle because they're small and clear. But they're hardly flexible.)
I've asked her about going to pills or other methods of delivery for my estradiol and she's of the opinion that in my case it would still be best to stick to the transdermal patches for a number of reasons. According to recent research she's read the patches have a significantly lower blood-clot rate than pills---about 3x less. And she's also of the opinion that women who cycle are also at a higher risk of developing cancer, hence the 24/7 steady flow of hormones from patches. Of course, to me this is hearsay so I have no opinion of my own but I trust her for now.
After that I skeedaddled over to the theater where friends were already in line. I suppose others had been in line since the wee hours of the morning, but our group prolly got in closer to 8:00a. Even though this was a special showing of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and we all bought our tickets like 2 months ago, there was a long long line that stretched down the sidewalk. Starbucks was being nice and had out some free coffee for those who were brave enough to face the chilly morning air.
About 10:30a they finally started letting us in, groups of 20 at a time. The cost of the tickets was like $25, and upgrade packages were available to give you free refills on popcorn and soda. I mean, we were in for the long haul: back-to-back viewings of the three movies. The extended editions of The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers were followed by one we've been waiting for: The Return of the King.
It was so worth taking the day off from work though. Watching the movies all in a row was good because it sort of refreshed your memory of this larger-than-life world the characters live in. And on the big screen the photography is just amazing, truly epic. Except for the beginning of the third movie (which I consider to be out of character) I was very pleased with the whole series. The sheer amount of detail was amazing. The close-ups really take you into the heart of the battles and let you see how each person is contributing.
We got 45 minute breaks between the movies which was about enough to hit the loo and grab a snack to eat. Fortunately the theater we were at was part of a mall and the food court was right below the theater. Between the six of us that went we got a lot of stamps on our frequent-buyer card for an Indian restaurant. (Mmm...spicy beef curry...) During the breaks those ppl who were still in the theater were treated to giveaways and raffles. But they were just shirts and some other stuff. There was a mini costume contest too---reminds me of my old days in comic book conventions.
Yawn.
OK. I'm off to bed.
Wednesday, 2003.12.17:
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I'm going to be tired on Saturday too, I can tell you. A gathering of friends is taking place at the opposite end of the state and since I'd rather not spend the money to fly we'll be driving down. Even at a fairly fast clip down the interstate it'll take all morning and then some to reach our destination. And even then, that's under the best circumstances. The weather promises to be cloudy but not rainy, so driving conditions should be OK. (
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Made another veggie sandwich for dinner, but this one was a turkey sandwich. No, not real turkey: Yves Veggie: Veggie Turkey Slices. Wow. These are great! If you like deli meats you definitely have to try this.
Thursday, 2003.12.18:
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I have been a fan of CorelDRAW since its 1.0 days, but due to events I was forced to start using Freehand 9 long ago. Today I needed to do some vector drawing and not having either handy I went and downloaded them. Macromedia Freehand MXa is nice and the thing I liked about it was the ease of object duplication and transformation. For instance create a triangle and rotate it on a corner 60-degrees and you have a pinwheel instantly. I also liked the keyboard shortcuts on Freehand better. Now, Corel has been my staple program for cool gradient effects. CorelDRAW 11 has some cool paragraph text wrapping features tho.
(I know you probably care nothing about this but I love these programs. I used to do a lot of journalism stuff way back when...)
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Forgot to put in earrings today after my shower and didn't realize until I was at work. I'm dreading when I go back home and try to put the posts back in. That is not going to be fun.
Fortunately I've had earrings for about 6 months so the holes should still
be pretty clear when I get home....
In the spirit of the season I once again found that good old animation: The Spirit of Christmas. It features our favorite animated children: Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric. (Warning: you might want to send the young children from the room before playing it.)
Friday, 2003.12.19:
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It's funny how some colleagues just walk past me without even recognizing me. I was in the break room a few minutes ago when one stop, turned, stared, and then there was the sudden realization: "oh, you cut your hair!" Yeah. Like a month ago.
Hehe......
OK, programming/nerd rant of the day: I hate the fact that PL/SQL allows for IN, OUT, and IN/OUT parameters on procedures. Life just got more confusing. Here I am looking at a piece of code and I can't figure out which parameter does what. This is a terrible mechanism because it's not understandable until you read the function definition. Why oh why did someone design this thing? Even other people complain about the same thing:
OUT parameters complicate your procedure call.Good. I'm not alone. Curse curse curse curse...
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Now anyone maintaining the code has to figure out which of those arguments are IN and affect processing, OUT and pass back information, or, heaven help them, IN OUT. Note that there is no immediate way to tell which is which.
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If you ever have to maintain a poorly-written legacy system, you will quickly find yourself cursing OUT parameters.
In other news I've been thinking of using XSL to handle the compiling of this site. I'm still somewhat undecided on that. I like the system I've got set up because it does some logical processing as well, but maybe the rest could be done with XSL instead.
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Man, I've been doing a lot of travelling lately compared to almost all years previous. I think I've been on some sort of a vacation every single month. Next year, I don't know if I'll get the same chance, but we'll see. There's a bunch of ppl I want to meet or places I wanna go. Wanderlust will probably be the next thing that sucks up all the money in my bank account.
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These Esclim patches are unbelievably big. I mean, this 0.1mg patch is about 2"x4"! I was horrified when I took it out of its foil protector. The patches aren't thin either. Ugh. I can't win. I may go back to using Vivelle because of the sheer size. Plus, the Esclim may not be as hypoallergenic as advertised. I'm already getting a little itching around it. Oh well, I'll see if I can last the weekend with it on. If not then I'll definitely go back and suffer the little red skin marks. (It's either that or look to using pills/injectibles, which I'm not all gung ho about.)
Saturday, 2003.12.20:
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Today was the first leg of a weekend of adventure. I went down with Gwen to a very unique summit. In preparation for V-Day there is a gathering of trans who have a strong Web or media presence to discuss issues of violence against women and how it relates to the transgender experience. This all came together rather sudden in these past few weeks. I really didn't know how I'd contribute to the effort but I figured at the very least this would be an excellent opportunity to meet a bunch of people in perrson that I had only previously talked to via e-mail and IM.
The cool morning air made my cheeks and ears sting as I stepped out to my little car. I had gassed up and checked tire pressure the day before so I was pretty much ready to go. I needed cash but there was an ATM on the way. So, luggage in back, tunes in the CD changer, and drinks in the cupholders, I was ready for the road.
Since Gwen doesn't exactly live around the corner from me it took me a while to get to her place. In fact I was totally late by almost an hour. Ugh. (The Amber Time Dilation Factor, ATDF, was strong this morning.) But I eventually found her house and rang the doorbell expecting her to pop out. Then I waited. And cautiously went back to the front of the house to check the number. I then browsed my Palm and found, oops, that I had the wrong house. A quick call to Gwen confirmed I missed the house by 1 number. (To the residents of that other house: sorry!!!) Gwen was indeed ready to go and she popped out as soon as I got to her doorstep.
We wended our way down the interstate knowing we had hours of driving to go. We had a significant distance to cover between her place and our target location in Southern California. We were supposed to be there by 2:00p and I told Andrea there was no way we could make it on time even under the best of circumstances. Me with my ATDF totally did not help. It was 8:30a so we had about 5.5 hours to travel the entire distance (probably 380 miles) including traffic jams, refuelling, and a break. Heh. Tall order, eh? Well, surprise surprise: we did it.
We refuelled and got some food at a Subway sandwhich shop somewhere south of Harris Ranch. We inhaled the food and found a Chevron just a block or so down. (Chevron is said to keep the injector valves cleaner than all other gasolines and I like having good fuel.) This would be our only stop.
The monotony of this drive was broken up by us just talking about stuff and listening to the CDs she had burned. We bounced from topic to topic, not really having much dead time. All the meanwhile the road flew by. I wasn't trying to drive too aggressively but we did have to put the pedal to the metal to get there within reasonable time. Let's just say I now know that in 6th gear 100 MPH would require about 4,500 RPMs, not that I would ever dream of going that fast.
But my little silver baby just loves to eat up the road.
Muahahaha...So once in the L.A. area we started to hit traffic as predicted. However, it turned out things were still moving at a reasonable pace that we didn't have to break our rhythm. We turned off the highway to see if we could find a restroom and maybe a snack. It turned out we didn't find the gas I was looking for nor did we find a suitable fast food joint. We did find another Subway shop. Oh, and we finally got back on the highway after a few minutes of trying.
Up a windy mountain road, past yet another Subway store, around a hairpin turn (I mean like a 300-degree turn down a driveway) and another jog up a hill got us to our destination. There wasn't even much of a shoulder to speak of but a small plateau near the driveway entrance was big enough for a few cars. We parked there and I look at my watch: 2:10p. No way. We made it virtually on time surviving all that drive.
W00t!The house we went to was totally decked out in an earthy style and the layout permitted a small group to coalesce in the center of the living room. When Gwen and I arrived the others were in the middle of a meeting and so we all tried to be extremely quiet. One of the people suggested we go outside and so we made our way out the back door to a picnic table. Unfortunately as I stepped down the stairs there was this piercing CRACK! under my foot. I gingerly lifted it up to reveal a pulverized tile piece beneath my shoe. Someone had decided to put loose extra tiles out on those stairs. Ugh! But that was the worst of it.
Out back there were already a couple of people, one that ran a message board I frequent. We started talking. A couple of others came in later and someone returned from a trip to the market with sugar. Too bad they had only M&Ms and Reese's Pieces because I can't eat either of them---nut allergies. But there were some chips and that made it all better. When it got too cold we huddled indoors.
Every so often someone from the group would go and disappear for a while as they got interviewed by the V-Day crew. The idea was to pool a bunch of ideas and stories together for the production and rather than tackle everyone at once the producers decided to do a lot of 1-on-1s. Of course that means that it takes forever to get through everyone but it was well worth it. I even got a couple of things in, surprise surprise.
When we wrapped up for the day night had already overtaken everything. A few of us were hungry so we hopped in our cars and zoomed down to some lounge called Belly---see the pictures. It was good just catching up on non-serious stuff in a relaxed setting. As we were fading from general exhaustion people started leaving for their homes or hotels soon after.
Gwen and I finally found our hotel just east of Hollywood. Priceline scored us a pretty good room especially for only putting down $50/night. (You gotta love those kinds of fares.) I snapped a couple of shots but was itching to get out of the room. It was late and Gwen seemed like she wanted to walk too so we started just cruising down the streets in no particular direction. I figured we could walk to the more interesting part of Hollywood and we made it there in about 20 minutes. On the way it was interesting to watch cars drive by honking and cat-calling the young girls on the sidewalks. Or in the opposite case, there was a guy on the sidewalk howling (probably at some other pack of girls) making some pretty rude gestures with his fly. You had to be there. Let's just say Gwen and I did our best to ignore this guy.
We finally made to the entertainment center and got some coffee. In the cool night air we rambled on about things like her activism and what I missed in life having transition in my late 20s. A foursome of teen girls strode by in a boisterous pack and I just kinda sighed at that. I mentioned something to the effect, "It's stuff like that I wish I could be a part of but I think I've missed that phase because women my age don't do that anymore." It put me in a real whimsical mood.
When the coffee and hot chocolate were gone from our cups we made our way back to the hotel. After crawling beneath the starchy covers we stared at the ceiling in the dark. Gwen and I chatted a little before we both rolled over in our beds to get some real sleep.
Sunday, 2003.12.21:
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Around 6:30a Gwen stirred and flipped on the TV. I just couldn't sleep after that. I mean, it's not her fault---I just couldn't get into a comfortable zone. As I lay there in the bed the local TV report came on and they were showing a downtown Hanukah fair. The camera turned to focus on a group performing on one of the stages. They were doing a "Hanukah rap". Somewhere in there they interjected the Dredel Song. And later as I was getting ready Gwen started singing or humming it---I don't remember which. And so for that morning I had the Dredel melody running through my brain. I totally blame it on Gwen for this. But she apparently denies it, acting all innocent. (You can read her words in her blog.)
We went to a breakfast place, The Griddle Cafe, on good recommendation. There's kind of this bar running the length of the restaurant where you get to see the kitchen as well as a fair number of the patrons. I got the sense that this was just a meat market, not that I minded. Gwen got this thick apple-cinnamon French toast and I this gigantic stack of pancakes. When I mean gigantic, we're talking like 10" in diameter and 4" high. I kid you not.
We got back to the house we were at just yesterday. The big ol' dirty dog was still there so a couple of us played with it for a while. There was suggestion we go outside to the side of the house and sit out around a round picnic table. We gathered up drinks and stuff and carried it out to the table.
A whole bunch of people gathered outside, some who hadn't been there the day previous. We all got to talking as more came. I got a few minutes to talk to a few of them more privately, but it seemed we reached critical mass not long after. We filed in and formed an arc in the living room---well, except for me.
I stood out on the side with a few other people rather than join the roundtable that was going on. But, it was cool listening to the whole group go at it. They covered just about every trans topic I can think of. I was struck by the maturity, intelligence, and synergy this disparate group of trans folks displayed, many who had met for the first time this weekend. It was really something.
Gwen and I said our goodbyes and as daylight faded we got ourselves back onto the long road home. Fast food fueled our stomachs as we flew back up the highway. There were times when the fog closed around us so tight it was like being enveloped in a big gray sheet. But we talked, we sang to Queen. (Note: Gwen also knows all the lyrics to Sir Mix-a-lot's Baby Got Back.) We found yet another Subway to stop in later on---I thought it was funny that no matter where we went we found a Subway.
We finally got her back home safely and I finally got back to mine in the end. My mind rambled as I watched the highway lines drift by in that endless darkness punctuated by the occassional streetlamp at an interchange. I stumbled in through my door weary around 2:00a knowing full well I'd have to be up in a few hours for work. But the extra strain was well worth it as I had just had one helluva weekend. And on that note I fell asleep in my bed.
Monday, 2003.12.22:
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I'm still recovering from this weekend. (Calpernia has her diary entry up.) I had this strange sense of calm this morning as I was getting ready for work.
Once at the office, I was talking to one of my colleagues early this morning when another, Natalie, just bounded right up to us. I mean literally she ran up to us. She was exceedingly happy and bouncy---and talking pretty fast too. When the conversation ended she hopped away, too. I had never seen her that energetic and joyous before. I later found out that she had two cups of coffee before coming to work and two cups at work, all in the space of time before 10:30a. She had no clue she was so wired! We all got a good laugh at it when she realized she was indeed acting strangely. She promises to cut back tomorrow.
This morning was a 6.5 earthquake centered in Southern California and we felt it up in our office. I was in a meeting when one of the participants (who was not from California) started freaking out. He was like, "oh my God! It's an earthquake!" He gives me this wide-eyed stare and pleads, "what do we do?" I was sitting down as were a couple of other colleagues. I calmly said, "ah, it's no big deal. Doesn't feel too bad. We might want to get under the desk." But then the shaking ceased. Since that sort of interrupted our meeting that was going on everyone was a bit distracted. The guy then said, "well, I guess I'll take this opportunity..." and he ran out towards the bathroom probably to empty his bladder or his nervous stomach---which of the two I don't know. I guess having lived through so many quakes I'm bored of earthquakes. To everyone else it's a big deal. Although, there was major damage to buildings in Paso Robles with at least 2 dead. That is really too bad...
I picked up Steve from the airport today in the midafternoon. He was coming back from his three week-long trip in Asia. We went for dinner at a Mexican restaurant and then just lounged at his place. Somewhere in between the airport and going to his place I got dirt on my khakis from having leaned on my car. So we threw my pants into his washer and I borrowed some drawstring sweats from him. He's much taller than I am and so there I was trying to cinch up the waist as tight as possible (which is still loose, BTW) and roll up the cuffs on the sweats. Actually, it looks really cute.
Speaking of cute, he brought back from Asia this sarong set. It is cool! But he guessed the size at 32 (metric sizes) because it was one of the smaller sizes. I gave him that skeptical look like "what, are you out of your mind?!" I decided to try it on anyways. It was pretty tight on the forearms and the waistline is uber-tight. But, I can in fact get it on and oh my does it show curves. I really am not all that curvy but with this on it is quite flattering. I told him that I'll keep it for now and maybe we can get a tailor to adjust it a little for my body. (Really, I think a 34 would fit just about perfectly.)
Tuesday, 2003.12.23:
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I so suck. I left the house this morning with my computer bag, a handful of CDs, and my keys. What I did not have was my purse. Argh! Or in the words of Kate: sucktastic. And so now I'm sitting in the dealership service office without my car, my cellular phone, and any money. Well ... the latter isn't exactly true; I took out all the change that I had put in my car which is, uh, $3.22. I guess that's about enough for a plain coffee at the Starbucks across the street and a local phone call. Fortunately I remembered Steve was also taking his car into the shop and oddly enough his shop is right down the road. I found a phone in the waiting room to call him and he came by in his loaner car and whisked me away to work.
Called up my parent's place and Mom answered. I begged her for a ride back to the dealership and they (Mom and Dad) seem to be agreeable to that. So even though things aren't exactly rosy between me and them, at least they're willing to help out when I'm in need.
Later on in the afternoon I called the house again and Dad picked up this time. He clearly is not comfy with the sound of my voice. He never does. But at least he seemed to be able to hold a conversation.
*sigh*
This is going to be such a long road with my parents. I just wish they would open up and talk about this stuff so we can figure out the next step. Sometimes I want to wring their necks or forcibly throw them into a support group, but I know it doesn't work like that. Until their minds are receptive their fears will overwhelm their compassion. It is just taking so damned long.
But I was at least able to have a decent evening with them. After getting my car we went back to their place. Dad brought in some Chinese take-out and we all nibbled at it. Our Christmas tree needed ornaments so Dad, my brother, and I went into the ever-growing ornaments box and hung them all up. (Oh, yeah, my not-so-little little brother is back up here for the holidays.) Later in the evening Dad and brother went to bed while Mom and I baked our annual batches of shortbread cookies. We so underestimated the amount of dough this time and we only got a yield of about three trays of dollar coin size cookies---usually they're about twice that size. At least it was kind of fun bonding with Mom. While both of us are kneading and mixing we got to talking about lots of things.
Oh, side note about my bro: he's a couple of years littler but he's like 3 inches taller and quite fit. I didn't notice it at first (because he was wearing a ski jacket) but he really is turning out to be a good looking guy. I mean, when he came back from dropping stuff off in his bedroom he was wearing some baggy pants and this Nike sleeveless top. OMG, with his muscle definition and virtually no fat it was something else. I guess both of us have changed a lot over these past years...
...
I'm rereading Evelyn's book, Mom, I Need to Be a Girl. One of the things I'm totally jealous of is how Danielle was able to experience all those wonderful childhood moments. Proms, Girl Scouts, dance classes. Sure, I can do similar things at my age now, but the problem is that finding peers that want to the same stuff is virtually impossible. Think about it: they've already gone through these things and have moved on into their mature lives. I can't regain that no matter how well I do now.
But don't think that I'm bitter about that or anything. I understand that I could not have hoped to do transition back then and, quite frankly, the technology wasn't at today's standard. Many other trans I've spoken with echo that sentiment as well. Anyways, so there's still adventures to be had. I just have to get away from this computer and live in the real world. That's beginning to happen as I'm gaining confidence. It's just like I was talking with another friend a few weeks ago and I reminded her I only hit full-time this summer. She, having been coming upon her second year of full-time noted, "oh, yeah, you're still new." Ain't that the truth?
Over and over people will tell you that life is what you make it. We all have opportunity in every moment, but it becomes the choice of your desire to make something of that moment. I'm trying to emerge from being consumed by my fears to radiating that sort of confidence that says, "hey, I've arrived at a place of peace with myself. PH34R M3." Well, maybe not exactly like that, but you know.
Thinking back just a minute, I used to be like that at one time. I felt I was hitting my stride and taking true command of my life. I had a long-time girlfriend, I was rapidly progressing up the ranks in my job, I had a wonderful circle of friends, I was having a lot of fun. Then transition started entering the picture, and then came 5 years of gut-wrenching decisions. It was a lot of facing fear and pushing through pain barriers, but here I am in 2003 finally beginning to leave that behind. One day this site will also be left behind but I hope that my words here can be of some use.
Stay positive.
Wednesday, 2003.12.24:
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It's just calm everywhere. The roads pretty empty, the office desserted. That actually worked in my favor as I brought in Mom's cookies. They quickly disappeared.
Anyways, happy holidays to you.
Thursday, 2003.12.25:
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My first Christmas at home. I gathered up two plastic bags filled with gifts, locked the car, and hurried myself into my parents house. They were just about to cook breakfast---I caught them at a good time. Of course I step into the kitchen in my low-cut sweater and black cords. My Mom looks up and pauses, her eyes say, "oh, why do you have to do this?" My Dad is a little bit better with his poker face and he just kinda looks away. But the moment passes and we begin to speak to each other in our usual smalltalk...
"Oh, <boy name>, there's decaf over there and some hot tea in the thermos."You know. Silly stuff like that.
"Cool, thanks. What kind of coffee?"
"French vanilla."
Mom and I whip up some French toast whilst just talking about this and that. I tell Mom about how her shortbread cookies were a smash hit at the office yesterday and I tell her they rocked. Mom's funny: she takes up an extra cookie, chews on it for a second and says, "yeah, they do rock."
My Dad and brother are off in the next room talking about finances.
Somewhere they drift onto topics of health problems like diabetes
management and CPR. All in all, it's just a
usual family morning down at the Chan residence.We all sit down and people are happy. Actually, it seems like the room is more alive than it used to be. Our meals used to be so boring and quiet. Now we're all adults and sort of just engaged in stories about each other's lives. No real confrontation. No parent-child hierarchy. I like this.
I go and clean dishes and stuff and chat to Mom. Dad and bro are off doing whatever they do. Mom talks to me more about my transition.
"Are ... you sure you want to do this?"We get around to taking the family picture. Mom looks at me and jokes that I'd have to hold like the poinsettia plant in front of me so it looks like I'm more boyish than not. (My parents want me to still appear as a boy in their photos.) "But, your sweater is so feminine I don't think the plant would help," Mom remarks a second later. So lil' bro grabs one of his polo shirts and tosses it over to me. I throw it on over my sweater and I realize just how much bigger he is. I mean, I used to wear XS and S men's sizes; my brother is easily a L. So here I was like I used to be in my Dad's clothes when I was a kid. Big floppy arms. But, the shirt seemed to masculinize me enough that I look almost passable as a guy. Heh. I just hope we don't all have to keep up this farce next year...
"No, but I still have a few months to figure this out."
"Surgery is such a big thing..."
"Yeah, but I'm sorta inbetween right now and I really don't want to be. I would either like to be on one side or the other. And right now this is working for me so..."
It's onto the gifts next. We rip them open and before you know it there's a huge mass of crumpled paper and ribbons in the center of the living room just in front of our artificial tree. (Hey, that tree's been with us forever!) I got some cooking utensils from Mom and Dad; that'll go with the Hello Kitty toaster I received from my friends.
We took a breather in the afternoon as the ham baked in the oven. About an hour before we were to eat Mom and I sprang back into action. We put together the rice pilaf (a family favorite), the ham glaze, lettuce strips, and asparagus spears. Finally about 5:30p the ham emerged from the oven and we laid the juicy glaze over its sides. Mmm...
Dinner itself was good. We did the usual toast about how everyone was glad to be back together during the holidays. In spite of how my parents feel about my transition, at least we have still maintained our family tradition of being together during these occassions. So we kept the apple cider and conversation flowing.
Dad and I watched an old Nicholson movie, Five Easy Pieces, and then it was calling it quits tonight. I loaded up the sleig---err, car. And then off I went while Mom and Dad did their usual wave from the living room window.
Today went well all things considered. I still don't think my parents really take me seriously or even believe what's happening in my life. I'd like for them to come and acknowledge that I am making the best decision for my sanity in the present moment. I'd like them to use my name and the proper pronouns. I'd like for them not to sigh when I walk into their house. I want them to be proud that I still am the person that they've raised even though the image of the person I used to look like is fading away. In a way I know it sounds selfish but it's what I want.
The bottom line is: we all had a good time today. We are still a family and we're still functioning as a unit. They've not barred me entry from the house nor ceased to recognize my existence. So, that at least is a positive sign. When I write about how my Dad pissed me off, I still am quite disappointed with him. But maybe this is something which will just have to be worked out over time.
Friday, 2003.12.26:
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Not much going on today. Woke up late, Steve came over, we traded X-mas gifts, and we met up with a bunch of ppl to watch the new Peter Pan. I don't care if Rotten Tomatoes gave it good ratings: I thought it unnecessarily violent, had an awkwardly contrived romance, and had odd gaps in the storyline. Even if it was closer to the book (I'm told) I did not really enjoy it as much as other versions. I would steer clear of this if you plan to bring the kids.
Anyways, at least the group I went with was OK. We were tossing popcorn at each other during the more boring parts of the movie. I can't tell if the guy sitting with us was interested in me or not. He's been acting funny ever since I went full-time. Like before (only 7 months ago) he used to razz me all the time about stupid crap and be a total chauvanist around me. Now he's a sweetie some times. How weird.
Oh, you'll notice that there are now mood ratings next to each blog:
.
I don't know what I'm going to do with this whole mood tracker but I thought it might
be interesting to watch it over time.Another thing happening around here is that I'm reposting my voice pages with updated samples taken probably July of this year. There's still a bit of work to be done, but it'll come together soon enough. I'm not sure what to do with the old voice samples. Even I'm embarrassed when I listen to them.
Saturday, 2003.12.27:
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I went through my old mailing list memberships and started unsubscribing. It was sort of sad in a way... well, not sad so much as nostalgia tugging at me. I got a lot of info through these mechanisms but it's time to move on. Bit by bit I'm getting further away from the community that nurtured me. It was a good stay in the community and it's not like I'm drifting far from it. Rather, I've long said that I need to get back to living my life and I'm just making good on that promise to myself.
Deep breath, slow exhale. Eyes front. Life is out there.
Sunday, 2003.12.28:
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I'm so glad I'm not as sick as last night. Went out with a few friends to a Irish pub but left with my stomach writing after only 1.5 drinks. (Must have been something in the food or the drinks were too strong.) As we walked down the street to this other dive bar a block or so down I gripped Steve's arm tight with one hand, the other one trying to keep my leather coat closed. Still the night air worked fast to scavenge the remaining warmth from my body. We eventually got home and I found myself kneeling next to the toilet just waiting for the inevitable. It never happened, though, and I crawled into bed after removing my contacts. I just rolled over and tried to find a comfortable position. I slept until 6:00a this morning.
...
Turned on the computer and stopped by Launch and VH1. Watched a few music vids and got the gumption to rig up the old X3 keyboard---one of my best investments. I pulled it out to the living room and ran cables out to the stereo in the living room. From there I could play the keyboard next to my piano console. Nothing ever quite replaces the piano, but pianos don't have bass or pads. oh well.
Monday, 2003.12.29:
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I just couldn't sleep last night. I did stay up late and put in a whole bunch of stuff into this site like the Coming Out guide. Oh, BTW, that has a lot of stuff I used during my on-the-job transition that you or someone you know might find useful.
The rain really came down on us heavily today. I dunno, but I like the sound of rain. I love the feel of it too, but just not when it's blowing horizontal into your hair. Maybe it's a good thing I asked for a simple hairstyle that requires little maintenance.
Friends have New Years plans in progress but no concrete decisions. I'd like to do something more than sit around the house and write blogs. We are eyeing a place in The City but it's over a hundred bucks a ticket. I don't really drink all that much (as evidenced from Sunday morning's blog). But still I haven't ever really been to a New Year's Eve party. I've spent these years usually with friends but we stick at home and play games or I'm over at my parent's house. This year is a year of firsts, so it seems only fitting that I try to get as many new experiences as I can. But the real trouble ... I have nothing to wear! Argh. Maybe I'll have to go out tomorrow after work and find something just in case we do go out.
...
On a whim I went cruising around for other T-blogs and popped onto Aubrey's. You know what's cool? Read the sort of realization she comes to. Being able to say "hey, not for me" is good.
Tuesday, 2003.12.30:
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So a T-girl I met a while ago just got her purse stolen. Sighs. She's a long ways from home but can at least drive there. Unfortunately w/out money or anything it'll be tough. I may be able to put her up for a night, or if it looks dicey w/ my roomies then I'll look to find a local hotel. Hopefully she'll be pulling in on New Years day.
No, I don't typically do this.
...
I hate power-shopping. So, it looks like Steve's friend Melody did get tickets for the New Year's Eve thingamabobber. I had to make a decision in the morning and it was one of those real quick things. As I sent off my confirmation for the event I sank in realization that I have nothing to wear. I mean I really don't---I'm not just complaining for complaining's sake. I didn't plan this season on buying anything nice because I didn't think I'd have an occassion for it. Surprise. So that means no purse, no jewelry, no dress, no shoes, and no idea what to do with the hair. Argh! I wonder why I bring these things on myself.
Oh yeah, that's right. I'm forcing myself to do things while I'm in RLT. Oh yeah. Silly me.
(I hate it when I make promises to myself to force me out into social events.)
So, end of work rolls around and I call up Steve (because he's got nothing better to do) and tell him I need his help. He usually gets bored when we go shopping but I figured tonight he wouldn't because we would be constantly moving. And that's exactly what happened.
We almost literally ran through half a dozen stores... Macy's, Nordstroms, Express, Banana Republic, etc. All the sort of brand name stuff plus a couple of shoe stores. I really didn't find much but we did settle on something from Banana: a matte jersey dress with side shirring. Oh well, it works. We found some other shoes and some jewelry, but I'm leaning on returning those two because of some good fortune near the end of the night.
Steve and I barely got a moment's rest except for like 15 minutes to grab some food at the food court. I can remember as I was eating that I was just shaking my head side to side wondering if I'd be able to put something together in time. I mean, we got to the mall around 7:30p and they closed at 9:30p. Two hours is hardly any time. So when we finally exited the mall (very exhausted, btw) I was still feeling iffy about the whole thing. I text IMed Jen and asked if I could bug her for a fashion evaluation.
I finally showed up probably about 10:45p at her doorstep clutching a few bags. The door opened and I almost stepped right into Sarah who was supposed to have been on vacation. Jen was apparently equally surprised Sarah made it back to the area today---apparently things didn't go quite as well on Sarah's vacation so she's back early. Anyways, so I laid out the goods and modeled the dress for them. They thought the sandals I got were too low for the dress---supposedly the higher the hem line the higher the heels. The stone in the jewelry was also a bit cloudy and expensive for the price I paid too.
Sarah and Jen to the rescue, tho. If you've been following these blogs you know that aside from Sarah and I being almost the same height, we have almost the same shoe size and wide width. Thank goodness. So Sarah let me borrow a pair of semi-strappy sandals with a thicker heel (just what I was looking for!). It's funny, I chose the shorter heels at the store because all the ones I saw seemed to be fairly narrow and I can't deal with high heels that are narrow 'cuz my heels roll inward too much. Stupid pronation. Anyways, Jen thought the jewelry could use fixing too and Sarah had something a bit more formal-like albeit more massive. But together it seems to work. I mean, it's all a lot of hoopla over just a night event, but hopefully it'll be a good experience tomorrow.
Wednesday, 2003.12.31:
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So I'm doing laundry while working from home. Few people are in the office. In just a few hours I guess I'll be heading out to check out the mall again and see if I can get my own version of the shoes that that Sarah lent me. (Apparently there's a section in one of the stores I visited which might have shoes I'm looking for.) The salad in the fridge is old. The frisée is "frizzy". I'm out of veggie taquitos and lactose-free milk. I've got to pack before I go out tonight---I'm going to change at Steve's and crash at his place overnight. There's no way I'm driving tonight. Maybe I should change my bed sheets for the New Year just like Mom's old tradition. But I gotta pack...
My mind is racing. 10 million thoughts and limited time.
Breathe in through the nose out through the mouth.
This will all be over soon enough and the New Year will be upon us. I need to simplify and if that is going to be my resolution then so be it.
Breathe.
...
But as it is the time of reflection for a lot of us, maybe you ought to go and humor yourself. Dave Barry recaps 2003. I resent the comment that large-bodied Americans are causing tides. Remember, we Californians have banned eating in restaurants. Harumph.
Anyways, my best wishes to you for a happy and safe New Years. Please don't let anyone you know (yes, including you) drink and drive. (Visits to the hospital really spoil the holiday mood, you know.) OK, let's go have some fun and ring in January 2004!
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
- Ecstatic
- Happy
- Good
- OK
- Blech
- Sad
- Abysmal
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