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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Monday, 2005.08.01:
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You know, it's funny that due to some turmoil with my other siblings that somehow my issues with our family seem a little bit diminished. I can't really go into details but let's just say something unsettling has happened with another family member's decisions about the kind of relationship he's pursuing at the moment. (e.g. Mom and Dad don't approve. Actually, and neither do I.) So, in a roundabout way my parents have gotten closer to me because I'm like one of the only people they can really talk to regarding this. My parents used to lament about how I'm sort of an embarrassment to the family and how it changing sexes was just plain wrong. But now it's like we all have a common point of dissent against my other sibling. Heh.
Don't get me wrong! It's not like I'm happy that the relationship quandries are affecting another member of our family---because I just want him to have a happy life. But I do find it interesting that somehow I've become sort of the lesser of two evils...
Who'dathunkit?
Technorati tags: siblings, transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.08.02:
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Once in a while I check out the blog referrers to see who's linking over to here and whether or not I should finally update the Links page to put in a reciprocal link and I came across something rather weird. Apparently this blog was listed as part of a class assignment at a liberal arts and sciences college. It's amazing in what ways we're connected these days...
...
"If I hadn't been a woman, I'd have been a drag queen," quoth Dolly Parton. Hhehehe. That statement brings a smile to my face.
Technorati tags: homework, transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.08.03:
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I'm was panting pretty heavily and my legs were starting to feel weird. Fortunately I had my cellular on me so I paged through the address book for her entry.
Click. Ring. Ring.
Her: Hello?
Me: Hi. It's me.
What's up?
Are you home right now?
Yeah.
Um, can I get a ride from you?
Where are you?
About 10 minutes away...
Oh, OK. Well, come on by. The door will be open.
Click.
I showed up on her doorstep drenched in sweat. She did a quick look over me and asked, "you ran here?!" Err...yeah. All 6.5 miles to her apartment. Her boyfriend was grinning at me too. I shucked off my shoes and stepped inside.
It took me a lot longer than I had expected, but it was still good just to get out and do the distance. I think this is the farthest I've run in quite a while. Later on as I walked down the stairs from her apartment to her car I could feel my thighs straining. I'm going to pay for this tomorrow.
But, this is a good start. I'm hoping that maybe next week I'll be doing the full loop from my place to hers and back---that's a little over 10 miles I think. And if I push it a little more I can get up to half marathon distances. I was really hoping to do the Nike Women's Marathon in October, but they are sold out. Yup. They're too popular. And that really blows. Here I was thinking about going up with some friends I haven't seen in ages, but nooooooooo. Sold out. I still might train with them anyways. I need to get faster so I can do another race soon. That one will be 6 miles and I really want to get fast at it.
Technorati tags: running, transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2005.08.04:
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I have a confession. I'm such a moderate when it comes to just about everything. I swear. I was rereating the Me section and I realized I still haven't tried drugs or smoking, or chased people for sex, or gotten a speeding ticket, or stolen anything. I've never gotten so drunk I've done anything I've regretted. I'm more likely to meet someone through friends or in class than in a bar or online. I tell the truth most of the time---I hate lying. I try to eat healthy and balanced. I try to exercise. I don't cheat. I don't litter. I do recycle. I'm more likely to do the "correct" thing than the convenient thing.
I was telling a friend the other day that I'm probably the most straight-arrow person in our group of friends. Some how I find that amazing that I've lived on this planet for over three decades and I'm still pretty much the same in this regard. My brother, in contrast, is almost the complete opposite of the above. And to think we both came from the same parents.
Technorati tags: sobriety, transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2005.08.05:
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My new fav brand of orange juice is Naked Just OJ. This stuff tastes so much better than most of the other juices out there. Try it! (No, I'm not paid to say this.)
While we're on the topic of food, all friends totally make fun of the fact I actually do drink Ensure once in a while. Yes, that old-person dietary supplement. Well, IMNSHO, I think it's probably one of the tastiest dietary supplements out there. I know there's other drink mixes and other shakes out there, but Ensure is consistently pretty good. Plus their new bottle is so portable it goes just about anywhere with me. I first got introduced to it when I had my wisdom teeth pulled in high school. Then after my trach they recommended it and the doctors were hesitant to recommend it---they were a bit surprised when I was like "oh, yeah, that? I use that all the time." And, no, I wasn't raiding Grandma's cupboards. hhehe... So there, not a bad thing.
Technorati tags: Naked Just OJ, Ensure, dietary supplements, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.08.06:
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Why, oh why, do people continue to get silicone injections? I mean, c'mon, I thought everyone knows about how dangerous this is. Silicone isn't like collagen or botox, no it's a foreign substance that your body just doesn't want. It moves around your body. It hardens in a few years. It is usually impure. It may cause allergic reactions immediately. It may cause muscle/skin/tissue tearing. It will cause all sorts of chronic health problems later. And you have a pretty good chance of dying from it. But, I guess if you do have a death wish then...
You want to see something more scary than awfulplasticsurgery.com? Go and see Andrea James' web page with plenty examples of silicone disasters. These are real stories of people who now look like they're wearing plastic masks, have immune system failures, developed cancer, difficulty breathing, DIED, developed weird bumps and pockmarks, have open abscesses (as in open, pussy, bleeding wounds that never heal), joint pain, and so on. Dallas Denny also has an article on this bad stuff. Gee, there is a reason why legitimate doctors don't administer this stuff.
I did a bunch of Googling to find out anything positive. I came across volumes of people claiming that medical-grade silicone oil was OK and legal and in microdroplets builds tissue yada yada yada. But alongside those search hits were dozens of articles about the deaths and disfigurement of people who went to "pumping parties". Let's see...a bunch of "doctors" saying it's OK to pump...hundreds of people dying from it. Duh. I think the message is clear.
Bottom line: spread the world. SILICONE INJECTIONS SUCK.
Good. Now we return you to your regularly scheduled program...
Technorati tags: silicone, silicone injections,, beauty, surgery, Andrea James, Dallas Denny, disfigurement, death, pumping parties, Got Pummped, dimetylpolysiloxane, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.08.07:
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The Thinkpad I use at work really is starting to annoy me. It has a button for "previous page" and "forward page" right next to the arrow keys. So as I'm typing out e-mail or forms on the web I sometimes inadvertently hit one of those two keys and poof! all my typing gets reset when I come back to the form page. Argh! I don't think there's a way to turn those keys off either.
...
I've been playing the new DDR Extreme for the PS2. Yes, it's more of the same. Actually, the menu system on it seems to have gone back to the old DDR Konamix style that was on the PS1 version. Personally, I think it just makes the song selector look tacky. Maybe the programmers thought the big spinning wheel of songs was too hard for other people to navigate?
Technorati tags: Thinkpad, DDR Extreme, DDR Konamix, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2005.08.08:
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Thank you Dr. Toby Meltzer. Thank you for performing your art and helping me mold my body into something I can live with.
I went swimming today with some friends out in a bay north of San Francisco. We found this little alcove that was pretty much left to ourselves. When we got to the water's edge we all tossed off our jackets and jumped into the waiting water. This was the first time I'd actually used my new swimsuit.
Sure, we had gone to a waterpark earlier in the summer, but that was using a bikini. This was a swimsuit instead. And, doggone it, it fits.
I can still remember all those old days pre-op where I was so worried about having "appendages" showing where they shouldn't. I was embarrassed about my body and I hid it as best I could, not trying to give off any hint of the fears I held inside. But now it's like a source of freedom.
I know it sounds sorta superficial, but I don't have to worry about clothing anymore. Things fit. Things look just about right. Things aren't perfect, but they're pretty darned good.
Technorati tags: SRS, Dr. Toby Meltzer, vaginoplasty, swimming, transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.08.09:
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I'm pretty chuffed right now. I've managed to clean up so many mailboxes, incluing this account. I never thought I'd get back to being able to whittle my way down to 0 unread messages, but I guess that happened finally. When you think about it, keeping up with all that incoming flow of information on TV, radio, e-mail, RSS, Blackberries, and cell phones is really time-consuming. Whatever would we do with our free time if we suddenly shut down all these devices?
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.08.10:
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So I've been using the method shower product for probably about a month now and I have to say it isn't quite that great. They to mist wet surfaces and that it removes soap scum. Yeah, I guess it does that. But I also have these really big glass doors in my shower and it leaves streaks all over them. Really. So, I guess I'm going back to Tilex or the other after-shower mists. (Which, after about 3 uses, Tilex cleaned up most of the problems I experienced with method.)
Technorati tags: method cleaners, transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2005.08.11:
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I can't believe I haven't unlocked all the songs and modes on DDRMAX---yes the version that came out like 3 years ago. I guess there must have been a time when I didn't play DDR enough and probably went to DDRMAX2. (I have this silly little goal of unlocking at least all the songs on the game and completing at least the Standard modes before starting a new DDR game.
) Ah, there is much work to be
done......
Amazing. I did a search on on "MTF" at QueerFilter and like 1 blog came back. If you have a MTF blog, maybe you can add yours too?
Technorati tags: DDR, QueerFilter, MTF, transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2005.08.12:
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So there are a whole host of little improvements I've been doing to the backend of this site, not that you would really notice or care probably. But since I started reading up on the RSS 2.0 spec, RSS aggregators, and Technorati tags I figured I'd upgrade the scripts that munge all the blog data together. I hope I did it right so that all the RSS entries now have the extra fields and generate some Technorati links. (The blog source files are actually semi-XML stuff.) One of these days I'll probably do another code change to support podcasting as well as really look into XML-izing the entire site.
...
While we're on techy info, if you register a domain you most likely had to submit some kind of personal info. If you do a WHOIS search you're also quite likely to pull up that info too. May I suggest that you 1) get a P.O. box and 2) update your domain info to point to that? Otherwise you're probably going to get a lot more than snail mail spam...
Technorati tags: RSS 2.0, RSS, RSS aggregator, Technorati, tags, XML, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.08.13:
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It's funny how ungirly so many of my girl friends are these days. A number carry wallets and refuse to do anything with their hair. They wear boring (but comfy) clothes. They spend a lot of time doing video games or other techy/nerdy stuff. What's up with that?
I remember when I was growing up that I thought there wasn't that much difference between boys and girls and I could never really understand the division between the two. I mean, the two sexes are more similar than dissimilar, IMO.
I think what just may be the deciding factor is testosterone.
Like, even though we all
have similar feelings rather it's the amount of
intensity of those feelings that sort of separates us.
It's almost as if most men have so much pent up anger and
energy from testosterone that they have to let it out in a
more physical way than women. On the other hand, since women
don't usually have all that bursting rage going on, they can
actually slow down to talk about it and not get too bored with
it. Hm. Maybe that's one of the keys to understanding the
gender divide...
Technorati tags: gender divide, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.08.14:
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"What do you mean you don't want to go shopping?!" Someone had asked me that recently. "But you used to be shopping all the time?" Guilty as charged. Almost everytime I set foot in a mall I'd run into at least one thing I'd probably buy or seriously consider buying. It was getting kinda bad. If I kept up at the previous rate I could almost imagine myself one day showing up in one of those nondescript meeting rooms announcing, "hi, my name is Amber, and I'm a shopaholic." (And of course the chorus would retort, "hi, Amberrr...")
The shopping craze was definitely in effect up until just a few months ago. I think it was mainly my way of instinctively rebuilding my wardrobe. And, doggone it, I did. And then some.
I've been sifting through piles (literally piles) of clothing wondering what to give away. I have no more Boy Clothes left to donate---the last batch went out maybe a couple months ago---and so now I'm starting to donate Girl Clothes. I have pretty much run out of room to store everything. At my last house I had a new closet installed and I almost broke it with the weight of all the clothes on it. I had to build a rack under the clothes bars to support the load otherwise it would have pulled right out of the studs. I'm still running into a similar problem today. The difference is that I only hang what absolutely needs to be hung and the rest get neatly folded and put on spare shelves.
So, when the friend asked me about going shopping, she naturally was surprised that I was sort of ceasing my 3-year buying streak. (Pretty much ever since 1 year prior to transition I really started adding to my wardrobe.) I complain about my lack of storage space (which is true). But there are also economics involved. I started noticing how expensive it was.
Prior to transitioning I don't believe I ever paid more than $35 for a pair of jeans. Nowadays, I'm not surprised to drop $75. I used to buy a lot of T-shirts. Today I have all sorts of fabrics, a good number that require dry cleaning. Oh, and let's not forget the added dimension of styling to the product---which may require buying very similar things. Long jeans, flare jeans, normal, cropped jeans. 3" shorts, 6" shorts. Thigh skirts, knee skirts, long skirts. A-line, bias, pencil. Baggy, normal, fitted. Back clasp, front clasp, convertible, strapless. V-neck, cowl, scoop, boat, halter. Denim, washed, ripped, acid treated. Brief, boyshort, bikini, high-waist, seamless, thong. One piece, two piece, two with sarong. Don't even get me started on color. Or accessories.
I know that if I had another $10K burning a hole in my theoretical pocket I'd still go out and get all the stuff that I've been meaning to get for a while. I'd love a good trench coat, a better leather jacket, a couple types of boots (in brown and black), new sneakers, a bunch of skirts, ... *sigh* And all of this is also assuming I don't gain too much weight---I'm thinking of moving up a size in jeans/pants but I'm resisting it. There are so may delicious options out there it is almost hard to not want for more. Alas, there is only finite space and finite money. Maybe that's another Good Thing™?
So money. Yes, I need to save money. Especially after 3 surgeries it sort of drains the piggy bank pretty low. And I still have a car to support. I believe in not using credit unless you have to, or you absolutely know you can pay off the balance. I hate owing people money. I hate interest more. Somehow I almost feel that starting with my generation that people really don't save money in banks anymore---they throw it all into "investments".
Technorati tags: shopping, clothes, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2005.08.15:
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I went scanning around my computer with a virus scanner and I didn't find any files. But, holy crap, I found 45,946 files in my Windows directory alone. Granted a number of those files are drivers, but still how can an operating system have so many files? I swear! If I wrote an operating system it probably would only have a fraction as many.
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.08.16:
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It's always refreshing to talk to your GG friends about sex from a GG's point of view. I guess it's one of those little things that affirms to me that I am really starting to grow into my body (and my mind). I guess it makes me feel ... normal?
I'm still always comparing myself to other women. I always wonder if I measure up. If I look and act normal. As if "being myself" isn't good enough. I mean, I know that's not the right tack I should be taking, but that's just how I think right now. Claire wrote not too long ago about how she was starting to do things a lot more subconsciously. At this point I am no longer really checking my own actions as I'm doing them, but rather it's usually sometime later in the day I'll think back: gee, was what I was doing odd for a GG? The stupid Comparison Engine (C.E.) kicks in.
I wonder if I'll ever be free of it? All the little affirmations help build my confidence that the C.E. isn't required anymore.
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.08.17:
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Hm. Funny. I've been rereading some of these blog pages (mainly to check to see if my scripts are working OK) and something struck me: the way I write is so not the way I talk in real life. Well, most of the time. I think it is the case that when I'm actually sitting down to write something it puts me in a certain frame mind where I feel I have to basically expound everything. You know, big words, complex phrasing, punctuation. That sort of thing. Then I realized something also that I think in the last few months the tone of voice in writing changed more towards the colloquial. I don't know. Maybe it's actually more of a sign of where I am in my life. Like way back when ... (OK start your time machines now and let's go back a few years...)
When I figuring out my feelings and my transition roadmap I was trying to be a bit more insighful I guess. I was unearthing those locked away feelings and thoughts and trying to reassemble them in some sort of manner I could analyze. I'm a kind of person who likes to lay out all the bits of info on a big board and step back. It's usually the case that a trend or recurring pattern comes out of that and that to me is the "big picture". It served its purpose well. So there was a lot of that deep digging going on and I was grasping for the words to really explain what was going on. Then I guess more recently because I've been kinda doing a lot more social stuff I don't need to go to that place in my head anymore. I've put down the Analytical Knife because I don't need to examine anymore. I just sort of am. In the here and now. I'm building my new past.
I guess this is a real roundabout way of saying I think my writing is evolving into something that is more representative of the way I interact. As if you were an old friend sitting across from me in a Starbucks somewhere. And we're just shooting the sh--. Funny how that is.
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2005.08.18:
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I was thinking back a little more about how hard it is to keep your personal information private these days. Electronic systems have tied all the information together and advanced search engines now make it astonishingly easy for anyone to become a private eye. If you know just a little about a person to seed your searches you can quickly get names, addresses, phone numbers, employment histories, etc... Scary stuff. I'm not writing this to make you paranoid, but the reality is that while most people are kind-hearted and only slightly deviant, the real rascals out there can pretty much track you down to your daily movements.
So, what's my advice for keeping the stealth shield up? (And this isn't just for T* people, this goes for everyone in general.)
- Never put up a web page with your real name on it. If you have to, use initials.
- Never put up any web page with other information like phone numbers, addresses, e-mail addresses, etc. Especially information that doesn't change a whole lot.
- If you do happen to put up a web page, keep everything vague.
- Never ever ever put up a picture of yourself unless you have to.
- Use "free" e-mail addresses when possible for non-essential things like signing up for e-mail newsletters, electronic greeting card logins, shopping lists, social clubs. Save your real e-mail address for the important stuff like banks, friends, family.
- Don't post on a message board with your real name. Ever. Don't give personally-identifying information either.
Technorati tags: stealth, full-time, privacy, transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2005.08.19:
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A fictional stockmarket for blogs? No way. But, really, I found a hit from BlogShares which states:
BlogShares is a fantasy stock market where weblogs are the companies. Players invest fictional dollars on shares in blogs. Blogs are valued by their incoming links and add value to other blogs by linking to them. Prices can go up or down based on trading and the underlying value of the blog. No actual ownership of blogs is transfered. BlogShares is purely a fictional marketplace.Huh. B$. If only I could coin Amberspace money (A$) and make a bazillion off of that.
Technorati tags: BlogShares, B$, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.08.20:
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So there I was eating my Taco Bell (a.k.a. Taco Hell, a.k.a. Meat-Worse-Than-Dogmeat) at work and I was about to rip into another hot sauce packet when I spied the message on it:
"I'm a hot T, r u 2?"
...
Speaking of food news...Hersheys buys Scharffen Berger. No! Say it ain't so!
If it ever gets too commercialized
I guess I'll have to stick with Valrhona...
Technorati tags: Taco Bell, Taco Hell, salsa, Hersheys, Scharffenberger, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.08.21:
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You know you're addicted to spices when you go to try to find your bottle of nanami togarashi (a Japanese spice mix) and you don't see it on your spice turntable and you almost have a panic attack! Fortunately, I found it had just rolled off the back and was lying in the base of the cupboard. Whew!
In a related story, when you have a backup bottle of your favorite sauce then you know you're really addicted!
Technorati tags: spices, nanami togarashi, shichimi togarashi, sriracha, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2005.08.27:
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Oops. It would appear that we've had a technical hiccup around here. But thanks to Sianna we've been able to relocate to crystallinephoenixgroup.com. Please update your links, return your seat back to its upright position, and extinguish all open fires before continuing. Thank you.
This site's new address is:
http://www.crystallinephoenixgroup.com/users/amber
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2005.08.28:
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I guess I've been staying up too much. I've been up at various concerts in the City multiple days in a row, and because I have to get up at a reasonable time for work I have sacrificed sleep. I really need to live closer to the City if I'm going to keep doing this. I spend so much time driving around. The only upside to being stuck in my car so often is that I get to listen to a lot of music...
Technorati tags: traffic, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2005.08.29:
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Recently had a Girl's Night out with some friends. We went to this little blues bar for starters. The food was so-so, probably because they are renovating the kitchen. (The menu is quite limited now.) So we hopped to a lounge a block away. It would have been good but there was literally no where to sit. Plus, drinks were like $12 apiece. Gah! So expensive. We ended up at this place atop a nice hotel. The music was much more low-key and it was a live band. People were swing dancing in the center of the room, the three of us just sat off to the side sipping down our drinks and talking. It was the perfect way to cap off a very stressful week.
I feel really lucky that these girls have sort of taken me in as part of the gang. Yes, they are fully aware of my status, but we never talk about it. It's like it doesn't exist. In fact, I really only got to know them recently---it was a couple years ago I showed up at a holiday party in Girl Mode without explanation and I just kinda stuck that way. They're awesome people.
It really helps to have a lot of "normal" friends because you focus on the bigger issues of life and you laugh a lot more. I find that sometimes if you get in a room full of people with similar "problems" that somehow that becomes the main topic. And that is just kind of depressing, you know?
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Tuesday, 2005.08.30:
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Do you ever get the feeling that all the good TG/TS sites out there are disappearing? Claire pretty much left her site, Reise is MIA, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder are only giving monthly updates---Amy is also down to monthly stuff. Who's next?
As Kara had written, Authentikate just went bye-bye this month. I remember when I first was starting out how her site was such of an inspiration of sorts. I guess it was the can-do attitude in the face of varying challenges, plus a little vicarious mischief. Even though there were things I didn't agree with, I guess it was the idea that someone can make it all work was really helpful. Especially someone in my peer group. (Hey, you have remember "way back then" there weren't all that many 20-somethings posting. I can only remember like 5.)
I don't even know how long this site will last. Probably until I feel I don't have much else to offer. And then it too will fall into slow decay. I guess we all move on at some point.
Technorati tags: Authentikate, transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2005.08.31:
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This Sunday a good friend left my place after staying about a week. We basically had a week-and-a-half vacation out here and did all sorts of things. The two of us were having a great time focusing on having fun on the beach or eating chocolate at Ghirardelli Square. A lot happened during that time, too, including this site going down quite ungracefully without any prior notice. And somehow it didn't bother me that much.
In the absence of having a T* site I started thinking whether or not I should use this as a cheap opportunity to bow out of having a T* site. After all, I'm not really saying anything new or interesting and I don't really keep up with Community affairs. At the same time, I know a lot of people use this as a general resource for the transgendered and transsexual community. But I can't keep up this site and the umpteen others that I'm running at the moment.
So. I have to make a decision.
And I guess it's my turn.
I'll be taking an extended vacation for a while. This site will still remain up in the meantime. I do have a more planned updates to do in the future when I get some more time to do them. So until then, happy web surfing!
/Amber/
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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