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Other recommended blogs: Amy, Calpernia, Claire, Gwen, Kara, Reise, W3bgrl-Auntie Solder.
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Wednesday, 2006.03.01:
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What is it with guys. No, I mean really. They have to puff up their chests to seem all important when they're really just dorks.
I was in this small computer store today and I had a networking question. So I go up to the main guy sitting at the desk and I start out that I have a problem with my home networking. He proceeds to instruct me on how my network should be set up---he didn't even let me get to my question. He professed great knowledge of how to set up home networks. Then he went on to saying "oh and I run this ISP that serves 9,000 accounts" and he proceeds to log into his network remotely and starts trying to show me his Unix sk1llz. He droned on for minutes about how great he thought he was. And when one of the other store clerks tried to get his attention he wouldn't even give them the time of day. He even had the gall to turn around and say, "but man, she's hot!" Right about there I wanted to strangle him. Not only had he still not answered my question but I also noticed he's married.
Finally he had to go off and do something for a minute; one of his colleagues walked over. That colleague looked at the sheet of paper I had with my diagrams on it and in like 1 minute he said, "oh you need to set the gateway to this and turn off DHCP." Oh. Thank. You. An answer w/out B.S.
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2006.03.02:
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So I dared onto MySpace today. I knew what it was but I've never really spent any length of time on it. I looked around and realized ... boy is this tacky. I mean, it's worse than the old Geocities web pages with the animated GIF backgrounds and MIDI music. No, MySpace takes ugly to a new level. Some people's pages have 2 videos that play simultaneously over the page's theme song. Then there's the "MySpace angles". OMG.
I didn't realize that MySpace had a school affiliation field though. So I did what anyone else would do---look up who went to highschool with me.
All I can say there is
most guys have goatees and are balding, the girls all seem to have way
too much makeup or way too much waistline realestate. It's funny how people
change. (And, no, before you ask, I'm not listing my highschool on there.)
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Friday, 2006.03.03:
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My jaws really hurt. I mean really. Not when I'm not doing anything but when I'm chewing. I guess it's because the muscles are really deeply bruised. It's like I have no chewing strength. I guess it's a good thing I have a high tolerance for pain.
I guess in other FFS news, the stitches are falling out. It's actually pretty annoying. While chewing or while just searching my mouth with my tongue I've found pieces of the stitches.
These past two weeks are rapidly coming to an end and I'm pretty sad about that. I have been on vacation since about the middle of February and in that time I've had a lot of time to think about things. What I want to do, where I want to go, how I want to do it. I used to have my life all planned out and now I'm really sort of wandering around the map semi-aimlessly. I don't know what the future holds but I sense that it can only get more hectic from here. Stay tuned!
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2006.03.04:
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Once in a while I hop over to Jay Sennett's blog. Recently he posted something on dressing, and I know he's talking about dress clothing (e.g. smart business, preppy casual, etc.) but I couldn't resist throwing in my two cents about men's fashion:
I saw your statement:
"Men don't come out of the womb knowing how to dress. They learn about fashion over time."
Really now.
As an MTF, back in my days as a boy/guy that statement really meant nothing to me. If I hadn't transitioned, it probably still wouldn't matter. The general rule was: if it fit then that's all that mattered. I didn't care what fabric I wore (boring), what cut it was (boring), who made it (boring too), sneakers or dress shoes (boring), etc. I don't think I dressed like a slob but I seriously don't think I gave fashion more than maybe 5-minutes thought a week. Most of my guy friends were pretty much the same way. The only time we ever truly thought about fashion was either 1) because we had a wedding to go to or 2) our girlfriends complained. If you thought about clothing too much or wore any kind of jewelry everyone wondered if you were gay. Actually the entire essense of dressing like a guy really can be summed up: don't look gay.
Being a guy is 99% attitude, IMO. If you want to hide certain body features, just go with loose clothing. I'm not a tall person---5'4". In guy's clothes I usually wore Medium shirts, 30/30 jeans, and size 8 shoes. It's funny, as a girl now I wear women's Small and size 2 bottoms and size 8.5 shoes---think about the shrinkage between the gender sizes! If you have hips, and actually a lot of guys do, just don't get something that hugs your butt tight. Cargo pants are meant to be baggy. And wear two T- shirts. And no waist-hugging blazers. Oh, and don't button your coat unless you have to. :)
It's funny being now on the other side of the fence. I *do* actually appreciate guys that give some thought to their appearance. But when I'm looking for guys now I don't want them to look like they just stepped out of a sci-fi convention---baggy very well-washed T-shirts and tennis shoes. But if they have any amount of bling on them my first thought is "are they gay"?
Technorati tags: transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2006.03.05:
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So I'm dashing like mad to dry my nails. One thick coat. 5 minutes of hairdryer on "low". I know there's a couple nails where bubbles have formed but I don't care. The point was to cover the nails so they don't look like crap. I was also hopping around with one pants leg in and one leg out as I'm trying to put on my Express X2 jeans. Finally, I get the second coat dry enough to pass muster and I'm out the door. I found myself running a half block to get down to the bus just before it got to the stop and then I realized, damn! I forgot the lipstick! Too late now otherwise I miss the bus! I was already fashionably late by about 10 minutes so I didn't want to risk another delay. So I stepped onto the bus...
I should have guessed what was going to happen but I went anyways. I had gone to dinner with a colleague who happens to live in the city as well, and not far from me either. He's gay but doesn't seem all that gay on the surface. But you talk to him for like 2 minutes and you know the score. So, anyways, we were down in the Castro (the gay section of town) having dinner when he asks, "are you doing anything tonight?" Well of course I thought I was going to go home and build a cold fusion reactor, and after that enjoy some liquid nitrogen gelato, but other than that I had lots of free time. So I told him I didn't really have plans and he said there was this bar he wanted to go to. I figured it was a gay bar, but I was hoping for a club with maybe some lipstick lesbians or something in it. (While I'm mostly straight, I always say that I'm an "equal opportunity mate".) So we went to this gay bar...
Well, actually, first we went to another bar to pick up his friend who is much more openly gay than he. We split a few beers then we're off to the real gay club. We sit around drinking and talking because at 10:00p the club was pretty empty and lame. By about 11:30p the scene was much better. And by 1:00a the joint was pretty bumpin'. Of course it was filled with lots of gay men. While that didn't quite bother me, as I told my colleague on the cab ride back home, "it's funny that if you're too much of a tranny that even gay men won't dance with you." Everyone pretty much ignored me all night, except for one creepy guy who tongued my left ear. Um, I think I'll be washing that now.
I kinda expected not to get any attention. Here I was with painted nails, heels, tight jeans, lacy top, earrings, etc. The rest of they guys basically wore beards and no shirts. Yeah, it was definitely a "bears" night. (My colleague said there might be a section of "twinkies" around, but that didn't materialize.) So here my gay bear colleague and I were dancing together (sorta) in the midst of shirtless bear men and feeling pretty isolated. My colleague wasn't getting any hookups either, so I guess he was feeling the need to splitsky out of there too.
Ah, the travails of dating. I don't know what to do some days. Even when I'm not at gay clubs (which, really, I don't do) I don't necessarily get what I'm looking for. My other friends tell me I should be one of those sought-after bachellorettes. I guess it's a tough market. I certainly don't have the body to compete with the busty early 20-year-olds. Oh well.
It'll be sad if my colleague moves out of the area. We had a brief but significant chat in the cab home. He's looking for a sort of guy, and I agree he may not be able to find that person here in the City. Well, maybe he can, but I don't think he frequents the right social circles for that.
I did happen to run into my ex-boyfriend recently too. I kind of expected him to show up at this one event. I didn't really make an effort to say "hi", he just walked up, tapped me on the shoulder, and hugged me. I have to say I missed his embrace.
But, I have to let him go. He's still the same, doing the same ol'
crap that led us to the breakup in the first place. Maybe we're better.
off being friends anyways. I hope we can.Anyways, I'm in the middle of making pasta while floating on the effects of a mild buzz. (Apparently I can still cook and blog whilst drunk.) Since my thong underwear and I didn't get any satisfaction tonight I'm hoping the pasta plus a little mindless TV will be a good substitute. Raise a glass to my pathetic love life.
Technorati tags: clubbing, dancing, transsexual,, MTF.
Monday, 2006.03.06:
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I've been having a prolonged conversation with a MTF friend about the world of dating and why I'm semi-stealth. My basic argument is that there are two levels of passing: first there's just getting by and people not knowing, second is actually being attractive and sought-after. Here are some excerpts from the mail that has been flying by... (Notes: I'm early 30s; she already has 2 teenage kids and a long-time partner.)
Me: Can you imagine that if you were stealth how difficult it might be to relaunch your life? Imagine rebuilding your friendships, never being able to talk about trans stuff, and having to meet people as you. It's daunting at the very least and it tests every bit of mettle you have...
Her: What I can tell you is total stealth does not work. It is not any different than when a trannie was pre-transition. I'm sure you have heard of, "the other closet." Friends who are 20+ years post transition and post-op all have told me the most difficult times in there lives were living totally stealth. The stress was enormous and in time, far too great a burden, so they reconnected with other T* folks.
Well, when you've faced rejection like I have you might begin to reconsider. I think of myself not as total stealth but socially stealth. The fact is that in the target population I live in acceptance is growing but you have to be highly selective. I do live in the other closet because that's what gets me through.
A good part of what makes women desirable to men is their perceived fertility.
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Sex appeal like beauty also comes from within, not just the physical package. IMO, sex plays a greater role in bonding within relationships more than pro-creation.
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Fact is, many relationships and marriages fail for the simple reason that the couple is first physically, sexually attracted to each other with less regard to the things they share and once the physical fling is gone, they lose interest in each other. Both are part of a health relationship.
As you say, women are judged by their appearance and sex appeal and you're right it's emotional warfare. Me and the rest of the girls in this City are vying for a small pool of eligible bachellors. We fluff our hair, paint our nails, show off a little cleavage, shed pounds in the gym, and all in an effort to become desirable. I don't think of us as passively seeking mates, but the game we play is that we are more often the target of the hunt than the hunters.
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And please don't get me wrong. My life isn't all about finding a man and tying him down. But it's an important aspect of it. Here my brains and my accolades don't mean much. I can't claw my way to victory, I have to just be in the right place at the right time and sell myself in the proper fashion.
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And while that is true, it's one level just to "pass" in society. It's another level to "be attractive" in society. That's where I'm going. That's why I worry about vanity. I Could certainly do my thing and just exist but I want more than that.
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Ask yourself if you were in my position what would you do to become socially active, to be one people say "I want to talk to her", to be treasured for who you are? How often have you been approached by people? When was the last time you tried to give someone else "the eye"?
It's sad, but you might find most men of your age look for similar things.
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The one's who are more desirable in this regard, are usually taken.
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My co worker who also got a [Breast Augmentation] last year told me before my BA that post BA I could be a serious man magnet due to my ... long hair, long legs, ... and big boobies. I got to agree, she is correct. Yes, it's one thing to pass, but when you are physically attractive, smart, and friendly and spiritually well, it makes you quite attractive to both men and women.
Technorati tags: dating, transsexual,, MTF.
Wednesday, 2006.03.08:
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I saw my new female health specialist again today. We're going to try playing with the hormone delivery. While the topical gel I've been using is quite good, the problem is that it's topical and too bothers my sensitive skin sometimes. So we're trying Femtrace 1.8mg tablets. She says these are a bit more powerful than other tablets so each is pretty much equivalent to a 2.0mg dose. We'll see how I feel when I ramp up on it. But, ohmigosh, these things are tiny, maybe 4mm across...
Technorati tags: HRT, transsexual,, MTF.
Thursday, 2006.03.09:
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I ran into this guy the other day. He said his name's Thad and he's pretty good looking. I'm going to guess he's around my age. I don't know but when I saw him it was like time slowed down... We talked for a while. I found out some things about him but we didn't really trade phone numbers. Hopefully I'll run into him again...
I become a nervous wreck when it comes to dating. It's not that I'm not sure of my sexuality. No, I'm fairly certain of it. But, I always am afraid that I'm not going to be able to perform. As good as surgery techniques are today, I still can tell the difference. I don't lubricate naturally, I don't have a labia minora, and it is near impossible for me to orgasm via vaginal stimulation---difficult by manual clitoral stimulation too but possible. I worry that when the time comes to be more intimate that my body won't behave properly.
I guess if you've been following the blog you know I did have a boyfriend for a few months in recent times, and we did have sex. It was fun, true. But it wasn't all that. Sometimes it was a bit awkward too. I guess that experience reiterated to me that what I really have is the fanciest hole money can buy. My surgeon did an excellent job and he is to be commended for that. Still, my body isn't the same as my GG friends and I find lots of reminders of that.
Technorati tags: dating, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2006.03.11:
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This will be Day 4 of using the new HRT medication. So far things seem to be fairly normal around here. What is interesting is that my old HRT regimen was dispensed in a gel of sorts that I used to rub onto forearms, abdomen, and thighs. That carried one big negative (aside from the fact you need to let it dry for about 15 minutes): it irritated my skin.
I swear, I have uber-sensitive skin. Nickel ... bzzzzt! ... I break out in rashes in about 2 hours. Changes in weather ... bzzzt ... immediate dry skin and a persistent itch pretty much all over. And HRT ... bzzz!! ... anything applied or stuck on my skin for more than a couple of hours begins an endless mental exercise of try-not-to-scratch.
But for all the negatives, the gel had a nice property: since it soaks into the skin I can skip a dose when I went to see my boyfriend so it wouldn't rub off on him. I'm now on pills, the Femtrace, so if I miss a dose I'd likely feel the effects much quicker. We'll see. You know, it is only Day 4 so there's still hormone in my skin cells probably, although not much. The pills I'm also using as a lower dose---I'm effectively taking half as much HRT as before.
My doc and I are going to experiment and figure out what works for me. I have a feeling I'll be taking an equivalent dose as before eventually because the pills probably don't have the same absorbtion as the gel.
But this brings me to the way my new specialist works. She is open to suggestion and experimentation whereas my old one was not. Now, to my old endocrinologist's credit, I did consider her to be one of the best. I just had hoped for a little more leeway---I think she was running trials with us and the medication so if we all kept moving around it would skew the results. My current specialist likes to experiment and that at least makes me feel better.
I had actually considered changing specialists a while back but I kept on with the regimen mainly because there was so much going on in my life that I didn't want extra things to worry about. And the HRT was working.
Technorati tags: HRT, stealth, friends, transsexual,, MTF.
Saturday, 2006.03.18:
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I guess one of the benefits of never reverting back to the old Guy Voice is that I'm less afraid that I'll slip up if I'm really drunk. (No, it is not my mission to bar hop every night.) I don't think I've ever reverted back since I went fulltime in May '03, except for a couple days to record some things for the voice section. Nowadays, I can't remember how I used to sound and I have to listen to the voice page to remind me. I still have my "bad" voice days off and on, but it happens so much less now...
Why the concern, why this topic? I think it's because I am attempting to live semi-stealth and I really don't want anything to upset the carefully-constructed public persona I've come to embody. This is not like the old facade I used to wear many years ago, this is more like a refinement of who I am for the public eye. And of course there are trans concerns (body shape, voice, surgically-created vagina), but I find ways to minimize them. I'm really trying hard to just be me and have people only see that part...
Technorati tags: alcohol, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2006.03.19:
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What a difference it makes to be on patches or topical gels! Oh my gosh, I actually have mood swings now. I've noticed that when I skip my oral meds that about 12 hours later I start getting a lot more emotional. I mean, I'm still in control but it's that little voice in my head which says whoa, girl! What are you getting so upset about? Hey, did you remember to take your meds? Last week my boss did something really stupid and I really got up in his face and basically ripped him a new one. To my boss. Hahaha...! Granted he deserved it, but maybe I should have remembered to take my 'mones that morning.
I think it's funny because I have always been on patches since Day 1 of HRT. It really does keep you on an even keel. So, I guess my advice is that if you feel yourself becoming overly emotional a lot of the time, you might want to consider switching to patches. As for me, I guess what this means is I'll have to be more careful about how I carry the pills and when I take them.
Technorati tags: HRT, transsexual,, MTF.
Sunday, 2006.03.26:
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I've been spending way too much time with the bottle lately. Or rather bottles, plural. Since last week I guess I've just been out a lot or around people who like to drink.
I think Monday my roomies and I uncorked one of my zinfandels---which turned out to be pretty tasty. (Between Monday and Friday I didn't really have much to drink, but I was having a lot of coffee.) Friday I think I took down most of a 750mL due to a waitress which kept refilling my glass. Saturday lunchtime I had Japanese and paired that with some nigori sake. Saturday evening I went to a dinner party where a rockin' chardonnay was opened followed by a plum/fig/pear-y port. Thank goodness I haven't really driven that much this weekend!
You're probably wondering why I'm bringing up my budding drinking problem.
That's because I want to talk about smells.The unpleasant topic of smells. Specifically, the smell of one's urine.
Don't worry, this is going somewhere. Now that I'm on oral meds I actually have been paying a lot more attention to my body to see how it's reacting to things and I think smells are an excellent way to tell what's going on. I've noticed that since beginning my new oral meds on Monday that I'm affected by alcohol and coffee more. I think my body is working a lot harder to process both the hormones and the drinks. And I've noticed the urine smell changing and not exactly in a good way.
I think I'm going to have to start drinking a lot more water. I think my body needs the "flushing". (Besides water is good for you.) Let me state that I hate the taste and feel of water. I don't know, it just isn't something I enjoy. However, in the past week and a bit I've found I actually crave water. How weird!
Anyways, the bottom line is that paying attention to your body is a good thing. Don't rely on the doctors and their infrequent testing to tell you want's going on.
In other news, my face has almost healed up. Granted, I was really only swollen for about a week and a half after surgery, but now I feel pretty normal. The incision lines in my mouth are still pretty prominent, but they feel to be healed up. The bad thing is that they are trapping all sorts of nasty food bits still. (You would not believe how much Triscuit can get jammed down there. Ewwww!!!!) However, I'm massaging those areas and hoping the ridges will go down a little. Else, I'm going to have have to explain to my dates why I frequently take a sip of a water and swish. Ew...
Technorati tags: HRT, drinking, alcohol, transsexual,, MTF.
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Entries may show the mood for the day. From best to worst moods here's the list:
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Ecstatic -
Happy -
Good -
OK -
Blech -
Sad -
Abysmal
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