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coming out |
Coming out, the process of disclosure, is perhaps the most gut-wrenching thing you'll ever do. It's one thing to face yourself and say "I'm going to fix this" but it's a much harder task to approach the people you love and care about to tell them your intentions. What many have found is that people's reactions are not often what you think them to be. When you bare your soul they may be supportive, maybe outright reject you, reject you but come to support you, or support you and then turn their backs later. The results are so unpredictable that I'm almost of the opinion that you should try to expect the worst and if you get something better then you're lucky.
So here are a bunch of scenarios where you might come out and what happened in my case. A few notes first:
- Try to pick a quiet time.
- Try to get them alone in privacy.
- If they begin to speak, stop and listen to them. Don't try to pick an argument---save that battle for later.
- Speak slowly, calmly, quietly as you would to put a child to sleep.
- Use pause words (e.g. "um", "ah", "well") to control the pace of the conversation and to allow for breathing time between thoughts. It gives them time to think as well.
- If the person becomes aggravated, try to maintain your composure and continue speaking softly. You can try to diffuse their emotions by being calm.
- If they do have questions, do your best to answer them.
- Play on the emotional card. Tell them how much you have been hurting. Tell them that what you're doing is making things better. Tell them you know this is awkward but you need their help.
- Bring information with you but don't pull it out immediately. See how much they can digest before you bombard them. Perhaps you won't use the info at all.
- If you got pictures, save them for later.
- If you're not full-time, show up in normal boy mode so they have something familiar to deal with. (If you are full-time, well, you might want to approach the situation gingerly and see how comfy they are to seeing you in person.)
- Don't feel you need to tell them everything at once. Just start the ball rolling by opening this conversation now. Come back later with more visits or phone calls.
- Try to do interactive things (meeting, phone calls, video conference) rather than e-mail because it's more human.
- Don't seek acceptance. If it's given to you that's a bonus.
- Instead of saying you're transsexual or have gender dysphoria, say you're thinking of getting name change.
Parents & family
I worked on my parents for a while pretty much about the time when I started electrolysis and hadn't done any other body mods. I wanted to let them know and so that they could be part of the process. My intention was to bring them up to speed on the issues so that when the time came for full-time they would be prepared and maybe even supportive. That didn't work out. Instead they mulled about in denial. My Dad outright refused to explore my feelings on the subject and my Mom never quite believed what was happening. Both noted they had watched Oprah or some other programs on TV, but they didn't really do any true research. One of the quotes I will always remember:
"If you come to our house you will come as we remember you."I was talking with Gwen over e-mail in Dec 2003 and said:
> In reading yer blog, there was one commentMy brother, on the other hand, is totally different.
> I had to make.
>
> Things like family photos where you end up
> wearing someone else's clothing happen for
> as long as one allows them to happen. Such
> is the nature of denial.
>
> Still... you've been out to them for... how
> long now?
Hi.
Oh, yeah, I mean my 'rents are so in denial. My Dad doesn't think this is possible—because he's a know-it-all and has done all the research he feels he needed to do. My Mom on the other hand is just using willpower to try to persuade me. But lest either of them develop some sort of real superpowers I doubt they'll change my mind. Neither of them follow my life on a daily basis and they would like to believe I'll follow the normal progression most other kids take: birth, school, job, marriage, kids, grandkids, then kaput.
I've been out to them for about 3 years ago (Oct 2000) and I kept telling them "this is going to happen" but neither of them really took to walking the path with me. It's funny because at that time I hadn't even begun to take hormones; I was just doing electro. So, here we are in 2003 and it's like some big surprise. They still can't believe they're the only group of people that still call me by my birth name. That they are the only place on the planet where I have to cross-dress now—you know, wearing stuff reminiscent of guy's clothing. Denial is strong with my folks.
I've given up trying to persuade them and I'm just going about my life. In fact, even though they say "when we see you we want you to be as we remember you", I've just discarded that statement. I wear what I normally wear now and if they complain I just say, "hey, I'm wearing the least showy of all my clothes." (That's a lie. ^_^) I figure the best way to cut through their denial is to just prove to them that things are working for me as a girl and no one thinks worse of me for that. In fact, I wonder if many people know by looking at/hearing me. (Don't answer that.)
One final thought in this Rambling: I'm not trying to win their approval. I'm moving on. I am hoping that one day they will remove their blinders and we can have a real discussion. I fear it will be years, also quite long after the fact I've had the big surgeries too. As a friend always reminds me: "denial" isn't just a river in Egypt.
I never see my Calvin. He's got a life of his own many miles away from home. I only see him on holidays and the occasional vacation. Plus, we really are two vastly different people with almost nothing in common except that we sorta sound like each other on the phone---that's scary. This has made it difficult for me to tell him. But, some things came up in a conversation on Christmas Day which made me realize that if I don't take action soon then the window of opportunity will pass just as it has many times. I should have told him months ago, but I was still sort of finding my way the last time, Thanksgiving, was a bit dicey. So, we chatted on Christmas Day 2002.
How did it start? Well, earlier in the day the whole family was talking about nothing in particular then marriage came up. My Mom was talking about if Calvin gets married and all that. Calvin made the remark half-jokingly that he was waiting for me to get married first. "Fat chance that happeneing," I remember rattling off. He stopped, looked at me, and asked, "what, are you gay?" Of course I shrugged that off as usual with a pshaw and saying that I needed a girlfriend first; he has had one for a few years.
Before I left the house that evening I went to go say goodbye to Calvin. He stopped his cell phone conversation to talk to me. He told me some real disturbing news about my parents' fragile health. In the moment I saw that things were worse than I had anticipated. I figured Mom might have problems 5+ years from now, but we're looking at a much closer time. Given that, I may have just gone full-time when anything happens. I felt that I had to let him know what's going on in my life, or at least start the conversation.
We talked for about a half hour while my parents were out cold snoring on the family room couch. I told him that I was being affected by GID and that I was making changes in my life right now. I said that I'm in a transition period and that he's missed a lot of things in the past few years. He seemed to be genuinely concerned and said that he's behind me if it makes me happy. He acknowledges that each of us may have to follow our own paths. I don't think he really understands the whole thing right now, but that's OK. I mean, he even asked me if taking antidepressants would help---but I'm not depressed. I'm sure his mind is thinking of different ways to solve the problem. But we'll see. He's a good guy at heart.
I wrote him an e-mail the next day. Some sections of it:
He replied and I sent back to him:
Date: Thursday, December 26, 2002; 1:10p
From: Me
To: Him
Calvin,
...
Also thanks for letting me tell you about something very personal. As I sat and I listened to you tell me about Mom I realized that I was up against a clock---my own biological clock---because I really wanted to begin some dialogue with you while I could see you in person. Unfortunately we only see each other on holidays, and me driving down to _____ is somewhat difficult at the moment. So, I thought I'd seize the opportunity. Telling you on Christmas Day wasn't exactly what I was planning to do, but it was in the moment and as many other people agree: there is no good time to tell people things of this nature.
So, I know it's a lot to digest in one go, so I'm not going to burden you too much with facts and details right now. I would like to fill you in on lots of things that you've missed over the years and maybe some other reasons people in the medical community believe that I speak the truth. You may have heard of transgenders or transsexuals, and there's lots of people who use that label. I hate labels but if you gotta stick one to me then you can apply either one.
What this means is that I am undergoing a medical, legal, and social transition from life as a guy to life as a girl. This is something which I didn't realize was possible until about 1998 and I began seeing people around that time. In the past four years lots of things have gone on, some permanent, some not. When I alluded to a biological clock I meant that there is some medication which I'm on (i.e. HRT) which is causing physical changes to take place at a certain rate. As such it will become more difficult to outwardly present as male for much longer. My intention is find a way back into "normal" life in the next two years but the next six months will be very trying. I can fill you in on the details as much as you want.
I know you said that I should worry about me first, not about others. But I hate to impact other people's lives---my burdens should be mine alone to bear. But with a change like this, where in a matter of months I may begin to live all of the time in "girl mode", I don't know how that's going to complicate our relationship between us, our parents, and extended family---especially if anything should happen to Mom. Please understand that I am trying to be as respectful to Mom and Dad during this process as possible, but I am following my own path.
I guess the most important thing to know is that I'm in excellent health, physically and mentally. I've got a good amount of support from friends and colleagues. I am hardly doing this alone or in a vacuum---I've met dozens of other trans people and various professionals. I have seen the success stories and the not-so-successful. Maybe you can sum it up that even though I know the road ahead is littered with hazards I feel stronger about my inner self as my preferred outer self becomes a reality.
If you're up to it, I'd like to continue to just talk. I don't expect agreement or support, though it would be nice. I would rather have you know all the reasons why I'm doing this so you can at least see that it makes as much sense to you as it has to me. Cellular phone, (555) 555-8271, is an excellent way to get to me---for long conversations I'll probably try to find a house line because my cellular gets crappy reception at home. Talk to you later...
Your bro,
- _____
Date: Friday, December 27, 2002; 4:45p
From: Me
To: Calvin
Hey,
> Good to hear from you. I must say that your
> news was indeed a shock to me at first
> (thought you were going to tell me you won the
> Lotto!). However,
I kinda figured it would be a shock. I *wish* I had won the Lotto!!! Under better circumstances I would have much preferred to have let you know in a more relaxed, less time- bound situation. But as mentioned before, the opportunity was there and I went to go seize it.
> the subject of gender dysphoria. This helped
> me understand more about what you have been
> going through for most of your life as the
> onset of dysphoria can start around the age of
> 4, with most typical sufferers taking action
> around the 26-30 year old range. After
> reading many of the clinical
You know, this is actually a fairly recent phenomenon, the people in their late 20s doing this. In the past 20 years we've seen a great increase in the number of sub-40 transitioners. The support group I belong to has the typical male-to-female (MTF) transsexual (TS): 40+ years old, married, engineering job, etc. After meeting numerous people in person I have actually found a number in my peer range (mid 20s to early 30s). On the Internet, I have participated on boards where it was not uncommon to have teenage transitioners.
I guess bottom line is that it is still a rare thing, but now not nearly as rare. There are hundreds if not thousands of MTF (and conversely "FTM") TSs in _____ alone, your area has a great number as well. Anyways, there are a lot of professionals out there now and laws are being enacted to protect transgendered persons. Awareness is rising, medical technology is improving. We now know this is not just a "crazy person's" type of disorder: there may be solid biological grounding for this in varying brain structures.
> articles wrote by doctors it becomes more apparent
> to me that you have been not able to live your
> life the way you have wanted for a long time. I
Yes. I wouldn't say that I've hated my life. No, I've actually had a very good one. But I've been at odds with myself in a sort of fundamental way which is a lot more than "gee I wish I was taller" or "I wish I was more popular". It's the kind of gut feeling that tells you who you are and it seeps out into your daily life in various ways. As I've been coming out to people there have been some who say, "oh, so that's why you're that way. And I thought you were just gay or something." Hehe.
> back over the time I have known you and do
> realize that sometimes "normal" things have
> seemed not quite right, however, I never
> really thought much
No one thinks of this. This is the last thing on their minds. Since I appeared to have all the normal external equipment and I was pretty active in everything and I wasn't flaming, I don't think anyone really picked up on it.
> about it. Regardless, the route you are
> intending to take is quite common among
> the true sufferers of gender dysphoria. My
> main concern is that you
Yes it is. There are those who choose not to do anything, some go part way, and there are others like me who are strongly considering going "all the way" to a full transformation. It's really weird. I feel lighter, freer, less self-conscious in many ways---despite the fact I am still sorta paranoid if I'll "pass" as a girl or not. But, I think we have to look to the internal peace that seems to be happening. As I have said to other people, I had no choice in how I was born, but I have a choice as to how to deal with my life. I hope I'm making the best choice for myself, but we'll have to wait a long time from now to see if I was right.
> use the best procedures and see the best
> doctors during this "transition" time in
> your life as to insure your physical health.
> I admit that it will
I am trying to use the best doctors that I have access to without going overboard to search for others. As there are TSs worldwide in every country, religion, race, etc., there are many capable people out there.
> take me a little while to get used to the
> new you but I take pride on being very
> flexible and having an open mind. Please
> be assured that you will always be family
> to me and nothing will ever change that.
Aww...
Well, reading that gives me great respect for you. This is a tumultuous time for me and having a few shoulders to lean on is a very good thing.
Thanks.
I don't expect you to get used to me immediately; even I'm still getting used to myself, so to speak. It's a transition for me but also for you and everyone else around me. I think the best way to approach this is for us to just keep talking for a while. If you're not too freaked out, maybe one day I'll pop down there in Girl Mode. I'll certainly try not to scare any of your friends.
> The questions I have are:
> 1) When and where do you plan to have your
> surgical procedure(s) done?
I intend to have only two surgical procedures at this stage of the game. I would like a "tracheal shave" where the Adam's apple (thyroid cartilage) is removed. Relatively minor procedure, local anesthetic, no hospital stay required, very little aftercare. Costs are expected to be between $2,500-$4,000. I am planning to have this done relatively soon within the next few months. Most people won't even notice I've had it because most people don't notice my Adam's apple except when I turn my head in certain ways.
The next surgery is the Big One, Genital Reassignment Surgery (GRS) or Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS). This involves not the "chopping off" of the genitals but rather using the tissues and nerves to reconstruct a vagina and labia. The success rate is actually fairly high nowadays as this is a more routine procedure. Thailand, US, Canada, and England are the main places people go to. I would prefer not to travel outside the US---several of my friends have gone to Thailand and Canada. This is major surgery which requires a couple weeks of hospitalization, lots of aftercare, and costs in the neighborhood of $15,000-$30,000. According to the generally-held guidelines the medical community goes by (put out by the "HBGDIA") I must live at least 1 year as "full-time", meaning my legal and physical identity must be as my preferred sex, before I can have the surgery. I can put my name on a waiting list now if I really want to, but I haven't decided who to choose.
> 2) Have you told Mom & Dad? How do you want to
> handle any family issues?
Yes. I told Mom and Dad over a year ago. They have handled the situation so-so. They are generally of the opinion that this is something which cannot and should not be done. They look at the negatives, the failures, the laughable men-in- dresses and conclude that I would be just like them. I hope to avoid this at all costs and am trying to fit in as normally as possible. I'm still working things through with them. It is more difficult knowing Mom's fragile health; I might work on Dad alone for a while.
I don't know how I want to handle the family issues. I would say that if anything were to happen in the next 1-2 years I still might be able to present as a guy. I will try my best not to stand out and to be the good ol' _____ for everyone's sake. But, like I said, it's getting more difficult by the day to do so even with my best efforts. Once the legal and physical transformation is complete I don't know. Maybe I'll turn up in Girl Mode. Maybe I won't turn up at all? Maybe I'll just sit in the back? I don't know. Not too many people I know personally have been here before and we certainly haven't as a family. I want to be respectful to Mom, Dad, and our extended family. I realize this may not be possible.
One complicating matter is if we do an extended family announcement that I'm making the jump from male to female, then I'll almost certainly attend in Girl Mode unless family members object. I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't think about this now?
> 3) What's your new legal identity going to be?
> How did you decide on your new name?
I am not 100% sure what it's going to be. I do not expect to keep my current name nor my initials, but I would like to retain the family name. The first name is one that has been on my mind since early childhood: Amber. This is what my roommates, friends, and transgendered friends know me as. I think it's short, cute, represents my personality, and has a wonderful meaning. The middle name is a never-ending search. I have ruled out Mom's first name because it just doesn't work, so there are a number of candidates floating around. I would prefer the first, middle, and last names to be common names and not some funky spelling or of distant origin. As mentioned at the beginning of the letter, I plan to assimilate and just be lost in a sea of normality.
> 4) How are your co-workers at _____ going to
> handle the change?
I don't know. My co-workers are great have always seemed to treat me a little bit differently than other guys around here. But, who's to say? Some may have religious conflicts, some will be abhorred by the idea, some may even cheer me on. We won't know until it happens. That may happen in a few months. I want to get the trach shave out of the way first. Besides, with today's job market, I want to stay employed as long as possible just in case I get laid off.
There are other TSs at _____, so it's not completely unheard of. But, I may be the only one in my building and/or division. There should be procedural guidelines and corporate policies on how to address those in my situation. _____'s a fairly big and progressive company so I'm not exactly that worried. It's the general state of the economy that worries me more.
> 5) What do you plan to do after your transition?
Live life. Take cooking classes. Get back to learning guitar. Go out with friends. Travel abroad. Maybe stop working in engineering and switch fields to marketing or communiations. Go backpacking. Volunteer. Write. Draw. Maybe go into teaching later in life. And if I'm really really really lucky, maybe get married and have a family. (Yes, I will never be able to bear children of my own but that hasn't stopped gay couples. And, yes, I banked my sperm over a year ago too.) I guess, I just want to get on with boring, mundane life. If I can complete the change before I'm 30 then I'll still have a good chance of looking half-decent enough to attract a mate or have the energy to chase after one.
> I'll have more questions in the future because
> this is something new to me, so your answers
> help me understand more. Please take care of
> yourself and remember that your health and
> safety are my primary concerns.
I know there are a whole host of questions which probably haven't crossed your mind at the moment. I don't know how far your curiosity runs as well. But, why don't we do this? Let me introduce you to my web site which I've been having running since about 4 years ago. It has a lot of stuff about me, my journey, and other people in the same boat. It is massive---I warn you! But, I'm redesigning it to make it a little more compact. So, if you would like:
http://www.sianna.com/users/amberAnyhow, I should get back to doing some other stuff around the house like clenaing my room. My room is always a mess.
Cya,
- _____ / Amber
Significant others
This is tough too because you have a personal investment in them. I would definitely try to get them alone and in private to talk to them and be prepared for the worst. The problem with S.O.'s is that emotions are what brought you together and that can turn around and be the dividing force.
I told my then-girlfriend of 3 years what was on my mind one day while we were out driving. I said little other than I thought I was facing a personal battle and that the name for it was transsexuality. She asked me what it meant and I said that if I continue on my path of research and experimentation that one day I might assume a new name and identity. I told her that I had been in therapy for a few months and was involved with a support group. She was very concerned and didn't really know what to make of it so we stopped the conversation after a while.
I remember speaking to her about it later on a few occassions but not for very long. At at some point in 2001 we had a final talk about it and we separated. I still remember some of the last words in that conversation: "it's just a pity." Yeah, that we should all lose so much during this process, it is a pity.
Friends
Friends, I think, are a bit easier to deal with but are much more unpredictable. Someone once told me that in the process of coming out you find out who your real friends are. Too true that is.
I've employed a lot of the above tactics in disclosing to friends, but I've had to do a bit of e-mail for people I don't see regularly. This was also more true after I went full-time because I didn't just want to show up in Girl Mode and shock the heck out of them. Still, I try to set the pace as a slow, private conversation where there are pauses where they can think and maybe ask questions. I tried to hold off as much information as possible but just state the fact that I am going to (or did, when I went full-time) do a gender transition.
I did find an interesting way of announcing my transition. I usually told people I had some good news to tell them in person which always begged the question: what is the good news? That usually got the conversation rolling and we would choose to meet up in person with me still in Boy Mode. I would then tell them of transition but not use words like transsexual or gender at all. Before I went full-time I said I plan to have a name change---after I went full-time I said I just had a name change. At that point most people said, "you're kidding", to which I would shake my head and pull out my temporary driver's license with my new name on it. Then the questions would pour in: why? how? when? I just calmly said I've been thinking about how to solve a problem that had been bothering me for a while and it seems doing the "girl thing" is easier and more true to how I want to present myself. I'm sure you can come up with other creative ways but this seemed to work good because it makes people stop and think without being too confrontational.
I've been good friends with Holden for a long while and he's a cool guy. He's also a real thinker-type who would probably be real good as a counselor, psychologist, or detective. Anyhow, he went to Thailand as part of a vacation and ended up seeing shows and people on the streets that were part of the transgendered and transsexual community. If you don't know what Thailand has to offer, one of the "attractions" happens to be broadway-style stage shows which features an all-transgendered cast. That is, some are impersonators, some transvestites, and some bonafide transsexuals. This has been going on for many years. So, now we pick up the conversation between us, letters slightly edited:
Date: Sunday, August 11, 2002; 1:46a
From: Me
To: Holden
Hey,
Good seeing you today. You know, it really is cool [you] got a chance to broaden your perspective by seeing cultures that really are foreign to us who have grown up around these parts. I always like to see how other people make do with their lives in their contexts; it makes you appreciate what we have and to respect the differences. I guess it shows that people, no matter where they are, have similar goals for achieving happiness. Whatever floats your boat, I say.
The social stuff that goes on in Thailand really surprised me the first time I heard about it---I've gotten bits and pieces of this info over the years. Especially the part about the transsexuals and how they are willing to risk their lives for some idealistic pursuit of happiness. As if changing one's body could ever really make a person happy and whole! It's surprising when you think about the sacrifices that people with that condition face. It seems ridiculous on some level, fatalistic on an another. So would it surprise you at all to know that right now I, too, am hormonally female?
Anyhow, I want to hear about the rest of your trip sometime. Maybe we can catch a bite or a coffee or something and finish up the stories. I guess I have a few of my own to tell.
Hasta.
Date: Sunday, August 11, 2002; 10:43p
From: Holden
To: Me
> So would it surprise you
> at all to know that right now I,
> too, am hormonally female?
What the hell are you talking about?! Alright, so you do look like a girl with that ponytail, but ... What the hell?!
Heaven does not want me and Hell is afraid I will take over.
Date: Sunday, August 11, 2002; 11:31p
From: Me
To: Holden
Hey,
> > So would it surprise you
> > at all to know that right now I,
> > too, am hormonally female?
>
> What the hell are you talking about?!
> Alright, so you do look like a girl
> with that ponytail, but ... What the
> hell?!
I kinda figured it would take you by surprise. It takes most other people by surprise, but a number of people are getting used to it. Yes, other people know this. The clues have been there for a while almost eerily like 9-11.
So I mean, sorta like (but not exactly like) some of the people you observed in Thailand, I too would be classified by some people as, um, transsexual. As in, by psychologist's evaluations I am sane (yeah, believe that?) and am normal otherwise. Except that I've been having something bugging me for a long time so I put plans together to "correct" things and am now acting on them. I'm *not* doing the same as the Thailand trans people, but there are similarities in the "transition" path that I've been on for the past four years. Regards the hormones, I'm hormonally female because I have been on a regimen for a few months now that effectively reverses my hormone levels from being testosterone-dominant to estrogen-dominant.
Have you fallen out of your chair yet?
> Heaven does not want me and
> Hell is afraid I will take over.
Been there. Done that. I'm a secret agent for installing Microsoft Windows on everyone's computers. MuahhahahaaaaaAAA!!!
Date: Monday, August 12, 2002; 11:16p
From: Holden
To: Me
Are you serious? If so, wow. Yeah, if you ever want to talk, then I would be willing to listen and find out more.
And God damn you Bill Gates spy!
Date: Tuesday, August 13, 2002; 1:47a
From: Me
To: Holden
> Are you serious? If so, wow. Yeah,
> if you ever want to talk, then I would
> be willing to listen and find out more.
Yup. I'm very serious...about being an agent for Bill Gates.
http://www.sianna.com/users/amber/comingout.htmlC'est moi.
http://www.sianna.com/users/amber
You have now entered the secret Inner Circle; I'd appreciate it if you could sort of keep this information between me and the other Circle members.
> And God damn you Bill Gates spy!
Muahahaha...ahaha..hhehehah...HHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
*ahem*
Back to your regularly scheduled programming...
Date: Tuesday, August 13, 2002; 3:03a
From: Holden
To: Me
I have looked at most of the first link. I have to say: Wow. Sorry if I come across as a little insensitive, but I am so curious now. I was still thinking you might not be serious with your last few replies, but the web page has certainly changed my mind. I have all these questions. Most of which will probably be answered as I read more of the pages. The truth of this is just now hitting me. So pardon me if I still go: Wwwwooow. Just to let you know, I will still call you an idiot and make fun of you every so often. You are not getting away that easily. As to my insomnia, I am going to sleep now.
Date: Tuesday, August 13, 2002; 12:43p
From: Me
To: Holden
Hey,
> I have looked at most of the first
> link. I have to say: Wow. Sorry if
> I come across as a little insensitive,
> but I am so curious now. I was still
> thinking you might not be serious
> with your last few replies, but the
> web page has certainly changed my
> mind. I have all these questions. Most
> of which will probably be answered as
> I read more of the pages.
Yup, I kinda figured it'd solidify the situation. No problem about the insensitive part---you don't know how much fun the rest of us have been having with this. I mean, in the face of something like this you *have* to have a sense of humor. Especially Steve and Seth are being good sports about it.
At the heart of the issue, I am pretty serious about it and for all the thinking and whatnot that I've done, I'm fairly certain my heart speaks the truth. Of course maybe a Windows virus has infected and corrupted my brain, but I think we'll just leave that one to speculation.
> The truth of this is just now hitting
> me. So pardon me if I still go:
> Wwwwooow. Just to let you know, I
> will still call you an idiot and make
> fun of you every so often. You are
> not getting away that easily.
Yeah, I guess if you ever want to catch me just yank the hair and the body will follow. Hehehe.
The full effect of what I just told you probably will take a while to sink in since it's so mind-boggling (even still to me). Side effects of coming out to someone may include: jaw hyperextension, dry mouth, nausea, shortness of breath, disbelief, loss of bladder control, muscle spasms, head pounding, vertigo, hypertension, loss of appetite, and inability to close eyelids which are now stuck wide open. Symptoms are similar to sugar pill...while bungee jumping...from an airplane...with no parachute.
> As to my insomnia, I am going to sleep now.
Hey, thanks for listening...
Colleagues
Work is one of those real touchy subjects because no one wants to jeopardize their job. I recently decided to actually talk to one of my colleagues about this because he has a better idea of how our management in our organization may view my change. I did't plan to do everyone this way, but I felt it gave me a chance to give the 1-on-1 personal touch.
I told him a few days before that there were some things on my mind that I wanted his opinion on. I didn't mention what it was but I said it was of sort of a personal nature, so we settled on breakfast. I wanted to get away from the distractions of the office and have a little more privacy so we decided on going to this little diner a few minutes away. We put in a meeting time on our schedulers and Tuesday morning rolled around.
Getting there around 9:30a means there was hardly anyone around. We got seated on the upper part of the restaurant floor (it's sort of a bi-level thing). It afforded some privacy but not seclusion. I didn't really plan it that way but it worked out in our favor.
We ordered and started talking about work life. This went on for at least a half hour. It was kind of the warm up for the conversation. He had a few things to talk about as well so it was good he got a chance to just get them off his chest. Eventually I'd have my turn.
I began by telling him that my girlfriend of 5+ years and I broke up not because we didn't love each other. No, we never really even had a single argument in that time! One might have said we had almost an idyllic relationship. He was envious; he's been married for probably 25+ years and is still "learning to live with his wife". He loves her but it's not easy, you know? Anyways I continued with my classic line about us needing to go in a different direction.
He immediately jumped to the conclusion that there was another girl in my life. I smiled and sort of shook my head at that. I had to break the news to him that it wasn't another girl. In fact, I still meet up with my ex about once a week---we're still good friends. I am not really interested in anyone right now.
That confused him more so he asked if it was work. Nope. Not that either. He knows I've been struggling with some issues at work but that's a different story which has to do with project management and design directions.
I finally got the chance to launch into my almost-routine speech which I enunciated in a slow and steady manner. I told him about me always feeling out of place, about me feeling like I'm wearing a mask, and how I'm trying to just find ways to be happy. Finding happiness sort of requires change and taking control of your life sometimes makes big changes. I told him about the innate feeling that things were
wrong with me since Day One and how for the past 4 years I've been
earnestly looking into resolving my issues.He was still baffled at what I was referring to so I pulled out some paper I brought along (on purpose) and scrawled this diagram. He took a look at it and this soft "oh..." dropped from his lips. "I never would have guessed," he added. I just nodded. He asked if I was serious and if I had thought it through. Yes, I said.
He then said a couple of things that made me feel a lot better: 1) he said he had seen some documentaries on transsexuals, 2) he said if I ever needed someone to talk to that he'd be around, 3) he said that you just can't change the way a person is. What a guy!
I filled him in on the rough
plans of my work transition timeline and he was able to give some
input there.Long term I can't say what will happen but it was very nice to see that he was both a good listener and supportive. I don't know when other colleagues will be told but it'll probably be closer to when it seems likely they need to know.
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Talking to your chain of command requires a certain amount of delicacy because they are responsible for your continued existence on the job. The idea when speaking with them is to be to the point, stick to the facts, and try to invite conversation. At the time of this writing there are not many protections for you against unfair termination or discrimination based on gender identity, but many people don't know that and HR tends to err on the side of caution.
Before approaching the management I felt I should get all my ducks in a row. More than that, I wanted to make sure they did too. I set up a plan to get together a letter to present my intentions to HR, have some sort of a group planning stage, do an announcement, and then return to work. It actually went fairly smoothly with nothing I can complain about. You'll see from the chart to the right that I opened up to management way early before the majority of my colleagues were told. That gave us all time to prepare---and for me to get a bunch of things in order. Definitely give yourself several months before you need to go full-time. Oh yeah, and be succinct.
When I first presented my case to my management I sat with my boss and gave her a packet of information with a cover sheet.
Introductory letter
I used this as a cover letter to the supplemental packet. Names have been substituted. Also, after reading it again I realized a few areas where I would have changed things because they are sort of erroneous (e.g. the RLT sentence), but I guess it's too late to take it back now. Doh. That's what I get for cutting-and-pasting stuff together.
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Supplement: Overview of Transition
This was a 4-page packet of light reading meant to give a short overview of some of the major aspects of transition. I gave it to my boss and HR along with the introductory letter. And, yes, I have lifted concepts and words from a lot of other places. Where I can't really remember offhand. If you think you should receive writer's credits, just e-mail me and I'll put your name up...
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My boss and I discussed this and fortunately she was very supportive to the point of championing my cause. We then took the matter to HR and then up the management chain. After quite a bit of time we settled the logistics. I got a new user ID (which would be active just before I return to the office in Girl Mode) and would be getting a new badge soon enough.
In regards to telling our colleagues we decided we would call a special meeting with the relevant managment staff and present them a letter which they could read to their employees. I got to speak at this special meeting (in Boy Mode) in order to tell them I was transitioning, what it entailed, answer any questions up front, and make sure that the managers knew what to say and when to say it. Our packet for the managers was:
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Later on Thursday my division head sent out the following e-mail to all employees in that domain:
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And that was it. We tried to always keep our messages to everyone positive and focus on teamwork. Overall I think it went pretty well and we didn't have any major complaints. We tried to give a balance of information, resources, and contact people.
What went right / wrong
And now the whole point of all of this: to tell you want went right and what went wrong!
What went right:
- Told the most important people to me first. (e.g. girlfriend, parents, close friends)
- Did not tell workplace people until very close until I actually did transition.
- Took as many people aside on a 1-on-1 basis and told them very calmly and slowly.
- Didn't bombard them with information.
- Did not show up en femme without them being told in advance. (Reduces shock.)
- Asked my friends for help. I needed their support, advice, and information.
- Came out to my boss first. I asked her if she wanted to know what I was going to go to HR for, giving her the option to become involved earlier.
- Came out to HR months before full-time. It allowed everyone to get in sync so that when the change occurred everything was synchronized. I came back to work that next Monday and everything was about as perfect as can be.
- I got almost all of my eletrolysis done before full-time. That meant virtually no impact to my work schedule.
- I worked on my voice and got facial surgery out of the way months ahead of full-time.
- We did not tell the entire company or even the entire division. We kept the announcement limited only to the groups that I worked with or around.
- I got to make the original announcement to our management staff.
- We had 3 levels of management voicing their support.
- Managers who would announce to their employees about my transition were given a short preformatted speech.
- Come out to all of your friends in short succession. What happened to me is that for a very long while only a handful of people knew and we were always playing the game of who-knows-and-who-doesn't. It's nervewracking and very confusing for those who know who want to keep the secret. Plus, those who you tell will need others to talk to about this.
- Spoke to my parents more. I rarely saw my parents and I hated to bring up the subject of how I was about to wreck their lives. It was a mistake not to talk to them as much because once I hit full-time I could not show up in guy mode at all and they still wanted me to do that.
- Strung my girlfriend along for too long. I told her in 1999; we broke up in 2001. Granted, I didn't know that I would get more serious as time wore on about transitioning. Perhaps it would have been better to really talk more meaningfully in 1999 and maybe we would have broken up in 2000 instead, saving her about 2 years of trouble.
- Not telling friends how much turmoil I was experiencing in the last stages of transition before full-time. I rarely told them about how I felt. I'm not sure I would have received that much sympathy, but it would have been better to let them know.
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