amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

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frequently asked questions (faq)

An eternally-youthful, fast-paced, patient, somewhat stubborn, anime-loving, junk food chomping, musically-inclined, adaptable, part-time gaming, user friendly, technology-oriented, sometime insomniac, portable, forgetful, compassionate, overworked, optimistic, tomboy-ish, cautiously pessimistic, solar-powered, caffeine-addicted, graphic arts-trained, ready to volunteer, time-slice multitasking, vertically-challenged, uncoordinated, programming-specialized, gender-challenged-yet-mostly-happy person just trying to make the most out of this precious gift of life.
      My little MTF gender conflict plays a role in how I view the world and I feel I need to explore the depth and importance of it. I am not trapped but I am not free at the same time. Finding an appropriate balance between the two is the essence of this web site. I guess we'll just have to see where I end up going with each day's new twists and turns.

Because it's my name. So there. I think it's neat, cute, and I like the meaning: precious jewel. You have to pick a name that sort of resonates with you.

No. I got spit on once, but that was more probably because the guys was a white supremecist. Other than that no. I never was outrightly flagged as gay, made fun of, or pushed around.

Nope.

No, no, and sometimes. I just don't see the point in drugs (never have), I've only secondhand smoke ('cuz I don't think I could stand cigarettes), and alcohol is one of those things I do once in a while. By myself I almost never drink. With friends or someone that appreciates wine I might get something. Favs are the fruity mixed drinks or something with Red Bull in it.

Nope. I was consistently in the top-scoring groups of students. School, in general, was easy and boring. I can't say that any of this translates to intelligence---I think I just am way impatient.

No. I do not hold them accountable in any way. They have given me a great start in life and have always allowed me equal opportunity to learn and grow as I please. That kind of open environment may have been a catalyst but I don't believe it could ever have been a cause. As far as I know I have never been forced into dressing or acting as a female---I just did.
      Again, to my recollection they have never pushed me or punished me unfairly. You may have heard how there are typical Asian parents who push their kids really hard through school, focusing on making them geniuses or something. These kids are put under a lot of pressure, and there are those that believe that kind of pressure may warp one's childhood development. I sort of agree to some extent. But, I don't think that would manifest itself as long-term transgendered behavior or feelings.
      No, I'd have to say that I have a pair of some of the nicest, easy-going folks on the block. I can't ever remember truly being pressured to excel at any academic subject or sport. I just did the best I could and they seemed pretty happy with that.
      I did pressure myself into getting decent grades and a few awards, but that's mostly me, not them. And I think that sort of drive is either due to me trying to be perfectionist or me trying to escape from things I didn't want to deal with. Maybe a little of both. Apparently I am far from being alone with this kind of history.

Good question. I know my brain is probably more solid than liquid, but that's due to my stubborn, dense nature. I try to be as human as possible with all of its joys and troubles. I don't think of myself as transsexual, although I guess that's the term you have to apply to someone in my situation. I am not a disorder or an impairment, I just am.
      More specifically, I'm someone who was born biologically and physically male, had an average childhood, began transition, and am now living as female for an indefinite period of time.

In general, no. I am who I am and this is how it turned out. As for being around other trans I don't really care. I'm more interested in the person than their gender status.

I don't think so although I'm sure other people might disagree. In terms of what I like and how I do things I don't think I've changed much in that department. Before when I was stuck with being in Guy Mode it seemed that I just changed the words I used and the ways I expressed my thoughts, but the core is still with me today.

No, not really. I guess it depends how you define depression, but I don't find myself moping about or lethargic at all. There have been some times where it seems the world is closing in around me but they don't last long. I thought I might run into chemical-based depression, and I'm not sure if the progesterones affect me that much.

No, but at the same time I'm not truly free. I had plenty of opportunities but the whole gender aspect of my life was bugging the dickens out of me. That led me to falling into a sort of trap, though. The more I explored what I felt and what I knew I had an increasngly difficult time existing in the world as I was. The number of options seemed to dwindle and then it was like only a small set of paths was available. I could certainly choose to do nothing in which case I would have become trapped by my own fears and probably have eventually spiralled into true depression. Instead I chose to evolve. So far, it's working.

Probably my entire life but I just didn't acknowledge it until these past few years. I didn't even know words like transgendered and gender identity disorder back then. I just have these memories dating back to age 4 when I wanted to be a girl but I don't remember exactly why.

Besides feeling like I wanted a lot of social contact with girls I think there are a number of stereotypical girly things that just were inherent in my being. I've always been a non-competitive, domestically-minded, group-oriented person. Sure, there are boys who were like that and yet not transsexual. It's hard to come up with a solid answer other than I think I just behaved and thought differently than most boys back then. How many boys do you know that were into cleaning, cooking, sewing, boutiquing, and socializing with girls in a non-sexual way. I was just being me.
      Two good examples I can think of stand out: I was the only guy playing flute for umpteen years always surrounded by girls and never being attracted to any of them sexually; friends have had long debates over whether I was queer due to the way I kept my room, adorned it with candles, and had no interest in Playboy.

I've been trying to decide just why I seem to recall that that was the time I really started to become aware about all of this and I believe it's almost certainly because of preschool/kindergarten. There isn't anything wrong with this age, but this is about the first time in most of our lives where we are actually in a mixed male/female environment where we have heavy interaction with other kids.
      I figure that before that I was mainly hanging around my parents and I just went wherever they did. But, starting with preschool I had choices to make with what games I played and which kids I played with. As a result I think I was getting my first taste of the differences between girls and boys. I can remember that I always felt more at home with the girls and at odds with the boys.
      So as I became much more aware at what each group of kids was doing, I think I began to question why things were the way they were. It seems to me that a lot of other people may have had very similar experiences.

Well, sort of. I didn't mind being a boy nor did I hate life because of it. I found good things that boys do that I liked, so I was relatively content with myself. (I still am to some extent.)
      I would say that I haven't always desired to actually be a girl in body, since I always thought that it would have been impossible for that to be a reality. (I didn't know about transsexuals at that time, of course.) So, I wanted just to have the same opportunities as the rest of the girls did---without criticism. See, the part that really got me was that it was not an equal opportunity world because there were just some things that boys shouldn't have been doing.

No. I was surrounded in an environment that was so boringly normal in my opinion that I don't think any influence could have come from there.

I can't prove that I'm not. I spent the better parts of 1998 and 1999 banging my head against the wall trying to figure out why I would think the way I do. There is just an unshakable, undeniable core feeling which tells me that womanhood is the right direction. I wish I had a bunch of medical charts or some kind of robust psychological test that would prove I'm not just wacko in the head or something, but I don't. I may never know for sure. What I figure is that I believe enough that I'm troubled by my gender that I have do something about it.

Oh boy. There isn't an easy answer.
      Sure I can, and I'm not saying that I couldn't. I'm not hating life to the point where I'm thinking about suicide. I don't loathe my male anatomy. I don't feel I'm trapped in a garbage compactor chamber with impenetrable walls closing in to squeeze the life out of me. No no no...! I love my life and I would hate to see me sacrifice it. But, it's just... I don't know. An uphill battle?
      I have gotten along because I cope. I ignore that which I don't want to deal with. I embrace that which is fun or beneficial. The way I survive now is that I integrate (what I term to be) my "feminine side" into my regular life. So what if I have nice pink floral-print bedsheets? So what if I like potpourri and scented candles? So what if I like long, flowing hair? There's lots of other little things, and most people I know seem to think that's just lil' ol' me. And this is all fine for now because I have the I-don't-give-a-damn attitude if someone wants to make fun of that. I take the jokes in stride.
      But, I shouldn't have to deal with criticism like that.
      Why can't I just do what I want to do? Why can't I be the person I want to be? Because I don't appear to be part of the female society where these things are very much accepted, if not encouraged. It's the guy-in-a-dress problem: the image of the guy and the image of the dress just don't go together in most people's eyes. It's disjoint. It's uncomfortable. And I would rather avoid creating that kind of sentiment.
      So, it's not so much the case as me not being able to live with my body, but rather me being able to live with our gender-based rules on how our culture views male and female behavior. The only true reason for me to consider going through transition is to pull my physical appearance into alignment with my internal identity. You see, I'd love to change society around and make them see that gender lines are really stupid things and that men and women are equally capable of playing both roles. But, you know, I don't think I'm going to be able to convince the other 6 billion people of that within my lifetime. (Just a hunch!) So, what's easier?
      Of course, maybe it's just the case that I worry over what is for girls and what is for boys, but even I don't think that's the case. Gender lines pushed aside, I have to ask myself: how do I really feel? Well, I can say that I would still probably prefer to spend my days in female mode.

Probably. But, not immediately.

I would save it in a box and wait until I had finished talking to family, friends, colleagues, and legal officials. I would make sure that people knew that I was about to jump to the other side of the fence, and help them all understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. I would practice by cross-living and seeing if it was something I could actually do for the rest of my life. I would make sure I was in excellent mental and physical health, and that I was surrounded by people who professionals in the field of medical science. Then I would take the pill before going to bed, awake the next day, stretch, and then start my life anew.
      In short, even with that magical pill I would do almost exactly what I'm doing right now. (The transition process just would be a lot faster and less painful.)
      I'm not one of those to say "to heck with the world" and down the magic pill with a glass of water. You see, I believe that that pill would only correct what's on the outside, and there is so much more to this whole thing than appearances. It's about integrating oneself with other people. If we all lived behind computer screens and no one actually had any physical contact with each other, I would gladly assume a different identity and live out my life that way. But, we all interact with our bodies in daily life and so I still need to learn how to be a part of society.
      My goal is to become the best person as I can. And if that means I feel more comfortable in a woman's body then so be it.

Not necessarily. Sure it would be cool, but being a guy isn't so bad either. I would say, rather, that I would like to be reborn as a person who is completely secure in his or her gender identity but who is also sensitive to the wide spectrum of other people's identities. If I were to be reborn with the same personality as I have now in this society as I live in it now, then I would say that a female life would be much more suitable.

No. I actually have a different take on that.
      I have always (IMO) felt like a female. However, I know that this behavior would most certainly land me in an alley bruised and beaten if I kept it up. So, I put on the body, mannerisms, clothes, and hair of a man so I can get by. Hey, when the boss goes to work, he puts on a suit, right? It's appropriate attire for the job. Likewise, I do what is appropriate for my given sex.
      Maybe that's why I don't hate my body like other people do. Sure, I'd like something else, but I use it for its advantages and its camouflage because, well, I choose to. I choose to live a "normal" life, and therefore there are things I have to do.
      I wondered for a while how long I could keep up wearing the "man suit" before I would give it up. That answer availed itself around mid 2002. Basically, by then I had had enough physical changes that I just couldn't see myself as male anymore. My outward presentation was more synonymous with how I felt internally and I just couldn't turn away from that fact. I liked the cute girl smiling back at me in the mirror and I wanted to keep it that way. And every day that passes things seem to fall into place with or without my hand. Not that things are perfect---far far far from it. But I seem to be having fun at a deeper level than before.

All the time. Well, let me qualify that...
      I have a personality which can be described in a certain way which is neither male nor female. It's just "me". But, in addition to that I also have had a long-standing desire to be female. Why do I feel this way? I dunno. I just do. So, in this respect, I think of my internal gender identity as female 100% of the time.
      In comparison with the society I live in, I also have many "male" traits which I love. That doesn't make me any more or less of a girl. Just like there are truly no girl-only toys and boy-only toys (not including sex toys, you sicko!), these traits and interests of mine are just things that I like. Period. However: the difference comes in where I don't like many social aspects about being in the male category.
      There is no true standard by which males must live up to except the ones that we create for ourselves. I obviously don't live up to or even desire to live up to the tall, dark, athletic ladies man. Does it really make me any less of a male? Not really. But, I choose to aspire to be closer to the stereotypical female role models because that's just my personality. And in that sense, that partly drives my desire to adopt a female body to match my female-like spirit.
      Okay, there are some people right now who will scream "but you have no idea what it really means to be female!" Absutively posilutely. My perception of what it means to be female is what I have gathered from looking at other women and men in our world. And, based on that I categorize myself as more female than male. I have no idea what other women go through because I didn't grow up that way. There will always be things that I will feel left out of because I don't have all of my life experience from a girl's perspective. So, you could say that I want to be a pseudo-female.

Not having started sooner. If I had more information, money, help, and conviction I could have done this 10 years ago. I'm not upset that I didn't start until my late 20s because I felt I really needed to think things through.
      But there is so much lost time. Time is that invisble enemy that steals a little bit of you each day. It's cliché but really try to sieze the day now, dig deep into your soul, and follow the road it tells you to take. Regret not that you didn't always make the most educated decisions (because many things you can't know until you've been there), just be smart about staying safe.

1. Up until college, half or more of my friends were female. 2. I used to skip home from school sometimes. 3. I liked to help my mom cook and clean house. 4. I asked mom to teach me how to sew. 5. I still have my pair of knitting needles and a crochet hook. 6. I loved to braid friends' hair (mine was too short of course). 7. I liked those friendship bracelets. 8. I admired female figures, especially strong ones. 9. I loved books where girls were the main characters. 10. I used to purposely invite girls to birthday parties. 11. I didn't mind playing with dolls, though I never found them that interesting. 12. I got along with women better than guys. 13. I was very shy. 14. I didn't like rough-and-tumble games. 15. I used to really like pink. 16. I used to have Hello Kitty erasers and loved them. 17. I used to draw cartoons with female main characters in them. 18. I got into anime because of Ranma 1/2---a boy who turns into a girl when splashed with cold water. 19. I collected other anime with transgendered themes. 20. I like longer hair. 21. I used to have long hair tied back in a pony tail. Three times. 22. I was always curious as a kid what made girls different from boys since I saw myself as both. 23. I remember having screaming contests with some girls; my voice pitch was just as high. (That was cool.) 24. I loved jumprope and wanted to play hopscotch. 25. I used to spend a lot of time on the jungle bars. 26. I never liked football or baseball despite the fact that my guy friends did. 27. I had dreams where I changed places with other girls. 28. I used to work out vigorously to try to prevent getting "love handles"---too bad 'cuz male hormones ruined that. 29. I shaved my legs for swimming several times---and liked it. 30. I have never fit in with most of the mainstream guys at school and it's not because I didn't try. 31. I chose the flute as my instrument of choice and was the only male flutist in band for several years. (That didn't bother me at all.) 32. I've been called a girl before when I had longer hair, and I liked it. 33. I always wondered what my name would have been had I been born female to start with. 34. I learned to curtsey very early on, and used to do that as a joke. 35. I like fuzzy stuffed animals and still have a good number of them with me. 36. I have floral print bedsheets. 37. I like potpourri and scented candles. 38. I have been writing music for years, and most of it is soft and ambient-sounding. 39. I regularly do the dishes and clean my room because I like having a neat place to live in. 40. I have always felt like I didn't belong when I was with a group of all males. 41. I have a much easier time relating to females in strange situations. 42. I like playing video games where you can pick a female character. 43. Before learning about transsexuality there was a brief time where I was fascinated with she-males. 44. Trying to be "one of the guys" feels phony to me. 45. I use lost of "softening" adjectives or word patterns that are common to females. 46. I used to try to find excuses for growing longer nails---but I eventually found out I could type faster with shorter ones. 47. I like to cook even though I'm terrible at it. 48. I thought it was cool to talk on the phone for long hours. 49. I don't get weirded out when at TG/TS support group meetings. 50. I have always thought I had a strong feminine side. 51. I purposely have dressed somewhat androgynously for years. (And I still do to some extent.) 52. I'm not anorexic, but I worry about my weight way too much. 53. I used to watch people do Jazzercise and I liked to participate. 54. I actually forced myself to start dating because I felt that's what I had to do in order to be one of the guys. (I did eventually fall in love several times for real.) 55. Taking showers in gym used to worry me. 56. I've never truly liked my self-image. 57. I used to invite girls over to play. 58. I tried learning how to print and write like the other girls back in grade school---you know with big curvy letters. 59. I thought girl's Esprit gear was cool; I wanted some. 60. I did CD once and thought it was also cool. 61. I identified more with my mom than dad, even though both were good role models. 62. I think that drawing of me on the home page represents me pretty well. 63. I took gym as a summerschool-type of activity (in the ooooold days) not because I wanted to exercise, but because I just liked the way the girls did it. 64. I used to like to sing in "girl" range. 65. One of the reasons why I stuck with karate was because I saw the more advanced students were limber enough to do the splits (which was something I associated with being a girl trait). 66. I used to tie up my t-shirts girl-style by taking the slack at the bottom and making a knot out of it. 67. I still hold onto my ponytail holder bands from when I had a bit longer hair. 68. I've repeatedly thought about piercing my ears. 69. I had dreams of that mermaid girl in Splash. 70. I used to practice with my friends' batons.

1. I don't really care for dresses or skirts that much. 2. I don't like makeup---all the serious relationships I've had were with women who didn't use makeup. (I still don't use makeup much.) 3. I don't get sexually aroused when "dressed"---clothes are clothes! 4. I didn't really begin CDing until age 24, and that was because I forced myself to. 5. I don't feel a real need to get dressed. Ever. 6. I could care less about breasts. 7. I own very few femme articles of clothing. 8. I'm not into bubbly, frilly effeminate attitudes---I'm just the simple girl-next-door. 9. I don't really "transform" when in femme mode, rather I'm just less like a guy.

1. I'm afraid of losing my family and friends. 2. I'm afraid of hurting my family and friends. 3. I'm afraid of losing my job. 4. I'm afraid of losing my life. 5. I don't want to be ridiculed in public. 6. I don't know if I can afford transition. 7. I don't know if this is all just a bad dream or a fantasy I'm forcing on myself. 8. I don't know if I'll be any happier post-transition. 9. I don't know if I'll pass. 10. I will probably lose my great relationship with a very special person. (Sigh.) 11. I will have a lifetime of pills and dilation. 12. I will always have to hide the fact that I was not born female. 13. I may have to lock away old pictures and film of myself. 14. I may have difficulty getting a new job. 15. I will become a target for senseless violence. 16. My life may be shortened due to the strain of surgery and hormones. 17. I may forever be known as a transsexual instead of a person. 18. Getting the name change is going to be a terrible hassle. 19. Distancing myself from the past may be impossible. 20. My health isn't 100%, and all the medical procedures could lead to a weakening of my body. 21. I may long for having genetic children. 22. I may never marry. 23. Dating will be a very frightening experience. 24. I have to make up a lifetime of learning in only a few years. 25. I may get frustrated with the feminine hygiene routine. 26. I may not reach my salary potential as compared to if I had never transitioned. 27. I will forever wonder what life will be like had I not transitioned. 28. Maybe, just maybe, I can hang on for a few more years without doing anything. 29. Maybe this all is a cover-up for some other deeply-buried problem, but I have yet to find it. 30. I'm afraid the end results are not what I want. 31. I see transition as a one-way door and I'm scared that once I start I won't be able to stop even if I want to stop. 32. I'm not that fond of needles. 33. I've grown comfortable with my current life. 34. Maybe I haven't found the right people to help me diagnose this problem. 35. I could end up homeless.

1. I have continually dreamed about being (at least in part or for a short period of time) a woman. 2. This dream has followed me for my entire life. 3. I will only go through this life once and I may regret it later in life if I don't take this opportunity now. 4. I'm fortunate enough to live in a very supportive community with some wonderful people. 5. Because I sort of want to. 6. Because, as many have told me, I'm not carrying extra "baggage" like marriage or children. 7. I'm already seemingly happier just thinking about it. 8. I know several people who have gone through it completely and they have good advice. 9. I'm relatively youthful, so I will have a better chance of recovery in terms of health and finances. 10. Medical technology has gone by leaps, and at least for MTFs the results are astounding. 11. No more hiding from how I feel---I do what I want to do because I like it. 12. I can stop living this dual life. 13. I will probably stop worrying about my weight as HRT will push things around into their "right" places. 14. See point #2 above. 15. I don't want to wander through the rest of my life wasting away my time. 16. I keep coming back to electrolysis. 17. Though it defies all logic, I still feel the same as I did as a child.

I've been in and out of the counselors' offices since late 1998. I went every other week in the beginning and then it tapered off to once a month and then I stopped for a while. I pretty much got what I needed to know in order to help me feel better about myself and now it's really up to me as how to proceed.
      Just a note: I think that counseling is a very good thing and I'd recommend it to anyone (not just for TG) just to get the problems out of your head.

Maybe, but probably not. The problem is that in this day and age we have no true test to determine if a person is truly a transsexual. What we do know is that there are quite a few people who have a strong enough conviction that they are female (or male in the FTM case) that becoming female solves their perceived gender conflict.
      So, if a person comes in and says that they have GID and their counselor encourages them to go out and explore the world as a woman, don't you think that that may be helping a person to make themselves into a transsexual? I'm sure you can probably find at least one case where the counselor has egged a person on enough that they eventually transition. But, if the patient has all their mental faculties in place, I think that it is still up to that patient to decide if they want to go through with the full transition.
      If a person were forced into transition then I think that they might eventually wake up and realize that they never truly wanted to change sex in the first place.
      I think people should be accountable for their actions and as adults we should be able to make our own choices. Counselors and other gender professionals are human, too, and they do make mistakes. Also there are people who purposely deceive them in order to get their letter.

To some extent, yes. I feel I've encountered very little resistance and have been led into a subculture that I never would have dreamed of entering. But, this a good thing, IMO. If I stayed within my "normal" world I would never have been able to assure myself which of my feelings were real. Going out in public as a woman would have only been a fantasy. I think after all of these experiences that I still have control of my life.

A concrete, medically legitimate diagnosis. What I got out of it was a lot of vagueness. I guess what I was seeking was someone to tell me what I am. The truth is that at the time of this writing (November 2000) there is no true medical test that can be performed on an individual to prove that they are TS or not. As a result I have to take the counselors' analysis and make my own decisions. I do have to say that the counselors helped me to narrow down my fears to specific points and to let me find a comfortable solution to each. Then going back to the counselors and bouncing my ideas off of them helped, too.
      I guess what we can all expect from counseling is a way to organize our thoughts when our brains are cluttered. (Human brains don't work too well if they have to juggle too many things.)

It's pretty much the same thing but the reason for the choice of words is that counselors come in all forms, licensed practicing therapists being one type of counselor. Sometimes the best, most knowledgeable people are not the licensed ones. Use your own judgement and take everyone's opinion with a grain of salt.

Nope.

And I still am. I know that sort of doesn't make sense. I think I was more non-sexual than anything else before, but I was involved in relationships with women at one point. Now that I'm on this side of the fence I think I'm attracted more to guys. Weird, eh?

Yes and yes. It's funny because I don't think of it in gay/straight terms. I am a girl, I'm looking for a guy. That's it.

For the right one, sure. Again, I don't put myself into a sexual-preference category.

No, and no. If I was gay life would have been a lot more simple. Alas, it seems not.

Yes. I dated women from about 15 to 27 and had a number of steady girlfriends. We found happiness and there are some real good memories in there. I still love most of those women.

Oh yes, totally enamored. I don't know why other than I think it was a bonding of souls. It's funny now because I look back at these girls and I remember the good times we had. But at the same time I wonder: what did I ever really feel with them because I'm just not attracted to them now.

Probably with a lifetime partner of the opposite sex (i.e. guys). This one I can't truly predict. It's just whenever the right person comes along I will just go with the flow.

Sure, no problems there. I don't know why it should be harder. I felt that if the right guy came along I wouldn't think twice.

Actually ... no. I really just don't. I know that most guys in this world think with the small head but I can't tell you why for sure. I never really had that sort of thing drive me and even though I tried to relate to the guys before, I just couldn't "get it". So in a way, I still don't know what it means to be a guy even though that was supposedly my past.

I used to think "not much", but the way I see it now is that it is a natural extension of one's attraction. But I still think that a relationship ought to be more than about physical contact.

Funny, I haven't. Maybe if I had not found the Internet and had had to wait another 20 years with all these feelings inside, I might have turned out that way, but I didn't. Honestly, the number of times I crossdressed before I set up this site in 1998 was one. (Honest!!!) And that happened to also be in fun with some other guys who wanted to do a cheerleading thing. But, I did volunteer to do it because I was interested, not because someone asked me.
      Hard to believe, maybe? I mean, after you might have read about so many other TG women who had worn their mother's or sister's clothes as kids, or who had stashed (and purged) their hordes of lingerie, dresses, and other female items, you might assume most TG are like that. But, no, I really didn't ever crossdress.

No, sorry. I'm totally boring. Next question please.

Yes, but I don't think of it as "oooo I'm wearing women's underwear! yippeee!!!". No, I think of it as "gee, it's getting warm so I'd better shop for some lighter stuff". I buy clothes because they look good and they suit my taste.

Nope. What's funny is that even if I put on some "guy clothes" it wouldn't change the fact that I'm all girl now. I think I've even removed the word "crossdressing" from my mental lexicon.

I didn't have much of a sexual attraction to women's clothing before and I still don't.

Totally depends on the situation. Most times no. Some times yes, but my version does not mean looking slutty. I'm more about style and grace now.

You'd think that. The more flamboyant ones get more airtime. Quite a number of TS/TG people think the way I do and also haven't seriously worn clothes of the opposite sex until close to transition.

I dunno. For fun sure. For experimentation sure. But as a full-time sort of thing, well, that's another story. I think that you shouldn't feel afraid to experiment no matter what you're curious about. There are always other people who share the same interests or will understand you need to explore. Many things about yourself can't be discovered until you've tried them.

Absolutely, but in a controlled manner. Keeping this kind of a secret to yourself is just killer on your nerves. It helps to tell people and let them work with you to find a mutually acceptable solution. It's best to do it one or two people at a time so you can deal with their issues---but if you do, make sure you get to as many people as possible in short order. People have a really hard time keeping secrets and it's better if everyone just knows and gets on with their lives. More advice is on these resource pages.
      Coming out is hard but well worth it. Of course, you should not consider coming out if you think it will put you in serious danger. Your health comes first!

Anyone you really care about. I think the personal touch of you coming to them with your story is a very good thing to do rather than them finding out through someone else. If you are thinking about coming out but don't know who to come out to, I'd say you might want to consider something like:

• On-line or in therapy first. This is a great way to remain relatively anonymous and begin gathering information.
  
  
• Partners, spouses, or significant others next. These are the people you are closest to, probably. Honestly in your relationship is probably a good thing. Face-to-face is a good method and also bringing along a letter of things you want to say---if you can't bring yourself to speak, you can always give them the letter and hang around to answer questions.
  
  
• Parents and close friends. Depending on how close is "close", you might want to do this. These people support you in an emotional capacity. I would do this face-to-face as well.
  
  
• Friends, acquaintances, relatives, close colleagues. These people are usually farther out from your daily life and you might find a few allies here.
  
  
• Workplace, social groups, and whoever else that you come in contact with. And these people are probably on the periphery of your social contact and should only be told if you think is appropriate.
  
  

I guess one way to summarize it is work from the closest to the most informal. But, one thing, once you really decide to come out to your friends I recommend trying to do it to as large a group as possible as quickly as possible. I ran into an odd problem where some people knew I was transgendered and some people didn't and the mental acrobatics and games we had to play with friends was just too much.

Since June 2003. What a month that was.

Actually they really come down to two things: 1) do I look and act like all other normal GGs my age, and 2) how's my voice doing. The first is actually mostly resolved because I know I do in fact look and act like the rest, albeit a little more geeky than some. But I know enough geeky/weird girls that I fit right in. Now, the second is just an ever-elusive thing that I don't know if I'll ever solve. You can't really change what you're born with and I ended up with a semi-deep voice. (Yeah, don't mind the fact that I'm short I still had almost an announcer-quality voice.) So, I'm always fighting that. I've attempted lots of voice training but haven't seen a professional. Maybe I should. I dunno. I try not to focus on this too much.

Yeah, for the most part. My only reservations are the could-have-beens. I think I could have survived as a guy and had a fulfilling life. But I often think that this is the easier route in the end because I am who I am. Like I said on the Me page, "I'm just trying to be myself and whatever shape/form that takes is how it is."

Search your soul for that honest truth of who you are, make a rough plan of how to get there, read up a few articles on the Net, and then get back into life. Every second you spend in transition is like being in a pit stop on the raceway. Everyone else is making progress towards their goals while you are stuck going nowhere. Get your parts changed, your tank refuelled, and get back on that speedway ASAP. Stop reading this site so you can live all the life that's out there.

Never, I think. I'm always going to be playing catch-up in some respect. Everything is always changing around me and yet I still have reminders of my past. Because I don't think I'll ever forget that I don't think I will ever feel I've left transition. But, if you're asking when am I going to feel a sense of normalcy such that I'm content with life. Well, in that case things are shaping up just fine.

Three reasons: maybe someone out there can learn from it, so so I can have some space to scribble my thoughts, and so I can have something prepared for family/friends when I come out to them. If you consider yourself to be TG then my story will probably have similarities to yours---I guess there are just some things that are common threads in our experiences.

Because I'm trying to be semi-stealth, that's why. It just so happens that this site is easy enough to find that it wouldn't be hard for someone who knows me in real life to eventually find their way here. If there were more detailed photos, well, then that would sort of expose the whole thing.

That is true. It's just that I'd rather be the one to break it to them then they reading it on their own, you know?

A chocolate-covered raspberry.

Because the blog is actually compiled on my home computers into a single piece of HTML. On this site there is no CGI to record your comments to it. Sorry! Maybe one of these days when I move to a site where I get full scripting capability I might add it in.

No.

African or European?

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