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me |
Introduction
Where does one really begin? Well, I'd like to enter a premise to start with. I once replied to a friend about this whole transsexuality deal that:
I guess the bottom line is that I'm not try to fool anyone, I'm just trying to be myself and whatever shape/form that takes is how it is.I don't know if what I have done is really right for me in the end but it's working for me now. A couple decades of personal experience have told me that I have to try this now or I'll regret not having done this later---there's a Rambling or two or three about that. Life is one of those things you can't ever really take for granted because you never know when the ride's going to be over, and so when you have an opportunity to make your life more compatible with how you do things then I say "go for it"! We don't have a lot of choice with how or where we're born, but we often have a choice of how to make the best of the situation. And now you get to read about how I've dealt with it.
So here you're reading the saga of a male-to-female transsexual (MTF TS) who believes she's got a pretty strong case of GID. I started researching things in 1998, found a therapist shortly thereafter, did group therapy, electrolysis, HRT, came out most everyone, finally went full-time in the middle of 2003, and finished surgeries by 2006. The story keeps growing and twisting and maybe one day I'll look back and say, "hey, it wasn't the easiest thing to do but it was the best decision I could have made." Let's hope, eh? But sometimes it helps to look at how it all got started to understand the choices made in the present.
In the beginning...
I was born into a pretty typical suburban family in a typical suburban neighborhood with the typical schools and typical neighbors. I have one younger brother and two good-natured parental units, one who is a graphic designer (a.k.a. artist) and the other a teacher. My dad worked long hours but was there for us and I remember riding my mountain bike with him and flying model rockets. My mom was a stay-at-home mom who cleaned house, packed lunches, and shuffled her kids off to school and sports. She made sure the TV never babysat me or my brother, though she never could make me make my bed.
And, yes, she ate cautiously
and did all the sort of careful stuff
during her pregnancy. So, I was a
relatively happy kid and not tormented with thoughts of suicide or having
my parents split up.I had a good public education from preschool through highschool---I only went private for college. I had a Benji lunchbox and Kangaroos shoes (the ones with Velcro straps). I ate chicken spread sandwiches and drained many a Capri Sun juice pak. I got good marks in almost all the classes. I guess it impressed someone since I've been in GATE, AP, and honors programmes since Grade 3. I was in all sorts of clubs and even on a Mock Trial team. I graduated high school and college magna cum laude and now have a decent job with decent benefits. (For now, hehe.)
I was pretty active sports-wise even though, yes, I am one of the more uncoordinated people out there---me being vertically challenged doesn't help much either. I really really sucked at them. My main sports were soccer, swimming, and running. I also did a lot of tennis and mountain biking, some karate and gymnastics. I always laughed at myself for even being on a couple of basketball teams when I was probably only about 4'11" at the time. Starting with middle school I was on intramural teams all the way into college. I have a competitive side but I usually do sports because I like to, not because I want to win. One thing is certain: I do not give up a fight easily. (Or maybe I'm just stubborn.)
I had a bunch of good friends and we did the usual soccer, play catch, board games, video games, sleepovers, watch TV, build Legos, skating rink stuff. Half of the friends were male, about half were female---the closer friends were from the male side. I remember the sleepovers, the birthday parties, the day trips, New Years parties, proms. In recent years you could find a bunch of us guys playing Quake, Warcraft, and Neverwinter Nights into the wee hours of the morning.
I have had the fortune to meet a few women who eventually became girlfriends. Believe it or not, probably starting when I was 15 through when I was 27 I was almost never not involved in a relationship for more than a couple of months! The love and the times we shared were genuine. They were relationships based on us being friends first and intimate second. Those were some very special times, one of the relationships lasting over five years. I miss not being with them sometimes but we've always separated amicably for different reasons. I still try to keep in touch once in a while because I'd hate to see our friendships go to waste.
By most people's standards I think I had it real good. I never went hungry, never got beaten up (got spit on by a racist once, but that's a different story), never got abused, never was violated, never into drugs or alcohol, never in fights, never was on time (um, another story too), never wore hand-me-downs, never was spoiled, and never got a speeding ticket. I wasn't the abused queer kid in school nor pressured by his parents to perform god-like academic feats. Nope I never really had a hard life. Still, I don't take anything for granted, I work hard, I don't prejudge anyone, and I try to stay in shape. I think I'm a relatively well-rounded person and by all accounts there doesn't seem to be anything wrong. But that's only half the story.
The other half of the story
That was the part my parents, teachers, and friends know. Heck, even I believed that's all I was for the longest while. But lurking behind that exterior of this well-adjusted career-minded guy was a terrified person with a raft of questions that had no answers. I keep a lot of things to myself and that's because I am one of those people who is constantly pondering the nature of everything around her. Maybe this stems mostly from the fact that I wonder about myself. Outwardly I (thought I) projected a pretty normal lifestyle---that's the half that everyone else saw. Inwardly I yearned for things I couldn't have and people I couldn't be with. In a phrase: I wanted to be one of the girls.
I carried this thought all of the time but it wasn't usually the foremost thought in my mind. It's that clichéd itch you can't scratch: it bothers you, you can't do anything about it, and you learn to find ways to ignore it. I knew from Day One I had the same plumbing (and its associated fixtures) that all the other boys had and I felt I was powerless to change it. I considered it my lot in life and since I didn't know there were people called "transsexuals" out there I just went about my business as usual.
I used to envy, copy, and idolize girls. My favorite people and my role models were predominantly female. It's hard to put into words how I felt but I used to watch them on the playground, at parties, in malls, in parks, at dances, and everywhere else wondering why I couldn't be like that. This has nothing to do with clothing, sexual orientation, an Oedipus Complex, or some grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side-thing I can assure you.
As a male I tried to walk the walk and talk the talk, and it just wasn't working. I really tried. I worked out, wore the things that other boys did, tried to take an interest in other guy-ish activities. But nothing really grabbed me; it wasn't my style. This is a personality thing which was fundamental to me.
Despite trying to live a "normal" life I always felt I was at odds with people. I don't mean that I was rebellious but rather I never felt I fit in no matter what I did. I had lots of little incidents and quirks which I'm sure came off weird to other people. If you glance at the lists in the FAQ I'm sure you'll be thinking "so what, lots of guys do this stuff". Yes, you're right. Things I listed are not exclusively for one gender or another. But, do you know any guy who does all of them? Again, I see the quirks as symptoms of something deeper bubbling up to the surface.
As a result of this I found myself buried in studies, always hanging out with the "out" crowd, never really understanding the testosterone-driven feelings of my fellow males, was pretty shy, and approached most situations with a "soft" angle. When I was with groups of friends I still felt alone. The sports I liked best tended to be very individualistic. Technology and music were my voice because they are pretty blind to gender.
Dispelling disbelief
I am a skeptic about most everything especially when it comes to things that do not have tangible proof. I knew how I felt but didn't know if it was caused by something else. It took at least 2 solid years (late 1998 to early 2000) for me to stop kidding myself. During these two years I did a lot of web surfing, a bit of therapy with two gender professionals, and a lot of thinking. I won't bore you here with all the logic and dealing fears that I went through---a good chunk of it is captured in the Ramblings. Let's just say that at the end of this self-discovery process I was mentally prepared for change but still skeptical.
In fact, I think I'll always wonder whether I've chosen my path correctly. But I'll never really know. I don't think, though, that it bothers me anymore because I feel I'm in a happier, warmer, more real place than I was before. No therapist or friend pushed me. I've come here mostly on my own. Correction: I've been here in my dreams and now things are now coming into the Real World.
I sometimes look back and wonder why I didn't trust myself more, why I didn't see this before, why it took me so long to arrive here. I catch myself moments later and realize that I probably couldn't have done it any faster. I don't think the circumstances would have aligned in the right way previously, and I think I've gained a lot of experiences that would not have been possible had I not waited this long. I think I've got more mental and physical fortitude and while I probably could have attempted transition in my teens I realize that I might have crumbled under the pressure.
This is going to sound like a cult thing but it's not: I believe in my inner self now. It has been whispering to me from under layers I built to hide it. It has taken five years to truly deconstruct those layers. I don't feel like I'm wearing a mask now or pretending. Even if these things were things that I made up, the fact is that they are fading into distant memory now.
I never jumped into transition immediately; I waited and stalled. But there was just some point where I realized that stalling wasn't acceptable. I saw T* friends pass me by. They changed their names, got their facial work, SRS, marriage, etc. And I stood still. Then what moved me was a simple thought:
If I do nothing, what am I losing by waiting?It wasn't just transition that was passing me by: it was that life was passing me by. Every moment I waited was a moment lost and another moment in hiding or suppression of who I knew I was. I was stuck in a boring rut and I knew it. I wasn't convinced that transition was the right thing but I solidified in my mind that doing nothing was downright silly. I asked myself a second question:
If I never do anything, will I regret having not transitioned later in life?"Yes" was the answer my heart replied. I don't want regrets, and doing something or not doing something could create regret anyways. So I figured I'd give transition a shot. And baby steps were taken...
It's not that I was ever the also-clichéd "woman trapped in a man's body", I'd like to think it was my inner spirit which has been filtered through a masculine sieve that made me think I appeared more masculine. Now I don't use that filter so much any more. I feel freer, less pressured, and more connected to everything around me. It's a wonderful feeling.
Surviving transsexuality is teaching me one thing: it's OK to be yourself. We're all different and unique and we have to find that essence in our souls and nurture it. When we embrace it we become more real people. Regardless of what comes my way in the future I'm hoping that I will deal with it honestly with my honest self.
The next phase
I was going to call this section "In conclusion", but you know what? There is no end in these pages. Transition is just that: a phase. In this case it's a way to effect a positive change and hopefully point you in a better direction. And so the saga continues...
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