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	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

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ramblings

Two Hour Boy
2002.11.09

WARNING: This is not a happy Rambling. Advise getting a box of Kleenex before continuing.

Oh, where does one begin when they've been felled with a mortal blow? I guess an introduction would be in order.

If you have read the Ramblings then you might have gathered that my parents are not at all pleased that their son is announcing that he is making a transition. No, this is not recent news. I actually told them back in October of 2000. I had given my Mom a little talk, she told Dad, Dad said he was with me, I gave them the True Selves book, and then we chatted on and off. I knew they were struggling but they gave no indication of outright rejection. Still to this day they have been very little resistance---they said that they would be around to support me. But I had yet another chat with Mom and things are coming to a head, fast and hard.
I'm hitting what almost appears to be an impenetrable wall of rejection. No, they are not screaming at me or throwing things at me. But they have drawn their line in the sand and I am beginning to bump up against it. "No more!" they say. They will not have a part in it. It is too difficult, to horrid. I am becoming unwanted in their eyes. And it pains me to see that they (or at least my Mom's representation of both of them) are unwilling to go further.

The guilt trip begins.

The crushing weight of guilt is enough to make one mad some days. Don't worry, I'm keeping my cool, but I'm taking pause right now to assess the situation. I'm not stopping; I can't stop without effort. But my parents want me to stop. They want their child back. And they use guilt as the weapon.

"You know Dad is having a very hard time with this. You're putting stress on Dad's health. And mine too."

"You are throwing away all the money and time we spent on raising a son."

"You are going to be alone. We're not going to be around to help you."

"I don't want to see you as a woman in this house."

"What will my family think? They love you the way you are."

"I just can't agree with what you're doing."

"You will always be my son."

"I don't think I want grandchildren now."

Oh, no, that's not enough. As if I wasn't feeling down about me hurting my parents, let's add to this some direct jabs aimed at moi:

"I've seen these (pause) people (pause) and they don't look very convincing."

"Let's just say you're not the most beautiful girl."

"You're going to end up alone."

"You're never going to have an honest relationship."

"There will always be the clue. Maybe the way you move. Or your voice. Or something. You can tell."

"You may think you're happier now but you may not find happiness."

"Hormones are messing with your brain. You can't think straight. Your judgement isn't as sharp anymore."

They are in a blocking mode and will not move past it. I tried to counter her statements with little success tonight.

"I'm not going to put myself in harm's way. I'm don't do dangerous things like flirt with guys when I know I'm not a whole girl yet."

"I'm happier now that I've started taking steps towards my transition."

"This is not a phase. I have never grown out of this."

I tried encouranging dialogue. I tried asking them to participate, but they can't get past the point that I will end up an utter failure.

"Mom, you and Dad have done nothing wrong. You've done so much that is right. You've managed to produce a very well-rounded kid. People say that I'm one of the most grounded people they know. Sure, you were not perfect parents, but who is? You did the best with what you had and I have taken so many good lessons from both of you."

"What if I told you that in many situations people don't know I'm not a girl?"

"There have been many successful people who have made this transition. I'm not going to end up a freak."

"I don't want to say like I'm making an ultimatum but I am going forward with this. I want to do this. I need to do this for myself."

"I am taking this very slowly. I have thought this through many times. I am being cautious."

I even tried bending towards my Mom's logic, but it didn't evoke much:

"Yes, I will always be your son regardless of what happens."

"I understand that I am causing you a lot of stress. I am sorry."

"I wasn't looking for outright acceptance. But I was really hoping that you'd come along with me on this journey. I was hoping that you'd be able to at least meet me halfway on this."

In the end it was a no go. My Mom laid down her line and with very clear words. She said that she and Dad will not accept me as a woman. Ever. She hoped it was a phase. Maybe there is another way to do it like crossdressing. She says that should I ever get to a point where I start looking more like a girl I will no longer be welcome in the house. When I come over, I should respect their wishes and show up like a man. I'm only over for two hours or so each time anyways, and at least I can do is honor their wishes for those two hours. She added:

Whatever you do in your private life is your business. But when you come over to this house you are our son. You know the consequences of what you are doing.

This is so not what I needed right now. I thought I was just beginning to get a second wind in my life to deal with my personal and work issues. And now my parents have to pull this. I am no longer so sure how to proceed. I'm so hoping there's a way to help them come around to the idea, but I don't know how. I used most of the techniques I could think of but in the end they were unable to move past their current point.
      It's not like I didn't believe that they might turn their backs on me. I was not quite expecting that I would have these long drawn out conversations with them where they seemed to be OK at first and then they've moved into a position of noncommittal and nonparticipation.
      For one of the first times in a long while I've actually had a couple of moments where I thought about stopping transition. If I continue I'm hurting my parents. I don't want to hurt them. But if I don't transition or at least continue to do something I know I'll implode. Then I thought about it and realized it's silly to stop.
      It's silly because I have to live my life for me. My Dad went on his own at 18. My Mom moved away from her family too. My brother is out somewhere far away from home. We're all loners and rebels in our own ways. Each of us is following our own path, and it's an unpopular one. I have to be comfortable with who I am and where I am going. I am feeling more comfortable as time goes by and I'm not sure I want to give it up.
      Can I really give up transition? Knowing now what I know about myself I don't know if I can ever go back to a time of ignorance. My Amber side of my personality has been there every minute of my existence and it has always leaked out in so many ways; my friends admit that I had the strangest quirks out of many guys they know and the transition thing seems to make sense. It makes sense to me. Why can't I get my parents to see it in a similar light?
      I feel alone now, abandoned. It's like my safety net just got yanked out from me. I didn't know what to say when she said that to me and I don't know what to say now. I was so hoping that they'd be more open to things but they're closing the door. I don't even know if we'll make it through the holidays at this point. I'm hoping that we'll at least get by the winter birthdays and maybe Thanksgiving, just a couple of weeks away.

I'm all Rambled out now. I'm tired, hungry, moody, and emotionally spent. I guess I should probably get some sleep, because that seems to make things go better. Maybe I'll have a decent lunch with some friends and that'll help. Wish me luck. No, wait. I don't need luck. I need solutions. Wish me solutions.