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Two Hour Boy
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To: Mom & DadThanks to many people's responses I've gathered a bit of a different perspective on the issue. I think I'll soften this up a little. A thought did cross my mind, though: I may give them both versions of the letter. So, the main version will be softer and more emotional, and the above letter might be used as an informational supplement.
Subj: Stinger
Hi,
Thanks for the chat yesterday. I'm not very pleased with your position, but at least I know where you stand. I also realize this isn't easy; I wouldn't expect you to suddenly rush forward with open arms. If I was in the same position, even I'd have issues dealing with me.I believe I understand both of your feelings, but I think you should know how I feel right now. I would really appreciate it if you can both take the time to read and respond to this. I know it's long, but I want you to hear things that I couldn't think of saying in our conversations.
I was really hurt by what you said. If you ever want to make me feel ugly, unwanted, and unloved, you can try that approach again. Your reasons against me struck right at the very fears that I loathe so much. I have spent a good amount of time trying to convince myself that I will not be some marginalized freak that will be killed the moment I set foot outside my door. I went home last night almost in tears, you know. In the end I flopped down in my bed from mental exhaustion.
The thing that bothers me most about the situation is that we've reached a dead-end in our conversation, despite those first few days where you both listened with open ears. I was really hoping that I'd be able to tell my side of the story so you could understand how deep the problem runs. Instead, there's been a line drawn in the sand. There was no attempt to learn about the condition of gender identity dysphoria (GID), or speak with my counselor, or truly explore to my past. I feel the conversations have been very one-sided.
Gathering information from popular media through various channels like the radio, the Ricki Lake Show, Oprah, and anecdotal tales from who-knows-where gives a slanted view of me and other transgendered folks. We are not all going to end up slain after a party like the Novato guy/girl. I can see how you would conclude that transsexuals can't ever be successful or free of harm based upon a foundation of partial-truths like these. That is to say, the media does bring up valid points, but we have to keep in mind that the media doesn't usually focus on the good things that happen to people in my predicament. It isn't newsworthy. It's downright boring!
The truth is there are many very capable and successful people who have transitioned from male to female---I am hardly a pioneer. Like Lynn Conway who had a big part in the CPU that you have in your computer. Or Jennifer Leitham, an accomplished jazz bassist. How about the distinguished economics professor, author, lecturer Dierdre McCloskey? Plus, many others we'll probably never hear of because a good number of people don't like to keep a high profile.
And medical science? True, I am also a bit leery about the so-called "professionals" who help get transitioners their body-altering medication and surgeries. However, we have had decades of usage and improvement. This is becoming a recognized problem considering there is transgendered representation with global gay and lesbian groups. Not to mention the inclusion of nondiscrimination policies being instituted at the corporate (e.g. Apple, Intel, Kodak, Xerox) and city (e.g. New York, Iowa City, Rhode Island, San Francisco) levels. Even newspapers like the San Francisco Chronicle now are saying:
The recent murder of Gwen Araujo, part of a national epidemic of violence against transgender people, presents an opportunity for all of us to examine our attitudes about gender, gender expectations, discrimination based on gender identity and individual and institutional responsibility.Another recent article points out:
...
The San Francisco Human Rights Commission, the municipal department that enforces the city's anti-discrimination ordinances, played a significant role in the passage of the gender identity discrimination law in 1994. It has enforced that law since it took effect in January 1995 and has assisted hundreds of transgender people who have alleged discrimination in employment, housing and public accommodations.
...
Let's stop being hung up on anatomy and birth certificates -- transgender people are entitled to be seen as who they are, not how others want to see them.
"All we need to know about gender", Larry Brinkin, San Francisco Chronicle (Friday, Nov 8, 2002)
For transgendered youth, life is a cruel choice: Either you live a lie in fear, or risk ostracism, brutality and death for being the person you are inside. Contrary to popular belief, a person's gender identity is not dictated by anatomy.It is not our imagination. Transsexuality really does exist. The question is how do we deal with it once we know it exists?
...
In Gwen's case, her family generally supported her, although it was obvious that they were having some degree of difficulty adjusting to the change. For the vast majority of transgender youth, that kind of family support and understanding simply doesn't exist. If the teens are honest about their feelings to their parents, many become the victims of abuse and violence from their own families in a misguided attempt to "cure" them. Other families disown and throw their own kids to the wolves simply because they do not fit into a millimeter-wide slot of their gender role.
"A sad, familiar tale", Rosalyne S. Montgomery, San Francisco Chronicle (Friday, Nov 8, 2002)
You may think me to be normal young male like all the others, but people see something different in me. I've always been on the weird side and have received funny looks since my early years. I was trying hard to be like "one of the guys"; many of my close friends have been wondering if I was gay. People always thought it odd how a guy like me was a juxtaposition of masculine indifference and feminine sensitivity. Somehow my attempts to be "normal" just don't come across the right way. I can tell you that these past few years have been an epiphany and a liberation from something that stifled me for so long. I breathe easier now.
At times it does seem like the transition from male to female is unthinkable. That is, unless you experience what it is to live in my shoes. Then it is a stretch but not impossible. I'm fortunate for having a strong foundation as a child; you did not do anything wrong. This is not your fault and there may very well be biological evidence in the difference of brain structures which may explain why I am the way I am. Unfortunately we can't get inside the wiring of my brain with current technology and so you'll have to trust what I say.
I'm not sure where to go from here. Time is sort of "of the essence"; we can't just sit on the issues and hope they resolve themselves because things are in motion and they do have a certain kind of momentum. It's up to us to come to understand what the problem is and how it can be solved in a relatively safe, plausible manner. Many (dare I say thousands?) parents and children have gone through this---why can't we?
Just for the record, I don't plan on making any big ruckus or complicating your lives. You guys know that I'm always trying to be considerate of your well-being. I also recognize that these are very busy, stressful, chaotic times with the birthdays and holidays fast approaching. I will try my best to work with you on this. I hope you'll continue to let us have these kind of discussions into the future. For right now, maybe we can begin with this letter.
w/ love,
__________ (Boy Name)
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