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ramblings |
About Face
2002.05.10
One of the cool things about the support group I go to is that it isn't just about talking about what's going on in our lives. We have guest speakers who come in and talk about their experiences with their transition, legal matters, surgery options, and more.
Yesterday's meeting included Dr. Ousterhout who performs FFS. He went over the various types of procedures and put up quite a number of examples of his work. Everything from the scalp advancement down to the chin repositioning. Remove a little bit of this, fill in a little bit of that ... voila! A neatly feminized face.
This was actually the second time that I've seen him speak in person. (The first was actually at this very same support group only it was about three years ago. That's another story.) Ever since first meeting him I've been wondering if I should do it.
Everyone has things about their face that they don't like. I don't care if you are into total self-acceptance about the features and structure that you were given at birth; there is something. Now, most people don't care enough to even entertain the thought of having someone disassemble and then reassemble their face. Really, it's not a pleasant thought. But for the MTF TS feminization is a big deal.
Unless you transition really early or have the luck to have good genes, most likely you're going to have masculine features on your face. Some people are OK with that; many TSs look just fine without having to do anything radical! Then there's those of us who look in the mirror and think, "hm, it would help if this wasn't here or that was just a little more like this..."
I have things I'd like to get "fixed" like my brows, back corners of the jaw, nose, and trachea. I guess the question is if it is worth the expense and risk. It is expensive and it is permanent and it is not 100% guaranteed. Do I really need this?
I'm not in desperate need to get these things altered, and I don't even know if I'm still going to follow through with transition (as I always seem to say). I mean, people tell me I can probably do fairly well. I seem to have no major problems when out in Amber Mode even when standing right next to another GG. And when I look in the mirror I think I can make what I've got work for me. But there is just something amiss. You know?
Things are mostly in the right places, but they're slightly off. Just a little larger here. I compare myself to other Asian women and also to the females in my family. I have a pretty good idea what would make me fit in just a little bit better. None of the changes I'm requesting will radically change my look in any manner. Nope, the biggest changes will probably result from HRT, not FFS, because of the general skin condition change and fat redistribution.
I'm thinking that I'd like to get these small problems taken care of. Maybe this year, maybe next. I think I might have the cash, but I want to avoid getting any more into debt than I am. (Though I'm proud to say I do not [yet] carry any credit card balances. My debt comes from other sources.) I want to take the edges off my masculine face to nudge me more squarely in the realm of females.
Maybe it's really a case of my insecurity. I think Kate said it best:
Overall, I love the results from surgery. I finally look like me, the way I've always felt. I'm not a beauty queen, but I'm cute. I wasn't actually ugly before but I was more masculine than I found comfortable.I'm not quite comfortable. I can make do, as I always have, but I don't want to just make do. Part of the transitioning process is fixing that which you think is wrong. If I'm going to be changing my life around why can't I spend a little more time and resources to make myself as comfortable as possible? I guess it might be that I still see parts of the guy side of me that I'd like to remove or at least downplay. I don't want to get rid of my look to become someone I'm not. I just want something more delicate, a bit cuter. Erhmm.. It's sorta hard to put into words, but I think you get the sentiment.
Now I'm debating if I should go and have a consult with Dr. O. That means I have to get X-rays. It means I need to travel to the City. It means that I am yet one more step closer to really doing the transition thing.
It's scary when I think about it in this perspective. Am I really getting that close to letting go of the life I've led all this time to try my hand at a life I have little experience in yet pine for? I used to be pretty adverse to surgeries, and now I'm getting warm to the idea that it's just one possible part of the process.
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