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Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

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ramblings

All For Nothing?
2003.07.09

One day I wonder if I'll look back at this whole process and wonder: why the heck did I go through all that? I feel just fine. Was all this hoopla for naught? Then again, maybe that's the point.

When you're comfortable with the way things are you may forget the strife which once existed. It's like anti-depressants. You stop taking it and you fall back into the cycle of pain. I guess transition is supposed to be the largest anti-depressant out there.
I think a lot about this issue because I've always been searching for the root cause of my discomfort with my life. It's tough to diagnose because (at least with me) it's all subtleties, no extreme signs. I'd like to think I had learned various coping skills, as we all do. But there are just some things which are fundamental to oneself that can't be mitigated by coping or altered by medication.
I was frustrated with my role in life and so I tried transition. I remember thinking many times "if I was to be reborn I'd definitely be a girl". Or, when I'd be doing stuff with other women "hey, if I were a woman, I'd be doing things this way instead of that way." And even when I was with other girls: "this just feels right but I can't explain why." Now I'm not frustrated with my role, I'm more frustrated that I can't be perfect at it. But, hey, that's me.

And, as I'm learning, there are so many people with more serious body image issues that it almost makes my concerns seem insignificant.

Was it a good tradeoff? Well, right now if you ask me it's a tough call because I'm riding the ups and downs of having just hit full-time. But maybe I'll ruminate a couple of years hence and we'll see where I stand. I think that at the very least I can say that I like this role better, for whatever reasons or preconceived notions I've had about female life. In many ways I find myself thinking now, "this feels right." I just have to accept that I will never be a perfect woman because, quite frankly, there are no perfect women. But are there happy women? Ah, I hope to be one of them.