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ramblings |
Cats on the Grid: a Pre-RLT
1999.10.29
| Warning: this is a very long rambling. It describes an interesting chat I had with a friend I came out to, and it puts forth my reasoning to defend who I think I am inside. |
Hm... If it looks like cat, purrs like a cat, and feels like a cat, maybe it is a cat. Or maybe it's some animal in a really good disguise pretending to be one.
I am naturally part scientist. When I am approached with an unknown problem at work, school, or home, I immediately try to check it out. I stare and prod it from all different angles trying to determine what it is. I put it through different situations, and hopefully come to conclusions about what it is and how to solve it. So, if it looks like something then it just maybe it is.
In terms of gender issues, I have spent the last year exhausting all the possibilities I can think of. Just read some of the other ramblings and you can see how I'm looking for problems in the areas of childhood, school, work, parents, community, sexuality, etc. Now, after all this I have sort of come to the conclusion that it is probably a true case of gender dysphoria. What to do about that is a topic for another time, but at least for now I'm still working on the questions of "who/what do I want to be" and "do I really have a problem?"
Tonight I was a nervous wreck, although I hope I didn't come across that way. (Later in the night I was just trembling.) I told a very good friend (let's call that person "Z") that I'd like to meet up for dinner and maybe go for a little walk afterwards. Well, tonight I did just that and came out to that friend. Z was understanding, asked many good questions, gave me some more things to think of, but best of all said that Z would still respect my decisions. You can't imagine how much that means to me. (Z, if you're reading this, I sincerely thank you.) The world really does need more people like you in it.
Anyhow, that individual brought up a very good point that maybe I'm looking at myself like the cat. Just because I show many of the signs of GID, it doesn't necessarily imply that I am. I completely agree. I can only say that I am likely to be a TS due to my limited testing. Maybe it's the case that my tools for prodding my psyche are just not refined enough and I'm coming up with the wrong answers! Hey, I work with the best tools I know of and there is a very real possibility that I am misinterpreting things. (My gut feeling says I'm not, but until I defeat this hypothesis I can't deny it.)
Z's suggestion was one that I do plan to do: seek the opinion of other professions in and out of the gender business. I need to enlist the help of other therapists and psychologists who have honed tools of their own to go into my brain and tell me what's wrong. I'll openly admit: I am no professional when it comes to understanding the human brain; I can only tell you what I know about myself from what I can see. So, if I make the wrong decision in the end, I'll just have to say that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at that time.
What do I hope to uncover that I don't already know? Z has a pretty sharp intellect, and said that I may be trying too hard to rationalize something. As Z put it, maybe it's the good ol' Occum's Razor (William of Occum, circa 1285-1349 BC) at work:
Essentia non sunt multiplicanda praeter nessitatem.This can be taken, of course, in two ways:
(Very roughly translated from Latin: the simplest answer is probably the right one.)
- I am truly female in spirit, or
- I'm making a problem out of something that isn't a problem
Z noted that I seem to have these culturally-created ideas about what we label as for boys and for girls, and they sort of end up on this big grid. It is filled with all of these stereotypes about what I can and cannot do based on my birth sex. So, when I don't find things that fit on the male half of the grid, a mental flag goes up that says "aha! You're doing girlie stuff again, aren't you?" Well, you get enough of these flags on that grid screaming at you and you begin to think: well maybe I really do have a problem. But maybe that problem isn't GID. Maybe the problem is that I am so worried about the male vs. female comparison itself.
When Z brought this up, I didn't have a good answer. I still don't know if I have a good one, but I at least have one. I'll try to explain it in the way of a test.
Let me begin by throwing away all of my concerns of gender. Let me say that at this point in time, I don't give a care as to what people think of me in the way that I act. Okay, so no more "masks" for me to wear, no more pretending on who I think I should be as expected by society, no more pigeonholing of traits or activities into neat "male" or "female" grid boxes. Remove me from my currently known friends, family, colleagues, and other people I know so that I'm basically starting over. Give me the same type of job that I'm doing now and let's say that the time is in the late spring. And, finally, give me my male body...
What we've done now is created a "me" where I feel empowered to do anything I want and no one will ever criticize me for anything. In essence we have a truly free world. Now, the point of this experiment is to see what I would become given my natural inclinations. It's sort of like putting a bear in a cage and putting out two bowls of food: one meat and one vegetables. Which way will the bear (me) go?
- Ordinary work day:
Well, I would roll out of bed, shower, make up my bed, anchor my shoulder-length hair with small clips or a scrunchie, and apply the usual SPF 15 daily moisturizer. I'd go find my favorite tank top, a big fluffy sweatshirt (it gets cold in the office!), and a clean pair of jeans. I run to the fridge, grab my yogurt and a banana, and head out the door to work. I'm late to my meeting, but afterwards I head over to my cube to check e-mail. After a few minutes I stop by and chat with a few friends (probably mostly women) and see who's up for lunch. I do my work stuff, have lunch, go to the bathroom, work some more, yawn, check the stocks, log off, and go home. I stop by the supermarket and grab some stuff to make a healthy dinner or I get some food to-go. I go home, talk to my roommates, watch TV, play on the computer, read a book, practice piano, change into my jammies, brush my teeth, and go to bed (forgetting to set my alarm for tomorrow's meeting I'm going to almost miss). Repeat 4 or 5 days a week, throw in a movie night, add some green tea ice cream, make a trip to the cleaners, and shake well.
- Ordinary weekend:
Go out for a walk or hit the gym. Dust, vacuum, clean the kitchen, or Windex the glass. Go shopping for summertime clothes---hey, I could always use a new pair of shoes or some tops.:PI would look around for some more flowers for the dining room table, or stop by some arts and crafts shop for cute ornaments or a scented candle. I might get a bunch of people together and go golfing or tennis. Hey, even a trip to the picnic grounds wouldn't be bad. I'd go for a facial, a massage, or a waxing (eek!) if I felt up to it. I might pop into Costco to see what bargain bulk items I could buy but don't need---of course I'm just there to eat the free samples. I'd stop by a Border's bookstore or Tower Records to see what's new. I'd go for coffee with friends and catch up on what everyone else is doing. Maybe I'd go out to a concert or play. Occasionally a couple of us may go for a short trip somewhere.
- Ordinary relationship:
I'd meet up with that special person, go out to do something, have dinner, cuddle, talk about nonsense, play games with other friends, etc. I would hope that person loves me for the person I am inside regardless of what I look like on the outside.
What I left out in this case is how I actually feel at each of these moments. And it is this feeling which I think is what is driving my decision. It's not the fact that there are girl activities and boy activities anymore. I'm beginning to analyze what I feel at each point of the journey and, more importantly, why I do what I do.
You see, I've been very fortunate to live in a climate which accepts all of this behavior as relatively normal behavior for guys, where I'm not really seen as being less of a male at all. I have never had my manhood challenged yet. One could say, the reason why there is no problem is because my environment allows me to (mostly) integrate my desires with my livelihood. If that is truly the case, then why am I still feeling a bit uncomfortable with my current life?
Let's start with the physical body. For one, I really don't appreciate mine much. As I've mentioned in other writings, I don't hate what I was given, but I would prefer something else. (Why? I just like the look better.) So, yes, that entails everything from head to toe. You could say that then I should be deriving psychological satisfaction from the visual image and physical feelings of the female body, maybe which were ingrained in me at an early age. I don't know. Maybe. But I know what I like when I see it.
Okay, now we deal with feelings. I'm not doing too badly now, but I would like to have the social permission to express a greater range of feelings. Now, I can do this in male mode just fine, but I know the reactions of other people will either be (1) I'm becoming very effeminate or (2) I'm acting like a woman (but not effeminately). That is social criticism I don't need. Of course, a few people will just think that is my personality and not care, but I care that it just won't be perceived as being "normal". Here is where we can say that my male/female grid-pigeonholing comes into play because I've mentally categorized what is acceptable male behavior. Well, I do have to consider this. And this brings us to social interaction.
If I present myself the wrong way then I almost certainly will not meet other "normal" guys---I simply wouldn't fit in those social circles. So, today I wear a "mask" in order to pass as just "one of the guys". It keeps me out of trouble but I'd rather not have to wear it. With certain people or situations I can drop the mask, but with most other people I must wear it if I am to get by. I know that if I were in female mode, I probably would not draw the same type of criticism because it is more accepted as the norm. (Not everywhere, mind you, but at least within my local environment.)
One of the key elements holding me back from going further along this journey is something I keep coming back to. I live in a very supportive and diverse environment where traditional gender roles do not apply. I sympathize with those people who are stuck in cities or countries where the gender lines are heavily, clearly drawn. Out here on the crazy West Coast of the USA we accept differences and, by in large, get along with each other pretty well. We come from so many backgrounds that you just simply can't say one thing is more normal than another---except for grievous acts like murder, rape, or suicide. So why must I continue to believe that there are gender lines I need to abide by?
Actually, I don't. And that's what I'm planning to test.
There comes a time when words and thoughts no longer suffice to provide us with that necessary data we can use to make our decisions. The area of human feelings is so nebulous that you can't go up to somebody and say "hey, why do you feel that way?" Well, the answer often is "because I like it" or "because I hate it". Are you going to argue with that? Sometimes we can pick out trauma or other misinformation which lead people to think in certain ways, but the true area of feelings I find I cannot describe. So, I will let my actions speak for themselves.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to start transition or anything that permanent. But, I've come to that fork in the road of life where I say I can't go further with the information that I have, so I must try a different approach. Besides seeking other people's opinions, I am going to revive something I promised myself back in the middle of high school: I will do what I want when I want not for anyone else but for myself. Also, don't confuse this with being selfish because my relationships with everyone else should remain pretty much the same. But, it's more the case that I'm going to do away with notions of gender and I'm going to open myself up to trying to live a freer lifestyle. If I feel like buying something I'll buy it. If I want to do something, I'll go out and do it. This will all be done within reason (i.e. no purchasing of large computers or getting skirts), however. I know I do not have the physical build to wear certain types of clothing, but that's okay because I don't really care for it all that much.
The point of this experimentation is to choose reversible, semi-androgynous things that best represent who I want to be. I will not bar myself from expressing my personality; I will drop the masks I use when it does not present a physical danger---c'mon, we still have to be somewhat sensible. You can think of this as a "pre-RLT", akin to the PSAT/NMSQT and SAT tests.
Let the games begin.
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