amberspace

Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

home · updates · writings: blogger ramblings · experiences: timeline thinking deep going out coming out procedures ffs srs meds voice legal stuff tips/advice · resources: links glossary · about: transsexuality me (faq) amberspace · contact

ramblings

Changes 2
2002.08.25

What you are about to witness is no ordinary dessert. Do not be fooled by its compact size! Within this small package lies some of the most dense material known to Man! Without further ado, I now submit for your review the following, Exhibit A and Exhibit B:


Exhibit A: Triple Layer Chocolate Bundt Cake		Exhibit B: Cake cross section.

Do not adjust your monitor. You are not dreaming. This is a triple layer chocolate bundt cake from Trader Joe's. As if a single layer of chocolate wasn't enough, now you have three layers. A spongy chocolate cake draped with a dreamy chocolate fudge topping peppered with dozens of Ghiradelli chocolate chips. Yes, it is a mountain of sinful delights measuring over 4 inches in diameter, standing almost 3 inches in height! Dentists quiver at the very mention of its name. Thus, in some circles you may now know Exhibit A by its nickname: Chocolate Death.

And now for the part you're going to hate me for.

I have been eating crap like this for the past few weeks. I started back on my "diet" of excessive amounts of pasta, Pepsi Twist, chocolate, string cheese, Vietnamese pho with fatty flank, Taco Bell, McDonalds, and other high calorie/high fat foods. Even with the triple layer bundt cake (which probably has like 140,000 calories) I've noticed one very odd thing: I'm losing weight. I kid you not. Since the end of high school up until about a month ago I was almost consistently between 129 lbs and 134 lbs. However, in the past few weeks my weight has been dropping to about 125. Even eating this most detestable diet.
So what is the difference? I can't say for sure but I think I'm beginning to experience some fat loss around the waistline. Something is happening there because my girl jeans and some other clothes are becoming more comfortable to wear. Go figure. I'm probably also losing muscle mass. I just hope I don't have some other hidden health problem.

What else is new and interesting? Impotence. Oh, no, no, no, I'm just kidding. Well, actually, no I'm not. But more on that later. Let's focus on hair. Specifically body hair. I have been shaving my legs every now and then and usually by about the end of the first day the hair has grown back just shy of 1 mm. Nowadays to get 1 mm of growth we're looking at about 2 days. The leg hair just seems to be growing back more slowly. That and the fact my skin is getting a bit softer actually seems to make my legs look smoother.

Speaking of skin getting softer, there are certain areas which amaze me. The

Exhibit C: Evil Amber

other day I was just looking at my face in the mirror and for the heck of it I just sort of scruched up my face. What I saw back actually took me by surprise. (Eeek! It's a monster!!! Ruuuuuuuuuuunnnnn.... j/k) The skin texture is definitely changing. Before I used to just see some big wrinkles and creases when I scrunched up. Now the skin becomes really really wrinkled like plastic food wrap, especially on my nose bridge. Thousands of little folds and creases instead of some big creases. My guess is that because the skin is getting softer and thinner that the skin more easily folds, hence the micro-wrinkles. Weird.

OK, back to the "staying power" problem. Yup. It's darned difficult now. So, as a warning to all you out there looking to get on HRT, expect Mr. Johnson isn't going to be playing in the game but rather sitting on the bench. It has been just over two months since the first application of estradiol patches and I'm on a relatively low dose. Not that I really miss it or anything, but it's something else to get used to.

Finally: personality. It's probably more psychological release than anything else, but I can't help wonder if the estrogen is starting to affect my brain. I'm definitely more ditzy when in Girl Mode, I've started to cry when laughing (that never happened before), I blush (which is also new), and my emotions are starting to have a wider fluctuation (very new). I used to be known as the calm and collected one who could do an impenetrable poker face. I'm starting to lose that ability. I'm finding myself becoming more excited in a debate and when I'm sulking I really sulk. My ability to concentrate is also waning a bit.
I was told about all of these things before but it's a lot different when you can actually experience them. Transgendered friends have said that the changes probably within your emotions and perception of life may change even more drastically than your body---though the body is what everyone else sees. The hormone shift triggers different parts of your brain. It's not like I didn't have emotions before but it was more like I didn't feel pain. Now it's like my body is awakening as a whole and with it comes a whole new dimension of experiences that I could never conceive.

By the way, I never could finish that triple layer cake. It was just too rich. I'm telling you, Chocolate Death is such an appropriate name...