Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and
transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber,
a post-transition MTF TS.
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Can I speak honestly? This is a forum for honesty, right? Today's topic:
moving on.
It's no secret that one day I'll probably disappear from the Net and
from the community-at-large at least
as far as my TG presence is concerned. Dealing with one's emotions, goals,
and medical regimen is time-consuming and arduous. It always seems that
there is something else to do, somewhere else to be, or some medication to
take. It really makes a lot of us put our lives on hold for the short-term
out of necessity. So what about when our lives start to become simpler?
What about after much of the transition is falling into distant memory?
What ghosts of its presence linger on?
I'm moving into a mental space where I had one day hoped to be. The space
which says: you're all girl now, get on with it. It's a good thing
to be here but I'll tell you that there's a state I want to go to beyond
this: transition is no longer a word in my dictionary. I'm not
saying that I want to remove all traces of my TG past nor deny that I had
once gone through transition. Rather, I don't want anything related to
transition to be on the list of my most recent thoughts. But this is
hard to do!
There are so many "echoes" of where I've been. Every time I look at my
dilators, or apply my hormones, or use the douching syringe. When I
come across mail addressed in my old name. When I talk to TG friends.
When I see my underdeveloped
chest. When I see my lack of hips. And yet I want
to purge "transition" from active memory.
Maybe we should explore why I want to sort of run away from TG Land.
I almost feel that my stay in it has done two things: 1) derailed the
progression of my life because of commitments to doing TG-related stuff,
2) made me insecure in the general world. As we've said it takes a
lot of effort to survive transition and your free time goes out the
window---I've put off classes, lessons, sports activities, travel
plans, etc. Also, I feel a bit uncomfy in the Real World in places
where nobody knows my past. I feel I almost need a trial-by-fire
experience in deep stealth in order to prove to myself that complete
assimilation is possible. And this last bit brings me 'round to
The Echoes.
Assimilation w/out Echoes is hard at least at this stage. I'm
not saying I have to make this sound so binary, but assimilation with
Echoes means part of my brain time is being occupied dealing
with those Echoes. Heck, I'm writing a Rambling now which is taking
brain time that could have been used to read the latest world news.
I don't know yet how to turn off the part of my brain that is still
dealing with the lingering residue of GID...
