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ramblings |
To What Degree?
1999.01.08
I'm not unhappy. And that's the truth. So why upset the balance of life by throwing in a transition into the mix? I have been mulling it over for a while and the recent group meeting showed that I definitely didn't have it as bad as some people in the room. The fact is that I---and maybe yourself as well---am not in constant unbearable pain. I don't have the same degree of dysphoria that a number of TS have. I don't look into the mirror and curse my flesh. I don't pray in vain to have this discomfort lifted. And I certainly will not mutilate my body---at least not by my choice. So why do I still consider myself as a candidate for being transsexual? There's lots of reasons.
It's a never-ending phase. I have had repetitive yearnings for being female for about as long as memory serves me. This includes just being curious about what girls went through each day or having dreams where I'd switch bodies with particular girls. I did ask a few times to be included in girl activities. I used to pester my mom and cousins about girl stuff or domestic chores. Even in recent times (before learning of transsexuality as a medical condition) I still had dreams of being a young woman. Of course I passed all this off as healthy curiosity or just trying to be helpful, but it has been an ongoing thing. It should have been a phase, but it has been a 20-or-so year phase as my therapist put it.
I don't fit in socially with males. Maybe I'm just not a very sociable creature, or maybe it's just that I haven't found the right group of people to be with. Historically, I continue to fit in better socially with either soft male types or women. Whenever I'm out with guys who are more stereotypically male, I almost always feel this sort of pressure to act more macho---for lack of a better word. Acting tougher or cooler just isn't me and I know that. Believe me, I've tried very hard but it's not in my nature. And I also know that among my friends I don't have to front like that, but I somehow feel that I'd lose their respect otherwise. (Call it one of my defense mechanisms.) It's interesting that before I say anything that I go through this quick mental filtering process to ensure what words I'm going to use present a clearly masculine tone. The only person I don't seem to do this with is my girlfriend. Maybe because being the girl I think I am with her comes off more as me just being playful with her. Silly, I know.
I'm following in many TSs footsteps. My past history parallels that of a great number of people all across the world. It has made little difference which country we were born in, which language we speak, what race our ancestors were, or what the year of our birth was. We all seem to share very similar struggles. (There are even many FTMs with paralleling situations.) And so as I read through the stories of those who are older than I, I realize that I may be looking into the future. Honestly, I see that over time my dysphoria could grow to consume me and it may surface violently in my 40s. It seems that most people had inklings of their transgendered condition early on, but as soon as they started a family then their CD and TS lifestyle had to stop in order to keep the kids happy and the marriage together. I'm 24 and I planned to get married shortly before 30. I also planned to try to start a family before 36. So, given that general timeline, I'm going to walk right in the footsteps of those who are there right now. Thus, I have to ask myself: if I know that is my future, even if my dysphoria isn't so bad right now, should I go ahead and solve it before it becomes a problem? The last thing I want to do is ruin my kids' lives. My children would be possibly more important than the marriage itself.
I have had good dreams about the future. Lastly, I've been thinking a lot about what kind of life I'd lead post-op. I can totally picture myself, and the image is pleasing. Not just the physical body, mind you. I find myself at peace with myself alone or with friends. I'm pretty happy right now, but in these future images I'm happier because I have a little less "baggage" to carry. It's like I act without having to parse my words before I say them. I wear whatever I want. I go different places. And if someone came up to me and said "you're an unusual woman, you sometimes do stuff like a guy", I'd probably take that as a compliment. This is all just a prediction and reality could turn out be much worse or much better. My crystal ball can't see that far ahead. Regardless, I find it a comforting thought.
And so I sit here trying to sort out my confused feelings. I know that I have GID. That is for certain. But is the dysphoria strong enough to warrant a transition? Since I am the only one who can make that call, the best I can do at the moment is to compare myself against other people. It is possible that I could live the rest of my life as male and never have a problem. However, knowing that it could be a big problem makes me stop and think that transitioning is preventative medicine.
Maybe the dysphoria will never become that big of a deal. But how can I know that until later and then regret that I didn't do something earlier? Anyone who is in the middle of their life with kids and a good job can tell you that had they faced up to their problem in their 20s, they might have lived a much better life. Maybe I should take a lesson from the elders? Maybe the RLT is what is needed to really make the final decision to see whether my personality and everything holds. I simply don't know. Got a suggestion?
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