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ramblings |
Diary 1
2002.03.11
It's been a while since I've had a chance to ramble so here goes...
I don't know why I sort of thought of this, but I know I can be pretty harsh on other people on a regular basis. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I like to keep things neat, clean, organized, and in good repair. I can't help but notice all the small details.
When it comes to other people, I'm always looking at their home or the way they're doing things and suggesting ways to make things better. I don't necessarily think that that's a bad thing---some people just don't realize that there is something wrong. But sometimes I'm thinking that I carry it to the extreme. Like, I mean, I find myself correcting lots of things about other people. It's almost like I want them to try to be more perfect as well.
What if those people don't want to be corrected? I'm sure that's the case at least part of the time. Who wants to be nagged about every little thing that they may be doing "wrong"? (After all, not everything has only one solution.) It makes them feel stupid, ugly, and wrong themselves. Even if it is true that there are things needing repair or there are better ways of doing something, I don't think people like others magnifying their inabilities.
After I use the microwave at my house I make sure that the inside is pretty clean. I can stand a bit of grease and splatters but I prefer not to let it build up because it makes it real difficult later. So, I was over at my parent's house today cleaning their microwave and scrubbing it clean inside and out. I realize that they probably haven't cleaned it in months---I don't think most people do. But here I was just scrubbing away cleaning theirs up. Maybe it worked just fine for them and maybe it was at a tolerable level of uncleanliness. Why did I need to feel that I had to fix it when it wasn't really broken?
I got to thinking afterwards a bit about my own life, more to the point my own body. Maybe that's one of the reasons why this whole transgendered thing has been an issue for me since my earliest memories. I see myself as imperfect and I want to fix things. Don't get me wrong---I don't see myself as "broken". But I know how I feel and I want to correct the outside to match more of what I think it should be.
Another quirk about me is that I'm a real self-motivated fixer-upper type. If I see things that need attention I don't just sit around and think about it. I (stubbornly) go ahead and get things done early. Maybe if I was a bit more passive that I probably would have put up with my life and not have bothered to read up on transgenderism.
What worries me about that last statement is probably yet another thing which holds me back from trying to get into and out of transition quick. I keep coming back to the fundamental question: do I truly believe I am transsexual? I'm not completely convinced still because I wonder if I'm jumping the gun. Is my gender identity really "normal" and I'm just making a bigger deal out of it than I need to?
OK this ramble is going into two topics already, so one at a time. TS stuff first...
I'm motivated I know that. I am pretty observant, I also know that. I'm pretty sure there is a problem and that's based on a long (and consistent) history. And I'll probably end up trying to make myself as "perfect" as I can until I finally feel comfortable. Ah, so when do I stop? Will I keep trying to go through cosmetic procedures only to reach some point where it is just completely ridiculous? Hopefully that will stop soon. ("Soon" being relative in terms of years.)
So going back to the thing about correcting other people...
I've been thinking maybe I should just lay off other people and not give unsolicited advice. Of course that doesn't mean never, but at least not coming right out and saying "you know, if you did XXX like YYY you'd save ZZZ hours of work?" This is really against my nature because I'm always into solving problems and puzzles---maybe that's why I make a good engineer... Anyhow, so, maybe I'll just let people sit back and go on their own direction.
Actually, what I've noticed is that as I've been letting myself get used to the idea (that I really have to work out this gender identity stuff) that I've been going easier on other people. It's like as I'm finally becoming more comfortable with who I am that I am more comfortable with other people. Or at least, I'm phrasing the questions in a different way...
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