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ramblings |
Disclosure
1999.07.05
"What happened to Amber?!"
That's the question a few people have put to me in recent times. No, I didn't abandon the TG scene or get abducted by aliens.
:P
Don't worry---I'm still around. I stopped updating this site for the
short while because I actually started keeping a diary. What I've
written may eventually find its way to the Web, but I haven't made up
my mind yet.What also happened is that life happened. I have become more consumed by my job and by some recent travels. I have slept a little less and have done a lot of thinking at odd hours of the day. Probably the biggest single news between May and now is that I have been trying to work up the courage and the plan on how to tell people I know more about my rather odd predicament.
For any of you out there who have not yet been outed and who are trying to bring up the issue with someone you know for the first time, it is one helluva nerve-racking experience. (And I thought getting women's shoes at a store was hard enough!) It is in a sense a leap of faith. You jump away from all that you know is secure and hope for the best. But once you leave the sanctity of your Comfort Zone (tm), you are no longer in control. You are now in the mercy of everyone else and the rest of your environment. This alone scares me more than anything else.
Just the fact that I can no longer control what happens or see how events will be plotted out generates this mysterious air of uncertainty. I loathe uncertainty. Without me being in the driver's seat all of the time, how can I maintain my supposed air of masculinity? I feel I am playing a role in a huge show most of the time, and that means always being in character. (The ironic thing here is that should I head towards transition I will always have to be in character as well...) But my acting is what hopefully has gotten me some respect, and that has led to me being able to navigate through life without bear the brunt of people's scorn of feminine boys.
Will I be strong enough to speak of what's on my mind knowing certain death awaits? Will I just turn tail and bury my fears in the ground? Will I emerge from all this mostly unscathed but a little worse for the wear?
Step by step I've gone through mental and physical checkpoints over the last year. I've tested myself with hard questions and have tried to come up with sensible answers. I've sucked in my gut and gone out dressed a few times in the company of others. I've practiced on lots of things trying to see if I'm up to playing the femme role for an extended period of time. So far all lights are green as in "go". But, the one thing is that I've had my hands on the reins of my life up to now. If I'm going to take a chance and test myself against the harsh realities of dealing with the close people in my life, I figure I should do it now.
Fear. Unbridled fear.
I hope I am doing the right thing for myself and for the people around me, but it is so hard to tell. If there is one thing that will separate fact from fiction, this (I think) will be it...
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