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ramblings |
Face Value
2002.08.16
This past weekend was a very odd weekend where I ended up in the company of non-TGs in intersting circumstances. It's the kind of experience that is gratifying and frustrating at the same time.
It all began with my MTF friend Jen who suggested going for a day trip down to the coast. I was in Girl Mode, she went in Guy Mode, and one of her friends Sarah joined us as well. You might consider her to be an ally, a very close friend of Jen's who has been with her through her transition. I was pretty run down from all these nights of hanging out with people and not getting any sleep at all. (This seems to be a common thing, tho.) So Jen drove the 1.5 hours down to the coast.
We got to the coastline and drove along it. We didn't
actually get down to the beach itself, but that was OK. We stopped
at a couple of rocky prominences tho.
I had my trusty digital
camera with me so I was snapping pictures of this and that.
There were a bunch of squirrels running around literally coming up to
our feet.
The weather
was cool and overcast with all the fog rolling off the ocean.
Oddly
enough, only about a half mile inland it was great sunny weather!Jen gets this idea to call up her parents because they were relatively close by. She asks me if I'd be OK with it; her parents know about me but have never seen nor actually met me. I just shrugged and pretty much said, "why not?" I didn't really have any qualms about meeting them at all. So moments later we were back in the car and heading to their house.
Jen's parents weren't actually the first people that I met. Jen's ex, Annie, was there and she greeted us with a smile. It wasn't but a few moments later that Jen's dad and mom made their appearance. They jovially introduced themselves. We all sort of stood around and chatted a little. Them's all good people.
We haggled over where was a decent place to eat lunch and settled on a quaint place nestled among trees with picnic benches, giant umbrellas perched overhead. Lunch was a bit on the pricey side with salads around $12 and breakfast items around $9. I got an assorted fish entrée around $15 and shared it with Annie and Jen's mom who got salads. It was a pleasant meal with the six of us just chatting and swapping food. Mmmm.... Calamari appetizers... The only annoyances were a kid crying every couple of minutes and a bee that apparently wanted my sautéed veggies. I suggested to Sarah that she try to snatch the bee with her chopsticks Mr. Miyagi style.
We bid Jen's parents farewell and the rest of us went for a stroll down to the nearby shops. We just had to go to this one leather outlet place. I saw some bags and wallets that I'd love to get but alas the prices are a bit too high for me. After I spent about $1,300 on the digital camera I can't really afford a $110 wallet. Well, I could but I'd rather use the money for other things.
Then it was down to a couple of other stores. I found this cute navy blue terry jacket that caught my eye on the way in. I think Annie was eyeing it as well. I broke down and bought it. I almost got this really cool chocolate-dyed shirt! Annie agreed with me the message is so appropriate. Of course, the next shop we went into was a chocolatier.
By now it was early afternoon and we attemped to find some kind of beach. We did finally make it down to the waterfront and we strolled along the sand for a while. There's just something soothing about the sound of crashing water too me. I'll probably come back sometime soon and just lay out on the beach under the shade of an umbrella while sipping down some cool iced tea or something...
We eventually made it back to Jen's parent's place and just chilled out for a while. Nothing special happened. After probably an hour or so we left to make the 1.5 hour trek back home. On the way back hunger was taking over and so we decided on a restaurant for dinner. Jen made some calls as did Sarah and we arrived at the restaurant.
Annie drove back to the area too so there were four of us inside. Two new friends joined us, Andrew and Terry. Here's where things get interesting...
Andrew has a clue that Jen is in her MTF transition and knows that I am also MTF but never has met me. Terry is a little different because he supposedly is oblivious to the whole TS thing altogether in respect to both Jen and I. And here I was, still very much in the beginning of my own transition and now sitting shoulder to shoulder with Andrew and Terry! Literally face to face. What a weird feeling.
I guess you have to understand that I consider myself to be very early in my transition and so I have a lot of reservations about what I will do and who I'll meet. I have no problem with TG-aware people, but TG-oblivious is another story. I guess I have this thing about me slipping up with the voice or doing something weird which would clue people off that I'm not exactly who I seem. So, even if I seem outwardly fine inside I'm often queasy. I just don't feel quite ready to do the whole stealth thing.
We went through an entire dinner, each of us chatting and chomping. The focus of the conversations had nothing to do with me and all about our day and some other miscellaneous things---I can't remember what was said but I think it had to do with filling up someone's garage and also going to concerts.
Dinner ends and I carpool back to Jen's place with Sarah. But who else comes along? Andrew and Terry! So now we're back at Jen's house and I'm on the floor extracting furballs from the two cats meandering about the house. We're all sort of chit-chatting again about nothing in particular. Just five people passing the night together.
The only faux pas on my part was suddenly coming to the realization my tan skirt didn't stretch at all when I sat down at one point and I sort of ended up in an odd pretzel shape on the floor. Boy that was an awkward 2 seconds that seemed to last forever. Jen told me later she was laughing on the inside watching me uncontort myself in front of everyone else---her words were along the lines of "you gotta learn how to wear a skirt better". Yeah, I do! But give me some credit because it's not like I use them every day. (That was probably the first time in many moons that I had worn one. And a very inelastic one at that. Ugh.)
So the end of the evening seemed to be approaching and I left, waving a cheery good-bye to the others.
It is an interesting feeling to be completely boring, not a spectacle. I used to worry about sticking out long ago and now when I'm out and about it's really like I don't really exist. I just kind of blend in and that's it. And now I've met a couple of people who may become more than just casual strangers. I have the potential of forming friendships with these people who will only know me as Amber, and barring any freaky slip-ups they may never know I was at one point just one of the guys.
The significance of this didn't quite stand out as much until Jen pointed it out later. It's almost like I'm on the edge of gliding into a life where people will think Amber is and always has been without doubting my authenticity. Does stealth start now? Do I start burying some of my past into a new closet? Is the future arriving faster than I had anticipated? Should I continue in stealth mode while my body is still very much male and in flux? All these little questions are starting to come up because I don't plan on outting myself voluntarily.
It's comforting to know now that I have a real shot at assimilation. It's frustrating to think that my body is still so male and it'll take months if not years for it to rearrange itself. It's rewarding to know that people can possibly treat me the way I've wanted to be treated since who-knows-when. All in all it's liberating. Very liberating.
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