amberspace

Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

home · updates · writings: blogger ramblings · experiences: timeline thinking deep going out coming out procedures ffs srs meds voice legal stuff tips/advice · resources: links glossary · about: transsexuality me (faq) amberspace · contact

ramblings

The Finish Line
2004.06.27

It almost seems like when you are only days away from SRS everyone wants to know:

Are you ready? Are you getting nervous?

Yes, I'm ready. No, I'm not nervous. And then they ask:

Are you looking forward to it?

Yes, absolutely---but mainly because I get time off from work.

I guess I must seem really blasé about this whole SRS thing these days. I'm not going like totally insane and I'm not all that stressed about it. I've done my homework, I've had time to think about this, and I've paid my dues. It's time just to finish up and move on, you know? This surgery isn't really a big milestone for me.
      I know, I know. I should probably be thinking this is some giant capstone to the whole transition process and that I should be thrilled to finally have a vagina. The trouble is twofold: 1) I have always thought the most momentous occassion was that first day I set foot in my office in Girl Mode, and 2) I still don't think SRS is a really great solution to GID.
      Going full-time took more guts than I ever thought I had in me. Think about it: we abandon our entire social structure in that instant and we are forever seen under a different light in public. If you really take advantage of full-time by being social, meeting new people, doing new things, etc. then you are ripping yourself away from your old environment. And if you're really serious you don't give yourself much of a safety net. (You can't just flip back and forth between Boy and Girl Modes where convenient.) This past year has been a real trial by fire.
      And then there's this vaginoplasty thing. Argh. It really does suck. It's not a vagina. It's a sack of skin cut up, sutured together like a hackey sack, and stuffed up inside you. Then you have to take a plastic rod, coat it with lubricant, and then proceed to stretch out your skin in a most unpleasant way to create this artificial portal. You still can't have babies, self-lubrication isn't sufficient, and it never erases the fact you are a transsexual. I hardly think having SRS makes you a woman.
      So why am I going through all of this mess and pain when in the end I'm only a partial approximation of the girl I wish I was? Because I made a choice 5 years ago. I never said I was absolutely going to transition, but I think I had pretty much made up my mind. You see, I felt I needed to be true to myself and that meant I needed to find out what my heart really wanted. Of course knowing what you want and then acting on it are two different things.
      Looking back I think I could have chosen to walk away from all of this and tried a different route of life. I remember reading on this one web page that no one should ever transition unless it was their absolute last resort. (And here I am doing it more on a whim.) I'm actually coming to agree more with that opinion, but I made my choices. I probably could have found some kind of happiness. I would have made a manageable life. But...
      I probably would have regretted never having attempted transition. Seriously. I would have never known how difficult it was to do this. And I never would have really known myself. It's a real Catch-22. You can't know what a royal pain in the butt it is to do this transition just to end up being an average woman until you try. Unless you are (un)lucky enough to be intersexed or have started on HRT like when you were 14, you're going to have to deal with a male bone structure, a male voice, and male social conditioning. If you've graduated college you probably are dealing with college debt. And if you are married and/or have a family then you're probably dealing with living expenses, transitioning on the job, family obligtations. Et cetera, et cetera. It is such a struggle. And yet we willingly stick ourselves through that stupid wringer labeled Transition.
      I understand that for those who feel this is a last resort, hey, go ahead. Anything is better. But for the rest of us I think it's sort of a toss-up. I fight every day for normalcy. Don't get me wrong, I pass just fine it would seem, but I know my weaknesses and there are so many of them. If I let my guard down too much then I know I can be read. And I don't want my life to be a game of "Am I Being Clocked?" or "How Well Can I Hide My Past?" No, I want to move on.
      At the same time I somehow feel that transition was sort of inevitable. That question of "could I succeed as a woman?" in this world would have plagued me to my last day. It's better that I did it now and gotten it out of the way while I still have a few shreds of my youth left---let's face it, it isn't going to be too long before Age takes its toll on my body. I still think I have a shot at being reasonably successful.
      What is my measure of success? Finishing SRS? Nah. My current marker of success involves a combination of reestablishing my career, perhaps having a family, and retiring in the arms of someone I love. Transitioning, while probably the hardest thing I've ever done, is a temporary thing and in no way my end goal. It's purpose was to get me to a point where I could be comfortable with myself such that my GID wouldn't be a roadblock in my life. And in that sense I would say that transition has been succeeding. Of course, I think it's working because no one seems to scream to my face oh my gosh is that a man?! But how do I know what other people are really thinking?
      Let's focus on the positive, though. I don't have to feel like I need to hide or suppress my desires. I am externally how I feel internally now. That's good, right? It's like I've found a new way to channel my self-expression while at the same time delving into that question of "who am I?" I don't think I could have been seeing myself and the world around me from this vantage point without having transitioned. Before I could only imagine it, now I can actually experience it.
      Where do I go from here? Well, I'm going to be having a little downtime due to the maintenance in the aftermath of SRS and hopefully I'll have some time to think about what I want to do next. I've got this vague idea about reinvigorating some of my passions. I guess we'll see how financially feasible that is. And then, I don't know. I'm feeling positive, I'm thinking positive, and hopefully I when I get enough strength back I'll act in the positive.