amberspace

Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

home · updates · writings: blogger ramblings · experiences: timeline thinking deep going out coming out procedures ffs srs meds voice legal stuff tips/advice · resources: links glossary · about: transsexuality me (faq) amberspace · contact

ramblings

Financial (Non)Sense
2002.10.07

I was going to blog this but it turns out it's not a short bit to say. And so ramble I do.

Couldn't sleep much. I think some financial problems are hanging over my head. I wasn't going to go into too much detail but that seems unavoidable. Maybe writing about them might also help to calm my nerves.
      There are some business relationships that you have where you put a lot of trust in someone else. I placed a good amount of trust in a bunch of people who were supposed to be looking out for my financial welfare, but it has turned out to be a very bad thing. I was already bad at picking my own stocks (though I actually had some positive returns not long ago), but this has topped it all. I'm now very deep in debt. I think I can dig myself out but it's going to be tough. It's also very disappointing in what I may have to do.
      More specifically, I may have to dig into my savings to repay a particular loan I've been carrying. Why this is especially troublesome is that these savings were particularly earmarked as transition funds. Now, the original reason why I got into investing was to raise money for transition. And now all of that has disappeared and then some.
      In some sense I shouldn't complain. I carry no other debt. I do not believe in carrying any debt whatsoever. My parents are of the opinion that when you get a bill you repay as close to the end of the grace period as possible. While I do see the small financial benefits of that I am of the opinion that it's better to settle your debts early or at least in a timely manner. I have never missed a payment voluntarilly. Only three times since I was 18 have I come close to having to pay late fees and I've had all of them waived. I paid off my car rapidly. I had my student loans all paid off by the second year I was working full-time. But yet I allowed myself to carry a full load of stock market debt. All because of trust.
      I've told people for years that if you want to know how to do well in the stock market you should look at all of my investment decisions and do the opposite. This has never been more true than now. But that's also why I got a financial advisor. I wanted someone to watch my back and help me make prudent decisions. Oh, ha ha ha... Talk about a total backfire.
      So now I carry debt more than I've ever carried before. I think I can get out of it, but it'll be tough. The thing is that I'm bleeding badly from my debt and I have to make a decision: continue to hope for a global market turnaround or pull the plug. It saddens me that I have to pull the plug. But all you kids out there can take a lesson from me and straighten your own financial situations out.
      I've recently blogged a little about not having regrets from decisions. And so I hope I'm holding true to my own words---I hate hypocrites myself. I have looked at the facts and I've tried to give myself time to not make rash decisions. The facts are now at an overwhelming stage:

I am deeply in debt by 10s of $1,000s. Not completely out of reach of my savings, I think, but close.
My account "maintenance fees" are around 1%/annual, calculated each quarter. With my account having so many consolidated assets this is quite a bit.
My loan debt grows at about $250/mo.
My overall portfolio value has been sharply declining.
We're likely to go to war in the very near future with Iraq. Heck, we're already sort of at war.
The American economy has been totally disrupted since the Dot Bomb Collapse and 9/11.
The telecom sector (which I'm heavily leveraged in) is sucking donkey @$$. Big donkey, BTW. Not likely to get better soon since cap ex is depressed. CSCO, a bellweather of the telecoms, was just downgraded (again).
Over 1/3 of my friends are jobless or near-jobless.
The whole deal about the lockout of the longshoremen is causing supply chains to be strained under impact. If this continues it will cause potential losses of estimated $2B/day. Oh gee, how many jobs will this impact?! (BTW: News reports the negotiations were broken off Sunday night around 11:30p. [BTW': Doesn't matter if Pres. Bush intervenes now. {BTW'': I can't see how we can avoid this problem in the future because of global automation.}])
People on a company mail alias are recommending bailing.
Last week's marked declines continued the slump of market confidence. Many people are pulling out. NASDAQ's already down 2% this morning (9:12a EDT).
In my neighborhood of semi-affluent homeowners there are many houses on the market but few are selling. Keep in mind that these are homes once valued at $850,000 now selling for about $625,000.
Asia-Pac markets down since last week.
I've trusted my advisors before to no avail. Keep in mind that these people recommended WCOM. Can you feel sorry for me?
I'm transitioning potentially soon; I cannot carry uncertain financial situations as I will be pushing myself into debt anyhow.
I will potentially be laid off next year.
I've hoped for too long. Results have not been generated.

So, do I bail now and suffer the sting of $10,000s going out the window? Or do I hold on with hope? I am at my mental and financial limits---maybe having already gone too far. Uh, can we start the Save Amber's Wallet Fund?*

*You know I'm joking, right? I know that there are many people in far worse positions than I, but I like to whine. Seriously, I deeply sympathize with people in my situation or who are hurting more than I. I just talked to a couple guys who are screaming "get out! get out while you still can!" and "I've lost my life savings and much more." It must be terribly tough on them. I have faith that in the long run we'll pull through this together. But these trying times are sure to test us. I am hoping that at least in the gay/trans communities that people are used to using support groups and counselors and that we have a sort of emotional outlet. I fear that there are many people out there in the world who are carrying their pain inside.

I think it's a matter of pride for me. This is a serious black (or, um, red?) mark on my records that I'd rather not have. But I have to do what's right for me. What I need right now is stability and positive cash flow. This uncontrollable negative flow has cost me so much that I need to get out of it.
      When I think back about this I think that Kate's financial decisions were better than mine. Sure, she spent thousands on clothing, clubbing, skydiving, and luxurious hotel rooms. Sure, she's carrying a multi-thousand-dollar debt from her multiple surgeries. And sure she's not likely to get out of it soon. But, at least that money was invested in herself and she garnered life experiences from them.
      What have I received from my decisions? Nada. Had I profitted a little and maybe done a week in Fiji or bought a cool car that would have been one thing. Instead I've bought sleepless nights and me rambling at 6:12a my time.
      In just a few moments I'm going to call my financial advisors and get the lowdown on my overall portfolio and see if they have any last-minute ass-saving advice. If they cannot produce this then I will have to say I'll fold up shop leave with my tail between my legs. Will I have regrets? I already do. But about this decision? Well, I think I've given ample leeway to my financial advisors and to myself. I think if I pull the plug now I won't know if things may up-tick in the near future and I could recover a good amount of my losses, but in general things are looking too gloomy for me to believe in long-term profitability.
      I'll be back. Just not in the short term...