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ramblings |
Fish Girl
2001.10.13
I guess if you've seen my Amber Outside log that you've noticed I've started going out a bit more. I guess what has happened in general is that I've gotten to a point where I'm not all irked out about my body. My hair is a pretty good length, electrolysis has now let me go about 1.5+ weeks w/out shaving, I've been thinning eyebrows for several months (so they're almost girlish), I've been losing weight through some serious exercise (walking, running, and DDR), and started shaving my legs with a real razor.
In the past few months I've also been visiting stores to amass shoes, pants, shirts, belts, underwear, miscellaneous hair stuff, and a purse. I am running a little tight on cash but I realize that what I need right now is some real world experience and the only way to do that is really through part-time outings. By getting all this sort of necessary equipment I can sort of get a taste of the girl's life without having to actually go through all the medical stuff. Hence, I can return back home and slip back into my usual male role and resume life as normal.
I suppose this may change in short order. I've started to really look into sperm banking (cryopreservation) and may try to start depositing before the year's end. After that may come an appointment with a respected local endocrinologist to get started on anti-androgens to sort of halt the masculinization process. After that, well who knows?
If you sort of figured it out, I did break up with my girlfriend of some 5+ years. Oh, that sucked. But, I think it's for the best. I hope I did make it clear in the separation that it wasn't because I didn't have feelings for her but rather it's because I just don't think the relationship will be a future-compatible one. I have to be realistic: what I'm doing is weird and I don't want to drag her or her family into this. It's not right and it's my problem, not hers.
So the ball is well in motion now. One might say that I'm almost ready to start getting into full-time, but I think that's still a ways out. I think I'm mentally prepared and focused, but I am not sure about my economic or social situation. I have started to come out to my roommates so I'm hoping that they're not going to be too shocked by it all. One has already been very supportive and I thank him for it. The other is slowly learning what's going on and I've got my fingers crossed right now.
My parents are also going to be informed soon. They already know a little of what's going on but I've kept most of the details from them. Seeing as how I could be on Spironolactone in short order, I owe it to them to at least bring them up to speed. This is a really sticky point. I'm hoping for support and acceptance, but I'll understand if I don't get it.
I'm not really scared going forward. I think I've gone over a lot of situations in my head and now that I've been out a number of times in full dress and voice, the jitters and self conscious behaviors are slowly subsiding. Also the little logistics are becoming routine: where things go in my purse, how to tuck and still be comfortable, how to get in and out of cars with dresses on, walking with shoes that have heels or platforms of 1.5" or more, how to anchor my hair back with clips and bands, and more. I don't seem to have too much of a problem of passing in public; a good part of this has been the coaching of other good T* friends. I still feel that I'm not quite ready for part-time, but I'm getting there.
What does concern me are the age old questions:
- Do I really have a gender issue?
- Is it severe enough to warrant transition?
- Do I feel comfortable transitioning?
- Do I think it's financially and emotionally feasible?
- Will I be able to live a potential life alone without a steady relationship or family?
- Am I in good enough health to do this?
At this point, I'm absolutely sure I have a gender issue. I'm still not sure that I need to transition to solve it. I can tell you, though, that doing the Girl Thing is pretty good in that it feels right. Maybe I'm still deluding myself, but I feel good when I'm in Girl Mode versus Boy Mode. Again, it's not like I have a big problem with Boy Mode, but I often feel disconnected from myself and I seem to be just acting out a role. In Girl Mode I feel natural and unpressured. My creativity flows freely and as I'm gaining confidence in myself I am forgetting about being male and a T* altogether. (The reminders are always there but I'm getting a chance for once to release that inner voice that is Amber.)
So I guess I should probably jot down what made today so interesting...
I hadn't seen one of my T* friends in a little over a year---let's call her "A". It's funny that time flew by so fast but it just somehow did. I met this person about 3 years ago (first by e-mail and then in person) and she helped me get a good grounding. She's really into the fashion stuff and cosmetics, and if you've read my Me page then you know I'm not a makeup type of person. (I have recently developed an appreciation of makeup however.) A real sweet girl, she started an official transition and then we sort of fell out of touch. We did e-mail, but I guess I was a bit too preoccupied to meet up with her. So, anyhow, we figured we'd get together today.
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Interesting Event 1: I kinda-sorta came out to Roommate #2. |
- I can go down dressed, scare the crap out of him, and tell him I'll explain this to him later, or
- I can go down en drab and change later
Stupid me, I got on the road and drove onto the ramp leading in the opposite direction of where I wanted to go. So, I added about 4 miles and 8 minutes to my drive. I was going to be late so I grabbed a payphone and left a message for A saying I'd be late. And late I was. By about 45 minutes. But I got there and there was my friend who I hadn't seen in ages.
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Interesting Event 2: My friend A has really changed! I guess it's a combination of a new hair style, various cosmetic enhancements, and after being on hormones for well over a year. |
I phoned another friend (um, let's call her "B") and she (also T*) came over. I went in the back and changed. I had a black tee, khakis, and black slides on. I guess A hasn't seen me before using a bra too and she remarked at how unusual I looked. I guess you have to understand that about a year ago this time that even with I went out with her that I was so paranoid that I always went in Guy Mode. And here I was in total Girl Mode. B has seen me in Girl Mode every time we've met so with B it's a different story.
So we go out to lunch, then over to a Gap. It's funny that I've developed this really bad habit of finding things to buy even when I know that I really don't need them and shouldn't buy them. It works like this: leave me in a store for a little while and I may find one item or so. But leave me there for much longer and I start finding things I overlooked and I'll come up with very complicated justifications for why I must have this or that. Basically, the longer you leave me in a store, the more I buy.
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Interesting Event 3: I was expecting much cooler weather and was sweating in my khakis because of this weird Indian Summer. |
We eventually get back to A's home and I make the remark that I wish I had a dress or something light. Well, of course A's eyes light up. The next thing you know, I'm in the bathroom trying on this red-orange sleeveless dress. I told A and B that I'd humor them; I typically resist their clothes because their style is either more flashy/metallic or loosely flowing whereas my style is soft, contemporary, earth-tone casual wear. But there was something about this dress that sort of drew me to it.
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Interesting Event 4: I ended up borrowing this cute dress from A! |
Satisfied with their handiwork, A and B figured we ought to get out of the house and make use of the dress. I grabbed my backpack purse and headed out with them. Two things I immediately realized:
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I was immediately a lot cooler thanks to the great ventilation
- I had to take small steps because the dress limited me taking my usually long strides
B had a camera, so we took a couple of photos. B had to go, so A and I walked over to my car and we headed out to the Union Square area to hit a couple of stores. We spent quite a bit of time in this discount designer clothing store. If I didn't have a budget and I knew I was going full-time tomorrow, I would have easily charged a few thousand dollars. I saw some really good cashmere-blended sweaters and coats. There were a few cute cardigans and shirts. I've been looking for a decent wool/gray skirt and found a few. And there were numerous other things. I ended up not getting anything because I knew I shouldn't get those things (because I wouldn't have the occasion to use them) and they were still rather expensive.
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Interesting Event 5: A kind counter girl gave me the full makeover. |
Over the course of the next few minutes she gathered her tools and found a number of products from her line. I had a small mirror she lent me so I could watch her work. Pre-foundation prep, foundation, powder, lip liner, lipstick, highlighter, liquid blush, and eye shadow all went on. It was quite amazing to see what a good light makeup job can do. I have been slowly learning about cosmetics and finally seeing it in action showed me how these tools can totally change the way light shapes your face.
She had to go home but I still ended up getting some products. (In fact, I had been looking at similar eyeshadow after having seen it on a GG friend.) Better yet, our purchase today was 10% off because A opened up a card. Figuring we should take advantage of this 10% we set out to walk the other floors. We traversed all of the floors; I only found some bras on sale that I got. We were going to eat right in the store, but the line for the food was too long. So we left.
Walking down the street we saw a large shoe store. We asked ourselves if we were really hungry (as it was about 8:30p) or if we could just drop into the shoe store and get food later. Well, I guess we know where our priorities lie because we walked right across the street and into the shoe store.
Too bad most of the shoes are B/Medium width because I really can't
squeeze into them comfortably. Somewhat defeated we left the store
and sought food.|
Interesting Event 6: One of my roommates was actually right around the block from us! |
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Interesting Event 7: I added a new dress to my wardrobe unexpectedly. |
I opened the door to my place, unpacked, and went up to my room. My roommate (who had just been at Union Square, who also knows about me) was there so I chatted briefly. That's when I found out several interesting things:
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Interesting Event 8a: My roommate had just gotten home not more than 5 minutes ago. |
And he had been dropped off by one of the friends I might have met in Union Square. So, if I had driven home faster, I would have run into both of them and possibly had a bit of explaining to do.
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Interesting Event 8b: He had been at Gap earlier in the day. |
Yeah, the same Gap that I was in. I must have spent at least a half hour there with A and B, but we left probably before 3:30p. We must have just barely missed my roommate.
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Interesting Event 8c: He was in Macys too. |
I had been in Macys probably for about 1.5 hours from the time we walked in to the makeup counters to the time we left for the shoe store. Since I had been on every floor it was also very likely I could have bumped into him then.
Yes, I had many chances of running into him but somehow managed to avoid every single one. That was very odd. I think it is possible that we might have been in sight range but because he didn't know what I looked like we could have passed roughly the same areas and we would not have noticed.
All in all, a very strange day. I'm sort of unwinding now before going to bed. I'm thinking that I had fun today and got lots of experience. I still don't know if transition is right for me, but today did feel right.
So what's with the "fishy"? I still haven't quite taken this as a compliment (even though A says it is) because it just strikes me as being odd. But what she means is women in general are "fishy" and thus she's implying that in her opinion I wasn't distinguishable from all the rest of the women. In short, I was pretty passable. I guess... I did think that appearance-wise that I certainly looked a great deal different/better than I normally do because I usually choose androgynous styles. I guess with the right equipment that the whole image sort of comes together. If that's the case, then I guess I don't mind being a fish once in a while.
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