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ramblings |
Fuzzy Future
2002.07.25
The past couple of days have been a bit of a downer which have dampened my spirits more than usual. It was a series of things that led to this.
I think it was either Monday or Tuesday that Mom and I were talking about something. Our previous conversation last Thursday came up and she had asked me if I had done any other reading or research. She was noticeably disappointed that I hadn't done anything on this. I could have probably made a comment to the effect that I had given her months on end to really begin discussions and that I should be allowed the same sort of timeline, not just a few days. I know that sounds a bit harsh but I don't quite know how else to put it---it was my feeling in that one moment.
I said I honestly had not had any time to do that but I might get to some this weekend. I do want to give her words some thought and get back into the research mode. (I had pretty much stopped doing research once I was satisfied of my direction, probably about the time I started sperm banking.) Maybe it was time for another examination of this whole transition thing. I am eternally concerned that I've overlooked something important in my decision-making process.
The important thing to note about this tread of conversations we had been having is the same type that I've been having with my Dad: they feel that there must be another cause and solution for what I'm going through. They think that changing one's body is the absolute last thing that anyone should even consider, if one could even consider it at all! I agree. I have been doing the bang-head-on-wall thing for years now trying to figure out if there is another cause and what the solutions might be. The only acceptable one in the end seemed to be transition, but I'm open to suggestion.
This was in the back of my mind for a day or so when I was out with a friend on Tuesday. She, also an MTF grappling with her parental units, said that all her parents (and friends) saw was the "doom and gloom" of the transition process. They could not get past the pain inflicted on themselves, the social awkwardness, the isolation, the bodily harm, and the risk of being physically harmed by other people. She was pretty distraught over this because what she needed were cheerleaders at this moment to believe that what she's doing is the Right Thing and to help pull her along into womanhood.
It sounds like a tall order, you know, asking other people not only to believe you're not crazy but to try to make you into a woman and shower you with love and positive advice. I'm sure it happens, but it's just not the norm. Why is it not the norm?
As I was sitting there chewing on my Mongolian BBQed noodles it hit me: everyone lacks positive role models. That is, our parents and friends really need to see that we are not going to be freaks but fairly normal people that fade into obscurity. They can only envision this if they have some sort of existing reference. They want to see that there are people like Lynn Conway, Christie Lee Littleton *, and Dierdre McCloskey. They should see that there are the Georgina Beyers of the world who are educated, level-headed, and successful.
What if our allies knew about these people and could then say, "oh, I see you're like them and have struggled in a similar way. I'll help you become the person you know you are." Just like people dealing with homosexuals nowadays---is it any really big deal that anyone is gay? If a friend were to come out to me right now, I'd have a whole slew of public figures, old professors, and friends I know who are gay and successful people, that I could say to this friend, "I don't personally understand your pain, but I know I am there to support you and help you where I can."
The word "transsexual" seems to be becoming less taboo of a word to use in television and in the newspapers. It is slowly losing its shock value. And, maybe one of these days, it will lose many of its negative connotations because there will be enough good examples of transsexuals out there that the general public can point their fingers to those people and say that transsexuals are people too. (Of course one of the problems with transsexuals it that the good role models are ones who assimilate who consequently go stealth!) So until we have more public awareness and public figures, I suppose our allies will keep on not being able to see past all the problems. All they see is broken lives in a fuzzy future.
So those thoughts kinda put me in a downer mood because I was struggling with how I can convince my parents that while there are certainly social and biological barriers, that they are not as insurmountable as they may think. Really, most of the work and the pain lies on my shoulders, not theirs.
The second thing in recent history that sort of depressed me was that I learned my boss is moving on to another assignment. While I've learned that change is a way of life here in the tech industry, this could not have come at a worse time. He and I have built up a pretty good relationship where we are more than just colleagues but also borderline friends. We go for lunch, talk about video games, and life in general. We're open and jovial with each other. And this has taken about 2 years to build this sort of a close companionship.
Now, the reorganization of our departments is going to shake this up. I was hoping he'd be the one I'd break the news to first at work. I thought he would have been an understanding individual because he knows me more than for what I produce on my computer. And now I'm losing him. One less cheerleader for me.
The challenges ahead are numerous. The ones weighing most heavily are now:
- I don't know how the new manager is going to be. I doubt I'll be able to get past the manager-employee barrier.
- I'm stuck on a project which is not doing very well. While I know that I alone have a good reputation, by the fact I'm on this project means if the project gets a bad reputation then I'm part of the problem by default.
- The economy is in a serious funk right now. If I lose my job I will have to halt transition or really slow down the pace to stretch my resources.
- I'm going to be losing my current roommates in about 4-8 months which means my costs for housing and utilities will almost double.
- My immediate family is having problems with my transition and are trying to waylay progress.
- I'm in severe debt accrued from stock market losses. I might be able to dig myself out of it if the stock prices come up a little, but it's dubious.
- My repetitive motion/stress injury on my left wrist flared up leaving me with partial numbness and tingling. Great! Now I'm impaired when I type and that's my day job!
But what can I do? About the only thing I think I can do is look to the positive and count my blessings for having been fortunate so far. I do have a lot to be thankful for, so I see opportunities on the horizon. I know I am going to be beaten down quite a bit in the coming months as transition shifts into 3rd gear, but I'm a surivor. Always have been, and I hope I always will be.
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