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ramblings |
When the Games Are Over
2000.10.01
Today was the last day of the Olympics in Sydney. It was a great show marking the conclusion of tremendous athletic feats. But the two weeks of games finally came to a close tonight. And so did the end of my innocence.
I have been frustrated to no end that I have not come out to my parents yet, but I can understand why. I don't want to lose them but I don't want to withhold information from them. (This is actually a common thread with every other person in my life.) But I knew I had to make a stand sometime and start the conversation somehow.
My parents live within a short driving distance from where I'm at right now, which is cool because it lets me see them pretty much whenever I feel like it. And I think we have a good relationship though I think it could be stronger. Two weeks ago I almost tested the bonds of our relationship by coming out to them then. But, as usual I chickened out. I've been playing games with my head trying to find the "right" circumstance when I can open myself up to them, but every time I get the chance I drop the ball. Heck, I have been doing it consistently for about a year, so last week was no surprise.
"DOH!" is what I was thinking when I drove away that night. I had failed myself again because I let another opportunity slide right through my fingers all because of my fears of what their reaction will be. Tonight was a little different, though.
I think I have reached a mental place where I am willing to risk losing them to get my feelings out in the open. I know this will forever change our relationship, but I feel it's necessary not only for my sanity but also to maintain my own standards. I have long advocated to other people that they should express themselves to the parents even at the risk of rejection. And yet I've been a hypocrite because I couldn't do it myself. That is no longer the case. Well, sort of.
Why just "sort of"? Because I think I did not do a very good job at communicating myself today.
I went to my parents place to help them paint some door frames. I meant to really tell them during the afternoon, but the way it worked out I didn't. I had many excuses, but I just didn't. I did bring up the fact that I was facing some real frustrations in my life over lunch. But I failed to be specific about what they were.
So it took all the way until the end of the night when I was about to leave that I actually got a chance to sit down with my Mom. (Dad had already left to go to bed so I missed him.) I explained myself in vague terms about this long-lasting problem about feeling wrong and that I needed their help to solve this. The good news is that my Mom appears to be not very happy with what I told her, but she is nonetheless open to at least listen. Even better, she said that she loves unconditionally. I was floored to hear this and I said a quiet but audible "thank you".
I left tonight from their place feeling that I had accomplished something great. I knew I couldn't keep this in my head any longer and I made myself tell at least one of my parents before I left the house. And then I realized that I may have actually given her the wrong impression.
Previously during the day I had been talking about issues surrounding homosexuality. And with me explaining myself in such vague terms to her at the end of the night, I think she interpreted it as I was coming out to her about being gay. Ooops. I'm not gay, I'm transgendered and possibly transsexual. Not quite the same thing, you know.
So, while I'm happy that she is willing to talk more about this and I have finally begun to crawl out of my closet, I'm disappointed that I didn't absolutely clarify what I was talking about. Not to worry though because I will definitely make sure she knows I'm talking about transsexuality and not homosexuality in the near future. But, ah, it is another delicate dance that I'm trying to do.
Now that I've started the snowball rolling, I have to be able to add to it slowly. The shock of me coming out to her (even if she thinks I'm gay) is enough already. I hope I can ease her and my Dad into my situation slowly and that will give them time to search out their feelings and me a chance to collect my thoughts once again.
I have to say that I love both of my parents and I have even more respect for them that they might be willing to hear me out if not accept who I am. This is tough for them and I hope I can be there for them.
Tonight I go to bed tired but somehow less frustrated as I know that the door is now opening for me and I have an opportunity to explain myself. I don't know if I'll have a happy ending to tell you all about because it's too soon to tell. I'm just hoping for the best but expecting the worst.
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