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ramblings |
When the Games Are Over: Part II
2000.10.03
I got to work early this morning and though I was in the office it turns out I missed a voice message from Dad. It was short but to the point saying that he wanted to reassure me that I can talk to them at any time about anything. I guess it means that he found out from what Mom and I were discussing late Sunday night.
All I can say at this point in time is that I am so very thankful for both of them being able to at least be open enough to let all of us start a family discussion about all that I've been going through. I don't know if this will lead to acceptance in the future, but at least they are willing to come to the table to talk rather than slam the door and walk away. It means the world to me.
Where we go from here is going to be a rocky road and yet another series of delicate disclosures on my part in order to present my side of the story and see how they can help or support me. I still believe that I had given them the wrong impression that I was speaking of homosexuality rather than transsexuality, but it is a start. And a start is what I think we all needed---especially me.
I have been so terrified at coming out to them because I knew that within seconds our relationship changes forever. I am no longer just the innocent boy they had thought. Now, we all have to come to grips with how we perceive our own sexuality and challenge the concept of what it means to be a family. I was so afraid that they would outright reject me based upon things they've said in the past which seemed to indicate to me to be a general uncomfortableness with not having a "normal" son. But I had to know.
I came to a mental space recently where I had to know if they were going to be on my side or not. What triggered that was that since my last electrolysis appointment, we are now approaching the remainders of Round #2 on my face and honestly there is not that much hair left. True, it'll still be many hours before it's permanently clear, but the damage has been done. Irrevocable. Indelible. Undeniable. And with that comes the need to speak the truth because if I don't speak first my body will tell tales for me.
I'm not out of the woods yet with my parents; we only just begun to make headway into the forest. There are only faint trails from some of the many transgendered people who have gone before us, but there is no true path through. I don't want to unload my entire life on them, and so it'll be a slow disclosure of the myriad of events that have transpired.
This stuff is so messy that I have set no time limit and I'm banking on the fact that both of my parents can be level-headed, intelligent, compassionate people. I do understand that they may never come to terms with this completely, nor may they grasp the distinction between homosexuality and transsexuality, but I am willing to try.
I feel a lot better now. I am still just as uncertain about what the future holds for all of us, but at least I know that my parents will try to see the world from my eyes. I have a lot of respect for that even if we don't go much further. However, I hope we will.
I thought this was going to be a short follow-up to Sunday's writing, but I think what I missed on that was why I felt I had to do it and where we go from here.
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