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ramblings |
Got Masculinity? (Mascu-Land)
2002.09.01
I impress myself sometimes. Tonight I met up with some very old friends (back from the high school days) that I've kept in touch with. Their boyfriends and fiancées were there, and a few other friends showed up that I didn't know until 3 hours ago. I did the usual hand-shaking thing and little self introductions. Played video games, talked about people's job hunts. Did I mention that I was handing people their ass back on silver platters in Wacky Races and Tennis 2K2? All in all, I passed as a guy I think. I still got the old masculine touch.
It took a lot out of me, though. I had forgotten what it's like to wear the Guy Mask. In my regular daily life I'm fairly androgynous so I don't care what I do as long as I don't go outright girly on people. However, in this company of new people where 90% are guys, I had to do something to protect myself. And so I reached down deep within my soul and rekindled the last little bit of testosterone I had left and boo yeah! The old guy was back.
I don't know how I really came off but I am fairly certain I didn't come off as effiminate or gay. Maybe I come off as a loudmouth or a nuisance, but that's better than people firing questions about my androgynous looks and non-masculine interests. (No, I don't watch Deep Space Nine---I don't have cable. No, I haven't watched the game---it's boring. No, I'm not out to find a new girlfriend---I'm enjoying my bachellorhood.)
I spent a good bit of time answering questions about what I had been up to the past few years, and I think I successfully deflected a lot questions. I don't like doing that but I really don't want everyone in the room to know I'm going about transition. It did not help that about the only people who really made conversation with me were the girls at the party (oh, imagine that!!!) and that one of my old old friend's comments to me was, "wow, your hair is just like mine!" *sigh* Oh, it is like yours, my friend. Almost exactly. Same shade of dark dark brown, same length, no bangs. I swear, if I had taken off my baseball cap and the ponytail band we would have been virtually identical from the back and sides. Scary. Oh, and we are the same height. Super scary.
"How much longer...?" is the question that rolls around in my head. How much longer can I maintain this façade? My hair, my body, my voice, my personality. Everything is shifting. It is so much more challenging to go to Guy Mode. It's like going out to a special place like an amusement park---oooo, let's call it Mascu-Land! Their slogan: "It's the Horniest Place On Earth!" It's a magical kingdom where there are plentitudes of gorgeous buxom babes in skimpy clothing and where all the rides look like or have something to do with the penis or vagina or beer or NASCAR. I'm envisioning classic rides like Titty Mountain, It's A Small Brothel After All, and the Main Street Sexual Escapades Parade. (I know what you're thinking, TMI! My ears are bleeding!) I'm so bad. I know.
Seriously, I think this is what everyone else has been telling me about. The Transsexual Imperative. It hits TSs at different stages and mine may be when I can't make enough effort to go to Mascu-Land. That'll be the day: I'd rather sit in bed and snuggle up in front of my bedroom TV eating a slice of toast than getting up at the crack of dawn to go golfing with the guys.
Oh, well, I think I'll be leaving Mascu-Land soon. My season pass is expiring and I don't feel like renewing. Besides I gotta go paint my toenails or something...
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