amberspace

Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber, a post-transition MTF TS. Please use a browser which supports style sheets or make sure that JavaScript is enabled. Perhaps upgrade to the latest Internet Explorer, Netscape, or Mozilla?

	amberspace				"Been there. Been that."	Last updated on 2006.08.10.

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ramblings

K.I.T.
2002.12.07

I just want to preface this Rambling with caution. What follows are some things that have been running around in my head, but they are only thoughts at this stage. I believe one should have full freedom to explore their options before acting upon them. And so I explore...

I'm tired. I'm tired of a lot of things, actually. But the fact remains: I'm always tired.
Lack of energy comes from many things, but they can be categorized into physical and mental exhaustion. Physical exhaustion comes when one has depleted their stored energy reserves, when one has reached their limits, or one has not had enough sleep. Mental exhaustion is closely linked to physical exhaustion, however it has the additional influences of emotional state and difficult logic. If I had a form to fill out that asked me what am I tired of, I would be ticking the box "All of the above." If you want to encapsulate my current state, I can sum it up in three simple words:

I'M BURNED OUT

I hate having limitations. Worse, I hate admitting defeat. I was raised believing that your potential is only limited by what you perceive. And so I tried to break all the barriers I could. Let's review the facts: I'm an overachiever (multiple times straight A's, member/leader of countless clubs, giving 110% of anyone's requests), I'm a fighter (I don't shy away from an argument, I hit my physical limits and push harder, I can [stubbornly] win just about any argument), and I'm diverse (strong masculine, sensitive feminine, open to new suggestion). And I think I've exceeded my limits.
It is hard for me to say that I cannot do the things I know should be able to. But this is reality. This world is bound by physical constraints and I'm a slave to them. No, this is not like The Matrix where you can bend the rules, the spoon does exist. I have come to recognize, painfully, that I cannot continue in my current capacity. I'm overtaxed and other people (including myself) are/have been suffering the consequences.
The biggest enemy of mine is Time. It is against me in almost anything that I do. I still believe that I can do anything if I am dedicated to it. However, I need to have focus in order to become adept or to maintain those abilities. And here is where I fail...

The Ladder of Competence

It is said that in learning something that we proceed through four stages of competence:

1. Unconscious incompetence.
2. Conscious incompetence.
3. Conscious competence.
4. Unconscious competence.

      I'm a creature that likes to become "unconsciously competent" in everything so that I can move on to other things. I like completion, fulfillment. Unfortunately for all of us, I'm not feeling very fulfilled these days. In fact, I'm dropping things.
      It gets deeper. When I'm busy I start to trust people a lot more. That is, when they tell me something, I believe it. Why? Well, it's because I realize I have very limited knowledge and experience to begin with and I don't have the time to figure things out for myself. So, what's the easy way out? Take their advice blindly or copy an example. Living other people's lives is definitely a bad thing in my book.
      See, I'm tired of taking people's words on the surface. I'm tired of not having enough time to devote to aspects of transition. I'm tired of not taking care of myself or my environment. I'm tired of repeating examples in triplicate for literary effect. I'm sooooo tired. (Can you feel the frustration dripping out of this Rambling?) I wouldn't say that I'm becoming a failure in the overachiever sense of not living up to my potential, but close. I know I can be doing so much better than this. I know I can make the time to spend more time taking care of the nuances in my life so I can kick back and relax for a short bit each day.
      My Mom used to say to me that your bedroom is a reflection on the current state of your life. When you take care of it (not necessarily that it's perfectly ordered and clean) you know you have a good handle on life. Let's take a brief look about my room, shall we? Masses of clothes strewn here and there---I have to keep moving a huge pile of clothes from my bed to my desk chair and back just so I can use one or the other. Boxes and plastic containers haphazard on the floor. Receipts all over my desk. A ghastly jungle of cables in corners of my room. Trash that hasn't been taken out in a few weeks. Leftover bottles of water and medication. And piles of magazines, junk mail, and bills I haven't looked at. I think it's safe to say it's a disaster over here.
      I still don't believe in making my bed every morning (just to mess it up later that night), but the fact I've let me room get out of control points to the fact my life is slipping out of my control. And it shouldn't! I mean, this is a critical point in my life where I really need to be focusing on transition, getting my resources in line, talking to my parents, coming out to friends, learning how to dress and act my age, getting back into physical shape, and learning how to relax. I feel that I'm slipping farther and farther behind and the only things I do on a daily basis are: shower, take medication, work, eat, read e-mail, and sleep. (The latter isn't happening that much.)

Where do you fit into this? Well, you are reading Amberspace which is a byproduct of my zest for journalism, insomnia, and a very active mind. It also consumes a large amount of time to maintain. It is a large unwieldy beast, yet strangely organized---honestly, it has a very efficient design and I don't have to do that much to keep it all neat and tidy. However, it consumes time. And if Time is what I need to recover then I have to cut back on things that consume time.
      I think you saw where this is going, but I'll reiterate to make it more formal: I'm running out of time because I haven't managed my time well. This means sacrificing some things so I can create more pockets of time to do other things. So, the targetted areas for time reduction are:

Amberspace. Oh, my baby. My ever-growing site takes forever to ramble, blog, picture edit, etc. Thank goodness I started up the blogging thing because that cuts down on the time it takes to get a thought to a web-accessible document. Alas, it all is too much. Maybe I'll do fewer entries.
Message Boards. I spend way too much time trying to catch up on everything. On one message board I'm involved with, get this: I have put up 546 posts, the next nearest people have contributed 380, 379, and 318 posts. Granted, I am one of the moderators, but it does seem like overkill, yes? Maybe stepping down would be good.
E-mail. Nuts. I hate dropping conversations. But, I may have to start doing that. I'm already at 2-week intervals in responding to most e-mail. This, to me, is unacceptable. Snail mail can have long periods in between letters, but I think e-mail should be answered within a day or two, no more. You don't know how much time I spend on e-mail even when I'm trying just to catch up on reading mail.
Video Games. This is a tough area because I have already curtailed my (ab)usage of it. You have to understand that gaming has been a long-time hobby of mine and my close friends use this as a bonding tool. Ironically, after my laptop got reimaged by our IT department I lost the ability to play several games---in a sense I've already got my wish to reduce gaming time.
Room Cleaning. I try to keep my room neat. When it gets messy there are two main reasons why: too much stuff, too little time. I believe that if you always have about 20% unused space then your room should be neat every second of the day because everything can have a place to be stored. That's what being "neat" is all about: everything looks like it has a place to be in. I can only solve the stuff problem by junking stuff. I've already severely dimished my anime and comics collections so now I have to look elsewhere...

Oh my. So, I believe I have identified a major problem: lack of time. And I think I've identified solutions to create more time. But I understand this means I'm going to be pulling a little farther away from the Community than I'd like. I enjoy being up-to-date with the latest news and chatting with people across the world. I plan to keep that up. But, the fact of the matter is that I can't keep staying up late at night on my computer sacrificing sleep. My body is changing and that means it needs all the help it can get---going sleep deprived is certainly not helping that.
      I'm not sure when I'm going to begin putting this plan into action. But I know something has to change. I think most people have time in their lives to kick back and have fun because they don't hang on e-mail for hours, or message boards, or voice chats, or run web sites. I have to put certain priorities first. I need my health, my family, my friends, my job, and my transition to be in good shape right now, not some day later.
      I need to Keep It Together. Just like in Bowfinger where Eddie Murphy's character, Kit Ramsey, is trying to keep his head straight. I need to do the same. (Keep it together Amber! Keep it together Amber! [Of course the acronym worked a lot better with Kit's first name...]) This is going to look pretty selfish, but what would you do if you were in my position? How could you find a way in the 24 hours/day we have to let ourselves be able to maintain our bodies and experience life?
      I'm torn. I don't want to unsubscribe to mailers. I don't want to delist my e-mail address. I don't want to stay off message boards. But do I really have a choice when I choose to spend time on other things?