Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and
transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber,
a post-transition MTF TS.
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I've felt I've been adrift for a while now. The questions in my
mind pull me through highs and lows, from focus to confusion.
I still wonder whether or not
transition will work out or can work out. Will I ever be able to be
normal? Can I assimilate to a degree such that stealth is really
possible? Can I still have all those unique experiences that
comprise womanhood even though I'm years behind?
I'm told it is possible but I just
don't believe it I guess. I want an example to hold on to that to me
represents a harmony of one's being.
Well I found one, unexpected as it was.
This Sunday I ran into this
living example at the summit. Even though I was one of the younger ones
there, she was by far the youngest. By appearance she was quite pretty,
had a nicely developed body shape,
and her voice was undetectable from that of a GG.
But more than these cosmetic factors, she showed a
certain kind of conviction in her visage. That's what really captivated
my attention.
Just by the way she carried herself and the way she spoke it was almost
a silent statement of saying, "I've arrived at peace with myself and I
gather my strength in that." And I'm thinking as I'm nodding at those
unspoken words, "why can't I be like that?" I know I shouldn't be looking
for an answer from someone else, but I can't help but ask that question
which seeks some kind of advice or comfort from another person. It
sounds needy, and it is. It's one thing for people to say to me, "gee,
you look like a woman." It's another thing for people to voice, "you
so vibe womanness not in the stereotypical woman way but that you exude
confidence and femininity in everything you do." I want to get there and
when I have the example sitting not 2' from me I can't help but idolize
that person and dream.
The trouble with idols is that they have a perceived value. More
specifically each of us places in them the dreams we wish we could have.
The truth is, even though she seems all together I don't know what her
current life is really like. I am not sure even she has had those
wonderful childhood/young adulthood experiences from the female role.
But it's nice to dream she has. I think that's why it depressed me
when I saw that group of girls
on Saturday night. There's a good likelihood I'll not experience that;
I like to think Ms. Example has.
After dropping Gwen off
I had a lot of time to think on the way home.
This girl I casually met did nothing special at all and
yet I garnered a lesson from it.
It was almost as if she transferred a
gift of strength to me, and
while I'm waxing pensive about my lack of history in the female role
I am growing stronger every moment.
I realize I am lucky about where I
am right now. I am on my way to becoming whole in both my
body and my spirit. I already feel more confident and more assured that
I will make this transition work---I've seen the proof but I have to
arrive at that place in my own way.
Hopefully one day soon, when you meet me on the
streets, you too will get that sense that I have discarded any mental
crutches as if being transsexual has somehow crippled me.
Instead you will feel and know I arrived in my center of my power.
