Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and
transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber,
a post-transition MTF TS.
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This is completely off the top of my head. I just needed to write it
and vent...
I'm thinking about transition. No, back up. I'm thinking about winter
fashion. I need clothes. One of the reasons why I didn't go out and
buy clothing was because I was waiting for my body to change. It still
has a long way to go, but I didn't want to go off buying things that
wouldn't hang on me well later. I've already made this mistake many
times. Case in point: a nifty knee-length dark gray wool skirt perfectly
fit my waist at the time when I bought it off-season earlier this year.
Well, I tried it on last month and it slid down to my hips. My friends
who I was going out with even said the 7/8 was too big. In the 5 months
that I've been on HRT my waist has gone from 29.5" to 27.5". Of course
the measurements fluctuate a little but there has been a narrowing
trend.
The other reason why I haven't gone to get clothing was that I haven't
made time. This points to an even larger problem: I'm pretty far along
and should be doing part-time right now. As a result I feel I'm really
behind in the re-socialization aspect. I don't have problems going out
but I know that I just need more "flight time".
So, back to transition. In March 2003 I will have been on full HRT
for 9 months. I should have experienced a great amount of change by
then and I really should be considering going full-time. I'm being
held back by three things that I can think of:
I'm not devoting enough time to being in public and learning how
to just be at ease with myself. Not so self-conscious, and a little
more aware of how the general female populous goes about their
daily lives.
I need to start looking more like a girl. That means clothing and
grooming. I have only very recently started experimenting with
makeup and I'm just getting used to wearing foundation more often.
I need time to explore what looks I like and what makeup tools I
can use to achieve that.
Lastly, surgery. Despite what some people say, there are two things
that consistently bother me: orbital bossing and my Adam's apple.
(Yes, I must sound like a broken record by now.) Even though
neither are hugely prominent, they are there. The Adam's apple issue
is easy to solve with a trach shave which I know will run me about
$3,700 around these parts. I know the surgeon and where he'll put
the scar and that he's had decent success with his patients in the
past. I know the recovery times and the general procedure. However,
getting my forehead fixed is a bit more iffy. I know the surgeon
will be charging $6,000 for it, not including supplies and hospital
care. I would prefer not to pay $6,000. But, for the $10,000+ I
would give up I know I would be a lot less self conscious not having
those two things nagging me all the time. (It was like when I had
a beard: that annoyed me to no end.)
Well, if I'm considering the above things then I really need to be
getting my butt in gear. Name change, coming out letters, surgery
deposits, plane tickets, workplace issues, etc. I mean, I'm coming
up close to when I really need to do all this stuff in a compact
period of time. And this leads to something even more scary:
RLT. Yup. I know that once I start the ball rolling it will be
difficult to stop. In a sense it's already rolling because on the
current schedule my body is changing at its own pace.
I guess I'm a little frightened. I hate deadlines until I'm absolutely
sure I know what I'm doing. I feel I'm behind schedule in planning out
this transition thing. I never used to have anything really to tell
my therapist, but I think now I finally do. I've got lots of little
issues coming up and I need advice and stability to keep me on track.
I need help from those who have been there so I can follow in some of
their footsteps, improvising a little where I have to. I need to learn
how to be "me" and figure out how Amber will interact with the
world.
I need to start moving and letting go of the past. I had a T-friend
who said one night over dinner that, "I never got to mourn my guy self,"
and then she broke down in tears. I understood but did not feel. Now
I'm beginning to get the feeling of what it means to divorce yourself
from yourself. I'm uneasy admitting that nothing will be the same in
a few months. I still might have my friends, and my family might still
talk to me, and I might be able to keep my job, but life is going to
do a fundamental shift.
What's fundamental? Even though I know inside I am much more feminine
than masculine, I think I still tend to think of myself in
male terms. It's not that I don't see my
feminine core and don't believe that I'm really a woman, but I can all
too easily fall back on my past and rely on my guy-ish traits. I don't
know if this is making any sense but I need to approach everything with
a female perspective. I need to shift my mental center
to think of myself in female terms with just a male wrapping.
And to do so means finally committing
to the fact that I'm going to make this transition work.
Unfortunately there is one huge byproduct of doing that I think that's
what's keeping me back the most. Leakage. I'm already starting to
leak Amber out in bits and pieces in my everyday life, but I've been able
to restrain it and keep my Guy Mode and Girl Mode separate. I'm moving
to the day where there will just be Me Mode and no division in between.
Me in the "purest" sense. I'm afraid of the fallout from the stares,
the talking-behind-the-backs of my colleagues, and my parents finally
saying, "son, we can't have you appear here as a girl." But, if I'm
going to start acting my age then I'd better do it full-heartedly.
Maybe, this can be summed up a different way: I'm afraid of being
labelled a transsexual. (Ugh, I hate that word.) I just want to be a
person and approach life the way I want. I want to assimilate and be
plain and ordinary. I don't want people to gasp in restrooms. I
don't want my future partners to walk away. I don't want to be an
outcast.
Alienation.
I've been there before and I can go there again, but I hate going there.
I'm strong, but I'm getting weaker and I know it. My emotional and
physical stability was not as it was even a year ago. As I've learned
to open up it has made me more vulnerable, I think. And no amount of
planning can make it an absolute success. So what can I do?
The logical side of me (that spoke first in this Rambling) says that
I need to devote more time to me and that will at least give me the
opportunity to make me feel that I've caught up and to get more
adjusted. The logical side also says that I need to put a plan down
in writing so I can at least start making goals and meet them. But,
the emotional side is all worked up about this.
The emotional side doesn't want to deal with this. It's just so
... complicated? ... too much work? ... because I'm not prepared?
My emotional side just wants me to go chill out somewhere and read
a book or three. I guess when I think of going full-time it seems like
some kind of Armageddon, but I'm not sure why. It's like a point of
no return.
I've always thought the commencement of HRT was the point of no return
but now that I think about it, it's more full-time. As soon as I come
out to everyone, get my life together, and then start living 24/7 as
Amber, there will be no going back.
Anyways...
So I've got the transition schedule on my brain. It's tough but
doable. Wish me luck...
