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ramblings |
Crossing the Lines
1999.10.30
Okay, two people know now about Amber and, well, they aren't exactly thrilled. Of course they aren't running for the hills, but I can sense their apprehension. I'm hoping they're seeing something I'm not. But anyways...
I have been wondering what the root cause of the dysphoria is, and I may have just stumbled on it. It includes:
- my perceptions of what male and female are
- my self-projection/self-image
That same environment that nurtured my personality also instilled in me roles of male and female. It told me what was appropriate for little boys and little girls. It made me realize that all of my clothes should button up with the left side over the right. It told me hugging another member of my sex even out of friendship was wrong unless I won the World Series or I hadn't seen that person in a long time. It forever stained my view of how I should interact with the rest of the world. And this provided the base for the dysphoria. What fostered that seed of discontent into a deeply-rooted weed is the fact that I feel trapped by these rules of society. I want to conduct my life in a way "A" but most people around me tell me I should do it in way "B". This ain't Burger King---I can't have it my way. (Or can I?)
So, over the years minor frustration accumulates and now later in life it has to be expressed somehow. One way some people do it is slip into dresses because it is a clear-cut rejection of masculinity. (Or for FTM, you could cut your hair and adopt some mostly-male hobbies.) I started buying androgynous clothes and growing my hair out. Not much, you say, but it was my own little rebellion. But I was acting out something which I missed and something I thought represented the person I wanted to be. On the more extreme end, there are those that go all the way through transition. Not that that's a mistake because for many people it is the right solution for them. But, I caution the casual thinker that that will solve all of their problems. Personally, if I don't have to go through that then I won't. Let me explain.
Each of us has an inner child with particular wants and desires, and that child does not have a sex or a true gender identity. That's why it can like both things from sides of the gender lines. Over time, though, it usually develops an inclination towards things of its gender because it is constantly reminded by its environment of what it should like or not like. (No matter how you fight it, the rest of the world operates on gender lines and stopping that is impossible.) But, since the child eventually finds points happiness within its given gender designation, it becomes locked into it.
You know this expression: can't teach an old dog new tricks. Well, the brain gets so comfortable thinking in certain ways after a lifetime of gender reinforcement that you can't change it without a great deal of therapy and a personal commitment. In general, gender concepts are perpetuated through generations and most people can't conceive of life any other way. That is, unless you're transgendered.
Transgendered people (mostly transsexuals) are those who still aren't locked into the gender roles because they recognize the logical barrier between male and female. They know (or at least think they know) what they would like to be, and that conviction is an unshakable cornerstone of their being. They become trapped not just in the body itself but in the gender role they are asked to play. Over time this amasses itself into a larger problem, and it's sad that some think that the only solution is suicide.
The thing we must do---I must do---is find a way to say "it's OK for you to want to be a certain way and here's how you can integrate it." That's far from saying that if you want to be an axe murderer it's OK. But, if you want to change the way you are, then you should have that ability. Our goal is to integrate with a society in a way which we feel comfortable about ourselves, at as little inconvenience of other people as possible. So, I see two solutions which can lead to success, both which require serious balls (or "eggs"???):
- Transition: Become that which you desire as a physical manifestation.
- Integration: Break the gender barriers and do what you like.
The other solution to the dysphoria problem involves breaking the localized notions of what gender lines are and integrating your true self into daily life. That doesn't mean necessarily doing the in-your-face man-in-a-dress thing---you're asking for a whuppin'. (Remember that we still have to deal with other people's comfort zones and respect their ability to cope with our dysphoria!) But, it means to not be so self-conscious. Do what you want because you like it. Send the critics away. Embrace those who like you for who you are and not what you are. This is very tough because most people out there won't understand. They will chide you, ignore you, or worse. But don't blame them because they are slaves to their hormones and to their little culturally-created parentally-enforced comfort zones. So you have to be strong---you got to have bigger balls than everyone else---and you have to be wary to avoid obstacles. You may have to break friendships. You may even have to move. You may have to lead a dual life: one at home and one at work. But, it will give you the chance to get back to your roots.
Is there any easy solution? No. But, if our goal is to finally liberate that shackled inner child, then we have to find ways of releasing it. I suggest that we start with the second "solution" which liberates the "real you" first. Then, if necessary, transition. See, I feel that transition is like the last resort where if it seems impossible to break the gender barriers in your current mode, then you have to change your appearance. Since the rest of the world won't change their views of gender lines, you change your body, your voice, your name, your speech patterns, and your emotional output to fit their views. And that may be the right decision for you. But that's why I said that transition won't solve the basic problem of becoming psychologically and emotionally liberated---you're only donning a different costume but you'd still be carrying the same baggage of fears and depression.
Where do we go from here? I'm starting what I've at least termed "pre-RLT". I'm going to see how well selective integration works. If that fails, then move on to the next step.
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