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ramblings |
Loneliness: 3rd Strike
2002.09.01
After my happy happy joy joy blogging and recent ramblings (Exhibit A, Exhibit B) you'd think life was looking up, and it is. Don't get me wrong on that. But here is a humbling thought that occurred to me this morning.
Friends are a real treasure. You can't buy true friends. You have to win them over with your wit and charm, really---if you don't have wit hopefully you have charm.
Have you ever asked yourself how you got to be good friends? Usually it was because either your personalities clicked together well or you had things in common. But what if these two things change? Well, actually the things in common part changes for everyone, which is probably why each friend fades out of your life at some point. If you maintain contact with this person then you'll keep the bond between you active because you've got the personality part going for you. That means that you might be able to maintain that relationship over a very long period of time by contacting each other frequently.
This takes work, to be sure. Friends don't just drop into your lap. You have to work at bridging the initial gap between you two to become just a little bit vulnerable so that a bond can be established. Then you work on that bond by doing things in common and by seeing each other every so often. Should you cease to keep working on this bond it will eventually dissolve into a relationship of acquaintances.
It's not a lot an insurmountable amount of work, really. It does take time, however. Time to meet, time to strengthen, and time to maintain. Maybe that's why most of us will only have 3, 4, or 5 super-close friends in our lives. It takes so much time to nurture an everlasting bond.
Why am I bringing this up? I came to the realization probably about three years ago that I would once again be faced with loneliness. I saw it coming because of a number of factors and I think those factors are beginning to align and mature. That means the possibility of things happening is becoming more and more real. I may very well be alone again in life.
This isn't the first time, no. There have been two distinct phases in my life where this has happened and the third is approaching:
- #1: as child when I entered kindergarten
- #2: when I went to college
- #3: when I transition
The second segment was when I went to college. None of my friends went to the same one that I did and so quite literally I had to make a whole new set of friends all over again. I learned very quickly how to put on a stronger show and try to be proactive in making friends. I put myself in very uncomfortable positions like going to many club meetings as a total stranger. I knew I would feel out of place, and by George I did. But it was well worth the effort as I have met a lot of really great people and a cluster of us have become a core set of friends over the past few years.
The third time is fast approaching. As I get more serious about transition, I realize that I must become more solid in my resolve because my mettle is about to be tested. If I go full-time then my personality will be harmonious with me but no longer harmonious with other people. The reasons why I have my core set of friends today is because, well, I'm one of the guys. (Granted, a feminine one, but I "pass" as a male.) As I let my old interests take a back seat the things which I once had in common with my friends will wane and thus the bonds will dissolve. Even my personality is taking on a different angle and that angle may not jive with the rest of the bunch. Hence, we will drift. I won't be invited to certain things or I won't go to them. We'll have different interests and topics of conversation. A split is nearly inevitable. Hopefully, though, I'll be able to maintain these people as long-term friends, but they not be close ones.
This means that I'm going to have to hit the pavement again and make a whole new set of friends. Don't get me wrong, I'm not purposefully walking away from my current friends, it's just that the reality of it is that people quite often lose their friends in transition. I am going to have to learn how to hide my past to some extent and portray myself as Amber all of the time and meet new people this way. This is going to take a lot of energy and there probably will be sections of time where I'm completely alone. I may not even be able to get much company from my parents if they don't come around...
I know this all sounds pretty gloomy. It may not be this bad. But I can't ignore this scenario because it has played itself out so many times with my other transgendered friends. And so I go forth knowing the risks I'm about to take.
You may ask why I just can't be myself completely and not worry about my past when meeting new people. Well... the reasons for this are complex but it comes down to the fact that I'd like to try living semi-stealth if possible. I don't plan on being a major force within the transsexual community, to be a poster girl, to be out in newspapers and magazines. I just want a modest life and that means putting some of the baggage away in a backroom closet.
This does not mean I'm going to deny all knowledge of the trans community. Oh no no no... It's just that I won't tell people what went on in my life unless they seem sincere in their request to know about it. If someone asks the right questions and I think they are respectable folk then I have little problem being open about things. It's just that I want to live on as a person and not as an object. Y'know?
I'm a strong person. I am also very human. I am trying to do the best I can. I want to be fair to everyone. I hope that other people can see this in me and post-transition there will be many wonderful evening spent in the company of others. A girl can hope, right?
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