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ramblings |
In The Middle
2002.05.05
I once said to a friend while shopping, "being in the middle sucks." Really, it does. You're not really a girl, not really a guy. You have to remember which mode you're in. People mistake you all the time. You sometimes want to act on your impulses but quickly realize that that wouldn't be appropriate for your gender presentation. Living two lives is a lot of work, but it has its interesting moments.
I was out with my ex today poking around the city and we finally ended up at a mall. So I went into a card store to pick up some Mother's Day and thank-you cards. I'm wearing a cream colored t-shirt with a denim shirt over it, jeans, and my hair is tied back as usual. I step up to the counter and I'm looking the girl straight in the eyes and she says, "Find everything alright miss?"
I pause, thinking how to answer this. I figured, hey, I'm in transition and I might as well have fun with it. So I put on this goofy grin and say in my cool baritone voice, "Sure."
Almost like the Matrix time came to a snail's crawl as she dropped the cards she was scanning and her hands went straight to her mouth that had formed itself into a great big "O". This moments before turning a slight shade of rose.
"Oh, I am so sorry!" she pined.
"No, no..." I tried comforting her. "It's OK. It happens once in a while."
Let's just say she was overly apologetic from then on until I left the store. It was the "hair" she said.
My photo (6 years old)
is on my credit card and she looked at it saying that I looked
so different back then. Yup. So, that's #1.We're feeling a little hungry so my friend and I head over to a local American-type restaurant. We wait for our table and the waitress escorts us over. She leaves, so my friend and I start chatting but we pause as the waiter approaches. And he introduces himself with those magical words, "And how are we doing this evening ladies? Can I start you off with something to drink?"
I perk my head up a little and I'm staring at my friend who now has raised eyebrows too. There is this miniscule-yet-significant pause where she and I are just looking at each other. You know, it's that kind of look where we're both thinking, "um, okay, what are you going to do next?"
I grin again and look at him right in the eyes. "Water will be fine." Oh yeah, I got him.
"Oh. Sir! I-I'm sorry about that. I just-"
I jump in, "no problem, you're the second person today to do that."
And the hits don't stop there. Later on he's bringing us our drinks and he swoops in with two glasses of water and says: "here you are gentlemen." I see my friend across from me starting to bust up laughing with her girlish giggle and I can't help a chortle or two. "Oh!" he says, "I'm a, umm, a, uh, here you go guys." Really, he was pretty messed up at that point.
Honestly, no, I'm not trying to screw with people's perception of gender. I'm just myself as I am at home and at work. I don't act more femme than I do and I don't wear anything special. It sometimes wonder how it is when I'm actually dressed and using my femme voice. *shrug*
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