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ramblings |
Need vs. Want: Part 3
1999.01.22
(Just a quick update on my shopping escapades.)
I didn't get much time to browse around today because I was running from work to home, but I did manage to stop by a JC Penny store. I've seen a lot of nice things at the more pricey stores (e.g. Macy's and Nordstroms), but I recognize the fact that spending all that money on articles of clothing that I don't normally use is just a waste of resources. And while the quality of the fabric or workmanship may not be the same, you still can find decent threads at the department stores. So, for the $80-$140 I might pay, I can find very similar things in the $30-$70 range.
After perusing the racks for a while I settled on a few different items. One of the biggest problems is that since I can't try on the clothes at the store, I had to guess my sizes based on a lot of estimation. I know that I have to be bigger than my girlfriend who is around a 6. And, for one of my Internet friends who is around 5'8", she wears a size 14. So, that puts me at 5'4" somewhere near the middle. My best guess was an 8P or 10P and that seems to be right on target.
I ended up getting a black rayon skirt with yellow and light red flower print, semi-elastic at the top ($36). I also purchased a rayon blend dress which had a beige pleated skirt section, white blouse top, and beige vest ($49)---pretty cute. Both are long as they come down to just above the ankles and are a good fit, if just a tad small. So, it's looking like I may not even need to find nylons since a pair of cheap shoes will probably do.
The one problem is that after previous years of exercising and occasional lifting my upper body is not exactly slim. So, while the black skirt fit just fine, the dress's blouse was pretty form-fitting (for lack of a better word). Not really tight, but not loose either. It was only slightly tight on the upper back when I attempted to bring both shoulders forward---but that's probably expected because doing that really increases the back surface area. So, overall, I got really lucky. I will definitely have to shoot for 9P or 10P next time if the dresses are going to be more body-hugging otherwise I'll have to stand up straight a lot.
^_^The last time I wore a skirt was 7 years ago in high school. I can remember that that was an unusual but fun feeling. And here we are in 1999 and now I actually have some clothing. The initial feelings after wearing the dress were relief because it fit, happiness that I actually was able to buy a couple of female items without problem, excitement because I now have something to wear to the next support group meeting, arousal (but it didn't last for more than a couple of minutes, hm...), energy probably from the excitement part but nonetheless it made me smile, comfort because the garments just felt "normal", and peace because I liked what I saw in the full-length mirror (although I have a ways to go if I want to achieve a more feminine form).
I have been a nervous wreck for a week since I started hitting the malls, and now I have some things to show for my efforts. I had my Valentines excuses lined up and they seemed to work pretty well. Maybe that and the fact that I had been shopping repeatedly for days has given me a sense of confidence. The first time I started out trying to wander through the girl's sections I could just feel the temperature rise and small bits of perspiration building up everywhere. Today, I wasn't even really that nervous, picked out what I wanted, and paid the cashier with a smile. I even had a nice conversation with her for a few minutes. For icing on the cake, I asked for some gift boxes. It's funny when you think about it because if I had it giftwrapped right there in the store, I know that it would just be a waste of paper 'cuz I'd remove it when I got home. Ah, but it's all part of making illusion convincing.
I spent some time in the dress and there was the initial period of "wow" at the beginning, but it quickly trickled off to where it was more like "okay, cool, now let's get back on with life." Maybe it's because my mind has been partially focused on work, but I didn't really focus on the clothes that much after a few minutes. To me, I really don't get personal satisfaction from wearing a dress and it seems that the best way to let "Amber" out of my male skin is just to be more sociable. If someone makes nice comments about my clothes, that probably would give me a little ego boost, but I'd still have to be "Amber" in person to feel any more comfortable.
So, what else do I need to do in the next two weeks? I need a small purse just big enough to hold my wallet, pager, and Palm Pilot. I also probably need some black nylons or tights. Shoes are also a must. A simple necklace would be nice, but not necessary. I don't think I'll bother with makeup, wigs, breast forms, or earrings for the moment because there's only so much I can hide away. Besides, this is just the tip of the iceberg and it's best not to totally rush in and rack up a $500 credit card debt...
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