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ramblings |
No Cry
2002.03.17
Ever since I started doing a lot of online reading about other people's stories, I've seen a lot of times where people got to the point of crying. But, when I think about it, I rarely cry. I guess in some ways this sort of bothers me, though I can't quite say why.
So I put on the Analytical Hat and I start thinking: I never really have extreme feelings at all. Period. Sure there are times when I am sad or angry or happy or whatever. But I'm never really really depressed or violently angry or bouncing off the ceiling...
I got to thinking some more and I realize that in general I'm very disconnected with my emotions. Maybe that's why I'm usually in denial about lots of things and I rely on evidence (e.g. trends and facts) to tell me what's going on. Disconnected...
One interesting note: for the past few electrolysis sessions I've been using no local anesthetics. None. Yes, it hurts like heck, but I've not used any. When I'm on the table getting painfully probed, I sort of relax and disconnect myself from the physical pain into a sort of world of nothingness. It's kind of weird, really.
Looking back at my life, my whole life is a lot like that. My favorite expression way back even like in 3rd grade was: "it doesn't matter." My second favorite was: "I don't care." This was even bad enough that when I got to high school that in my freshman Spanish class I even responded to the teacher's questions with "No me importa nada." (It doesn't matter to me.)
Now here is something interesting: when I am "myself" (read: not feeling like I have to be guy-ish) I feel much more connected to my emotions and my body. It's like the whole experience of living is magnified.
*sigh*
I don't know where I'm going with this thought but I'm wondering if my entire life has actually been numb because it was my defense mechanism to shield me from myself. (Um, got that?) I knew what was socially expected of me and I tried to do it, though it was always as if I was just repeating some mechnical emotions. Come to think of it, here's a scarier thought: did I ever really ever have true friends?
OK, I admit this is a stretch. I think I have had friends, but not in the true best-friend sense. It wasn't until recently when I really got more involved in my other friends' lives. My friends used to be just people to play video games with or to save me from infinite boredom---then again I have this habit of finding things to keep me busy, but that's another topic. So, the friends I've made in the past few years (especially my T* friends) have actually been a lot more meaningful. Not that I didn't care about my other friends, but the more recent ones are ones that I would make sacrifices for. I guess. I think if things happened to them then I would actually feel more emotional pain. Maybe even cry a little.
I had better get to sleep and worry about this later. Maybe I'll have a moment of clarity in my dreams or something.
Speaking of dreams: more recently I've been popping up in Girl Mode. Strange, indeed.
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