Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and
transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber,
a post-transition MTF TS.
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When I left for FFS in mid-February
I didn't tell many people. It wasn't really because I was trying
to be stealthy or that I didn't want people to have me in their
thoughts. Rather, I just didn't think it was that big of a deal
and I hate transition being The Topic of conversation. Don't get me wrong.
Any surgery (especially under general anesthesia and requiring
a night's stay in the hospital hooked to an IV) should not be taken
lightly. I just felt that my reasons for doing this were on a personal
level.
Now, I'm going to say something that might upset some people...
(because I know that they read these blogs too),
but I'm going to say it anyways because I think it's a valid point
and this blog is about eyes-wide-open and not sugar-coated perspective.
A big problem I worry about with the whole trans thing is that surgery
and medication inevitably become the centerpiece of most of our
conversations. To those in the process of transition these things are
like air and water, vital to our survival. We make a big
deal out of it because it's expensive, emotionally draining, wonderous,
and it transforms our lives. But quite frankly the rest
of the world doesn't care. It's not relevant to them. And I'm at the
point where it's almost not relevant to me.
A T friend recently told me that she was very close friends with this
other girl. So to take their friendship to "the next level" she came
out to that girl. A week or so later, that girl stopped returning
her e-mail and phone messages, effectively ceasing contact. While I
think the girl certainly could have been more tactful, one of the
things that ran through my mind at the time of hearing this story was
why did my T friend have to say anything at all?
Take another instance, another T friend has two kids.
She is very open about the transition with them. When she picked
me up from the airport her daughter was in the front seat, I in the
back. I knew the questions would lead to what was the surgery about,
how did I feel, etc. right in front of her daughter. I'm not saying
it's wrong, but let's switch to her daughter's point of view. I
don't think the daughter cares, probably even tunes it out. It may
be an interesting fact to her that her mom is trans, but does it
really impact her life any? Will she just tire of hearing about
these things?
There is a guy I know that has been sort of courting me for a while.
I did meet up with him about 2 weeks ago for crepes, in fact the day
before I left for Scottsdale. I have never told him about my past
nor do I intend to. I don't think it would really add anything to
our friendship, rather it might only complicate things. Transition
is not relevant to his life.
I can think of plenty of other examples when trans say things in
situations where I really don't think it adds anything. I almost
feel like us trying to talk about our pasts and travails is more
of a grab for attention and to make us feel special than it is
to truly contribute something back to our friends' lives. I am
not saying that stealth is the way to go about this. No,
I'm saying that I think as trans we have to be judicious about
how we use our experiences with non-trans and resist the urge
to use it for any special leverage.
I keep thinking about a T friend who transitioned MTF and then
decided to basically undo all of it back to male status. Where
did she go wrong? Why couldn't she be happy in her new life and
body? First, you have to understand the circumstances. She
transitioned here in Silicon Valley, moved out to a small town
where she knew no one, didn't go to any trans group meetings or
anything, hated life, transitioned back, then moved back to
a different part of this state. I think the reason why things
didn't work out is that in Silicon Valley she had T friends here
who saw her as a spirited T woman. Out there in the middle of
nowhere they saw her as just "a woman", nothing special,
no significant status. And if you don't go out to recreate your
social network then you're pretty much stuck in lonliness.
I worry a lot about other trans that if they ever left their
trans friends and were in a place where they couldn't necessarily
tell anyone they're trans, would they consider giving up and
changing back? What if they were no longer special or that their
major life changes meant nothing to people around them? I'm
sure you might recall the old old wisdom that if a person
transitioned they must leave town and take up residence far
away. I think there is actually something positive to it:
you are forced to meet people w/out speaking about your past
to garner sympathy. Also, the previous idea that you had to
pass very very well to be considered for transition has
benefits: new people you meet cannot use anything clue on your
physical body to differentiate you or bring up the topic of
transition.
I think that is why I always stay away from trans gatherings
where people talk about trans topics. I do meet with
trans people, but I challenge any one of them to name a time when
I initiated a trans topic---unless I had a serious concern. I
don't use my trans history for any special leverage, attention,
or anything.
I think that's also why I didn't like talking with
my ex-guy-friend that chased my ass for the past few years---he
kept bringing up the past when I just wanted to leave it for dead.
True, there were times when I did need to talk about things, but
I don't think I brought up transition once my life really got
going in 2004.
I think about Kate (from Authentikate
fame) once in a while. After having met her in person and chatted
with her, I really got the sense that while she had sort of a
special place in the T world, her professional and social life
included none of transition because she too realizes that
trans topics have no place in daily conversation. Even from
her pre-SRS episodes of going clubbing or taking boys home
or whatever, I didn't see it so much as a desire for sex but
rather a desire to rip the scarlet T off her chest and just
exist as if the word "transgender" never been invented. (I could
be very wrong, but that was what I gathered between-the-lines.)
Let's do something now.
I encourage people in the trans community right now
as soon as possible when they get together
with their friends, T friends, or meet up with strangers
to do a little experiment for 1 session:
don't talk about surgery, hormones, name changes,
tucking, boob jobs, makeup, spouse acceptance issues,
compare themselves to GGs, or
anything else related to transition. And during this
brief time period, really examine how you feel. What do you
really have in common with these people now that you don't
have "transgender" as the centerpiece of conversation. Right.
Do you get that weird feeling of emptiness? Non-trans don't
feel that. So if you attempt talk about trans issues to a
non-trans, do you see how out-of-place it feels?
There is definitely a time and place for talking openly about
our transgender concerns. Especially when you're first starting
out it's vital to your self-esteem, your knowledge, and knowing
who you can lean on. But after your surgeries are done with and
RLT is fading away into a distant memory, I think transition
should seriously take a back seat. It's time to liberate those
brain cells that have been so dedicated to surviving and put
them towards building new friendships and relationships.
