|
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|||||
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
ramblings |
No 'Tude
(aka "Why I Haven't Come Out To Myself Yet")
2002.06.05
I lacked the "attitude" as my friend put it. I think she's right. There is just something about projecting your inner self to the rest of the world and I guess I'm not doing that very well. I'm not very confident about how I look because I am afraid that people are going to read me. I know it's all in my head but it's a hard thought to shake. I think that stifles my presentation.
I don't know what I have to really do to tap into myself and stop making me worry about others perceive me. I think that maybe if I go out more and interact with people and they don't seem weirded-out by it then that will boost my confidence levels.
I was thinking that I must still be harboring either guilt or shame about me being in women's spaces or just being a girl in public. But then I think I stumbled onto something a bit more profound: I don't think I've quite come out to myself yet.
I think that's what's really holding me back right now from unleashing Amber at full force. I think that I haven't acknowledged the fact that I am Amber and Amber is me. I've said that a bunch of times but I am not quite sure I've felt it. Before I've said it more as a factual statement because I don't really change into a completely different person when I'm in Girl Mode versus Boy Mode.
Maybe I'm afraid to be her. Despite my pining to live as female I have to admit my current guyish life is quite comfy. I am stubborn and resistant to change, and always have been. (Just because I try something new doesn't mean I'm going to like it!) I still don't want to lose everything that I've worked for and I still don't want to hurt people in the process. Maybe that's what keeps me from embracing the person I feel has been kept hidden.
I'm thinking that I will probably develop a stronger sense of who I am relatively soon. I will be able project that attitude that says to everyone else "I am a woman and you can't take that away from me". My guess is that after FFS and a year or so of HRT I may be able to truly achieve this. But also I need to admit to myself some things first and believe what I say to myself...
Hey you... Yeah, you've been ignoring me. You're afraid because you know that you can't ignore me no matter how hard you try. You wear these stupid masks, or you think you are somehow wearing them, as if they tell everyone else in this crazy world that you are a guy. No, it doesn't work and it probably hasn't worked. You've been picked on for your little girlish nuances and even been accused of being gay. Admit it: it wasn't working and it certainly isn't now. You go to work and be the team player that you are with your long hair tied back in a neat ponytail and maybe a baseball cap turned backwards. You know you're uncomfortable. That hair is like your personality: tied. You know how good it is to just let it run free. You're afraid to do it because you're afraid of what everyone else will say. Well, guess what? They probably see me through you anyhow no matter what you do. How can they not? You're not exactly projecting the image of a masculine male. You don't dress or act that way. You never have. Clothes aren't everything but they do speak volumes about who you are. Heck, even your boss has been asking why you broke up with your girlfriend. You've been deflecting his questions. You have told him you're still friends with her. Ugh. Can't you see it? Everyone knows something's up. Your friends too. They've been making cracks at you about how you're like a girl for years now. Why can't you just bring it out in the open? You say you're tough and yet you can't just open yourself up. Oh, that's right, you don't want to "out" yourself to too many people. Despite that, they are your friends for crying out loud. Listen, I don't mean to go too hard on you but this is bothering you. And what affects you affects me. We're symbiotic I suppose. No, actually, that's not true. You are a mask which I've made to survive. You've served me well but maybe it's time I move on. Really, it's getting to the point where I can't keep using you. You don't think people haven't noticed that most of your daily wear shoes are actually girls shoes? Or that you tuck your hair behind your ears all cutesy? Or that you seem to be drawn to movies and TV shows which the rest of your guy friends cringe at? (Well, maybe the last point is not exactly a strong statement.) And you keep criticizing your voice! Of all people... You know it isn't perfect but it works well enough. Stop being so self-conscious. You know who you really are and I know I can't hide forever. And won't you just admit that people aren't totally staring at you all of the time? Sheesh. They aren't. You have to learn how to be free again like when you were a kid. You have to figure out how to say to rest of the world "I belong here." You do. You have the persmission to be proud of yourself and of your body. You also have permission to be proud of the fact that you had crossed the gender barriers at one time in your life. Not everyone can do that, no. (Not that that is something that everyone should do, but you know what I mean.) Some time before you go full-time you are going to have to come to terms with this or people are going to trounce you. They'll sense that you're still holding back, still scared, and you can't be. The world doesn't treat the weak very nicely and you're going to be living in male-dominated worlds and treated accordingly. You have a lot of things going for you and it's time for you to pick up your head and admit that things really can and do work. You may not be the most beautiful creature among the female species but you can be quite ordinary. Learn to embrace that ordinary-ness and find ways to enhance your appearance. That'll in turn lead to confidence boosting and you can go from there. You know I love you and I don't want to see you still trapped. We're in this together. We will do this.
|
 |
 |
|
|