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ramblings |
Amber on the Town II
2001.06.10
I consider today to be a pretty big success in my book. A T* friend suggested I come along with her and a few others for a day on the town---and that I go as Amber. That means female voice, female attitude, female clothes, female accessories, etc. Hair clips, white t-shirt, sienna sweater, floral print dress, bra, sandals, and a backpack style purse. Nothing unusual for females my age and size.
I know I've been looking to do things like this for a while and so I was pretty agreeable to this. So we all went to lunch, went to a memorial site, to a science exploration center, to a historical site, to dinner, to a show, and finally to dessert. From 10:00 AM all the way to 2:00 AM the next morning, I was in Full Amber Mode. And it was quite uneventful.
By that I don't mean to say boring. Oh, far far from that. It was a very enjoyable experience and great company. Rather, I never got harassed or read---at least no one said anything to my face. I was in and out of women's restrooms and briefly talking to other people. Overally it was a day of good times without conflict. Uneventful.
What does this tell me? Cross-living is no big deal to me. It is nice to be "myself" but it is not all that different from life as it is already. I didn't expect things to be drastically different, but I wondered what nuances would bug me. Nothing really did.
I think what has greatly helped me to get to this point where I am confident enough to appear in public without fear of being read is facial electrolysis. Knowing that I don't have any beard, the Man Mask, that could give me away, the only things left might be my Adam's apple or the size of my hands or feet. However, since it's difficult to guage the size of one's hands or feet most of the time, there's only that one small area that can really spell disaster. If I don't draw attention to it then hopefully no one will notice or care.
I guess I'm gaining motivation to do these things more often. I know I just have to get cross-living experiences. Without it I won't know how I feel about myself in public situations. I want to be sure that I'm more TS than CD and this is one way to prove it. If you've read the other ramblings here then you know that I've tried to apply logic to my struggles and scrutinize my past in order to find clues as to why I am TG. I have found nothing that I can say is scientifically valid evidence. In short, I've given up trying to find a reason for everything. I now need to just do things and evaluate my feelings after the fact.
This scares me because it defies common sense. Shouldn't I be able to come up with some kind of tangible proof of my "sickness" so that I can be "cured"? The idea of western medicine is that you see the symptoms, you find the root cause, and then you use drugs, surgery, or physical therapy to solve the problem. But, there is nothing that can be gained by today's methods to give me such data. So, it's all in my head. And since my psychotherapy sessions couldn't give me that concrete answer of either "you're crazy" or "you're a TS", I have to change my approach to just doing some part-time cross-living.
Besides electrolysis, I think one of the major reasons why I haven't gone cross-living before is due to my significant other. Granted we're not married, however she is an important part of my life. I really hate to put her through this or embarass her. (I guess those of you who have relationships understand this part.) I worry about her feelings and whether or not I can resolve my own problems to become a good mate for her again. But, I have to be honest with myself and this whole TG thing has been bugging me for too long. I must find an answer even at the cost of my relationship.
Some people say that it's a real gift being transgendered. You see the good and bad of both genders and understand how men and women work. I have to say, though, that being TG is one of the most disruptive, painful, and costly "gifts" that you could get. I think that with the exception of small minority of TG people, most TGs create or instigate problems in the wake of their decisions. Well, this is more of a TS thing, but TGs also make waves. There isn't like a graceful way of handling the coming-out issue or the transition issue. While there is joy and support to be found, it is all too common to have ill feelings thrown at you.
I dunno. I don't know where I'm going now. I just know that I need to continue to find opportunities to cross-live and see where things go. I am not afraid (as I was before) to try this out. I just hope that one day soon I'm going to have enough experiences so I can make a final decision on where I need to go.
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