Amberspace: Information resources for transsexual (TS) and
transgendered (TG) persons. Follow the journey of Amber,
a post-transition MTF TS.
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WARNING: Read this only if you've got a spare couple of tissues
on hand.
I just awoke from a dream where I met this guy. Actually it was at
the very tail end of a dream where I was already semi-conscious.
I'm still in bed and still in my PJs; I just rolled over to grab my
laptop and typed:
...
I found myself
somewhere wide and open. It was somewhere in the afternoon but
there was a light wall of fog ahead of me. I was walking slowly
forward with trepidation in each step. And then, out of the
fog, a figure materialized. First as a silhouette, then full
form. It was a guy, about my height with short black hair,
plain white T-shirt, khakis, and dark Dr. Martens-like shoes.
He was of good build, athletic-looking with strong
shoulders and tight stomach---you could tell by the way the
shirt hung on his torso. And he was walking right straight
at me.
My walk turned into a fast walk, turned into a run, and
then I found myself standing before his beguiling smile. My
long hair waved in the breeze, he was as steady as stone with his
hands anchored in his pockets. I realized we were at a beach and
the sun was beginning to set---the water silently lapped at the
soft sand to my right, endless sand stretched out to the left,
the fog lifted completely.
"I guess this is goodbye,"
he said to
me. He held out his steady hand at a slight distance. I
put my hand in his and shook it slightly, all while trying to
muster a smile.
My stifled grin turned into a frown and my eyes
began to ache as they filled will water. I lost all my strength
and collapsed there onto his shoulder, sobbing. His right hand
that had shook mine cradled my back and held me close to his
chest. I cried a river.
Somewhere between my sniffling and the
short breaths I heard him say,
"you knew this was going to happen.
And it's about time."
I picked my head up off his soaked shoulder
to look him in the eyes. He was still smiling. "You know you
still aren't 100% sure. You know you don't have all the answers.
But remember, you got here because you were honest with yourself.
You're strong, Amber. You knew this day would come, and you're
strong enough to face it. You're going to be just fine."
I couldn't
stand to hear any more of this and fell back onto his immovable
shoulders in tears once again. We stood there forever, him holding me up
while I turned into Jello. In reality it must have
been only a few seconds. I don't know how, but I got the strength
to pry myself off his shoulder, and looked back into his calm eyes
and I smiled.
We walked north along the sand with the setting sun on my left
for a few paces, my right arm hooked into his left.
Then he stopped. It was
as if he hit a brick wall. I spun around to see him just standing
there with his hands back in his pockets. My mouth parted a
little, as if to ask the question, "what's wrong?"
"You know I can't go any further," he softly spoke. He pulled his
right hand from his pocket and with a little fist rapped on a sheer
piece of glass that was in front of him that extended infinitely up,
left, right, in all directions. It was an impenetrable invisible wall.
When he tapped it sounded just like glass, but his voice came through
crystal clear, unimpeded.
My face dropped in horror, but I managed to turn it into a smile. I
knew what this meant and so did he. I was wearing a t-shirt, shorts,
and sneakers. I went up to the wall he had rapped on and I slid through
without any problem. Now there was my shorts on one side and my t-shirt
stretched through the wall to hug him, small concentric ripples
shimmering away from my torso along the glass. We held that embrace
forever---again it was only for a few moments.
I held back the tears
and righted myself away from his warm white shirt. His shirt was
completely dry.
"Be strong, kid," he said with his affirming voice. I
truly smiled and I turned away from him.
I walked away and with every
step forward he faded into the fog far behind me. I turned back to see
if he was still there. He was. His hands were still
in pockets, his short hair rustling
lightly in the breeze, and he was
smiling and nodding at me. I strode forward
without hesitation into some unknown forward direction. And then I
awoke from the dream where I had just walked away from my old
self.
As I typed this out, a wave of emotion surged through me while I
described how I leaned through that glass wall to hug him a final
time. I never cry, but for the first time that I can
remember in years I tasted the salt of my own tears. Not scared tears,
rather the kind you get when you feel relief or when you've
accomplished something big. Not having a Kleenex handy the water
flowed quickly from my eyes down onto my PJs and blankets, narrowly
missing the laptop computer itself. I must have sat there shuddering
and crying for a couple of minutes. Aw, dangit. My PJs are a
mess now...
